Friends wedding

JoeyW

Hi guys,
My OH is going to be best man at his friends wedding in a few weeks time.
We were planning on leaving our new baby and toddler with my family while we attend.
The baby is refusing bottles so leaving him wont be an option now so I'm starting to worry about bringing him along as he wasn't put on the invitation.
The bride to be is a complete diva and wouldn't be a friend of mine at all, just someone I tolerate due to our partners being good friends.
She invited me to her hen but the baby would only have been 2 months old when it came around so I told her he would be too young for me to leave for a whole weekend when I would be breastfeeding (it was an overseas trip), so she got all huffy with me and I'd heard nothing else from her even after having the baby, no text of congrats or no visit from either if them.
So she rings me out if the blue yesterday when the baby is now nearly 4 months old looking for OH's number for a surprise she's planning for her fiancé and I explained about baby not taking bottle and I didn't know what to do regarding the wedding, her reply was 'well if you can't make the wedding then you can't make it' !! I wanted her to say take the baby along too that it was no problem!
So now I'm raging and don't want to go but my OH thinks I'm overreacting. What would you do? Should I take the baby along anyway or just not go?
Sorry for the long post

LegacyUser

OP regardless of wither the bride is a diva and a bit of a cow for not getting in touch with you after you had your baby she is still the bride and it's her wedding. You say your not friends with her and it sounds like she's not into babies/kids so if I was you I wouldn't bring the baby to the wedding. You might have wanted her to say to bring the baby but she didn't so don't do it. This isn't a close friend of yours nor a family members wedding so skip it. She clearly won't be upset if you don't go and your not taking about stopping your OH going so it seems the clear answer.

Beruthiel

You're overreacting.
I don't even know why you brought the baby up with her.
It's four month old, you're breastfeeding it, of course you will be bringing it with you.
It's not going to cost her a penny to have the child there.
What's the big deal?

JoeyW

Thanks guys, another option I was given was to bring a family member to the room to mind the baby and I can pop back for feeds. I might do that, I don't want to not go when my OH is best man and I'm very fond of the groom..

I can't imagine any bride-to-be will insist on having a baby in a separate room during a wedding. That would be extremely ignorant, especially considering she could possibly be in the same situation as you are now in the near future.

chubchub

Beruthiel wrote: »

You're overreacting.
I don't even know why you brought the baby up with her.
It's four month old, you're breastfeeding it, of course you will be bringing it with you.
It's not going to cost her a penny to have the child there.
What's the big deal?

To be fair its probably not about the cost its about having children there or not.
I for one didn't want them at mine. I made some family allowances as coming from abroad and after that no one else.
It's not a children environment in my mind and I've always found they have caused disturbances at most I've been at including one of the ones that was as my own during mass.
Some people love children at weddings and that's fair absolutely their choice on their day.
Believe me I took no pleasure in refusing people but I madeaa stance and stuck to it. No for everyone. I felt like this bride if you can't come without child don't come!!

Sorry op prob not what you wanted to hear. Ironically most of the people that had an issue were ones that felt the same way when they had got married the years prior but of course changed their minds there after.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

I can't imagine any bride-to-be will insist on having a baby in a separate room during a wedding. That would be extremely ignorant, especially considering she could possibly be in the same situation as you are now in the near future.

This might just be a case of a different view points here but as someone who doesn't have kids I can't imagine why the bride or anyone for that matter would want the baby at the wedding and don't see why it's ignorant to be ok with it being in a separate room.

If you know this is going to a very family focused wedding ie lots of other parents bringing kids of various ages etc etc then maybe it's not an issue but it just sounds like the bride has no interest and there won't be other babies or kids there. Yes the bride may well have kids of her own at some point and maybe then she'll be all about babies but right now she isn't. If it's an option to have the baby looked after by a family member/friend and you pop up every now and then and your happy with that arrangement then I would do that. It just sounds like the least hassle issue. OP gets to go to wedding and breast feed child, Bride doesn't get something she can bitch at the OP about down the road.

chubchub

Should have added bringing someone with you up in room is a great idea and very considerate. Then your close by when needs be and have baby the following day too.

