From very different backgrounds - can it work?

LegacyUser

Curious if anyone else has experienced this.

I’m female, late 20s, from a very poor background, orphaned young, lived in care, probably had a very tough upbringing, but survived. Left altered by it all though, have social anxiety, not a good mixer, can’t seem to do small talk, not great with people in general – adore animals – and have no family whatsoever so very much alone in the world.

Met my wonderful bf over 3 years ago and everything changed. Plans to marry in next 2 years. His family weren’t too keen on me in the early days but have opened to me now. We’re both late 20s and everything perfect except for the following.

His family and friends like to throw multiple parties every weekend and continually pencil in dates in our calendar. I find this unbelievably draining and live in dread running up to the ones I can’t avoid.

We live nearly 2 hours away from where my bf grew up so for the past 6 weeks I’ve managed to lie and say I’m busy while my bf attended most of these alone. It’s not fair to him though, relationships are about compromise and he would happily grin and bear it for me. But as I have very few close friends, and no family, he’s never had to.

Our next 4 weekends are now ‘booked up’ with similar parties. This Saturday for example, there’s afternoon 'brunch' planned with one of his poshest aunts whose husband celebrates his 53rd birthday, followed by evening dining with his parents and other relations, the next day is a day long BBQ party with another aunt who is celebrating her 22nd wedding anniversary.
This would be fine for most people I’m sure, but these people are very different to me. They seem to only discuss yachting, sailing, cruises, their holiday homes in exotic countries, and golf courses. They would generally look down on people like me, though they’re careful about it to my face now (not so much in the beginning of our relationship though – it took my bf telling them to stop).

Given my background and lack of money, I’ve never experienced these things, and don’t really want to. I’m happy to have my beloved dogs and other pets and that’s where the small amount of money I earn goes. I just have nothing to talk to his family or friends about.

I’m not good with small talk but try my best, when that runs out though, I just feel I’m tagging along by my bf’s side for the whole night, out of my league, listening in. It ends up stressing me out and I dread the next party which is usually only hours away.

I could put up with doing this at Christmas, or a few times a year even but their entire lives revolve around celebrating minor events – not just major milestones.

Maybe this is all me, and my social anxiety and something I need to work on, or is this just a little too much for anyone [even very social people] to be expected to partake in? – just looking for opinions.

Do other people enjoy social occasions with in-laws? Do they feel comfortable at them?


On top of the social dread for me, it’s a continuous financial drain of having to buy a new dress (I never owned those kind of clothes in my life, I’m a casual jeans girl) and bring bottles of wine and other gifts. My bf is fantastic and insists on covering most of the expenses and tells me I’m not to feel obliged to attend any of these, but I’m sure they must be thinking we’ve broken up with how many events I’ve avoided recently and I feel the need to attend some of the next few weekends of events just to show I still exist. On top of that, they take it as a snub if you don't attend.

My bf is totally different from his family, he moved away and instead of living off inheritance he’s made his own career and got his own life without assistance from home.

I guess I fear by marrying into this family that I will no longer have an excuse to avoid their social events. I know when you marry, you are taking on the inlaws also, and it’s hard for me to comprehend, not having family. But I am very content with my life being about me, my bf and our pets. I fear that down the road our relationship can’t work given my inability to fit in.

Has anyone any experience of this?

dearg lady

I've had a pretty 'normal' upbringing, but I could not cope with that at all. I'm quite close to my immediate family, but even still we never feel the need to live in each others pockets. To me, it seems completely over the top. Just imagine you did have an equally busy family life...something would have to give, how could ye manage with one more than one busy family?!

It's good that your boyfriend is understanding, but I would feel he could miss some of the events. Perhaps in a very general way yis could divide the family events by 3, so some events both of you go to together, some he goes alone, and some neither of you go to. I wouldn't be happy with my boyfriend going off to family events EVERY weekend leaving me alone either.

It sounds like he's quite reasonable, so all you can do is bring it up and have a chat to him about it. I doubt he'll want to lose you over something like this, but you both need to compromise.

analucija

First stop feeling that you are anything less than them or that they are out of your league. I've been to quite a few parties like that and I always managed to find plenty to talk about even though I have no interest in golf, sailing or any intention to go on a cruise. I can imagine how that many events could be draining and I'm pretty sure you can skip some but I also think you should make an effort every so often. His parents warmed up to you and maybe you should give the others a chance too. You will never have your boyfriend/husband just for yourself.

Regardless of your background there is a very big chance you will have to attend family events. I'm very much middle middle class and so is my boyfriend but we'd still have to attend an event almost every weekend if more than half of them wouldn't be organized in another country. I don't want to sound harsh but unless you plan to be single and friendless you will have to make an effort every so often and even marrying somebody from a "lower" class will not make much of a difference. I must say though that celebrating 22nd anniversary of marriage is total overkill and I'm pretty sure you can skip some of the nonsense just saying that you have some previous engagement.

looksee

I sympathise, OP, it would drive me mad. But the first thing, as other people have pointed out, is that this is nothing to do with your background. I could cope with any level of society if obliged, but I really could not be bothered with that kind of posing.

