Not sexually attracted. Lost cause?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I feel like I already know the answer to this one, but I guess I could do with some reassurance/advice/opinions.

I'm a mid - late 20s single woman, living abroad, have dated on and off since moving here but no serious relationships for a long long time.

I should preface this whole thing by saying I've fallen for a lot of the 'wrong' type of guy in my dating history - just players really who blow hot and cold with me, guys who want one thing, get it and lose interest, typically goodlooking guys who are used to getting their pick of women and don't really express any real interest in me beyond a fling, fb type scenario, whatever.

Last weekend I was out with friends, fairly hammered tbh, and met this guy who I ended up spending the night with. We didn't have sex, didn't go back to his, just basically walked around the city together, chatted for hours, got breakfast together, kissed and went our separate ways.

He's not my type physically at all - but I guess I was drunk and got on so well with him that that didn't seem to matter at the time. There was a definite emotional connection.

He's been pretty persistent with the texts ever since and we went out on Monday night. He's a serious gentleman - brought flowers, brought a chocolate bar I had told him I love, paid for dinner, brought a jacket for me in case I got cold! I've literally never been treated this way by a guy before in my life (which prob is a bit sad!)

Anyway after dinner I invited him back to mine, we kissed, got physical, and to cut a long story short, I just couldn't get into it at all. We didn't have sex, I wouldn't do that on a first date anyway but to be honest I just don't think I could bring myself to have sex with him. I didn't feel physically attracted at all and and didn't even enjoy kissing him, I just wanted it to end to be honest.

The guy has made it clear that he's very interested. He texts a million times a day and has already asked me out again. I think he is mistaking my reluctance as 'shyness' (which is hilarious, I am nothing of the sort!)

I just feel a bit torn. I don't want to get this guy's hopes up on the one hand, when he's clearly very eager, but on the other hand I'm so tired of being treated badly/with a lack of respect with the other guys I've dated that this guy is like a breath of fresh air in that way.

In my head I feel like I should give him another chance - I've been single for so long maybe because I've gone for the wrong guy over and over again - but in my gut I don't feel like there's any sort of attraction there. At least with the other guys, the sexual chemistry was so strong that the bedroom stuff happened very easily and lust pretty much drove those 'relationships'. But how important is that stuff really? Is being treated well and the emotional stuff more important when it comes to relationships? With this guy, I have that in spades.

Ugh, God. He just literally texted again two minutes ago. Should I tell him I just don't think it's going to work out, or go on a second date to establish how I actually feel????

Any insights would be massively helpful!!

nowyouresix

Be careful you don't lead him on, tell him you want to go slowly, and maybe there is too much contact, for now. Obviously it is making you feel uncomfortable, but then , if you've never been treated like this before, now you know what it should be like, for the future.

Just saying that sometimes guys who are ott at the start like that end up being needy and potentially jealous characters. Just my opinion.

Seriously though, if you're not feeling it, then don't lead him on.

Good luck xx

daisybelle2008

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Hi guys,

I feel like I already know the answer to this one, but I guess I could do with some reassurance/advice/opinions.

In my head I feel like I should give him another chance - I've been single for so long maybe because I've gone for the wrong guy over and over again - but in my gut I don't feel like there's any sort of attraction there. At least with the other guys, the sexual chemistry was so strong that the bedroom stuff happened very easily and lust pretty much drove those 'relationships'. But how important is that stuff really? Is being treated well and the emotional stuff more important when it comes to relationships? With this guy, I have that in spades.

Ugh, God. He just literally texted again two minutes ago. Should I tell him I just don't think it's going to work out, or go on a second date to establish how I actually feel????

Any insights would be massively helpful!!

Very important. Be careful about putting this guy up on some 'nice guy' pedestal. As you said you don't know each other as you said he thinks your 'shy' which you are not. To be honest he seems a bit full on, with the texts and gifts, which to me is a bit of a red flag. When someone I barely know is that full on with me, I tend to not take them to seriously and would kind of suspect that they are a bit needy emotionally to be investing so much in a stranger. Sometimes these so called 'nice guys' who are full on early on can turn strange when they their investment does not pan out.

To me not having the physical spark would be enough and my gut instinct telling me there is no attraction would be enough not to bother with a second date.
To be honest for me there is never an excuse to ignore your gut instinct.
Other people will tell you otherwise and to give the 'nice guy' a chance.
And in a way that may be good advise too.