Honey-ec

Ask your OH to speak to the groom and ask if it's ok to bring the baby. He sounds more approachable than the bride and it's as much his day as it is hers.

Having said that, I can see why she mightn't necessarily want a nursing baby there too, but it's not just her decision.

Dr Turk Turkelton

Op why would you want to ruin someone's wedding by bringing a 4 month old baby to it?
She has already politely said not to but you still want to push ahead?I doubt she will be so polite the next time in telling you and I can't say I blame her.

chubchub

Honey-ec wrote: »

Ask your OH to speak to the groom and ask if it's ok to bring the baby. He sounds more approachable than the bride and it's as much his day as it is hers.

Having said that, I can see why she mightn't necessarily want a nursing baby there too, but it's not just her decision.

I'd be surprised if the couple hadn't made a stance on this together. I know my oh wouldn't have minded kids there but we agreed in finish not to as where to draw line. In same way over issues its usually a mutual agreement. I would also be very annoyed if I was bride and she had told you no and then you tried to approach her oh on it.

Beruthiel

chubchub wrote: »

To be fair its probably not about the cost its about having children there or not.

I completely understand not wanting to have toddlers or small children at a wedding. They can cause trouble and mayhem, running under feet etc.
This is a four month old baby.
It will sleep and eat.
It will not be underfoot or knock the wedding cake off the top table.
I am not seeing the problem.

Merkin

I think you are overreacting. A small baby will likely cry their eyes out at some stage and if it is not a child-friendly wedding then so be it. Not being harsh but your babysitting dilemma doesn't really have anything to do with this other woman. It's up to you to sort it out. I think the best thing is for you to bring a friend or relative away with you for the night so they can look after your baby between feeds.

woodchuck

I think the bride has made it clear that she doesn't want you to bring the baby.

Personally I'd just stay at home. Since your OH is the best man, you won't even get to be with him during the ceremony or the dinner. And even though you like the groom, you probably won't get more than 5mins with him on the day anyway as he'll be trying to make time to talk to everyone there.

If it's still really important to you that you go, then the plan of having someone else come along and mind the baby in the hotel room might work... but what you get called up during the speeches or something? I think it might be more hassle than it's worth...

woodchuck

Beruthiel wrote: »

I completely understand not wanting to have toddlers or small children at a wedding. They can cause trouble and mayhem, running under feet etc.
This is a four month old baby.
It will sleep and eat.
It will not be underfoot or knock the wedding cake off the top table.
I am not seeing the problem.

Babies cry. Even when they're being well behaved, not every one likes them around. It doesn't matter their reasons, but it sounds like the couple have decided on a child/baby-free wedding and the guests should really respect that.

chubchub

Beruthiel wrote: »

chubchub wrote: »

To be fair its probably not about the cost its about having children there or not.

I completely understand not wanting to have toddlers or small children at a wedding. They can cause trouble and mayhem, running under feet etc.
This is a four month old baby.
It will sleep and eat.
It will not be underfoot or knock the wedding cake off the top table.
I am not seeing the problem.

This is the problem its always going to be a sensitive subject. People are always going to be offended and will never agree on it. New born babies also cry a lot. It was a baby in my wedding that never stopped during the whole mass. To be fair I'm all too well aware that the parents should have taken child out and that's what I would have done. It's not nice to refuse someone but for me personally its how I felt. You spend a fortune on your day and months planning all aspects and I didn't want a baby crying all through mine but it doesn't change anything now. It happens and for a finish I think oh was more annoyed they hadn't taken child out. Point is you can't rely on parents to act the way you would so its easier in my mind to make a no child policy.

ash23

It's not just about the risk of the baby crying. It is also about the other guests who were told no kids and then see a baby there and the sore feelings that would have the potential to cause.

LegacyUser

Perhaps I'm a "Diva" but as a childless bride-to-be, I would NOT be impressed if someone turns up at my wedding with a baby when they were not invited to do so! I can't believe someone would think it was okay to just turn up with a crying baby to an adult's celebration. To be honest, I don't like kids, I don't ever plan on having children, I am not used to being around kids, and I certainly don't want crying babies at my special day. If someone can't leave their baby behind due to breast feeding, I would expect they would not be attending my wedding. End of. To turn up with the baby would be outrageous in my opinion.