They are just in a massive competition with each other. You do not have to play their games, but you might have to choose between the bf and your sanity. Do you really want to marry into that? If he cannot break free of these obligatory parties then you are at nothing and might as well make the break now.

If he buys into and enjoys this carry-on, you are not going to make a go of it. If he does not and goes under a sense of obligation, then he needs to get some cop-on and start leading his own life before you tie yourself to him.

A discussion is in order, get it sorted.:)

Danniboo

Chin up OP, you are worth every bit as much as these people. I can see why your bf loves you, you both are independent hard workers who have made your own way in life without the help of Bank of Daddy. He obviously admires this in you and loves that you are not pretentious and obnoxious like some of his family members. If you have a bit of social anxiety, why not try seeking a bit of help for it. If you don't want to attend every single excuse for a party, you don't have to. I'd say once a month is more than enough to attend a family party. You sound like a super girl and you should be proud of yourself, hats off xxx

ihsb

Well done you for doing so well! You sound lovely and so does your boyfriend!

I came from a hard upbringing (no where near yours though) and I struggle in the same situations.

I cannot imagine you having to go to more of these events when you get married, more then what you go to already. Maybe go to two events a month. Pick the two most important that month, accompany your boyfriend to them and then leave the rest. Also put a time restriction on them. Say to your boyfriend that three hours is the maximum that you can smile and nod and then you want to go.

He sounds so understanding that I think he will understand this and then his family will see you together (and hopefully you will not feel as much pressure because there won't be as many events).

LegacyUser

I can sympathize, somewhat. I come from a close (but loud) immmediate family, and my partner is quiet with an absolute dread of social situations. He has a tiny family and an even tinier social circle. And he likes it like that. And I like him as he is

My family have occasional get togethers - a few times a year and my partner hates them. Lots of talking and activity etc, nightmare for him. He hates small talk and is very uncomfortable with it (but I remind him that everyone hates small talk but one becomes less uncomfortable with practice - he has yet to test my theory, but it's only been 15 years, so still early days!).

Anyhow, as I know he hates them, it's ok with me if he skips them. So now when there is a get together, the default position is that he is not going. He goes the rare time, but most of the time he skips it (unless it's a really important event like wedding/funeral). I just tell my family he cant make it. At the start they were surprised/disappointed he was missing, but over the years they've accepted it as normal.

So to the OP I say, the critical thing is that you and your partner are on the same page and that he supports your decision to miss events. If it is really important to him, maybe have him identify the most important events that you could occasionally attend. After that, he can smooth it over, they're his family after all. I know my partner's family think I'm an odd-bod too. That's not unusual either and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

Just remember, upbringing is irrelevant, it doesn't matter what your family background, everyone thinks that their partner's family is odd!!

Rocket19

Hi,
are you sure they actually look down on you, OP? Or are you just afraid they do?

Decent people, no-matter their background, will not care much about your family/financial history, or whether your interests match theirs to a tee.
If anything (in your case) they should admire you for being strong and overcoming what sound like tough times.

If they do look down on you because you're not into the same things they are, they're clearly very insular and shockingly insecure. I find it very hard to believe that, thus far, the family have only ever associated with fellow boat owners. This just smacks of nouveau rich. If they try to make you feel small, OP, just remember that it's their issue, not yours. Why is it they would think they have something to prove? Or attempt to assert their 'dominace' over you? It's insecurity, pure and simple.

Also, keep in mind the possibility they're not really being rude, but are just clueless. Some people are very much NOT self aware. For example, my whole family is very into horse-riding, and my mother regularly bores people to tears talking about her horse, her 'adventures' riding, etc. She doesn't seem to notice that people (for the most-part) aren't in any way interested, but it's a fact that people love to talk about themselves!
Unless they really are being obnoxious, OP, just learn to just smile, nod, and laugh along. If they press you say "oh I've never been sailing, but it sounds amazing". You shouldn't have to deal with outright rudeness though, and if you are, it's up to your partner to have to strong words.

LegacyUser

I know how you feel. I'm a very quiet and shy person who has a small family where as my boyfriend is the most outgoing and friendly person there is. He has a huge family and I was extremely nervous about the big family functions, communions and weddings and the such. I also felt the pressure of buying nice new dresses to look immaculate as well to impress the future in-laws.

I learned that he couldn't really understand how much pressure these events put on me and that the paranoia about what his family thought about me was completely unfounded. It sounds like you're overthinking their reactions to you and more than likely they're interested in the person their relation cares about.

