Friend is Obsessed with Work Collegue, I Feel He Might Need Help

Motley Crue

A friend I've worked with for the last 18 months has become increasingly obsessed about the receptionist in our building. He went out on a staff night out a few months ago, having fantasied about asking her out for months, and when he did it she rejected him - which destroyed his confidence and almost lost him his job (he took a week off work to "recover" and was ashamed to show his face in the office)

The rejection itself wasn't even that bad, but he's desperate for a girlfriend, and I think he put a lot of his egg's in the one basket with this girl. It turns out that she actually has a boyfriend, but that my friend and her had been texting quite a lot, and she'd asked him by text (late one night) whether "if I wasn't going out with X, would you want to be my boyfriend?"

This girl then comes back to work and (sorry for any offence) but because she's a receptionist she tells everyone she can find about the pass he made, and how digusted she was, because he's not even in the same league as her. As part of the rejection, this girl also told another guy on the same night(we'll call him Andy) that she actually fancies him, even though she has a boyfriend, well Andy was only there because my friend invitied him to this night out, he doesn't even work with us, and this has been like rubbing salt in the wound.

A few weeks have gone past and when my friend and this girl had a chat, she insisted they remain good friends, which he has taken quite literally - saying to me that "she better work hard to show me she's as good of a friend and she promised she would be" and still, honestly, believing he has a shot with this girl. I've even found songs he's been writing, lyrics and poems in his handwriting, that he has saved in document folders associated with our bloody project work - the poems read like love poems and dedications to this girl, and are timecoded well after the rejection!

I've offered to take him out to single's events, even just go out "on the lash" with him a few nights, see if we can't find him someone through either the Bar scene or Internet dating. But he won't see past it, as far as he's concerned, this girl is for him...and I'm worried he might do something stupid, not only risking his job, but embarassing himself, getting himself in trouble and (maybe because of the fact we both work for the same department in a small team) risk my job as well.

Any advice - how can I take his mind off his girl!

skooterblue2

Oh dear god, of all the girls he had to fall for. There is not a lot you can do here this thing has to play its way through. This girl loves the attention and is in the throes of her own personal soap opera.

There is nothing you can do except be there for your friend when he realises its not going to pan out as he expects. I am sorry for your friend.

daisybelle2008

God OP if I was you I would be distancing myself from this guy big time. It really is not your job to 'take his mind off' this girl. Jesus, he actually sounds borderline psychotic. There is nothing cute about this obsession. Not sure what he means by 'she better work hard to show me she's a good friend…' How far is he going to take things if she doesn't??
I would not be bothering myself with the details and who is right or wrong or analysing the situation. Some young girls like a bit of attention and can be a bit immature with flirting etc., but she is really not aware of the level of his obsession. I would advise do not risk your job by trying to deal with his delusion. Delusional inscure people tend to have no boundaries with the damage they can do and liberties they will take with people who will entertain them. He will use you to get to her if it helps him and drop you like a hot proverbial if it doesn't (As you have seen will not be bothered socialilsing with you unless his target is there). Just a clarification, her rejection did not 'destroy his confidence'. If he had a healthy mindset to begin with he could handle a simple rejection.
I would not spend one minute trying to help him, he will take you down with him faster than you can 'fix' this. His issues run very deep and only he can acknowledge and fix them.

Beruthiel

This is exactly why I say you should never get involved with someone you work with.

Motley Crue wrote: »

(he took a week off work to "recover" and was ashamed to show his face in the office)

I'd have to say your friend may have some deep rooted issues MC.
I mean, really, a week off just because someone at work knocked him back!?
Alarm bells. Ringing all over the camp.

As for the girl in question telling all and sundry. What a bitch. No sensitivity, subtly or grace.
He dodged a bullet there imo.

But he won't see past it, as far as he's concerned, this girl is for him.

Stalker, bunny boiler territory.

If he is that obsessed over her, as a friend, you should be suggesting he talk to a professional until he gets passed this.

Herrick

Motley Crue wrote: »

It turns out that she actually has a boyfriend, but that my friend and her had been texting quite a lot, and she'd asked him by text (late one night) whether "if I wasn't going out with X, would you want to be my boyfriend?"

This girl then comes back to work and (sorry for any offence) but because she's a receptionist she tells everyone she can find about the pass he made, and how digusted she was, because he's not even in the same league as her. As part of the rejection, this girl also told another guy on the same night(we'll call him Andy) that she actually fancies him, even though she has a boyfriend,

A few weeks have gone past and when my friend and this girl had a chat, she insisted they remain good friends

Your friend is def waaaay too invested in this girl.

The worst part is she sounds like a complete bitch. She knew exactly what she was at and that he fancied her. I mean she actually text him asking if she was single would he like to be her boyfriend? In fairness most would think that was a sign she fancied him back. She was completely and knowingly leading him on imo.