Lorna123

You can't even bear this guy texting you OP, much less being intimate with him so all you are doing is sticking with him in case nothing better comes along IMO, not a good basis for a relationship.

Scanlas The 2nd

Do yourself and him a favour and end it. How would you like if a guy was just with you because you were "nice" but had no interest in sex with you.

D.R Adams

No physical attraction, constant texting, over zealous (who the f**k brings a jacket for a lady on a first date!!), no "tingling sensation" while kissing/getting physical = tell him its not for you and do it soon, unfair to lead him on and I mean that for you also. You may end up going out with him for his "nice guy" qualities and then in 6 months time saying "how the f**k do i get out of this??"

HowItIs

OP you're not interested in this guy. That's the long and short of it.

You say that this guy is amazing emotionally but clearly that's some kind of turn-off for you, (I mean why else would you find him so unattractive sexually?) and yet you still want to be treated like this by a guy.

Fair enough but if you find this guy that unattractive the only fair thing to do is not lead him on.

If you want to go on another date and see if he manages to kindle some spark then by all means but anything beyond that and you are absolutely 100 % leading him on.

dellas1979

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

typically goodlooking guys

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

He's not my type physically at all

Are you saying that he is not goodlooking enough? Is he the opposite of what you normally go for? Just trying to establish what exactly this guy is or is not to you, so that maybe you can get over it.

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Are you saying that he is not goodlooking enough? Is he the opposite of what you normally go for? Just trying to establish what exactly this guy is or is not to you, so that maybe you can get over it.

He's a cute guy, but physically different from most guys I've been with before. I tend to go for tall sporty kind of guys, alpha male types, this guy is short, not alpha and not in great shape. I know it makes me sound like the most fickle person in the world - and probably a big part of why my relationship history is littered with these 'players' - and that's sort of why I want to give this guy a chance even though I felt no physical spark or attraction when we got down to it. I thought the fact that we got on like a house on fire meant there was potential.

I don't want to keep falling for the typically goodlooking guys who have their pick of women and treat me just like another number. But can you actually change what you're physically attracted to? I'm quite athletic myself, work hard on staying in shape and take good care of myself, would be considered attractive.

Anyway to update, guy has texted a lot over the last few days, he asks me out at every given chance ('it's so hot today!' 'Let's go to the beach!' / 'what are you doing' 'just back from work and relaxing' 'let's get coffee' etc etc) I've been up to my eyes at work so haven't exactly lied to him about having no free time, but I think the lack of texts coming from my direction is becoming a bit obvious.

I guess I should just tell him my heart's not really in it at this stage...what are thoughts on doing it by text?

Lorna123

You only know this man a week OP so no harm in saying that your heart isn't in it by text. It would be different if you knew him for months. He probably has a feeling anyway that you are not responding like someone who is interested.

Table Top Joe

Your either attracted to someone or your not,you cant force yourself.....there are other guys out there who are good looking and athletic and all that who arent "players" you know? i think a lot of guys are like that in their early 20s but grow up a bit later on,maybe look for someone a bit older?*


To be honest this guy sounds too nice,im all for being a gentleman,id happily give my jacket to a girl when its cold(in fact i have!......did this guy bring a jacket for you or give you his btw? bringing it is a bit much in fairness....bit strange even)but theres being nice and being......well,needy and desperate which this fella sounds like to be fair,i think its a mistake to go against your instincts



Your only late 20s so why settle for something your not happy with? youve said you were attractive (and if you keep pulling these types of guys then you must be)so why not hold out for someone who does it for you? if you let guys treat you badly they will,demand more from your partners,a guy can be good looking and confident without being a d***



Anywho best of luck and dont sell yourself short......(no pun intended.......well maybe a little bit)



*I thought you were early 20s when i first wrote and was thinking maybe you should go for guys late 20s on.......if a guy is a still being a player in his late 20s thats just how he is,anyway,my point is you can have the great guy(for you)who isnt a d***!

Merkin

A good partner does not mean making the either/or choice which seems to have presented itself to you.

You seem to think men fall into two camps:

He's smoking hot and gives you fizzy knickers but is a total bastard
OR
You are not at all attracted to him but he is kind and respectful and decent and fun.

You can have both and I'd hold out for that if I were you!!

