are we just friends?

LegacyUser

I have been with my OH for over two years and have had this question niggling at the back of my mind every now and then. How do you know if you have grown to be just really good friends with some one as opposed to being in love with them?

We never fight and do get on quite well but I don't get the skipped heartbeat, excitement before meeting, affection , lust etc.I am now starting to doubt physical attraction towards them. this person is one of the kindest people I have ever met but i just don't know if I'm in love.I cant decide how to handle this situation and worry about the consequences of my decision. this person has told me they love me but i haven't been able to return the words, i feel horrible....

What if I finish with this person and realize ive made a hugh mistake-it could be to late to reconcile things for various reasons . on the flip side what if I stay with this person and in years to come still feel the same way.how is that fair on either of us.

This has been something that has been crossing in and out of my mind for over a year now.Is it time to let go for the sake of long term happiness for us both.I'm terrified of ending up in a relationship that has no passion, chemistry, romance etc....

I suppose the real question is, how do you know if your in love or if your just friends.

Any feedback would be much appreciated

Thank you

Curry Addict

if its love, you just know....

_dublinlad_

Have you ever been in love with them?

I guess a good test would be to ask yourself what you would miss if you where never to see them again. If you would only miss talking to them from time to time and how well they treat you - then there is your answer, thats not love - thats friendship.

I think its very unfair on both of you, especially him if you remain in this loveless relationship. Let him go and find someone that loves him as much as he loves them.

Ellsbells

Well if you don't feel you love them after being with them for two years then you probably don't. I still have butterflies with my oh after 1.5 years. Maybe a break is what you need to clear your head

Piliger

Hi OP. My view would be that two years is too soon for this kind of thing to set in.

Too many of us are afraid to end relationships because we are afraid to start looking again. But we need to be stronger, especially in the first couple of years. As time goes on it will only get harder.

This may be a very good time to start afresh.

Jimbob 83

What's wrong with steady ?

Im sure there are loads of nice looking lads out there who could treat you like dirt and walk all over you, think of the drama and the wonderful bitching sessions with your gf's

Just providing an alternative view, gl with it

ihsb

You have been thinking this way for a year and you have only been together two years? You really need to re-think this relationship, I think a break would probably work.

nowyouresix

If after two years there is no passion, no chemistry, no romance, then seriously you have to reevaluate your situation, and longterm goals....

If you continue, then the likelihood of you straying later on is high, which would only cause heartbreak. Added to the fact that the longer you continue, the more likely you will be put in an ultimatum situation/pressure for full commitment. If you can't see yourself with this person longterm, then let them go, let them have a chance of finding someone who will ....

Go with your gut. My advice would be to call a halt to it.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

thank you for these replies.The thoughts of not having this person in my life or hurting them in any way really, really upsets me. I would miss many things about this person... but I cant stop these doubts resurfacing every so often.

I cant understand why this is happening-this person is so kind, we don't fight , completely trust each other etc-But I don't get the whole 'excitement' before seeing them or making plans for the future them.. is love really as it is portrayed in the movies?!

I don't want to find myself hurting this person in years to come if I still feel this way, they deserve happiness and love.And it will only be harder to leave then.

how will going on a break is going to make it clear to me whether I am in love or not?I am going to miss them enormously either way,And breaks can be the finishing of a relationship:-(

If I still feel this way in a few months down the line its something I will have to do, the last thing i want to do is hurt this person , i wish there was some way of knowing whether I'm actually *in* love as opposed to loving them as an extremely good friend....

lynsalot

You could be just stuck in a rut you know... Do u do anything exciting together? If love isn't nourished and the spark kept alight it can dwindle and cause this doubts quite easily. That being said, it doesn't necessarily mean it has to be the end.

I don't agree that it's early for this to set in either... there's numerous factors going on for both of you from ur past, in your present and where u see your future. What's lacking from the relationship? What do u want your partner to do that they're not doing. What kind of romantic gesture would get u going again? Is it something that's an impossible ask? With someone new what would be different? Ask yourself about other aspects of your life... are u bored in general? How's ur work life going? Are you satisfied with everything except the relationship? Do recognise what's bothering you and I'm sure you feel guilt having these feelings but don't deny them.

What are things like when you're on holiday together? Is the spark present then? When's the last time you felt connected to your partner and what was it that connected you?

When you've thought about all of these things and possibly narrowed down what's bothered you, speak to your partner and find out how they feel, explain the scenarios above and how it makes you feel. You never know, they might see the reasons you've explained. A conscious effort from both of you could rekindle what you once felt for your partner. It mightn't but after 2 years its worth trying rather than just walking away and letting fate decide if it was the right decision.

Btw there is such a thing as the 2 year itch... so make sure you know exactly what you want before you decide what you don't want.

Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

You mentioned that your partner says they love you but in 2 years, you haven't been able to say the same? Hasn't your partner picked up on this at all or enquired why you never say 'I love you too' in response?

Also, I think the fact that you refer to them in your posts as 'this person' as opposed to 'my boyfriend/my girlfriend' suggests that you're already trying to distance yourself emotionally from them -I think you owe them your honesty, you could begin by asking casually 'What do you think love feels like' and continue in a conversational way by mentioning that sometimes you feel like your relationship contains a lot of friendship-like love -which, by the way shouldn't be underestimated, the best relationships I've ever had are where I regarded my partner as my best friend -sparks are important but friendship is imperative

LegacyUser

Thank you for replies. The reason I'm saying 'this person' is because I'd rather stay unregistered foe this post:-)

Thank you lynsalot. Maybe it could be factors outside the relationship that are contributing to the way I am feeling at the moment, I'm pretty bored at the moment so maybe some time away together could make my feelings more clear if it is a case of being stuck in a rut

LegacyUser

I've been there and I wouldnt write off your feelings yet! I spoke to my girlfriends about how I was feeling and their reaction calmed me so much. basically- cop on, you need to reconnect sexually. Which sounds so weird but honestly, thats what it was. i kept changing between pills and my hormones were a bit messed up. So I bought a book on sex/ relationships and worked on reconnecting with my OH in the bedroom which brought back the intimacy our relationship was lacking.

We are the best of friends and I know I love him but I also doubted if I was 'in love with him' because the intimacy was lost. No matter how much you love the person, a long term relationship is work- like Lynsalot said, you have to work to keep the spark!

A lifelong relationship lasts because the person you're with is your best friend, not because they're the best sex you've ever had so you have a solid foundation to work on.

BraziliaNZ

have you ever been into having sex with him? If not, you should break up. Did you enjoy it more with other people in the past?