Stuck in the middle of a dispute between my brother and my husband's sister.

LegacyUser

Guys,

I'd really appreciate an objective view on the following issue

About six weeks ago my husband's sister was having lots of problems with her car, she took it to lots of garages and received quotes of between 1,500 - €2,000 to have it fixed. She asked me if my brother could help her out (he is in the motor trade).

I told her that she might be better off sticking with a main dealer that she bought the car off and I also mentioned that my brother seems to have a lot of work on so she might be waiting for while. This was just a complete cop-out on my part, to be honest I didn't want my sister in law to get involved with my brother for fear that an issue might arise and I'd be stuck in the middle. Don't get me wrong, I have every confidence in my brother's work, he has a very good reputation but sometimes business and families don't mix. Invariably, one side feels short-changed.

Anyway, my Sister in Law approached my husband and asked him if he could arrange for the car to be repaired through my brother. My husband was aware of my feelings on the issue be he proceeded to arrange for my brother to do the work. My brother reluctantly took on the work (my Sister in Law would have a reputation for being a difficult and demanding customer).

The work was done and my brother told me that he had given my Sister in Law a good discount but that she still wasn't very happy and was arguing over the bill. My brother was a bit p1ssed off over the situation as he felt he had been very fair.

Anyway, two weeks ago another issue arose with the car and my Sister in Law cut loose on my brother accusing him of ripping her off etc. She contacted me to let me know of the issues she was having and I told her that she had business arrangement with my brother not me and I didn't want to get involved.

I did speak to my brother and asked if he could help her and he advised me that he had done all the work he had been asked to do initially, he could stand over the quality of that work but the current issue with her car was completely new and didn't have anything to do with him.

I asked him if he could help her out and he said that his previous experience had been so negative that he didn't want any further dealings with her.

I feel stuck in the middle now, I think that there are probably wrongs on both sides as both are pretty stubborn individuals. I feel that even if the current problem is new, my brother should extend some goodwill. My brother completely disagrees. I feel that my in laws are going to hold this against me, as it is other members of my husband's family are talking about X's car.

I feel I'm in an impossible situation


Many thanks for reading.

Daisy M

I think you should stay out of it completely. If your inlaws are silly enough to hold this against you they are not the sort of people you should be bothering about. Do not get into any discussions about who was right or wrong stay out of it but make it clear you will not tolerate your brother been badmouthed in your presence.

LittleBook

Stuck in the middle wrote: »

Anyway, my Sister in Law approached my husband and asked him if he could arrange for the car to be repaired through my brother. My husband was aware of my feelings on the issue be he proceeded to arrange for my brother to do the work. My brother reluctantly took on the work (my Sister in Law would have a reputation for being a difficult and demanding customer).

Wow. Absolutely stay out of it and tell your husband to tell his sister to get lost. Your initial reaction to her request has been proved to have been spot on and this mess is all his fault!

Merkin

I think you shouldn't have to be involved at all. Talk to your brother and ask him to have a word with his sister asking her to take her business elsewhere and leave it at that - sounds like a nightmare!

Danniboo

OP, to be honest I think you need to grow a pair. Fair enough you didn't want to get involved but inevitably you are now involved. If this woman has a history of being difficult and is now running your brothers work down to all and sundry i'd be absolutely fuming. You told her not to approach him and she went about it anyways. In the current climate no one can afford to have negative publicity about their work. You said your brother has a history of good work and a good reputation, he also gave her a good discount and this is how she repays him. I don't know how you are so calm, if someone treated my family like this i'd rip them a new one.

irishbarb

Like others have said, stay out of it. If anyone involved approaches you on the subject tell them you'd prefer not to know as it is nothing to do with you, it's better just to stay out of arguments between family members.

curlzy

Wow, I am so pissed off on your behalf.

