How do I cope with this?! Loss and dilemma!

merlie

My ex boyfriend of 6 years died on the 6th of June. He had a girlfriend of 5 months who he was going to move in with ( so she says) ..I have been finding it really difficult to cope with, not only his death, but his girlfriend messaging me about him and everything they had planned. We are not teenagers we are all in our late 30's to late 40's or so.

I am and have always been in love with him, despite all the bad stuff, him moving on and having had 3 girlfriends and one so soon after he broke from me.
We did remain friends and I pretended to move on so he would have been ok and happy, despite it hurting me so badly.
He died unexpectedly and came as a great shock to me.

I have cried everyday and feel so angry and so hurt he is gone. I didnt go to the funeral for obvious reasons in that his girlfriend would have been there up in front with his family and relatives and I would have be a small blip at the back of the church. I love his family and have always gotten on with his parents like a house on fire! They still love me and his mum has rung me a good few times and twice after her sons death.

I feel very displaced! I dont know how to deal with his death, let alone this messages and contact from his girlfriend..I cannot handle any of it. She said words to me that just echo how I felt and feel about him.

I wrote a message in reply back to his girlfriend, ( I am not the one to hurt anyone and I was mindful about how she must be feeling and the same way as me ) so I wrote her a nice reply,This is what I wrote:

thank you for your messages and lovely words of X I know he touched many people's lives and continues to do so. I hope you are doing alright. It is all early days, fresh and raw! I too, am finding it hard to come to terms that he is gone, it has not been easy by no means. I am taking each day at a time, I guess it is the same for you. I am happy that he was surrounded by love and care before he left. But there are never goodbyes ...only see you laters! I hope you are ok. Take time out and look after yourself. Chat again soon. Lots of love xx


Then she replied back to me and it so hurt me, I cried. this was her reply to me:

'I hope you are right about the see you laters as I look forwards to the time we will meet again to carry on the fun and the good times from where we left off. We had such a good time together that I like to think that one day there will be more to come.'

I am trying to cope with his death but at the same time, I feel so hurt by her words to me. I had hoped we would get back together again. I had always lived in hope we would.

I have utterly no idea of what to do or think. I don't really know how to deal with it all.

Thank you all so much for reading this.
Lots of love to you all
Merlie

sheesh

I would avoid writing to his girlfriend again as it is just pouring salt in the wound. you obviously will need to talk to her at some stage so you will just have to try and be as nice about it as you can. His mother might be a better bet if you need to talk to someone about him or his friends also might be a good idea.

I hate to use the pop psychology phrase but maybe you need to feel validated in your grief. Your loss is valid and you are entitled to be grieving like his family and his friends. His months mind might be coming up soon and you could go to that contact his friends.

as to the message reply
The girlfriend probably hasn't copped that you were still in love with him and just assumed that you were someone sympathising with her loss not your own.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there,

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'll be honest - I think you need to look after No1 at this point and cut contact with the girlfriend - you cannot support yourself and be her support and your mental health is most important here.

If you are finding it difficult to express your grief you might consider going to a bereavement counsellor. There are also some dedicated support groups...http://www.suddendeath.org/ has some info and links you might find useful.

The only other advice I'd suggest is to give yourself time and plenty TLC. It's only been three weeks and feeling raw, emotional and in shock is completely normal - just look after yourself, surround yourself with friends and family and work through your grief in whatever way suits you best.

All the very best

merlie

Thank you for your replies. It has not been easy by any means and I know his girlfriend has been up to his parents house a couple of days ago and there is also a family bbq soon. I had written to his mum and step dad on Tuesday and they wrote to her on Wednesday but never sent any reply to me. His mum asked me to keep in contact with them since I was a part of her sons life. So I am doing.

I did mention to them, that I will be over to see them soon, and that I would let them know what date. I had sent a memorial card to my ex's address and asked them if they got it.

Right now I know I do need their repsonse to me, I know they too are in mourning, but I feel so very much alone in all of this, and it hurts so much. I know I am doing all the wrong things, but these things are on my page as soon as I sign in.

I am going to see a bereavement counsellor in under two weeks. It is difficult each day without him being around. I have crued every day. I still love him very much. So many things remind me of him. I just wish things were different.

Thank you so much for the replies. I appreciate it

Kind regards,

Merlie