I didnt have any children or babies at my wedding and i am no diva, i just wanted an adult only wedding as was my right as i saved for years to pay for it, the only kid there was my 8 year old son.

I would have been extremely annoyed if a guest brought their baby - i didnt mind in the slightest having to leave mine at home when going to other peoples weddings, if babies aren't invited don't bring them, if you have to stay at home to mind the baby, well "thems the breaks". If the baby wasnt invited dont allow it to gatecrash.

Daisy M

I think you should ring the bride and groom explain the situation and ask politely if it will be ok to bring the baby or would they prefer it if you got a minder for the day. At the end of the day it is their wedding and their choice if they have children there or not. You do not know what is going on behind the scenes and if they have already told other people that it is a child free wedding. Imho it would be very inconsiderate of you to just turn up with the baby without prior agreement.

Personally I had lots of children at my wedding and I have to say almost 18years on its those small kids who are now adults that most often talk about the great day they had!!

Squiggler

From what you have said the bride has already made it clear that if you and baby are inseparable she'd prefer neither of you to be there.

Outside of the rights and wrongs of her feelings on this (whether she likes you, children at weddings etc), which are largely unimportant, the main thing you need to focus on is what is best for you and baby.

I would never want to bring a baby where it wasn't welcome. In your shoes I'd stay away from the wedding and plan a special day with my baby. As another poster said if your OH is in the wedding party you won't see much of him during the day anyway.

It's only one day.

JoeyW

Thanks for all the different perspectives on this, it's been a real eye opener!
I wasn't looking at it from the brides side at all and it's her day and her rules.
I'll definitely not be taking him along, I'll leave him in the room with my mam who has kindly agreed to come along.
Thanks again for all the replies

I didnt mean to sound harsh in my post, but if the baby wasn't invited its best to respect the bride and grooms wishes, at least you have worked out a compromise, fair play to you for that. I hope it all goes well

Ellsbells

chubchub wrote: »

Should have added bringing someone with you up in room is a great idea and very considerate. Then your close by when needs be and have baby the following day too.

Defo. I would lose my reason if someone brought a baby to my wedding and I have a baby... It's not the place for a baby and that's why she didn't invite your kids. If you have to bring baba along then do organise for a relative to mind them.

Jane Eyre

Beruthiel wrote: »

You're overreacting.
I don't even know why you brought the baby up with her.
It's four month old, you're breastfeeding it, of course you will be bringing it with you.
It's not going to cost her a penny to have the child there.
What's the big deal?

What??? The baby was clearly not invited. The bride who isn't even a friend of yours made it clear the baby was not welcome. DO NOT bring the baby.
The 'big deal' is that the bride may have said no babies to her own friends and family and they will have made arrangements accordingly, so if you show up ignoring her wishes, you will make trouble for the bride on HER day!

username123

Absolutely do not bring the baby to the wedding. I would personally find that incredibly rude unless the bride had specifically said it was ok to do so.

I hate children at weddings, the last wedding I was at was ruined by a baby screaming all through the ceremony - the bride was really upset about it afterwards, the baby screamed though the vows, through the singer that they had paid good money for, through the photos afterwards and tbh disrupted the whole thing.

If I was breastfeeding I would expect to turn down invitations because the baby would not be invited. Thats the choice you make when you have a baby. Even with quiet babies, the mothers attention is always on the baby and when people are getting married they want the people there to celebrate with them, not to just be tending to their own children.

KamiKazeKitten

OP, I think your solution to the whole thing sounds good. If you're happy popping up and down to the baby then go ahead and do it!

At the end of the day, it's their wedding not yours, and if she's explicitly said no kids that means no kids, tbh if you did bring the baby it would be a bit rude. Some people like them at weddings, some don't. Takes all sorts and all that.

Ickle Magoo

JoeyW wrote: »

Thanks for all the different perspectives on this, it's been a real eye opener!
I wasn't looking at it from the brides side at all and it's her day and her rules.
I'll definitely not be taking him along, I'll leave him in the room with my mam who has kindly agreed to come along.
Thanks again for all the replies

Glad you found a solution OP.

As posters are still responding to your OP, I'm going to lock the thread.

All the very best. :cool: