Girlfriend can't sleep beside me

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a girl for a few months. Everything's been going amazingly so far. We're both completely smitten.

The only thing is, she admitted the other night that she can't get to sleep in the same bed as me. She's a light sleeper and apparently I move too much in my sleep, that I keep waking her up.

The solution she proposed was for one of us to go back home to our own place after we'd finished, with her only staying over once in a while where she just put up with the sleep deprivation.

Now obviously, these aren't ideal situations. We live a good hour apart, so having to get home late at night, is a big pain, and we'd both much rather be there for each other in the mornings. On the other hand, she needs her sleep, and I hate being responsible for keeping her up.

Our rooms are too small for one of us to sleep on the floor, and she doesn't want me to sleep on her couch, as I'd be inconveniencing her housemates, and I'd have the same situation in my place.

We're both mid 20's. She's had 2 boyfriends before me, and in both cases they were never able to stay over at each others often. for various reasons.


Really I don't know what to do. The situation's inconvenient now, but I'm more concerned about the future, cause it's early days yet, but I could see us moving in together, and I'd hate this to become a big issue between us.

Has anyone had this problem? How did they overcome it?

Abi

Girlfriend Can't Sleep Beside me wrote: »

I've been seeing a girl for a few months. Everything's been going amazingly so far. We're both completely smitten.

The only thing is, she admitted the other night that she can't get to sleep in the same bed as me. She's a light sleeper and apparently I move too much in my sleep, that I keep waking her up.

The solution she proposed was for one of us to go back home to our own place after we'd finished, with her only staying over once in a while where she just put up with the sleep deprivation.

Now obviously, these aren't ideal situations. We live a good hour apart, so having to get home late at night, is a big pain, and we'd both much rather be there for each other in the mornings. On the other hand, she needs her sleep, and I hate being responsible for keeping her up.

Our rooms are too small for one of us to sleep on the floor, and she doesn't want me to sleep on her couch, as I'd be inconveniencing her housemates, and I'd have the same situation in my place.

We're both mid 20's. She's had 2 boyfriends before me, and in both cases they were never able to stay over at each others often. for various reasons.


Really I don't know what to do. The situation's inconvenient now, but I'm more concerned about the future, cause it's early days yet, but I could see us moving in together, and I'd hate this to become a big issue between us.

Has anyone had this problem? How did they overcome it?

I think there may be more to this. If she's not just doing this with you, then is it possible that she has issues regarding personal space / commitment or anything like that?

If you're in a relationship with someone, you look for solutions to a problem together but she's done the same to you all. If it was just the bed thing then I'd be less inclined to think there was any more to it other than being a light sleeper. But she won't even let you sleep on the sofa? something doesn't quite sit right.

Do you think it could be either of the above? being too used to her own space or being afraid to commit?

indough

sounds like she doesnt want him to sleep on the sofa because she has housemates and presumably the sofa is in a communal area. that is kind of understandable

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Myself and my boyfriend of 2 years had the same issue when we first started going out. I am a very very light sleeper and find it difficult to nod off in the first place. He has a tendency to toss and turn as well as run in his sleep Obviously I found it hard if not impossible to get to sleep and had never really been used to sharing a bed with someone on a regular basis before him. Basically it just took getting used to him being in the same bed and it was more than a month or two to do so I won't lie. In the mean time would you consider staying over less frequentl?y So while you do get the opportunity to stay over together it won't be too often that she is wrecked. I found that if I wasn't working the next day at least I could sleep in when he headed off. It's funny coz I moved away for college so we don't get to stay together that often so we are back to square one. Some people are really difficult sleepers and from my own experience it was just a matter of getting used to sharing a bed

Sinall

I've always been a light sleeper like your girlfriend OP and in the initial stage of relationships really wouldn't sleep much at all. For me, it was partly to do with being a light sleeper and partly not being fully relaxed, so I wouldn't fall asleep. Even with my now fiancé it took about 6 months before I could have a proper night's sleep! I just stuck with it. We were in different countries so were only seeing each other a few times a month at that stage, so I definitely wanted to be sharing a bed with him! Eventually, after I relaxed properly I was able to get to sleep without any problems. I'm still a light sleeper, so I do wake up easily, but I miss him if he's not in the bed with me! I'd advise you and your girlfriend to persevere, if possible and it should come right.

