Sex life(of lack thereof) is really getting me down

LittleGirlBlue

Hey everyone,

Just looking for a little advice for myself really - Something another poster posted in reply in a recent thread on a similar subject really hit home to me and I thought I should ask advice myself. The quote was along the lines of, nothing will kill your relationship faster than your self esteem being eaten away as you beg for sex. This really hit me as that's what's happeneing here, my confidence is at an all time low atm.

Anyway, here goes...
Myself and my boyfriend, both 27 have been together for over 4 years and living together for just over 1.

We've never had an overly adventurous sex life, at the start more frequently of course but even before we moved in together sex was about once a week. I had thought that when we moved in together it would be different as we both still lived at home and weren't really comfortable doing it much in our parents home.

Problem is though, it can be even less these days and we could go 2 weeks or more without any.

Sometimes I feel like I'm almost begging for it and it really gets me down, I want to feel the closeness to him etc but mostly he's too tired or whatever.

It got to a point where I stopped trying or initiating anything because I hated the rejection and it really started to upset me to the point where I'd almost cry, so I didn't bother trying.

It's now always on his say so and that annoys me too.

Another thing that stops me initiating anything these days and for the most part before we moved in together was (and I can't believe I'm saying this) the fact that he rarely showers, could go 2 weeks without one. This actually hurts me too because I always make sure I'm clean and fresh, shaved, nice clothes, make up etc so I feel like he doesn't want to make any effort for me at all. This isn't a recent thing either, been going on for the majority of our relationship.

He knows my feelings about all this and knows how upset by it I am, I've even had conversations with him about it that had me in tears because of the frustration and rejection I was feeling. But nothing has changed.

What I'm wondering is, is there anything I can do to change this - probably not but I guess I would Like opinions on what other people think of this situation.

I'd also like to point out, he's my first sexual partner and this has made me really think about what I could potentially be missing out on, which is awful.

On a final note, I love him very much, know he loves me too and we have our future planned together but it doesn't look very bright if this is going to be an issue forever.

endacl

It will be an issue for ever if you don't talk to him about it.

You've outlined many reasonable points. Put the kettle on and have a chat. With him. Not boards.

Best of luck. You come across as somebody worth having a chat with.

Oh, and everything should be negotiable, bar the shower. That's just manky.

LittleGirlBlue

Thanks for taking the time to reply endacl.

Thing is, I've brought this up with him many times, same issues, asked if there was anything wrong, if there was anything I could change, if he wasn't attracted to me anymore.. if he was depressed, all sorts. The answer each time is the same, nothing is wrong and he's just tired/not in the mood. Thing's will change etc etc, but nothing ever does.

I'm almost worried to bring it up again in case he gets pissed off so I'm all out of ideas.

batsherlashes

It sounds like you've brought this up with him many times and he's completely ignored your feelings. That doesn't sound like a very balanced relationship.

If this was a relationship I was in, I honestly don't think I could live with someone who wouldn't shower for two weeks. That is absolutely ridiculous. I wouldn't be happy if my boyfriend had gone two days without a shower.

Getting intimate obviously isn't the most important thing in a relationship, but its important to you and is seriously affecting your happiness, as is his hygiene. Because you love him and he loves you, I think you should sit down with him one last time. Tell him that he has to change his hygiene because it is upsetting you and making you less attracted to him. Say that you can't see a future with him if this problem persists and that he will have to shower more regularly for it to work.

If he continues to ignore you after you've given him this final ultimatum, I think you should start thinking about leaving him. He's your first love so I know its hard to imagine being with anyone else. But from an objective point of view, he is not treating you with the respect you deserve, and you are clearly unhappy in this relationship. Hopefully he will change after you talk to him but if he doesn't, you can't put yourself through this because it will only get worse.

Only he has the ability to change his ways. If he doesn't, do you really think you should put up with it?

