Should I come home?

LegacyUser

I know this problem might seem stupid but I'm just looking for some advice and to see what people think.
Basically I'm working as an au pair for a family in Spain until the end of July. The family are nice and the kid is grand, there's no issue there really. The problem is that I've been here a week and I'm really really lonely. I'm 19, have been on holiday abroad with friends before and I live away from home for college so I don't generally get homesick. I don't know if I'm being a baby but I really want to come home. There's no one my age in the area at all and I don't know how I'm supposed to make friends when I'm on my own and no one speaks English. I've been out on my own once to see the town and I got completely lost and was just so lonely on my own. I know it's pathetic but I'm scared to go off on my own again, they live in the suburbs so there's no where to walk to and the public transport where they live is really complicated and the people I'm living with themselves don't understand it. I spent most of the first couple of days just hanging around, chatting to the mam and playing with the daughter when I was free but I could tell the family felt like I was getting in their way so I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just genuinely so lonely.
I have money that I brought for spending here that would be enough to change my flight home but I know this is pathetic and I really hate to give up and quit like that. Just wondering what people think or has anyone any advice for how to settle into a new place like this, I know it's only a short time so I should put up with it but I don't know if I can.

Thanks in advance I'd really appreciate whatever you have to say, I know this post is pointlessly long.

P. Breathnach

Practical matters:
- are you there to learn Spanish or to improve a command of the language?
- have you told your host family anything about how you are feeling?

ABajaninCork

I agree with the above. But it's only been a week, and you'll be there until the end of July! You need to give it a fair go.

Have you got a phrasebook? Just go out for a walk, maybe coffee or a sandwich, and practice your new language. Nobody minds if you at least try.

Ask the family if they can explain the transport system to you. Then you can get out and about.

Stick at it and things will soon improve I am sure.

Good luck!:)

tbh

I travel a lot with work and I'm twice your age (jesus) nd I still get homesick. Try not to let yourself dwell on it, usually it passes after a week or two. Don't spend your time wondering what they are doing at home etc, tell yourself that this is your life for a little bit and try to enjoy it. The best, and usual result is that you're sad to leave but glad to go home. Trust me, you'll see.

I'd also advise going for a walk again, it'll help the place seem more familiar. Pro tip:have the address of your house written down and taxi fare to hand so you can jump in a taxi if you get lost.

Fizzlesque

I think you should give it a bit more time - things are often completely different further down the line than they appeared to be in the first week of a new experience. Especially considering you'll only be there till the end of July and the people you're working for, and the child you're minding aren't causing you problems. It probably feels like a long time till the end of July right now, but it will be over before you know it, even if you're currently feeling lost and alone and a bit bored.

Since you've been able to post here, you have access to the internet - is your internet access limited or do you have your own phone/laptop?

You could find a language site and learn a few words of Spanish each day and make it a challenge for yourself to use them. Is the child old enough to talk with you?

I know it's nerve-racking to be lost in a town/city/village you're new to, but if you get to know which bus takes you where, once you've done it once (and not got lost) you'll feel much more comfortable to do it again.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to stick it out for a bit longer (if not for the full month/six weeks) because the sense of achievement will be something you'll carry with you the next time you're embarking on a new and scary project/experience. I think you'll kick yourself for coming home early, once you're home a week or so.

Can you talk online or through Skype with your friends and family? Just to be able to tell someone who knows you (and cares about you) about your day and, also, any times you feel a bit lost and lonely.

Regarding the ways to settle - how much free time do you have? Are you free in the evenings, for example? I can understand why evenings might be a bit more difficult to fill while you're alone, but if it's during the day time you could focus on finding your way around first. Having a coffee, taking photos, visiting local beauty spots.

Not knowing the area, there's not much I can practically offer by way of advice, but I always like to walk around a new place just to get a feel for the place.

Sorry my words aren't terribly useful to you - but I'd definitely advise you to give it a bit longer.

Best of luck; I hope you find yourself a bit sad (in a good way) to leave when the end of July finally swings round.

Daisy M

I am sorry you are feeling so lost right now but I do think if you stick it out it will get better. Do you have a smart phone? If so you can download some apps to make things easier for you a english to spanish translation and a sat nav one. Ask your employer if they know anyone else with aupairs that they can introduce you to or maybe the company who employed you would be able to help.

Best of luck:)

savvyav

Hi,

Reading your post reminds me of being 19 and au-pairing, I felt the same way. I au-paired in South of France (which is not exactly known for its wonderful public transport) and felt really cut off for first few weeks, there was no young people around and I found the dialect of French they spoke to be difficult to understand. I was lucky in that the mother had been an au-pair too and she knew it was important that I found people my own age. So I would start by asking them if they know anyone around your age (or to ask their friends, colleagues, etc) in the area who would like to do a Spanish-English conversation exchange (I think its called intercambio in Spanish). Maybe ask them if they could put up a notice in village shop or post office for you?
You could also hit google and see if there's any sort of au-pair website in Spain and maybe meet people through that. If there's an Irish bar near you try heading in there for a drink some afternoon, English-speakers tend to congregate in those bars. If you're near a university, email the English dept and ask if they have any Erasmus students over. Oooh see if there's a Spanish Boards.ie??
As for the public transport....I feel your pain, I got horrifically lost in an awful part of Marseille and genuinely thought I wasn't going to make it back. It was terrifying but it didn't put me off. The girl who au-paired for the family before me sat in the house for 4 months cos she didn't want to go anywhere by herself, but I decided not to be like that (and I'm very shy). I went for wanders around Aix-en-Provence and Marseille by myself, and it was a bit lonely sometimes, but feck it, I'm glad I did it

Good luck!

