Struggling to deal with bisexuallity....

INeedHelpBi

I dont know what to be.

I came out as gay at 16 (stupidly. I am 30 now) but I wasnt sure myself at the time but I was a stupid teen:rolleyes:.

I started to notice I had feelings for women when I was 18 but never really acted on them and continued on with my gay life, had a few BF's,
some good some bad, but since about 26'ish the whole bisexuality has really crept back into my mind(I am 30 now).

Had a boyfriend at the time, I never talked to him about it while together as I thought it was a terrible thing to be thinking while with him.
But after breaking up and becoming friends over the following year I did say it to him and he shot me down with stuff like 'your not bi at all, your gay' and has the opinion most gay men have, that women are manky with there bits etc. So I decided that it was extremely stupid to talk to him about it and left it at that and didnt talk about it again.

Until a new fella I got with last year, we were terrible as BF's but we got on brilliantly otherwise(I couldnt get hard and he was a ride!) So we didnt last long, but great friends now.

I decided to hint at it to him one night about sex and sexuality and he was much more understanding, he did say, no judgement here about a few other things we have talked about, he asked me how do I feel when I see a hot guy, I said, attraction but kinda nothing, then he asked how do you feel when you see a hot girl and I said I feel attraction... but I still would
rather be in a relationship with a guy than a woman.

I did feel he felt a little uncomfortable taking to me about this so I have never brought it back up with him.

I do feel that if I go down this road and come out as Bi, people will expect me to be with a girl, and I feel girls will only expect me to cheat on them, which I would never do to anyone, man or woman.

The last time I brought this up on here, about 2 years ago, people advised me to go to the Outhouse, I just (for some reason) can not and do not want to go there at all.
I dont know why but I have a real fear of the place.

Also with tomorrow being the Pride Parade, I do feel I am going to be a bit of a intruder/hypocrite out with everyone even tho I fancy girls and guys. I know Pride is for everyone but I cant help how I feel at the moment.

I am finding it hard to get all my thoughts down here for some reason in a perfect order so I apologize for the messyness of this topic.
Just when these thoughts come up I think I have no one I can really talk to about this and I dont know what to do with these thoughts or how to deal with them.

I do feel that if I do come out as Bi, people will give me the old 'oh you want best of both worlds' or 'You are AFRAID of being gay'.

God I dont know what to do with myself as it does bring me to a dark place and close to tears too. How do I deal with this? What do I do?
Is there other gay men out there who feel the same as me?

I have decided I am not going to be with anyone at the moment as it is not fair on the other person at all until I can figure out what I want, men or women, even if thats for the rest of my little life


Sorry for the very long and incoherent rant

Bisexuality IMO is the most difficult situation and the least understood in the LGBT community. However it is real and the first and most important thing is for you to accept your bisexuality and be comfortable with it.
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes. You were very confident at 16 to come out as gay. At 30 you need to be confident again. If you have true friends they will support you.

floggg

It's unfortunate that there seems to be so much crap around bisexuality that somebody who was able to face coming out so young should have such a hard time coming out as bi.

OP in the same way there was nothing to be ashamed of in coming out gay, there is nothing to be ashamed of in coming out bi. It's just as legitimate as a straight or homosexual orientation and you should have nothing to sorry for. If others can't accept it, especially gay men, it shows a ridiculous amount of ignorance, immaturity and in securuty on their part in my book.

Just be yourself, you can't be anything more.

I say that as a gay man - see we're not all as ignorant as your first mentioned ex.

Conor30

INeedHelpBi wrote: »

Also with tomorrow being the Pride Parade, I do feel I am going to be a bit of a intruder/hypocrite out with everyone even tho I fancy girls and guys. I know Pride is for everyone but I cant help how I feel at the moment.

It's LGBT Pride and that what it's billed as, so no need to feel like a hypocrite!

You don't need to come out as bi, at least not yet. If you start going out with a girl next, give her some time before telling her. If she's worth it, she'll understand. You never have to tell the world you're bi, if you're not comfortable with it.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I have heard similar stories from guys who feel like it's a step back into the closet to say "actually, I was wrong, I like both". It's not though, being in the closet means not being honest. If you're bi but you say you're gay, that's when you're in the closet. You shouldn't be afraid of your sexuality. You have these feelings, you've always had these feelings, and that's perfectly okay.

