confusedagain

LegacyUser

Bit of background: I've been going out with my partner for over 2 years. He has twins from a previous relationship who are 4.

I was introduced to the kids early enough into the relationship and have always got along with them.

One of them (A) in particular took a huge shine to me. Would happily stay with me without her dad. Coming to the shop, swimming, the park etc. She is rarely every 'naughty', very polite and well mannered. While the other (B) is very much a 'daddy's girl', little bit more rebellious than the other. She she would come with me alone but it would take a bit of persuading first.

We live together and the girls have a room in our house. This is our second house together. We moved into this house about 2 months ago because we needed more space for the kids.

They stay over 3 weekends a month.

Anyway, the problem. They went on holidays with their mother and mothers extended family and since they've come back A is absolutely terrified of me.

As soon as she see's me she runs and hides behind her dad, crying and screaming uncontrollably.

If she's in the same room as her dad and I walk in, she screams, bawls crying and just tries hiding under his arm.

We went to his families house. All of us bar my boyfriend in the room. She was playing away, happy out and said 'Can I go outside' I said 'sure, i'll come with you''. She darted for my boyfriends brother who she doesn't really see that often and wouldn't be as friendly with him as she previously was with me. Crying again. Afraid of me.

She'd rather be in the arms of a stranger than anywhere near me.

It is very hard to explain how utterly devastating this is for me. To know that I'm causing a child such upset.

My boyfriend has tried a number of different approches. He's tried calmly asking her whats wrong, asking if I'm her friend, asking if she likes me. She always answer yes. He'll say 'GF is upset because she thinks you don't like her'' - she'll come over and give me a hug and then start bursting into tears again.

He's tried punishing her. Not allowing her go swimming (she loves it) because she said she won't go into the changing room with me. Telling her to stay in her room till she stops crying. She does stop but when im back in the picture it continues again.

This is going on over a month now and I just don't know what to do.

I don't know what has been said to her or what has brought this on but I can't help feeling responsible in some way.

I'm not sure my relationship with my bf will last if one of his kids is terrified of me.

Sorry it's long.

Any advice?

Honey-ec

Your boyfriend needs to speak to his ex and find out what happened/was said on the holiday to have brought this on. Only then can you start trying to figure out how to get back to the relationship you had with his daughter previously.

His ex will probably deny down to the ground that anything happened, but something must have. If she's unlikely to tell him, is he on good terms with anyone else in her extended family that might? It could be worthwhile him couching the enquiry in terms of concern for the daughter rather than you being upset, if that makes any sense?

ETA: There's no point in punishing the daughter, it'll only serve to enforce whatever bad associations she has suddenly developed towards you.

Hope you get everything sorted.

daisybelle2008

Problem with partners kids wrote: »

He's tried punishing her. Not allowing her go swimming (she loves it) because she said she won't go into the changing room with me. Telling her to stay in her room till she stops crying. She does stop but when im back in the picture it continues again.


Any advice?

God, I don't know an awful lot about kids but that sounds horrible. Why would you punish a child for something they are scared of .

Please tell your boyfriend to stop punishing the child, I can only imagine it will make the situation much much worse.

I would honestly just bide your time and build the trust back up slowly. Don't pressure and rush the process. And for Gods sake stop punishing and interrogating the child for having this issue, she clearly is genuinely scared and the poor thing most likely does not even know why herself.

Be gentle and take things slowly till she gets her confidence back with you. It may take time, but clearly as it was there before it will again.
Don't impose yourself on her so much until she reaches out and is ready. Have confidence that will happen if you respect the process.

Oh just saw the last reply. I would strongly suggest not gunning for the EX. It will only make things much worse. I am sure she is not responsible for the whims of the 4 year old, who clearly did not have an issue with you before.
Everybody needs to be supportive and adult, not confrontational and making a fecking drama/world war 3 out of it.....

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

God, I don't know an awful lot about kids but that sounds horrible. Why would you punish a child for something they are scared of .

Please tell your boyfriend to stop punishing the child, I can only imagine it will make the situation much much worse.