Merkin

You really should stick it out and stay put. Homesickness can happen at any age but it is character building and giving up at the first hurdle after a few days is a bit defeatest. Life is made up of the experiences we have and you'll get more life experience out of your comfort zone than you would stuck at home doing the same thing day in day out. You are only there for a month more and if I were you I would use that time to learn as much Spanish as possible and cultivate an amazing tan so you look stunning when you return to rainy old Ireland in a month's time!! Turn this into a positive and you'll have a great time!

LegacyUser

No, definitely don't go home. First off, five weeks isn't very long - honestly it's too short to make in good friends. But you can certainly be a tourist in that time, and it will go a long way to making you feel confident on your next trip abroad.

Try again for the city. Buy a map.

Try a site like couchsurfing.com to see if there are locals who want to meet. Generally there are expats, as well as locals who are quite happy to practice their english and show someone around.

LegacyUser

Hiya,

I live in what could be considered country Spain, about 1.5 hours from Barcelona (where we both work) and see what you mean. We lived up here as it was close to where my wife was working at the time, and chose it on a compromise. it can be lonely, but very satisfying as well. I am the only non catalan in the village, but am welcomed in the bar like an old friend and we are seen as local.

The thing is, that takes time - but you can still enjoy your short time in Spain.

Public transport is pretty amazing, what ever province you are in, you'll be able to get to the capital pretty easily. Busses are cheap, trains are cheap. look on it as a challenge to understand the public transport system. A friend of mine was au-pairing in a suburb of Madrid ( a huge city) and thought the same about the confusion. One day, she took the bull by the horns and found she couls be in the centre of Madrid in 30 minutes. Google the local transportation company or metro system and work it out from there. check if there is a cercanias line ( like the dart in dublin, but cheaper and more reliable)

Finally, talk to the hosts and ask them directly the best way to get into the city, if the worst happens and you get lost, have the address, a map and a smile...spanish people are many things, one of them is that they are friendly and they will help you in any way they can.

LegacyUser

Hey, I'm in a similar situation to you, I know a few people but I do find the time dragging slightly...I'm just outside Madrid dont know about you? There are loads of au pair groups on facebook too, like this http://www.facebook.com/groups/aupairmadrid2012/ for example!

LegacyUser

Hi guys ,thanks for the advice, I was surprised how much better I actually felt just reading it tbh. I'm feeling a bit more hopeful that I'll be able to stick it out today than I had been, since it's exactly a month today that I'm going back. It's getting a little bit easier now that the days have more of a routine. I think I'm just not used to being alone at all, and feel uncomfortable in their house and it was all just getting on top of me. I went into town yesterday and didn't get lost so I think I'm going to try and do that everyday . The family told me not to go out today because it's 40 degrees, but I think if it's still so hot tomorrow I'm going to go anyway.

I'm here to teach the child English, (she's only 8 and doesn't speak any at all really) so I've lots of free time and am only with her from about 4 to 9 most days unless the mam has something on because she doesn't work and the little girl is in summer camp all day. There's nothing in the area within walking distance at all really and the family have just moved to the area themselves so they don't know too many people.

kjdnewcfn, I'm a little while outside Alicante , not sure how far we are from Madrid? How did you find that au pair group? I've been searching facebook and can't find anything in my area!

edeldonlon

The bus company that does to the cities is http://www.alsa.es you can change that into english.

In alicante there are loads of classes in spanish. They usually start every Monday in the private schools http:// http://www.languagecourse.net/schools-alicante.php3 this might be of use to you. Maybe you could arrange to attend one of the morning classes.

Best of Luck!

LegacyUser

Hi guys, me again.
Basically it's almost a week later, I've been following the advice here, going out everyday on my own, exploring, talked to some people on an au pair page on facebook and arranged to meet up with some of them this week, even looked into doing a language thing but it was just way too expensive.
I don't know if I'm just a massive baby or it's my attitude or what, but I still feel really homesick and like I want to come home. I go through phases (as in hours, like when I wrote the last post) of thinking I'm grand and will be able for it but then phases where I just feel like I can't stand it.
Today the mam of the family I'm staying with asked me if I was ok, and said I seem a bit down and if I wanted to leave she'd have no problem, basically saying I should leave if I'm not happy. I feel 20 times worse since she said this, like the pressure is on me to be super happy or I should just leave. I'd kinda been ok dealing with this and taking it day by day but now I just feel stressed out and don't know what I should do. Any more advice anyone? I know a lot of it has already been said just feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

Just stay and try to learn Spanish. I totally understand how it feels, I was in the same situation, only the mother was horrible. She kept telling me to go out and make friends even though I was only 19 and on my own like you and she was just generally mean and had no idea how difficult it is to go and live in another country on your own and look after someone else's kids. She kept boasting about how she went to the States with the kids on her own a few years earlier. Big difference between a 35 year old taking her kids on a flight to meet her husband who was already working there and a 19 year old on her own but she didn't get it!