Ickle Magoo

LittleGirlBlue wrote: »

Something another poster posted in reply in a recent thread on a similar subject really hit home to me and I thought I should ask advice myself. The quote was along the lines of, nothing will kill your relationship faster than your self esteem being eaten away as you beg for sex.

That would be me.

First things first, I think you need to make it clear how close to breaking point you are - have a heart to heart in private but away from the bedroom. Give him the chance to come good on those promises of change, ask that he make a doctors appointment and ensures there are no underlying medical conditions that have lowered his libido or caused his not caring about his personal hygiene.

If he won't do that or there are no other reasons - he just doesn't want to wash or have sex then you have a decision to make. Personally, I don't buy into the cute fuzzy idea that love is enough and if you love someone you should be willing to put up with anything - with millions of prospective partners to chose from, there is no reason why you can't have a loving, kind partner AND a fantastic sex life - if that's what you want...with the added bonus of such a relationship not causing constant upset and resentment - and being much healthier for your self-esteem.

All the very best. :cool:

endacl

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

LittleGirlBlue wrote: »

Something another poster posted in reply in a recent thread on a similar subject really hit home to me and I thought I should ask advice myself. The quote was along the lines of, nothing will kill your relationship faster than your self esteem being eaten away as you beg for sex.

That would be me.

First things first, I think you need to make it clear how close to breaking point you are - have a heart to heart in private but away from the bedroom. Give him the chance to come good on those promises of change, ask that he make a doctors appointment and ensures there are no underlying medical conditions that have lowered his libido or caused his not caring about his personal hygiene.

If he won't do that or there are no other reasons - he just doesn't want to wash or have sex then you have a decision to make. Personally, I don't buy into the cute fuzzy idea that love is enough and if you love someone you should be willing to put up with anything - with millions of prospective partners to chose from, there is no reason why you can't have a loving, kind partner AND a fantastic sex life - if that's what you want...with the added bonus of such a relationship not causing constant upset and resentment - and being much healthier for your self-esteem.

All the very best. :cool:

Pretty much what I had typed before my WiFi went down.

It's ok to make demands in a relationship. It could be argued that its vital. You have to tell him what you need now from life, not plan for some nebulous maybe in the future scenario. You've given him 4 years. He owes you. There's more to a relationship than sharing a space. He's going to have to work on this.

This may seem off topic, but how is your other half's relationship with his friends (especially old ones), his sleeping and his work? And have these changed over your time together?

A little nosey, I know, but humour me....

LittleGirlBlue

Thanks so much for the replies guys and I totally agree with everything you have been saying.

I kind of think I've gotten to a point where I just accept it as it is and leave it be. Like right now I feel almost indifferent about the whole thing but then when it comes up again I know I'll be so upset.

I don't believe in love being the only thing either, I think there's a lot more to a relationship than just love and it's not as easy as saying I love you every so often so I suppose I'm not just staying because of that.

I don't know, I feel like there's only so many chances you can give someone to change their behavior before you have to say enough is enough.

I'm almost tempted to show him this thread because at this stage I don't know what else I can say to make it change.. maybe he just doesn't want it to.

daisybelle2008

LittleGirlBlue wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Just looking for a little advice for myself really - Something another poster posted in reply in a recent thread on a similar subject really hit home to me and I thought I should ask advice myself. The quote was along the lines of, nothing will kill your relationship faster than your self esteem being eaten away as you beg for sex. This really hit me as that's what's happeneing here, my confidence is at an all time low atm.

Anyway, here goes...
Myself and my boyfriend, both 27 have been together for over 4 years and living together for just over 1.

We've never had an overly adventurous sex life, at the start more frequently of course but even before we moved in together sex was about once a week. I had thought that when we moved in together it would be different as we both still lived at home and weren't really comfortable doing it much in our parents home.

Problem is though, it can be even less these days and we could go 2 weeks or more without any.

Sometimes I feel like I'm almost begging for it and it really gets me down, I want to feel the closeness to him etc but mostly he's too tired or whatever.