Yes, some people, gay men in particular, can get very defensive and uptight about it. It's unfortunate, but as with anything in life, you can't let people bully you about your feelings. Yes, you will be called greedy etc, but this is your sexuality and they can like it or lump it. When people say these things to me I just say "Yup! That's me."

You don't necessarily have to come out or make a big announcement. Just try being honest with yourself and accepting it, and don't stop yourself from acting or speaking about it if the situation arises. If you comment on a woman being beautiful, nobody is going to realise it's a big deal to you, to them it'll just be a throwaway comment. You'll probably start to feel better though.

If you meet a woman you're attracted to and wish to pursue something, don't stop yourself. There is no need to go into your relationship history on day one, or at least no need to use gender pronouns.

Don't be sad. Yes it can be difficult sometimes, but really it's a good thing. You're discovering new things about yourself and opening yourself up to more paths in life. You're not alone.

fillefatale

I get the same response when I identify as queer, "That means you're just bi right?" No, I don't identify with the bisexual label.

Respect yourself first, you are not obliged to answer to anyone, or even align yourself with a fixed label if you're not fully comfortable with it. As long as you are happy with whoever you are with, or even loving being single and ultimately yourself, no matter who you fall in love with or lust after. We're only human, and the most important thing is to respect others and ourselves.

Best of luck

1ZRed

I'm the same. Very confusing and annoying. Sometimes I think I'm gay but I still am attracted to women, I just prefer guys more.
I think I only want to be in a relationship with a guy and with women for...you know.
Tbh I don't know what to tell you but you're not alone if you feel confused.

Sometimes I wish somebody would tell me what I am to stop me thinking about it.

I'm 18 and started coming out at 17 but I've actually never felt so confused.

MultiUmm

1ZRed wrote: »

I'm the same. Very confusing and annoying. Sometimes I think I'm gay but I still am attracted to women, I just prefer guys more.
I think I only want to be in a relationship with a guy and with women for...you know.
Tbh I don't know what to tell you but you're not alone if you feel confused.

Sometimes I wish somebody would tell me what I am to stop me thinking about it.

I'm 18 and started coming out at 17 but I've actually never felt so confused.

Sexuality is a very fluid and complex thing. I think people feel the need to slap labels on themselves too often and it's very restrictive for them. At 18 it's not so uncommon for people to wonder about their sexuality and feel confused about it, no one's saying you should have your mind fully made up by now and be dead set on what you prefer/ want. I say this as someone who identifies as gay and I'm 18 as well.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in OP, it sounds like a tough one. Would people really react as badly as you think they might if you told them you were bi though? Often it's the fear of peoples reactions we imagine that can be so much worse then actually coming out to them. Like other posters said if they're truly good friends of yours they'd support you no matter what genders you're attracted to.

OneArt

I was the same, "came out" as gay when I was 15 but after my second boyfriend I ended up going out with a girl. With all of the people I was with, however, I had romantic feelings towards them but they were never sexual. I eventually realised I was more asexual than anything else, but romantically attracted to both.

Haven't really been with anyone in a long time, but I was out drinking the other night and my friend and her work crew, and her manager (a guy) started coming onto me. Me being drunk and wanting a bit of affection, I gave an impression that I was interested. He wasn't bad looking but his overall forwardness with sex put me off big time. I tried explaining my sexuality (or lack thereof) to him, that I was romantically into men and women, he didn't believe it and started off with the usual "you won't be asexual after you've been with me etc". I get that sh!t all the time when I explain my sexuality to people, or some just don't seem to understand the differences between romantic and sexual attraction. Anyway, with regards to the bi-romantic side, he kept calling me a "closeted". I just said I was being honest about my feelings, and that I can't deny I'm attracted to women as well. I then said maybe he's a closeted bisexual and he got very annoyed.

I think when it comes to the more rarer, bizarre sexualities like being bi, asexual or anything else, people don't seem to understand.

At this point, I've stopped caring, and so should you. My general view is if you like someone, you like someone and that's it. F*ck what anyone else thinks.