To be honest I blame your husband. You told him what would happen if your brother did this work. You fobbed off the sister and then he went and undid all of that and now YOU'RE in the sh*t just like you originally said you would be. What does he have to say on all of this? I agree with Danniboo, if people were badmouthing my brother I would hit the f*cking roof. Your sister in law sounds like a b*tch, I avoid her and refuse to discuss any of this with her and I'd DEMAND that your husband sorts it out and you don't want to hear any more about it. To be honest, he'd be hearing about this for a long time to come, he went behind your back after you expressly told him you didn't want this happening. Seriously I'd be having words with him, he knowingly went against your wishes regarding your family and because of that you're getting all this strife.

Best of luck.

username123

Stuck in the middle wrote: »

I feel that even if the current problem is new, my brother should extend some goodwill. My brother completely disagrees. I feel that my in laws are going to hold this against me, as it is other members of my husband's family are talking about X's car.

Its irrelevant what you feel.

Your sister in law went to your brother for a business arrangement against your advice. Your husband facilitated this.

Your brother accepted the work. There was bad feeling about the bill.

Now there is a new problem. Your brother doesnt want to do business with her again.

Why is any of this any of your business?

Stay out of it completely. Feck anyone who holds it against you - are you actually talking about adults here? Why would anyone care about the business arrangements of some woman and her mechanic who you happen to be related to?

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks very much guys for all the replies, I really appeciate the advice. I really want to be objective but I suppose blood is thicker than water at the end of the day.

Just a couple things.

Yes, I'm very upset that my husband ignored my wishes and he has suffered a few days of the silent treatment because of it. However, I'm more anxious about finding a way of resolving things rather than dishing out blame.


My sister in law is one of those people who always finds fault with stuff.

For example:

She will return birthday presents to the sender if she doesn't like them :eek:

If the family go for a meal, six of us will be complimenting the food and the service and she will almost always find fault with sometime.

I really don't want to have any involvement in this issue but it is difficult when other family members keep bringing up the issue.

My sister in law feels completely ripped off as she has spent almost two thousand on her car in the last few weeks and she is bad mouthing my brother. It seems now that my mother and father in law also feel aggrieved about the situation. Even my parents are very upset about it as they would be incredibly honest and they are horrified that my sister in law would accuse my brother of ripping her off.

The flip side of this argument is that my brother explained that my sister in law spent over €30,000 on a car four years ago but made no absolutely no effort to service it even though she does 25,000 miles a year. The car was falling apart by the time it got to him but she is still smarting over having to fork out more than a couple of hundred euro.

I fear this issue could potentially end up in the Small Claims Court and even if my brother is right, it is going to do his business alot of harm However, the damage to family relations would be even greater.

I wish I could stay out of it but we have a few family occasions coming up and it is going to make life very difficult if one family feels ripped off by the other.

I'll probably be killed for suggesting this but I was half considering asking my brother to repair the new problem and I would cover the cost. However, I'm not sure he would agree to it given the level of upset that exists over the last encounter with my sister in law.

Taltos

Actually instead of pandering to this spoilt brat of a sister in law I think you need to tell your brother to get legal advice immediately - not only in case she does go to court - but if she is speading lies about him and his work he needs to take immediate action.
At the end of the day all he has is his good name - and if she tarnishes that - even if she apologises later the damage will be done - no smoke without fire and all that.

In terms of you and your husband - the silent treatment is juvenile at best - I know have been there before. Talk to him - tell him that he knows what she is like and how dare he be responsible for putting your family in his sister's firing line. Now - either he fix it and get her to stop or your brother will be chasing her for all the courts will award... Not kidding - she needs to cop the hell on, with the current climate even one bad rumour like this can kill a business - not to mention the stress he must now be under as well as your parents. Your OH really does need to fix this - not you. In terms of the events - I would go - head high and if asked or challenged - have your responses ready - stay calm but civil - don't make it worse.

skooterblue2

She spends 30k on a car but doesnt service it at regular intervals? That is asking for trouble. I think your Brother should put her in her place. Your Brother in law should prepare for legal action. Your Brother in law is in the trade is should have a proper solicitor and be experienced in this sort of thing.