Seems like you are moving in the right direction in that you now realise you want more than some charming prick who is going to show you no respect. Hold out for a good one who will love you and be good to you - you have to fancy the arse off them too though and I wouldn't compromise on that just like I wouldn't compromise on someone being a good one - it will be worth the wait!

I'd also cut this guy loose when you clearly don't even fancy him.

Podgers

i have been in your boat before OP,

the truth is, if its not there now it never will be.

i met a girl, really nice but i wasn't physically attracted to her hoping that in time things would change but they don't. after awhile you will start drifting away.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, you've helped me to see the glaringly obvious. Without sexual attraction it's pretty much a friendship.

It has opened my eyes to the fact that I've settled for a lot of sh1tty behaviour from the guys I've been with over the years and I should be looking for a bit more respect for myself in future.

Anyway I haven't heard from him since Friday, so it may be naturally petering out anyway.

Johnjoe7 - I'm not looking for Brad Pitt, I just tend to be attracted by certain traits and features, just like anyone else. I'd say you're a real hit with the ladies with that attitude.

minder2009

Very important to be quick straight honest with this fellow. You got to be cruel to be kind. Have no doubt he is in top of the world and letting people know he has a good looking girl on his elbow ..... Bla bla and the longer you leave the more damage you will do. You may end up with an aquintence with a serious axe(literally) to grind ... You don't want your head on the block! Quick and clean ! The break not the cut!!!

dannyc31

god yes end this now. its actually sweet you've taken the time to even ask whether you should do it or not, shows you're not a heartless b*tch. but you cant force attraction.

people who go around saying looks are not important, thats saying gets misunderstood imo. i guess whats meant is that looks will initially attract you too someone but if that person turns out to be a total d*ckhead, then he can be george clooney and its not gonna work for you in the long term. its amazing how quickly someone can turn ugly if they have an ugly personality.

imo this guy seems too nice not even from the point of considerate, but from the point of being a bit sad. i mean who brings along a jacket for a date incase the girl might get cold, this is cringe stuff sounds like he looked it up on a website called "dating for Dorks" or something.

have to say i'm guilty of doing the same thing with women. that they are either stunning georgia Salpa lookalikes but dont have a brain cell to their name or they have the personality of a female ricky gervais but a face like him too. it is hard to get that balance.

alot of good looking blokes probably are players because they are use to getting what they want, its probably unavoidable but perhaps grow out of it when they are older & wiser.

vwtsi140

Hi Op,

Speaking as a guy in his early Thirties, i can understand where you are coming from. I seem to be on the same path with women recently - meet a girl i really get on with, but have doubts about the level of physical attraction - in the end, painful as it is looks do matter - they are like the initial hurdle that has to be cleared and then you get on to getting to know the person and hopefully falling in love with them

Sometimes i feel like a pr!ck for being caught up on looks - some of my friends think i am very picky - in the past i feel that i only considered looks which has lead to me still being single at age 32, but know i really want to meet someone who has the two p's - physical attraction and personality attraction

Hopefully i will meet someone who ticks the boxes (fingers crossed) Am a tall atletic guy so i do meet women but hard to find the one who ticks most of the important boxes - anyway i am beginning to ramble - sorry op

as the other posters have said, if you are doubting the physical , which you clearly are, then the relationship will never get off the ground

So end it is my advice

Do the right thing, especially for him; he obviously thinks there's something there but you don't. It's up to you to tell him so, otherwise it's just going to continue and that's not fair for anyone.

Hell, you even said you didn't like kissing him. That, right there, should be massive red flags.

snafuk35

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Hi guys,

I feel like I already know the answer to this one, but I guess I could do with some reassurance/advice/opinions.

I'm a mid - late 20s single woman, living abroad, have dated on and off since moving here but no serious relationships for a long long time.

I should preface this whole thing by saying I've fallen for a lot of the 'wrong' type of guy in my dating history - just players really who blow hot and cold with me, guys who want one thing, get it and lose interest, typically goodlooking guys who are used to getting their pick of women and don't really express any real interest in me beyond a fling, fb type scenario, whatever.

Last weekend I was out with friends, fairly hammered tbh, and met this guy who I ended up spending the night with. We didn't have sex, didn't go back to his, just basically walked around the city together, chatted for hours, got breakfast together, kissed and went our separate ways.