I would honestly just bide your time and build the trust back up slowly. Don't pressure and rush the process. And for Gods sake stop punishing and interrogating the child for having this issue, she clearly is genuinely scared and the poor thing most likely does not even know why herself.

Be gentle and take things slowly till she gets her confidence back with you. It may take time, but clearly as it was there before it will again.
Don't impose yourself on her so much until she reaches out and is ready. Have confidence that will happen if you respect the process.

Oh just saw the last reply. I would strongly suggest not gunning for the EX. It will only make things much worse. I am sure she is not responsible for the whims of the 4 year old, who clearly did not have an issue with you before.
Everybody needs to be supportive and adult, not confrontational and making a fecking drama/world war 3 out of it.....

He's not exactly 'punishing' the child but it would be impossible for all of us to go swimming is she's refusing to come into the changing room with me. The other one asked could we go swimming and he had to say no. He can't take the two of them and the mens changing room is horrible and isn't suitable for kids.

So we didn't get to go because of her and she knew that. Not the best plan but it wasn't avoidable.

This is going well over a month now. He had tried everything before the 'punishing'.

What he's trying to get across to her is that it's not acceptable behaviour for her to act like that to anyone not just me.

He and I both know I've done absolutely nothing on the child and she is unwilling to say what exactly she is afraid of he's starting to think she's just being bold. Although it is out of character for her.

Regarding the mother. She's know. Since it doesn't happen when she's around she really doesn't give a fiddlers. He is not close to her family so asking them is a no go as well.

daisybelle2008

Problem with partners kids wrote: »

He's not exactly 'punishing' the child but it would be impossible for all of us to go swimming is she's refusing to come into the changing room with me. The other one asked could we go swimming and he had to say no. He can't take the two of them and the mens changing room is horrible and isn't suitable for kids.

So we didn't get to go because of her and she knew that. Not the best plan but it wasn't avoidable.

This is going well over a month now. He had tried everything before the 'punishing'.

What he's trying to get across to her is that it's not acceptable behaviour for her to act like that to anyone not just me.

He and I both know I've done absolutely nothing on the child and she is unwilling to say what exactly she is afraid of he's starting to think she's just being bold. Although it is out of character for her.

Regarding the mother. She's know. Since it doesn't happen when she's around she really doesn't give a fiddlers. He is not close to her family so asking them is a no go as well.

She is only 4 years of age for Gods sake. I am pretty sure she does not even know what she is afraid of. I would seriously not be interrogating her on her reasons. I would honestly not be making a big issue out of it of it or trying to get family, adults and exes involved in some kind of inquisition to get to the bottom of the poor childs heebie jeebie with you. All you will be doing is rubbing people up the wrong way and implying that someone is deviously implanting stuff in the kids head. That will not go down well. The kid has some kind of unexplained whim about you. Please play the long gentle game of getting her back onside in a safe comfortable why.

As for the whole swimming thing, seriously just don't go swimming until this has passed. Swimming is not compulsory, it is not a big deal to wait until she is comfortable again to go.

Problem with partners kids wrote: »

It is very hard to explain how utterly devastating this is for me. To know that I'm causing a child such upset.

Try relaxing and stop being so emotive about it, you are only exacerbating things my taking it so personally. Clearly are not the 'cause' of the upset so no need to get so dramatic about it. The kid is probably sensing all the tension about the situation and it is not helping matters. Playing detective and trying to root cause or blaming her for being 'bold' is just adding more negativity and tension to the situation.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

She is only 4 years of age for Gods sake. I am pretty sure she does not even know what she is afraid of. I would seriously not be interrogating her on her reasons. I would honestly not be making a big issue out of it of it or trying to get family, adults and exes involved in some kind of inquisition to get to the bottom of the poor childs heebie jeebie with you. All you will be doing is rubbing people up the wrong way and implying that someone is deviously implanting stuff in the kids head. That will not go down well. The kid has some kind of unexplained whim about you. Please play the long gentle game of getting her back onside in a safe comfortable why.

As for the whole swimming thing, seriously just don't go swimming until this has passed. Swimming is not compulsory, it is not a big deal to wait until she is comfortable again to go.