This has nothing to do with you as you didnt advise her to go to him and he isnt even a blood relative. Your Sister in law problem not yours. Say as far away from this problem as you can!

username123

Stuck in the middle wrote: »

I really want to be objective but I suppose blood is thicker than water at the end of the day.

I have never believed this to be true actually. People are people and if I happen to be related to them and they are a$$holes, I dont give them any more special treatment than I would any other fool I encounter.

Stuck in the middle wrote: »

I'll probably be killed for suggesting this but I was half considering asking my brother to repair the new problem and I would cover the cost. However, I'm not sure he would agree to it given the level of upset that exists over the last encounter with my sister in law.

Pretty much every single response has told you not to get involved and yet you say you now want to become financially involved. Way to pay absolutely no attention to good advice given. If this is how you behave in life then its no wonder you get yourself into these perceived situations.

If you want to make the situation worse - yeah, go ahead and pay money for this idiot to have her car repaired by your brother. Then when the next thing goes wrong dig out your chequebook again.

And as for family events, you need to grow up about it. If there is honestly that much bad feeling about one fools car being fixed then dont go to the family events - end of problem. But I strongly suspect it is YOU who is the one blowing all of this out of proportion - I doubt anyone else cares as much.

And silent treatment with your husband - seriously, thats a teenage way to resolve a problem. It is an unhealthy dysfunctional behaviour that has no place in a mature marriage. You really need to work on your methods of conflict resolution, both inside your marriage and without.

LegacyUser

Username, you are entitled to your view but do you have to be so judgemental and angry. Having said that I actually agree with some of what you said.

I came on her looking for some advice and not a lecture or marriage guidance from someone who knows nothing about my life or the strain I am currently under. (and I'm not talking about this dispute over the car).

I'm under enoromous strain at present for reasons I not prepared to discuss here and I was anxious to resolve the car situation as it difficult having two families in conflict with each other.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok... So your sil is a bit of a mouth. Spoilt brat who has no problem making others feel bad (returning birthday presents and finding fault with everything). And rather than defending your brother, who by the sounds of it has done NOTHING wrong in this situation, you want to pander to her by paying for repairs to her car, brought about by her not taking care of it for the last 4 years?

It's true... The squekiest hinge gets the oil.

You do realise by her getting the repairs "for free" off your brother its only going to strengthen her story that he tried to rip her off in the first place?

Don't attempt to pay anything on her behalf. Tell your husband to tell his parents that she is in this mess because she didn't service her car. Your brother is a mechanic.. not a magician. I'm sure they all know what she's like, but have spent their lives going along with her for the sake of peace.

If you want to continue the game at your brother's expense, then so be it... But if it was me, and my brother I would be defending him, and reminding everyone else of who he was dealing with.

You don't want to be involved... Well they've involved you. And I think by saying nothing in defense of your brother it seems as if (like everyone else) you think your sil has a point.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You do realise by her getting the repairs "for free" off your brother its only going to strengthen her story that he tried to rip her off in the first place?

Don't attempt to pay anything on her behalf.

Thanks Big Bag of Chips, that is a very valid point. I hadn't seen it like that but you're correct.

Originally, I thought he could have repaired the new problem solely as a gesture of goodwill (which I would have paid for). Making it very clear to her that he was going above and beyond the call of duty but that he would prefer in future that she would take her business else where.

Starokan

This is a truly horrible situation, there is few things as head wrecking as when families fall out and you are caught in the middle.

From your story it appears to me that your sister in law is a total wagon, however if you let rip at her its likely to get ten times worse. Before you do that get your husband to talk to her and try put an end to this.

I work in the motor trade, If she gets an independent assessment from any other mechanic, they will immediately tell her if the problem is related to the work that has been done by your brother. I'm sure your brother will advise her the same.