It got to a point where I stopped trying or initiating anything because I hated the rejection and it really started to upset me to the point where I'd almost cry, so I didn't bother trying.

It's now always on his say so and that annoys me too.

Another thing that stops me initiating anything these days and for the most part before we moved in together was (and I can't believe I'm saying this) the fact that he rarely showers, could go 2 weeks without one. This actually hurts me too because I always make sure I'm clean and fresh, shaved, nice clothes, make up etc so I feel like he doesn't want to make any effort for me at all. This isn't a recent thing either, been going on for the majority of our relationship.

He knows my feelings about all this and knows how upset by it I am, I've even had conversations with him about it that had me in tears because of the frustration and rejection I was feeling. But nothing has changed.

What I'm wondering is, is there anything I can do to change this - probably not but I guess I would Like opinions on what other people think of this situation.

I'd also like to point out, he's my first sexual partner and this has made me really think about what I could potentially be missing out on, which is awful.

On a final note, I love him very much, know he loves me too and we have our future planned together but it doesn't look very bright if this is going to be an issue forever.

To be honest I don't really understand this. Romantic love is conditional, it has to be, people have to have standards and deal breakers otherwise it would not matter who we were with or how badly they treated us. So I really don't understand how you could 'love' someone who you are so incompatible with. I don't understand how you can have such a good connection with someone when you feel rejected, unattractive and unfullfilled. That to me is frustration and misery.
I don't really understand a lot of these threads mainly from women, who describe poor relationships with poor communication with people they seem to be totally incompatible with on critical issues ie. sex. There is always a line qualifying about 'love' as if to justify the pointless exercise of pushing a square peg into a round hole.
OP sometimes 'love' is not enough and you have to be honest with yourself and respect that his low-sex drive/lack of interest is a sign of incompatibility that means you should cast your net elsewhere.

Piliger

Hi OP. Sorry about your predicament ... ( am an older guy of ~50)

The first thing I think needs to be said is that this is NOT normal or something you should expect to have to put up with.

I am not a follower of those who claim sex has to be hot and every night forever in a relationship. That is just silly. But your situation is, in my personal view, unacceptable.

It's not just the frequency that is the problem, imho, it is his indifference to your feelings and unwillingness to face up to the fact that you are committed to him and he has responsibilities to you! I'm afraid this just isn't good enough. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life ? Missing out of the magic of affection and intimacy and joy of loving sex ?

You are only 27 .. and you can do a LOT better. You need to let this geezer know that you have options and one option is to dump him and move on. He needs to know that you are not his pet for the rest of his life and if you're going to stay then he needs to make it worth you staying ....

Got to it girl - you deserve more.

D.R Adams

Hi OP,

Firstly well done on sharing your problem which im sure has been probably eating away at you for a long time. Hope that maybe this thread has taken some of the weight off your shoulders.

Secondly, on the hygiene situation, any man/woman/child who thinks that going 2 weeks without showering is normal is for the birds. If your partner thinks this acceptable then I believe sex is way down on his list of priorities.

I also agree with daisybelle above, I don't believe you could have a deep meaningful love for someone who treats you like this. I mean think about a relationship, why do people form relationships? Usually because they enjoy each others company, they have a good understanding, they love each other, sacrifice things for each other, and they also like to have a fulfilling sex life. From what you are telling us I don't think you are on the receiving end of any of these items and that is sad.

To be honest I would be giving this one last chance, you have already been with him for 4 years and nothing has changed despite your chats about your feelings. I think you should walk away if nothing changes and not feel one bit guilty, plenty of guys would love a relationship with you, you seem like a really nice woman!

whiskeyman

I'm surprised no one picked up on this, but how is your boyfriend?
Does he suffer from depression at all?
I know you asked him and he said he's just tired, but something seems amiss.
Not showering for up to two weeks is quite bizarre. Does he have self esteem issues?
Does he currently have a job?
Is he happy?
Perhaps something else is affecting his sex drive.