I don't think you really get the severity of the situation. We cannot help but make a big issue of it because the child is physically making her self get sick from crying and uncontrollably screaming when I'm around.

Because of this the other child is suffering. So my partner is extremly frustrated. The other kid wants to go do things like swimming etc but can't. This is unfair on her also.

And for god sake he is not interrogating the child. She is 4. He is asking her whats wrong, why she is crying and what she's afraid of in the hope that he can reassure her and get her to calm down.

We have tried treading carefully. Taking it slow. But this has gone on well over a month now. Everyone is frustrated.

ash23

It could be something as simple as her hearing the term step-mother in reference to you and equating it to the stories she knows about step mothers for example.
Don't punish the poor kid though
Something is obviously bothering her. It might not be the holiday at all, it might be the move. It might be about starting school or a million other things.

I think that her parents should consider bringing her to the GP or a child counseller to get to the root of the issue.
It might be that she's at an age now where she is realising her mam and dad are not together like her friends mams and dads.
Separation is very complex and often kids get upset and confused because it's all so complex and not easy for them to understand the issues around adult relationships.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

It could be something as simple as her hearing the term step-mother in reference to you and equating it to the stories she knows about step mothers for example.
Don't punish the poor kid though
Something is obviously bothering her. It might not be the holiday at all, it might be the move. It might be about starting school or a million other things.

I think that her parents should consider bringing her to the GP or a child counseller to get to the root of the issue.
It might be that she's at an age now where she is realising her mam and dad are not together like her friends mams and dads.
Separation is very complex and often kids get upset and confused because it's all so complex and not easy for them to understand the issues around adult relationships.

+ 1 she may have over heard the adults taking about you on the holiday. It may have been harmless comment about your new house and how you and your OH were getting much more serious and she may have got the idea of stepmother stealing her for her mommy or a hundred other ideas. Her mum might have tired explaining something to her about your relationship with your OH in terms that might have confused her again with the idea of a step-mother and replacing her own mother or maybe even you and your OH having kids and replacing her. There is no point in getting stressed or upset over this, I understand your finding it frustrating but she is 4 and clearly confused. Her parents need to set down together with her and talk to her and her sister about their family set up. I've had a number of friends with small kids split from partners and start dating again and it can cause great confusion. Even though you did get on great with her at first she may not have fully understood your relationship to her dad at the start and now either through direct intervention or mishearing/understanding something she has become upset and confused about what role you play in her whole family structure.

Big Bag of Chips

Slightly different, but it might work... When my daughter was tiny (sitting in a bouncer tiny) she would scream crying everytime my brother walked into the room.

He obviously would go to her to say hello and she would scream. He used to get upset by it.

In the end I told him not to approach her, not to acknowledge her at all, and let her come around to him. First day he did it, he walked in and she tensed up. He ignored her completely didn't even look at her. He was there about 5 mins when she realised he was taking no notice and she started kicking her legs, flapping her arms and "shouting" at him to get his attention. He did that I think twice more, and after that whenever he came over she would be so excited when she saw him.

I'm not suggesting you ignore her completely, but I would suggest not pushing her. Let her dad take control when she is there. Let him do the work with her and you don't get involved and don't make it look like it's bothering you.

She will come around. I know it hurts that she seems scared of you.. but I notice even with our kids they will go through phases of only wanting me, or their dad whichever. It's a phase, carry on without making an issue of it and it will pass.

I know you say its been going on a month.. but has that only been 3 weekends? Don't make their weekends into a battle. If in another couple of months there is no improvement, then maybe she should be brought to GP for referral somewhere... For now I'd just wait and see.

Piliger

Hi OP.

What is important here, imho, is that this is an issue for your partner to address. Clearly from my reading of your posts, something has happened when this child was away with her other family. Something bad was said to her or within ear shot of her.

This is not for you to have to grapple with and find a solution. Your partner needs to tackle this head on with his ex. In my books (and I have been in a not very similar situation no so long ago) if he loves you then he cannot allow this to go on.