He's not my type physically at all - but I guess I was drunk and got on so well with him that that didn't seem to matter at the time. There was a definite emotional connection.

He's been pretty persistent with the texts ever since and we went out on Monday night. He's a serious gentleman - brought flowers, brought a chocolate bar I had told him I love, paid for dinner, brought a jacket for me in case I got cold! I've literally never been treated this way by a guy before in my life (which prob is a bit sad!)

Anyway after dinner I invited him back to mine, we kissed, got physical, and to cut a long story short, I just couldn't get into it at all. We didn't have sex, I wouldn't do that on a first date anyway but to be honest I just don't think I could bring myself to have sex with him. I didn't feel physically attracted at all and and didn't even enjoy kissing him, I just wanted it to end to be honest.

The guy has made it clear that he's very interested. He texts a million times a day and has already asked me out again. I think he is mistaking my reluctance as 'shyness' (which is hilarious, I am nothing of the sort!)

I just feel a bit torn. I don't want to get this guy's hopes up on the one hand, when he's clearly very eager, but on the other hand I'm so tired of being treated badly/with a lack of respect with the other guys I've dated that this guy is like a breath of fresh air in that way.

In my head I feel like I should give him another chance - I've been single for so long maybe because I've gone for the wrong guy over and over again - but in my gut I don't feel like there's any sort of attraction there. At least with the other guys, the sexual chemistry was so strong that the bedroom stuff happened very easily and lust pretty much drove those 'relationships'. But how important is that stuff really? Is being treated well and the emotional stuff more important when it comes to relationships? With this guy, I have that in spades.

Ugh, God. He just literally texted again two minutes ago. Should I tell him I just don't think it's going to work out, or go on a second date to establish how I actually feel????

Any insights would be massively helpful!!

I presume this guy has very little experience with women so he is extremely grateful to have somebody to take an interest in him and his full on behavior reeks of neediness.
You are exploiting his lack of confidence.
It's not fair on him and you should end it right now before it gets out of hand. Have some self-respect and stop falling for the same codology from others guys and spare yourself for someone who actually want to be with.

snafuk35

snafuk35 wrote: »

I presume this guy has very little experience with women so he is extremely grateful to have somebody to take an interest in him and his full on behavior reeks of neediness.
You are exploiting his lack of confidence.
It's not fair on him and you should end it right now before it gets out of hand. Have some self-respect and stop falling for the same codology from others guys and spare yourself for someone who actually want to be with.

I wouldn't say that necessarily true; just because I might do those things, it doesn't make me needy - what it makes me is a gentleman who, instead of doing the same old, likes to actually court the woman.

daisybelle2008

Deleted User wrote: »

I wouldn't say that necessarily true; just because I might do those things, it doesn't make me needy - what it makes me is a gentleman who, instead of doing the same old, likes to actually court the woman.

Yes but times have moved on and women are more financially and emotionally independent so those being a 'lady' and being a 'gentleman' roles and 'courting' are not that necessary you will understand that some women find them a little condescending and outdated.

When a guy you barely know is buying gifts, bringing you a jacket in case you get cold (:rolleyes:), texting a million times a day - it could be seen as neediness to a lot of modern women.

The jacket thing alone would put me off (I am not simple and know how to dress for weather), but the constant texting reeks of neediness not being a 'gentleman'.

But to each their own.

dannyc31

Speaking as a guy in his early Thirties, i can understand where you are coming from. I seem to be on the same path with women recently - meet a girl i really get on with, but have doubts about the level of physical attraction - in the end, painful as it is looks do matter - they are like the initial hurdle that has to be cleared and then you get on to getting to know the person and hopefully falling in love with them

Sometimes i feel like a pr!ck for being caught up on looks - some of my friends think i am very picky - in the past i feel that i only considered looks which has lead to me still being single at age 32, but know i really want to meet someone who has the two p's - physical attraction and personality attraction

Hopefully i will meet someone who ticks the boxes (fingers crossed) Am a tall atletic guy so i do meet women but hard to find the one who ticks most of the important boxes - anyway i am beginning to ramble - sorry op

as the other posters have said, if you are doubting the physical , which you clearly are, then the relationship will never get off the ground

mate i hear ya. same stuff right here but i've stopped worrying about it. if it happens it happens if not i'm sure you know how to enjoy life as a single tall athletic man

the thing that worrys me most is that when i talk to my mates about it who are in long term relationships alot of them say enjoy it while ya can and almost seem in admiration which kinda puts me even more off getting into something serious with just any ordinary girl its a vicious cycle but what will be will be.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

Well, just to update, this whole thing has come to an end so you were all right, if there's no physical chemistry there's just no point!