LegacyUser

Interesting, but I don't think that's the case. We'd been sleeping together nearly a month before she brought it up. She'd been putting up with it, in the hopes that it'd get better. It was a big deal for her to bring it up. She's too kind for her own good sometimes!

We've talked it through quite a bit.

Her first boyfriend was when she lived with her parents, and wasn't allowed stay over at his.

Her second boyfriend was long distance, so they only stayed together once a month or so, where she'd just put up with the lack of sleep.

I'm her first boyfriend who she sees regularly, which is why it's become an issue.


When we're together she's extremely affectionate and loving.That being said, I do wonder if she is trying to keep an element of distance in general. She's a very independent person, and I know self sufficiency is hugely important to her in general, to the point where she's become a semi expert in DIY!

It's a trait I find very attractive. Particularly after breaking up with my last girlfriend partly for being too clingy. But she's never once asked for my advice or assistance with anything.

Another thing I've noticed is she has a habit of taking ages to respond to texts. I'll text her, she'll text back 2 hours later, I'll text back within a few minutes, I'll have to wait an hour for a response. This happens most of the time.

I might be reading too much into that one, cause I rarely see her answering texts from other people when we're together, and her texts are quite affectionate, with no hints of playing hot/cold etc. I just find it a little annoying, trying to have a conversation.

LegacyUser

Dont worry about the future too much, as in the future, you might be able to afford seperate room in the same house or seperate beds in the same room together or any solutions, or a super king size bed...

I am also a light sleeper and I can really understand your girlfriend's issue. And I think it makes sense that she does not want you to sleep on the sofa as it's a common area. And if I can't even sleep on the floor, I would really rather go back home to have a sleep. Maybe try to arrange sex time during Friday/ Saturday or days before the day off so even she can't sleep for a night, she can sleep the next day to compensate???

Beetlebum

I may have a solution OP..

My best mate has a really big bed that is a strange design. It looks like a king size bed but it's actually got a panel in the centre that makes it almost like 2 beds on 1 if that makes sense! It's hard to explain!

To look at it when it's made up, it looks like a huge bed but the mattress is split in two kinda thing. Why don't you look on the Ikea website for something similar. They definetly exist, I've seen them in hotels before too. I know beds don't come cheap but it's worth it if it means being able to sleep in teh same bad (technically) and retain intimacy!

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Yeah I've a split bed too. Found it helped a bit, you just didn't feel the movement as much. Over time though I just find you get used to the movement of the person there.

strandroad

Beetlebum wrote: »

I may have a solution OP..

My best mate has a really big bed that is a strange design. It looks like a king size bed but it's actually got a panel in the centre that makes it almost like 2 beds on 1 if that makes sense! It's hard to explain!

To look at it when it's made up, it looks like a huge bed but the mattress is split in two kinda thing. Why don't you look on the Ikea website for something similar. They definetly exist, I've seen them in hotels before too. I know beds don't come cheap but it's worth it if it means being able to sleep in teh same bad (technically) and retain intimacy!

Best of luck!

You don't even need a special bed, you can just put in two single mattresses in place of one double mattress. If you're sleeping on one, your tossing and turning makes her jump. I sympathise with your GF, my OH is so much heavier than I am and he has a habit of turning with nearly a jump, which then nearly throws me up in the air. I got used to it eventually, but every now and then I have a very uncomfortable night with very little sleep.

As for texts, some people just don't use them for conversation; for them, texts are to exchange quick info, and if you want to have a conversation, you ring that person as texts are not sufficient. I'm like that, my OH is too and a lot of other people I know. It's just a preference, nothing to do with affection.

batsherlashes

Me and my boyfriend had trouble sleeping beside each other at first. I tossed and turned a lot and disturbed him quite a bit. I found though the more we slept with each other the easier it became. Maybe suggest that you spend a few more nights sleeping beside each other to see if it improves?

Things I think that helped me was opening a window because I moved more when it was warm. I also tried to make myself more tired before I fell asleep by reading or drinking a hot chocolate so I found it easier to fall asleep quicker. And maybe try putting your arms around her as you sleep, as I found I move a lot less if I'm stuck in a cuddle position with the boyfriend!

ronjo

mhge wrote: »

You don't even need a special bed, you can just put in two single mattresses in place of one double mattress. If you're sleeping on one, your tossing and turning makes her jump. I sympathise with your GF, my OH is so much heavier than I am and he has a habit of turning with nearly a jump, which then nearly throws me up in the air. I got used to it eventually, but every now and then I have a very uncomfortable night with very little sleep.

