OP23339

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

this might be a silly 'problem' but thought I'd look for your perspectives on it as it's driving me a bit mad.

I was friends with a guy, let's call him Seán. Seán and I got on well enough, we met out in a club and just kinda clicked and had fun yapping and just gossiping and all the rest. Seán and I went for coffee a few times and dinner once or twice. I was with a guy when I got to know Seán, so it was never a romantic thing for me, it was always a friendly thing and I never once led him on, even by talking about my OH openly.

After a few months I was broken up with by my OH and started to use the internet to date as it's something I was always curious about. I eventually got talking to a guy, let's call him Mark. Mark ticked lots of the boxes. He was nice and smart and seemed to know the story. Turned out that Mark and Seán were very good mates. I thought nothing of it (again I had made it clear to Seán that I wasn't interested). Mark and I never got a chance to meet up. He had organised two dates with me but I was too busy with other things. At the time, I was dealing with the death of my father and the break up so wasn't in the best frame of mind to date. So I slowly backed away from Mark and took an extended break from dating.

A few weeks later Seán tries it on in a local pub and I told him politely that I wasn't interested but that i valued his friendship. A few days later I notice that Mark is now dating a colleague of mine and now both Mark and Sean have deleted me from their Facebooks (not that it really matters) and the colleague of mine (let's call her Sarah) has been cold to me.

I realise that I messed Mark around a bit, and that he has probably told Sarah about it, but should I do anything about it? Sarah would know bits and pieces about my current situation (dad, money etc.) but we wouldn't be that friendly to one and other. I texted Seán and asked him did he want to meet for coffee and no reply. I just feel a bit silly about the whole thing but consider their actions a bit immature.

Just feel like they're ganging up on me. I could be a bit paranoid... Sarah hasn't deleted me on her FB... but that's a matter of time, I'd say.

Any comments/ advice?

MJ23

Forget about them, move on.
Most of the time, fellas can't be friends with women.

Herrick

Ok I'm going to be blunt here. This is a guys perspective. You met Sean in a club, you met for coffee and dinner. You might have seen it as friendship but he didn't, he wanted more. Proven by the fact he tried it on with you. You turned him down in the pub, now he won't met up. Why? Because he's now knows nothing will happen there.

See I think the trouble here is you met him in club. I assume you were just two randomers that got chatting rather than being introduced by friends? I honestly don't know anyone that have met randomly out and have started going for coffee, dinner, etc as just friends. While I don't think you have done anything wrong, I would say you were naive of what was going on.

Did you tell Mark your reasons for cancelling your dates? If you didn't then yes he very likely assumed you were leading him on and were messing him about.

Starokan

Sean is into you, your not into him, its not necessarily a bitter thing, he is just moving on, imagine if you really liked him, made a move and were turned down, would you be wanting to remain friends, its unlikely.

mark would probably be perfectly fine with you if you both met, best to say nothing to sarah as she may not know at all that you and mark were ever going to meet up

calex71

I shouldn't care... but I do? wrote: »

Hey guys,

this might be a silly 'problem' but thought I'd look for your perspectives on it as it's driving me a bit mad.

I was friends with a guy, let's call him Seán. Seán and I got on well enough, we met out in a club and just kinda clicked and had fun yapping and just gossiping and all the rest. Seán and I went for coffee a few times and dinner once or twice. I was with a guy when I got to know Seán, so it was never a romantic thing for me, it was always a friendly thing and I never once led him on, even by talking about my OH openly.

After a few months I was broken up with by my OH and started to use the internet to date as it's something I was always curious about. I eventually got talking to a guy, let's call him Mark. Mark ticked lots of the boxes. He was nice and smart and seemed to know the story. Turned out that Mark and Seán were very good mates. I thought nothing of it (again I had made it clear to Seán that I wasn't interested). Mark and I never got a chance to meet up. He had organised two dates with me but I was too busy with other things. At the time, I was dealing with the death of my father and the break up so wasn't in the best frame of mind to date. So I slowly backed away from Mark and took an extended break from dating.

A few weeks later Seán tries it on in a local pub and I told him politely that I wasn't interested but that i valued his friendship. A few days later I notice that Mark is now dating a colleague of mine and now both Mark and Sean have deleted me from their Facebooks (not that it really matters) and the colleague of mine (let's call her Sarah) has been cold to me.

I realise that I messed Mark around a bit, and that he has probably told Sarah about it, but should I do anything about it? Sarah would know bits and pieces about my current situation (dad, money etc.) but we wouldn't be that friendly to one and other. I texted Seán and asked him did he want to meet for coffee and no reply. I just feel a bit silly about the whole thing but consider their actions a bit immature.

Just feel like they're ganging up on me. I could be a bit paranoid... Sarah hasn't deleted me on her FB... but that's a matter of time, I'd say.

Any comments/ advice?

Text in bold. See here's where I disagree, i would say it was unintentional but really going for coffee an dinner with the guy and was leading him on , if i was your boyfriend I would have been miffed to say the least that you went to dinner and coffee with some bloke you met in a club, bloke friends are ok don't get me wrong but a guy you met in a club really doesn't equate to a bloke friend imo, you have to take on some of the blame here OP

ash23

I'd take all issues separately.

So start with Mark. He met you online. You cancelled some dates, were flaky. He met a girl who he is now going out with. he deleted you from his Facebook which is understandable. You never met him so you were just some girl he was after and now he has a girlfriend he is no longer interested. He deleted you out of respect to his new girlfriend in my opinion.


Next on to Sean. He liked you. He stuck around hoping something would happen and believing it would if you were single. You became single. He tried it on. You told him you aren't interested. He doesn't want to be friends, he wants more. So now he is cutting ties and moving on.

As for Sarah. You vaguely know her. She has a new boyfriend. She knows that you and her boyfriend had a "thing" in the past (even if it amounted to nothing). It's awkward and so she is avoiding you a bit.


So being honest, they aren't "ganging up on you" in my opinion. It's just that you've been moving in a very small pond. If these people didn't all know each other, you wouldn't be thinking it was a ploy to get to you. I suggest you broaden your social circle to be honest.