The outcome is simple here, either its nothing to do with your brother or it is(im guessing it will 100% be the case that he has done his job perfectly as he seems very confident). Get your husband to get her to do the assesment, that should put an end to this once and for all.

And when it does finally subside cut that woman out of your life , she will be no good for you long term.

username123

Stuck in the Middle wrote: »

Username, you are entitled to your view but do you have to be so judgemental and angry.

I wholeheartedly apologise if you perceived it as so. I was not feeling any anger at all nor did I intend to be judgemental towards you.

If anything I was incredulous. It can be hard to impart tone in a forum post.

Try to re-imagine my post as sounding totally surprised and then neutral. You may have perceived anger because I hit a nerve? Sorry if I did.

The more you involve yourself in silly (and I mean silly as in, omg this sis in law is crazy to be acting this way) situations the more you prolong them. Staying out of it, letting the people involved sort it out for themselves etc will actually shorten the life span of the situation.

Think of it like this - if you went off and travelled the world for 6 months, when you came back this would be done and dusted and without your involvement and no one would think it was that big of a deal to be bringing up right? Well staying out of it completely has the same effect.

Getting involved is like spreading a virus, the more calls between people the more upset caused all round and words grow legs and the whole thing gets bigger than it ever needed to.

I hope you dont feel the above is angry or judgemental! Hope it all works out!

iguana

Stuck in the middle wrote: »

I feel that even if the current problem is new, my brother should extend some goodwill. My brother completely disagrees.

Stuck in the middle wrote: »

I fear this issue could potentially end up in the Small Claims Court and even if my brother is right, it is going to do his business alot of harm However, the damage to family relations would be even greater.

Based on the second quote here why in the world would you hold the opinion in your first quote? Seriously? If you should be doing anything at all here, it's backing up your brother's utterly sensible decision to not deal with her any longer.

I understand that all of this makes things uncomfortable with your extended families but this is his livelihood in the firing line.

thefeatheredcat

OP 6 weeks ago your sister had a problem with her car and it was fixed.... and your brother got nothing but trouble for it. 2 weeks ago she screaming down the world accusing him of ripping her off for shoddy work or causing a problem for something that is unrelated to the original issue. Unrelated anyway to what her original problem was.

In your brother's position I would not be touching her car again with a bargepole for the further accusations that will follow should he at her or your request fix the unrelated problem. Guaranteed if he fixed it she will always hold it over his head "he didn't fix/damaged my car and then charged me again for it" and will always come blaming him for her negligence of car maintenance and demanding this and demanding that, looking for things done free and if anyone says No (which I gather is a word she is unfamiliar with) or seeks payments for it she will go off again with accusations, but worse and probably more personal given the sound of her so far.

What she really should do is seek an independent evaluation of the problem. Even if your brother looks at her car and states that it's unrelated and nothing to do with his job she will never believe it and will still go out of her way to tarnish his reputation for not fixing or damaging her car. He has every right to not take her business for a new issue because of the difficulty of payment and the hassle involved and you should really stand by your brother. He has done nothing wrong here and is the true victim in all of this.

I agree with Big Bag of Chips sounds like she's looking for a freebie and was looking for a freebie from the start. Throw a tantrum as loud as possible for your brother to give in for a quiet life with the problem being fixed for free. That sounds like it alright. In any case had she gone back to the dealer for it to be fixed she would have been charged much higher than a garage would because they would go and order the new/spare parts rather than sourcing it themselves, which will also take time.

And I would echo Username in not getting financially involved; it would be a very bad idea imo because you're just giving in to someone whose behaviour is outrageous and putting you in a position where she will forever hold this over your head and you most likely will never ever get a thanks for her if you pay half of it. She most likely will just come back again and again and put you all in the same difficult position and then demand you pay for it or demand half off the cost of whatever is wrong in the future.

I would go with Taltos for your brother to seek legal advice.

By no means should your brother go near her car and neither should you be funding her childish behaviour to compensate for the situation and for any possible fall out. In any case if there is a fall out between ye, it's really your sister in law's problem and not yours, your brother's or your husband's. She is the one with the issue here with you all and she is the one in the wrong with giving your brother unfairly a bad reputation.