+1 to this.

My wife couldnt sleep when we started going out for same reasons. We have 2 single mattresses and and 2 single duvets and its great as we are both pretty light sleepers.

CBFi

from the replies I think this is a pretty common problem- my OH (and me to a lesser extent) couldnt sleep well together at the beginning of our relationship. just not being able to fully relax.

Now he's taken to waking me up while ' sleep waking' every few months. it used to give me a fright, now I just laugh.

You will just get used to each other and then not be able to sleep without each other, is my experience. if its the case that she is such a light sleeper, she'll never get used to it then I think suggestions from a few posters about having a split double bed is a great solution! forget the money- you can take the bed with you when you move and you'll have it for years!

Curry Addict

a memory foam mattress, superking size bed and a large duvet works great. with a memory foam mattress u dont feel your partner moving around at all.

Sleepy

Myself and the other half were similar when we started going out: she thrashes around in the bed a lot during her sleep and I snore so neither of us were sleeping well. We just worked through it and now neither of us have any problems sleeping (though I did end up on the couch for nearly 3 months whilst she was pregnant - pregnant women with sleep deprivation aren't safe to be around! lol).

Lolajay

I think I'm similar to your girlfriend. In a new relationship I find it very hard to sleep - 1. Because I can't relax like at home and 2. because it's weird sharing somewhere that is normally such a personal space.

It takes me months and months and I think it's when I really love someone, I let go and it's ok. I'm not saying you have a deeper routed problem than the sleep thing but I know for me, I have been awake the entire night (worried I would snore or something) then a couple of months later....out for the count. I think it's to do with being relaxed around someone! I have a king size bed also - which helps!

LegacyUser

OP I think you'll find it's alot more common then people think. I know several couples who don't sleep the whole night together due various reasons but mostly different sleeping patterns or habits. My parents had separate bedrooms for most of their married life. My mum use to be on call at night and the constant phone calls at night and her getting up and coming back to bed were driving my dad mad so he moved into a different bedroom. When she cut back her hours and wasn't on call as much they had got use to having the extra space and found they just didn't want to bother moving everything back into one bedroom so they kept the separate rooms and I don't think them doing something like that means they love each other any more or less then the next couple.

I myself am a very heavy sleeper who, in the words of my OH, likes to sprawl and once asleep sleeps like the dead and cannot be woken up. I keep very odd hours, staying up working till 2, 3 in the morning, then reading or watching tv while he goes to bed at 10pm and needs his full night sleep or he would be super cranky so we have different bedrooms. We do make the effort for each other like he will stay up some nights when he doesn't have work the next day and I try and go to bed at the same time as him at least once a week [though usually after sex and he's alseep I get up and go back to my office ]

As your only going out with this girl a few months and I assume your both renting it's not really feasible to change beds or even mattresses and I understand how it can be difficult in a house share to have OH's crashing on sofas so her current plan might be the best solution for the short term. If you both feel the relationship is moving forward then think about buying a memory foam mattress or two single mattresses for one of your beds. It might not be an option if you don't have the room to store the existing mattress and your Landlord might not want to store it but can't hurt to ask, more and more people are bringing their mattresses with them to rented accommodation so it might be doable. If you do end up together for the long term it will be a good investment as you'll be able to take the mattress[es] with you if you move in together.

alibaba12

Hi op,

I have a similar problem except its my OH that's the fidget in his sleep and also tends to make a lot of noises lol. I am a light sleeper it take ages for me to fall asleep and can wake up at the drop of a hat! Whereas my OH can fall asleep in the blink of an eye and nothing wakes him, he gets the best nights sleep.

We're living together 4 years and its has taken its toll on me. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in ages and am constantly wrecked in work. So we decieded that he would sleep in the spare room when I have work the next day and when I have no work we sleep together. It works well for us.

I wouldn't dismiss the fact that your GF could be in a similar position. Where prolonged sleep deprevation can turn you into a narky zombie.