I got a text from him out of the blue after a few days of no contact saying 'I'm a persistent guy, the flowers and the live music weren't for nothing lol! How's your week going?' and I basically came clean and told him that I've really enjoyed his company, but don't think we should meet up again as my heart wasn't really in it.

He was a bit miffed and I got a few 'why what happened? I thought we were getting on really well' texts after that, but what can you do. I know I did the right thing, but I still feel terrible about it and feel like I led him on, even though it was basically a drunken kiss that led to a first date and nothing more. If it's not there, it's just not there.

Now all I have to do is find a guy who makes me weak at the knees AND isn't an a55hole...!!

Thanks for all of your advice and insights.

dannyc31

best of luck with it young lady, just dont force it you've plenty of time, i'm sure someone will come along soon enough when you least expect it as they say

one thing i will say thou for girls like yourself if you're out and you do see i guy you really fancy, really flirt over the top cause there is a phenomenon known as the "reluctant male" in the dating game. this is were girls believe they are flirting outrageously with a guy and sending them all the right signals and wonder why they are not getting approached but unfortunately its been shown that men are ridiculously bad at picking up these signals, so really go over the top with it, even if you have to push him in the back. best of luck with everything

vwtsi140

dannyc31 wrote: »

mate i hear ya. same stuff right here but i've stopped worrying about it. if it happens it happens if not i'm sure you know how to enjoy life as a single tall athletic man

the thing that worrys me most is that when i talk to my mates about it who are in long term relationships alot of them say enjoy it while ya can and almost seem in admiration which kinda puts me even more off getting into something serious with just any ordinary girl its a vicious cycle but what will be will be.

Good to know i am not alone DannyC - here to enjoying life as it is today and hopefully we will get what we want in the future

vwtsi140

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Well, just to update, this whole thing has come to an end so you were all right, if there's no physical chemistry there's just no point!

I got a text from him out of the blue after a few days of no contact saying 'I'm a persistent guy, the flowers and the live music weren't for nothing lol! How's your week going?' and I basically came clean and told him that I've really enjoyed his company, but don't think we should meet up again as my heart wasn't really in it.

He was a bit miffed and I got a few 'why what happened? I thought we were getting on really well' texts after that, but what can you do. I know I did the right thing, but I still feel terrible about it and feel like I led him on, even though it was basically a drunken kiss that led to a first date and nothing more. If it's not there, it's just not there.

Now all I have to do is find a guy who makes me weak at the knees AND isn't an a55hole...!!

Thanks for all of your advice and insights.

Well done OP - right decision made - take the lesson and move on positively

Piliger

Well done OP. I know it feels horrible but you did the right thing and learned a huge amount in the process. Now you need to take some time to yourself and make sure you don't make the same mistakes next time around.

snafuk35

dontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Well, just to update, this whole thing has come to an end so you were all right, if there's no physical chemistry there's just no point!

I got a text from him out of the blue after a few days of no contact saying 'I'm a persistent guy, the flowers and the live music weren't for nothing lol! How's your week going?' and I basically came clean and told him that I've really enjoyed his company, but don't think we should meet up again as my heart wasn't really in it.

He was a bit miffed and I got a few 'why what happened? I thought we were getting on really well' texts after that, but what can you do. I know I did the right thing, but I still feel terrible about it and feel like I led him on, even though it was basically a drunken kiss that led to a first date and nothing more. If it's not there, it's just not there.

Now all I have to do is find a guy who makes me weak at the knees AND isn't an a55hole...!!

Thanks for all of your advice and insights.

He'll get over it and I hope you filled him on what went wrong so he can learn from it and not make the same mistakes again with the next girl.

What you need to do is cop the next time a guy is just telling you what you want to hear to get you into bed rather than really looking for something serious.

Set your standards higher and don't just spend your time with a guy who satisfies your loneliness and need to be wanted.
Instead be your own person and look for someone else who is their own person so that your next relationship has more chance of being the real deal rather than fling or something that makes you squirm.
Keep that in mind and you can't go wrong.:)