Then she has the cheek to tell everyone about his advances and the sheer audacity to say she's out of his league :rolleyes: I can understand someone thinking this quietly to themselves but to go around saying it to others? She sounds very charming. Not to mention telling another guy she fancies him while having a bf. Please tell me she's late teens, very early twenties at the most :eek: I don't even know if immaturity could get you away with any of that when I think about it.

Then she "insists" they remain good friends. Yeah sure what will she do without her constant ego boost God love her :rolleyes:

Jesus Christ her poor boyfriend

If your friend hadn't the blinkers on he could see her for what she really is. I wouldn't piss on someone like her, never-mind ask her out. She's sounds like pure and utter poison.

Elmidena

This sounds a lot like my history with an ex. He couldn't accept it was over, and it got to the stage where I was awake all the time for a number of days on end, hugging a sword as I was sick and tired (and scared) of being on my own in the country when he dropped by night and day. He didn't even live near me. I wanted to call the guards more than once but assumed it would blow over and didn't want to elongate it more than was needed. He was thoroughly obsessed with me and hounded me for years. I went to Cork with my partner for a getaway weekend as he'd never been before, and my ex was THERE in the SAME pub as us. The ex had also never been to Cork, and lives a couple of miles away from me in Wexford. That meeting could not have been a coincidence!

This friend of yours does need help IMO, before he winds up hurting her, her boyfriend, or himself. She is obviously the plaster covering a much deeper issue of his, but try to move yourself away from him as much as possible while he is like this; you don't want to be caught up if anything blows up. It might be worthwhile having a quiet word with your boss about finding your friend's personal documents alongside professional ones and leave it at that; no need to get into the nitty gritty of the romance saga--your boss doesn't need to know that, but does need to know there's someone on the payroll that isn't concerned about maintaining boundaries that should be set in concrete.

LegacyUser

Maybe just sit him down and be completely honest with him (if you haven't already been).

You sound like a nice, caring person, who is really concerned for a friend, which is really lovely. Obviously, you do not want this guy to be hurt, but I would sit him down and look him straight in the eye and say, 'she is not interested in you. It's not going to happen. You need to stop'. Tell him that you know it hurts, but you are willing to be there for him (it sounds like you already are). Tell him repeatedly, as saying it once will not hit home.

A friend of mine is in this situation at the moment. He is not as obsessed with the person he likes but he is very much not hearing what the girl is saying. She has made it clear on a number of different occasions that it is never going to happen. But he is just not seeing it. He is continuously making excuses to be around her and spend time with her under the guise of 'friendship'. And that is a situation where the girl is in no way leading my friend on. The fact of the matter is that, he cannot be friends with this girl. He needs space to get her out of his head (both your friend and my friend). Otherwise the obsession will continue.

Now I'm starting to waffle....I'll stop now.

blatantrereg

I'd stay out of it tbh. They are both massive drama queens. I think paying attention to the situation feeds it, because it adds to the drama for him. They're both playing a stupid game, and it's more stupid when they are doing so in a work environment. If you want to help, dont talk about it at all, and be dismissive when he brings her up - "Still going on about that are you?" If that sounds callous, consider it in the context that your friend probably doesn't have a genuine emotional bond with her, and that any gentler responses are just encouraging his stupidity.

Motley Crue

Thanks for the advice thus far. As luck would have it my friend has now been removed from the workplace. It was for another matter entirely but given that situation there is a question mark over whether he will ever come back. I've been left, sort of in charge of the team, but I'm managing anyway.

At first when he was at home there were some cryptic messages on his Facebook, which were aimed at this girl, but she eventually text him and (in her own way) apologised for leading him on. She then addressed the situation with me and asked, given that he wouldn't be around, we could perhaps all move on and forget anything ever happened (or didn't)...I saw no reason to disagree with her, it wasn't really my business anyway, it was his. Oddly enough she did admit it wasn't the first time this had happened, and that even before I'd started in the job she'd been approached by other guys in a similar fashion who believed her behaviour had given them false hope. She said there was a pattern emerging....maybe progress is being made.....:rolleyes:

The only small thing was that our boss wanted to check some files in his computer and found a lot of the poems and lyrics (some of them handwritten in his locked office desk, some of them saved on the hard drive) - he didn't make the connection and asked me to have a word about it.... I explained he was going through some personal problems at home, I didn't know much, but that it was better he discuss it with him and I didn't think they were aimed towards anyone specific. My boss took the handwritten letters and made a copy of some of those on the hard drive, but just told me to delete anything not related to the department and continue as if we'd never had this conversation.

I didn't like lying but I felt in this situation it wasn't best to further stir the pot. It seems, for now anyway, that this situation has been resolved...if my friend ever comes back to work, which is questionable at this point, then I'm sure things will have moved on a lot since then.

blatantrereg

I suspect it's not a coincidence that she changed her attitude just when you - his friend - were left kind of in charge tbh

opinion guy

Wow

Thats far too much drama to be having to deal with at work.
Thoughts:
a) your friend clearly has issues
b) the girl sounds like a right bitch
c) your boss should not be keeping someone elses personal hand written notes from their desk
d) you need a new job!!!1