I've fallen deep and I can't pick up the pieces

LegacyUser

I'm so stressed right now in my life. I've come out to a few people but for the most part I'm closeted. This will probably be a long enough post but I need to try and voice my opinion anonymously without having to deal with the aftermath of coming out so bare with me please.

I might as well start off by saying I'm 18 and really struggling with myself at the moment. I think I'm ok with being gay BUT I throw down on myself hard for it - like I'm not good looking enough is the main thing - regardless of my personality which loads of people admire about me, it's just not good enough to me.

But now I've kind of been cruising through life while deeply struggling silently. I've seriously considered suicide and went as far as to have the noose around my neck.
Because I'm coping with this on my own everyone from the outside peering in doesn't understand why I'm unmotivated or stressed and irritated sometimes.
Doing out the CAO, I was so lost and confused as to what to do and my family is giving me such a hard time for it. They keep asking me why I haven't been seeking a job or doing more but truth of the matter is, I'm so self involved trying to fix myself that I just don't do it.
I was at breaking point last night and said "you don't understand the pressure I'm under" to which they replied; "what pressure could you possibly be under? You seem to have it quite handy for yourself. No job, no responsibilities. If you were out in the real world you'd know about it".
I said nothing. I'm much deeper then I ever let on and I only let people see what I want them to see so in essence, they're usually clueless about the situation. I'm so care free and easy going on the surface and I'm genuine about it- but this is still eating me up inside. And now I'm fighting constantly with my family and they are running out of patience with me.

I really don't know what to do...I'm 100% lost and I have nobody to turn to for help. I wish people understood what I'm dealing with so they could back off or get where I'm coming from but I don't want to tell them. I'm just so tired fighting with myself to do it.
So between choosing college courses and changing my CAO countless times I'm really uncertain of my future and I'm disappointing people around me and the pressure just keeps building all the time.

I'm not suicidal now but as I said I'm just completely lost. It's the strangest feeling ever.

Sorry for the wall of text but I'm in desperate need of guidance. I hate what this has done to me too. I noticed I'm much more self involved and use "I" a ridiculous amount of times here in the post. How am I so narcissistic when I hate myself?

Occono

You're 18. Your sexual orientation isn't a problem. You don't have any problems like you think you have from the sound of it. Play some videogames all day or whatever you find fun and spend time thinking about what you want to put on your CAO.

You are not a grown adult yet. Don't stress yourself. I'm 22 and still happily uncertain about everything.

You are most likely not at all unattractive: you're 18 and you're not going to hit it off easily with people. Just have fun.

Do try and see a counselor if you can, if you're prone to anxiety. And at least just keep in mind that you're 18 and barely an adult at all. Most people your age in relationships aren't for life. Stop pressuring yourself.

Shakti

Your under a lot of pressure and it's good you wrote your thoughts down and posted them, it would be great if you had some gay friends to talk to about this or just hang out with, it's not an option for everyone but I think it might help, you should really talk to someone though when things get bad. Have you been in contact with these people.....
http://www.belongto.org/

The key message to get across here is that talking and expressing your concerns with others could help you alot. If you can't get to see a counsellor or talk to your GP, then maybe go to a LGBT support group.
Make a list of the positive things in your life and think about what you really want in the short term and work towards achieving some goals.
Coming out to a few people is a massive step. As you are only starting out, its important to seek help and not let yourself ever again get to a point where you have a noose near you.
Focus on getting yourself on the right course for you, get help to sort out your anxieties and concerns and most of all enjoy this time of your life.

baby and crumble

OP, we really can't give out mental health advice, and it is boards.ie policy to close threads relating to suicidal thoughts. You should make contact with The Samaritans or a similar organisation.

All the best,

B&C