LegacyUser

Stuck in the middle wrote: »

......

My sister in law is one of those people who always finds fault with stuff.

For example:

She will return birthday presents to the sender if she doesn't like them :eek:

If the family go for a meal, six of us will be complimenting the food and the service and she will almost always find fault with sometime.

I really don't want to have any involvement in this issue but it is difficult when other family members keep bringing up the issue.

My sister in law feels completely ripped off as she has spent almost two thousand on her car in the last few weeks and she is bad mouthing my brother. It seems now that my mother and father in law also feel aggrieved about the situation.

If your SiL is known to be like this, why does the rest of the family, i.e. your MiL and FiL, feel aggrieved? You should remind them that she is like that, say that your brother has done an excellent job of the work that was requested for a fair price, and that if she needs something new done, to find another mechanic. End of conversation.

LegacyUser

You say you do not wish to be involved, but yet you involve yourself?
You brother sounds like a good pro & well able to handle her.
Stop worrying about what the rest of your family think.
Do not involve yourself any further.

Big Bag of Chips

Stuck in the middle wrote: »

Originally, I thought he could have repaired the new problem solely as a gesture of goodwill.....

Why should he show her goodwill?!

If she had accepted the original work and paid her (discounted) bill with good grace, THEN she might have a case for "goodwill" on the 2nd job.

As it stands she deserves nothing.

I'd ignore her tantrums, but don't let your brother be badmouthed in front of you.

If you don't feed into it, it'll pass. No doubt there'll be some other drama with her next week, where she has been terribly wronged by some other scam artist.

Sleepy

It's quite clear the problem here is that you're an absolute pushover OP.

Your brother has already extended goodwill to your spoilt bitch of a sister in law in giving her a good discount in the first place. He's had that goodwill spat back in his face and has, quite correctly, decided to have nothing to do with her any more. Notions of paying for her repairs or doing further work for free are utterly ludicrous: why extend more goodwill to someone who's already walked all over you just because she's a bitch? I tend to work the other way myself: treat me like **** and I'll bill you to the fcuking moon and back. Treat me well and I'll offer discounts, extras etc.

Stand up for your brother, explain to your in-laws that their daughter's nature was exactly why you didn't want your brother doing business with her, that he treated her fairly and that he's now considering legal action regarding the slander he's had reported to him of her bad-mouthing him (doesn't have to be true, your sister in law is a bossy little bully who's used to getting her own way, I guarantee that as soon as the word "solicitor" is used, she'll fold faster than a house of cards: bully's are all cowards at heart).

You're involved at this stage whether you like it or not. So stand on the right side: your brothers. Not because he's your family, because he's right: if you don't maintain a car, things go wrong. Often, very expensively wrong. Your sister in law needs to learn that lesson along with a whole heap of other ones about how to treat people.

And I'd agree with the poster above who said giving your husband the silent treatment is childish nonsense. All he did was behaved exactly as you're considering behaving: he caved into his bossy sister.

analucija

OP, your problem actually makes me smile. It just reminds me of times when I was working in administration of my parents business and was constantly contacted by people I barley knew looking for discounts. The same people would be first to complain about the price or something else and in the end they'd probably ask you if they can delay payment for a little bit. You learn to ignore them and I'm pretty sure your brother met quite a few before too and has absolutely no problem to refuse her. She is not the first or the last customer who will behave like that so do not worry about your brother.

I have no idea if your brother's work was good or not but it is between him and your SIL. If she starts complaining to you, just tell her that you are not a mechanic so you can't help her. Your husband should reign in his parents and your SIL so they won't bring it up at some family event and you should make sure your brother doesn't either. And don't worry about your brothers reputation, it takes a lot more than one idiot to destroy it. But it will keep the rest of your husbands family away from your brothers workshop, so you should be able to avoid future trouble.