I know this is a massive stereotype but one of the things I hate about Spain is people won't leave you alone and let you be yourself. I'm a bit introverted and take my time to settle into new situations. When I arrived, I was obviously a bit quiet and trying to take things in on the first day (massive culture shock and massive difference in temperature/weather) The mother just kept going on and on and on at me, asking what was wrong, as if I was a total weirdo for not chatting to all the neighbours and extended family she'd brought over to meet me. Anytime I spent time outside reading my book, she'd start going on about how I wouldn't learn Spanish like that and telling me to go down to the town and meet people there (as if a 19 year old girl is going to make friends with randomers in a foreign country). I would have been fine if she'd left me alone but by the time I left, I'd had to cultivate this fake personality to keep her happy.

It's a country where introverts/shy people are just seen as antipatico (horrible) and weird. No understanding of the fact you might just feel a bit uncomfortable and need a bit of time. Your host mother's comments reminded me of this. It's all in absolutes, 'oh you're not smiling all the time, so you MUST be miserable and you should probably just leave.' Of course you feel pressured. It's NORMAL to feel the way you do in this situation. Anyone would. Just accept that. Do your best to meet people and get out of the house - it seems daunting at first but do it bit by bit. And if you don't feel up to it, don't beat yourself up about sitting in with a book or Spanish TV (this did wonders for my Spanish). If the family make you feel like you're in the way like mine did, there must be a park or local cafe you can go to, walking or on the bus. I can't imagine a Spanish suburb where there really is nothing to do and nowhere to go.

Eve_Dublin

Hey OP. Don't know if I can do this but if you happen to be anywhere near Madrid, send me an PM and we can meet and I can show you around. I'm not working much at the moment and have lots of free time.

Edit: Sorry, just saw your near Alicante. That's a long way from Madrid but if you happen to be here for a weekend, the offer still stands.

LegacyUser

Aleena Wailing Victor wrote: »

I know this is a massive stereotype but one of the things I hate about Spain is people won't leave you alone and let you be yourself. I'm a bit introverted and take my time to settle into new situations. When I arrived, I was obviously a bit quiet and trying to take things in on the first day (massive culture shock and massive difference in temperature/weather) The mother just kept going on and on and on at me, asking what was wrong, as if I was a total weirdo for not chatting to all the neighbours and extended family she'd brought over to meet me. Anytime I spent time outside reading my book, she'd start going on about how I wouldn't learn Spanish like that and telling me to go down to the town and meet people there (as if a 19 year old girl is going to make friends with randomers in a foreign country). I would have been fine if she'd left me alone but by the time I left, I'd had to cultivate this fake personality to keep her happy.

It's a country where introverts/shy people are just seen as antipatico (horrible) and weird. No understanding of the fact you might just feel a bit uncomfortable and need a bit of time. Your host mother's comments reminded me of this. It's all in absolutes, 'oh you're not smiling all the time, so you MUST be miserable and you should probably just leave.' Of course you feel pressured. It's NORMAL to feel the way you do in this situation. Anyone would. Just accept that. Do your best to meet people and get out of the house - it seems daunting at first but do it bit by bit. And if you don't feel up to it, don't beat yourself up about sitting in with a book or Spanish TV (this did wonders for my Spanish). If the family make you feel like you're in the way like mine did, there must be a park or local cafe you can go to, walking or on the bus. I can't imagine a Spanish suburb where there really is nothing to do and nowhere to go.

It really must be a cultural thing because that's pretty much exactly what the mother said to me. She said I should just go down to the beach and chat to people and that maybe I just wasn't the type of person who could do this and i should go home..I wondered as well did she have some ulterior motive saying that I should go home, like maybe she doesn't think I'm good enough and doesn't know how else to get rid of me? I'm the same as you, I'm not really introverted but I'd be shy enough at the start of any new experience and especially because I am struggling here in general. It was stupid because I am homesick, but was planning to stay and it really knocked me for six when she said that even though she was nice about it.. I felt so attacked especially because she said she'd been making excuses for the fact that I was quiet since the first day but she really felt she had to say something. I definitely haven't been really quiet just not super outgoing chatting to loads of people or anything...

I'd just come back from the town when she said it as well and was feeling quite proud of myself for having coped so well with it so obviously she's literally expecting me to make loads of friends.

Eve that's such a lovely offer thank you so much I doubt I'll be heading up to Madrid , but I really do appreciate it anyway.

Taltos

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

.... send me an PM .....

Eve - please don't ask the OP or anyone else on this forum to PM you. This is a severe breach of our charter but we have it in place not just to protect the OP but to protect you too.

Thanks
Taltos