Pa Dee

LittleGirlBlue wrote: »

Hey everyone,

Just looking for a little advice for myself really - Something another poster posted in reply in a recent thread on a similar subject really hit home to me and I thought I should ask advice myself. The quote was along the lines of, nothing will kill your relationship faster than your self esteem being eaten away as you beg for sex. This really hit me as that's what's happeneing here, my confidence is at an all time low atm.

Anyway, here goes...
Myself and my boyfriend, both 27 have been together for over 4 years and living together for just over 1.

We've never had an overly adventurous sex life, at the start more frequently of course but even before we moved in together sex was about once a week. I had thought that when we moved in together it would be different as we both still lived at home and weren't really comfortable doing it much in our parents home.

Problem is though, it can be even less these days and we could go 2 weeks or more without any.

Sometimes I feel like I'm almost begging for it and it really gets me down, I want to feel the closeness to him etc but mostly he's too tired or whatever.

It got to a point where I stopped trying or initiating anything because I hated the rejection and it really started to upset me to the point where I'd almost cry, so I didn't bother trying.

It's now always on his say so and that annoys me too.

Another thing that stops me initiating anything these days and for the most part before we moved in together was (and I can't believe I'm saying this) the fact that he rarely showers, could go 2 weeks without one. This actually hurts me too because I always make sure I'm clean and fresh, shaved, nice clothes, make up etc so I feel like he doesn't want to make any effort for me at all. This isn't a recent thing either, been going on for the majority of our relationship.

He knows my feelings about all this and knows how upset by it I am, I've even had conversations with him about it that had me in tears because of the frustration and rejection I was feeling. But nothing has changed.

What I'm wondering is, is there anything I can do to change this - probably not but I guess I would Like opinions on what other people think of this situation.

I'd also like to point out, he's my first sexual partner and this has made me really think about what I could potentially be missing out on, which is awful.

On a final note, I love him very much, know he loves me too and we have our future planned together but it doesn't look very bright if this is going to be an issue forever.

No sex and a truly disgusting hygiene regime leads me to think he has little interest in this relationship. You should not kid yourself and have a serious talk with him

opinion guy

Wow.

My dear OP - I'm going to make my advice simple, and I rarely take so stern an approach by the way - if the man you love can't be bothered to take a shower more often than once a fortnight for either himself, or for you, dump him. Dump him now. Simple as. No further analysis needed. Do him a favour and tell him thats why you are dumping him.

This is just one of those basic self-respect things.
You deserve better than this. You seem kind and thoughtful of others. You deserve more than this.
He needs a boot up the arse to cop him on. Being dumped by a kind and thoughtful woman who loves him, might - if he has feelings, that might provide him with the necessary boot up the arse.

Priori

What really jumped out at me was the 2 weeks without a shower comment. Really?

That level of disregard for personal hygiene could be a sign of other kinds of issues he needs to address. It is often symptomatic of depression and/or other forms of mental anguish (prefer that term to illness). But if he's simply not bothered and you have already brought it up... well, that's not good.

alacandra

once you have told him the guy should respect you and make an effort. why not have your shower together in the morning. tell him of all the things he is missing out on like you being willing to go down on him but not if he hasnt showered. this guy needs to realise he is lucky to have someone like you, from your post it is obious you love him but if this washing issue persists you will have to decide to look elsewhere for the fun in your life. <Mod Snip> - do tell him of the negitive effect this is having on your relatioship and dont spare the punchs if he loves you he,ll make the effort- and i think he probably will- hope it works out for you

Taltos

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Mighty_Mouse

2 weeks without a shower is mank. There's animals that make more effort than that!
How active is he? Does he work all day, play sport & not shower?
Or is he generally inactive & lazy maybe maybe just can't be bothered with any type of physical exerction?

Ickle Magoo

Ok - thread has been bumped from weeks ago and the OP hasn't been back in nearly a month, so I'm locking.

Folks, can you please check the date on threads prior to posting and respond to current issues please.

Cheers