Maybe see it from her side, she is probably one of those ppl who need consistent proper uninteruppted sleep.

username123

Had the same problem with my husband, we would see each other once a week at first, then more often, then more often, til eventually we had a holiday together. I rarely got much sleep when he was in the bed. By the 4th night of the holiday I was so tired from being kept awake the first 3 nights that I would have slept through an earthquake. End of problem. Its just something you get used to.

Lorna123

It could be that she just likes her own space at this stage OP. I would find it strange if my OH didn't text me back within 20 mins. unless he was at some meeting or had his phone turned off. If she texts you back after 2 hours and you text back again immediately then why can't she text you back immediately, it is not like she doesn't see your text coming in. I actually find that a bit strange. It really makes me think all the more that she wants her space and doesn't want you taking over her life, not at the moment anyway.

strandroad

Lorna123 wrote: »

If she texts you back after 2 hours and you text back again immediately then why can't she text you back immediately, it is not like she doesn't see your text coming in.

Why not? I don't look at my phone all the time, especially not at work. It may be two or three hours before I check it. Some people are just not very attached to their phones.

SheFiend

People are very different when it comes to txtn. If a conversation is needed i think a phone call is more appropriate. I think txtn back and forth is very inefficient and annoying, such a waste of time. Maybe ring her when you want a chat?

Lorna123

Girlfriend Can't Sleep Beside me wrote: »

Interesting, but I don't think that's the case. We'd been sleeping together nearly a month before she brought it up. She'd been putting up with it, in the hopes that it'd get better. It was a big deal for her to bring it up. She's too kind for her own good sometimes!

We've talked it through quite a bit.

Her first boyfriend was when she lived with her parents, and wasn't allowed stay over at his.

Her second boyfriend was long distance, so they only stayed together once a month or so, where she'd just put up with the lack of sleep.

I'm her first boyfriend who she sees regularly, which is why it's become an issue.

When we're together she's extremely affectionate and loving.That being said, I do wonder if she is trying to keep an element of distance in general. She's a very independent person, and I know self sufficiency is hugely important to her in general, to the point where she's become a semi expert in DIY!

It's a trait I find very attractive. Particularly after breaking up with my last girlfriend partly for being too clingy. But she's never once asked for my advice or assistance with anything.

Another thing I've noticed is she has a habit of taking ages to respond to texts. I'll text her, she'll text back 2 hours later, I'll text back within a few minutes, I'll have to wait an hour for a response. This happens most of the time.

I might be reading too much into that one, cause I rarely see her answering texts from other people when we're together, and her texts are quite affectionate, with no hints of playing hot/cold etc. I just find it a little annoying, trying to have a conversation.

I am imagining that if she is in rented accommodation that the bed you are sharing with her is a single bed and in that case I suppose there isn't much room. You could just stay over on a weekend where neither of you have to be up early the next day.

As for the texting, some people cannot use mobile phones in work so that would be understandable if this applies to her. I would have an issue with someone who just received my text, replied after an hour or two and then didn't look at their phone again (providing they are not tied up in work or at some kind of meeting) knowing that you reply immediately. Then they see your message but decide to wait for an hour or two to reply.

She might feel at this stage that she doesn't want things progressing too quickly and wants to keep some distance.

All of this can be resolved by having a chat with her and compromising. Best of luck.

dannyc31

i agree with most of the responses. as you can see this is definitely more of an issue for people than they let on. once again its just one of those things that we dont talk about amoungst each other because everything is suppose to be perfect in a relationship

i know some couples who say the seperate mattress thing is great cause its like two single beds pushed together but you dont feel the moving around of the other person. i know another married couple who happily admit openly that they have seperate bedrooms. everyone is different, i guess its about compromise and time. i wouldnt get too hung up about this.

its clear she is also a very independent woman which is also a very attractive trait for me and i'd say most men. men often complain about not having their space with overly clingy women so i wouldnt knock this.

and as someone else replied regarding the texting thing. people can have very different texting habits. i once dated a girl who literally texted me first thing in the morning every morning at 9am even on a saturday and then all day long use to drive me mental. then there's others who might send 1 text a day. i even have a friend who just doesnt like texting and perfers a quick phone call instead. you could try this, just ring her for 5/10mins on her break and have a chat instead of texting her and wondering why you have'nt recieved a text 2 hours later.

texting is very convenient but i often think its one of the worse inventions for relationships as too many wrong things can be read into a text or lack of a text.