You should be flattered that he wants to introduce you to his family and involve you in these events. Like me, there's probably no way you can change how nervous you'll feel at these events. But if family is as important to your boyfriend as it is to mine, you'll have to try come to a compromise.

I don't think he should expect you to attend every 'brunch' his aunts organise as there really wouldn't be much common ground for you to work from. And try explain this to him and I'm sure he'll understand how it could be very awkard. It shouldn't be hard to come up with a reasonable excuse for the particularly dreaded meetings. Maybe try stick to the bigger and more meaningful events where he'd be expected to take a date and show you off! Enjoy them the best you can, and honestly, from experience the more time you spend with his family the easier and better you will feel in their company.

Rosy Posy

My OH's family are quite like this. We now live on the opposite side of the world and see them for an intense couple of weeks every few years but apart from that are left to our own devices. A drastic solution perhaps but it works. (this is NOT the reason we emigrated btw, just an added perk)

Beruthiel

This has nothing to do with your background, upbringing, size of family or how much money you have OP.

This Saturday for example, there’s afternoon 'brunch' planned with one of his poshest aunts whose husband celebrates his 53rd birthday, followed by evening dining with his parents and other relations, the next day is a day long BBQ party with another aunt who is celebrating her 22nd wedding anniversary.
This would be fine for most people I’m sure

Fine, for most people?
Erm, nope.
I would have zero interest spending my precious free time going to some doddery old aunts afternoon brunch/53rd wedding anniversary.
And I'd make no bones about telling my partner that either.
What an utter bore and what a chore it must be to plaster on a smile and make small talk for X amount of hours.
No ta.

I also believe it quite selfish for your partner to just think it perfectly OK to book up a full month of your weekends doing stuff like this.

Sit your partner down and tell him how exhausting it all is and how you would prefer to just go to the important stuff.
IE - weddings, funerals and new babies. (I'd specify that last one to immediate family, otherwise you'll be going to the 3rd cousins, trice removed, baby ceremony)

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to reply, some really kind comments, it felt like a weight lifted off me to see it's not just my social anxiety at play but that others would find this a bit too much also. I was very stressed about this when I posted but have calmed a little since.

A few points:

I have done a lot of therapy in the past for social anxiety, etc and I'm happy with where I'm at now so feel done with that chapter (hopefully!)

My bf is extremely close to his family so he does I guess enjoy these events somehwat, and because it's always been "the norm" to him, he doesn't realise that every family doesn't celebrate 22nd Wedding Anniversaries and stuff like that.

He hangs out with the men of the family more at these parties and they are easier to talk to, it's the women that have a tendency to look down on others. I've heard comments from two aunts about "those council estate types", roll-eyes remarks about 'townies' and stuff like that, I don't feel they're aimed at me, it's just the attitude they hold (this is definitely a combination of me being overly-sensitive and them being clueless) - it's hard to feel comfortable talking about my life knowing how they view things. Some of these ladies do seem to think they are above the rest of us mere mortals, I sometimes think of it as a bit like Mrs Bucket..

He has already compromised to me skipping several events so we do spend some weekends together and he's never forced me into going to any of these events, quite the opposite, making sure to let me know about the upcoming events which I am welcome to attend but making sure I know I don't have to go - it's just me feeling guilty about skipping the vast majority of them, I guess I have to bite the bullet and attend a certain amount of them. I don't want his family thinking badly of me for avoiding, I don't expect them to understand my issues with it for a second.

I would hope that if we have a family of our own down the road, we'd have a much better excuse for not making the trip regularly but that does worry me alright.

When we go to where he is from, we stay there for the weekend and automatically get booked into attending every event of that weekend (as there is nowhere else to go once we get there - isolated rural place), so it's not just one party but usually up to three. I could handle one, but the thought of one after the other is what has put me off going anywhere near his family for quite a while now.

looksee said "I really could not be bothered with that kind of posing" and that is quite a lot of it for me also, even if I got over the shyness and feeling awkward, I just find it hard work to stand around in high heels (totally not me!) smiling and nodding.

battsherlashes, I think you really hit the nail on the head. I don't want to keep going on and on about it to my bf, as it's virtually impossible for him to understand how I feel about this. I know I should be flattered that I get invited, as not everyone does. And I guess if I can just lock my paranoia away, and smile and nod, I should make it through the next few days of these events.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Beruthiel

harietttajane wrote: »

He has already compromised to me skipping several events so we do spend some weekends together and he's never forced me into going to any of these events, quite the opposite, making sure to let me know about the upcoming events which I am welcome to attend but making sure I know I don't have to go

Well he's being pretty good about it then.
Quit feeling guilty OP.
Only go when you really feel like it.
There is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
I'd rather spend 6 hours on the xbox than go to some old aunts birthday party.
I wouldn't feel any guilt either.
I'd most likely wave him off with a big grin on my face.