I'm Lonely and Feeling Blue

LegacyUser

I normally post registered on here but for this one I'm going unregistered, mainly because I don't want to attract too much attention, and also because I just need some impartial advice.

Despite being a relatively outgoing guy I'm a bit of a loner and don't tend to have any real friends, other then the woman with whom I live and am engaged too, and she can be quite the opposite to me in that she could have at least a circle of friends.

About 2 and a half years ago we made a move in relation to her job. At the time I didn't want to go but felt that if I loved her that much (which I did) I needed to move with her. Staying in my current location wasn't an option so it was either break up, and live somewhere else alone or lodging, or continue to live with her but leave the City and move to a different country.

After we moved I tried my best to find a job, and picked up a few bits and pieces (mostly temporary, seasonal and freelance work) and that's really where things have been ever since. Sadly, due to the fact that her earning power (and recent promotion) means she brings in about 80% of the houses total income, it is constantly the subject of arguments. We're meant to be getting married soon and then we have to think about the future, a family and moving into our own house (currently we rent), and where this will be done.

But these are the concerns of life, what frustrates and despresses me more then anything else is the lack of money coming in on my end, the feeling of imasculation because I can't contribute to my own household and the constant feeling that I'm living as her lodger as opposed to her partner.

Now, some will argue that I've not tried hard enough to get a job in my chosen field, or whatever field I believe I can get a well paid and full time job in. But I am adament that I have fought tooth and nail to try my hardest - only to get rejection after rejection (to rewrite my CVs a thousand times to suit an individual employer, to spend hours filling in an online application form just to get nothing in return) - the answers to this problem could be for me to leave, travel elsewhere or abroad, and find work there. Alone if necesscary. Alternatively I could try going back to college, applying for a grant, and retraining. Sadly, for financial reasons, neither of these options are open to me - I've not got the money to save to make move because I don't have enough hours/work.

I give some of my time to a Voluntary Organisation. I've been with them since moving and I can spend a lot of time in the building where they're based, sometimes 8 and 10 hour shifts...which I don't get paid for. Because she works away from the home and works during the business day I find myself bored and lonely at home...the voluntary organisation gives me some things to focus my mind on, but they don't provide me with a caring voice or someone to talk too....I didn't think I needed friends when I was younger, went to gigs alone and never cared about anyone elses opinion, but now it seems to have left me bitter, alone and unable to communicate with the one person in my life....

Financially, as a household, we manage - but the little extra's, like even a basic holiday for a weekend an hour down the road, are completely out of bounds. And when her friends mention nights out and she's watching the coppers, or their latest holidays and shes just smiling and nodding, I hear once again that it's my fault we can't go somewhere. This has even started to affect our relationship, some nights sleeping in seperate beds, and we've not had sex in the past six months....I know some people will say she's using sex as a weapon to punish me but with all these arguments and fights the excitement or lust is gone.

I feel depressed and miserable because I've nobody to talk to this about. If I could leave and go somewhere tomorrow, if I had ANY options in this regard...I'd consider them...but I truly don't have anyone, she is my only family (and her family don't think too highly of me right now)....I'm not a bad person, I want to contribute more to my household, I want a paying job, I want a holiday...and I don't want to feel like I'm dying inside every day....

HELP....

Ironmaiden11

You might be depressed?
Maybe go to couples counselling with accord. They are quite good.
I cant say much as I don't know u
Personally but it's possible you could be depressed.
Having some goal to focus on and take the focus off yourself could work.
G luck

Starokan

Life is pretty damn hard when you don't have money.

Its way worse when your in a relationship where you are being made to feel inadequate because of it

marriage is meant to be for better or worse, i think you are seeing exactly what life will be like for you every time there is a crisis or problem if you do get married

My advice would be to find a job anywhere you can and move to it, i would end the relationship and begin my life anew.

LegacyUser

You seem like such a nice guy. I'm sorry to hear you feel you can't talk to your partner, the person that you should feel you can talk to, about anything.
It's really awful and very unfair that she gives you a hard time about not having work, especially when you're trying so hard, from what you're saying. That is tough.

I think you should really talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel, when you are both calm. Tell her what you told us here. If she continues to throw it in your face in arguements, I would consider other options. If it means seperating, maybe then, you can go back to college.

Sounds like you've a lot of pressure put on yourself. Know that you're not alone and never give up. Your day will come. Things will improve for you. Believe it...

"If it's not working, change it".

HowItIs

Hi OP,

Sounds like a horrible situation to be stuck in. What struck me about your post is that you don't mention any support coming from your partner but you mention several instances where you're being villified or punished.

It sounds like you feel trapped in a situation where you have no real support and no-one to turn to.

To be blunt I think after 2 1/2 years you've clearly given a lot on your partners behalf and if that's not being reciprocated then maybe it's time to end it. Or maybe you guys need some counselling.

I'm focusing on the relationship with your partner because as I say you don't discuss any instances of support or encouragement from your partner which seems odd to me. I would assume a person's partner would also be their best friend and probably one of the first people they talk to when they have a problem.

Now maybe I'm mis-reading things, maybe your partner is supporting you emotionally in which case perhaps the problem is elsewhere.

However, after 2 1/2 years of you relocating for her, not being able to find steady work, not getting much support from her, (I'm sorry but lack of sex implies a serious problem in your relationship and the fact that you're sleeping in different rooms after an argument in a recurring pattern - neither of those bodes well to me), and in fact being made to feel like dirt by her friends and family. Honestly OP unless you reply to this thread and tell me that I'm completely wrong and your partner is wonderful and supportive then I think you need to make some hard decisions for your own benefit. Maybe you should move back home to find work or move elsewhere and if your aprtner can't deal with that or isn't willing to at least make the effort then maybe it's time to call that a day.

Again I'm focusing on your relationship with your partner because the problem you seem to have is that you have no-one to talk to and if the point of having a partner isn't that you can share your troubles with each other and thus make life a little more bearable for each other then wtf is the point?