relationship advice please

reggie nail

Hi newbie here long time reader nwo Im hoping for advice.

Im living wit a guy 5 years hes non irish .
Last nite we were invited to go to a leaving party for an ex work colleague of his .although he is an ex colleague they see each other as do all his french friends from time to time and i get on well wit most of them.
A work colleague of the guy leaving made a collection for a present which my partner contributed to
Anyway we went along said our hellos and next thing my partner goes outside the door of the pub into the hall way for what i thought was a minute but it wasnt .
15 mins pass no sign of my partner ,some of his friends went out to him and i assumed they were signing a card or whatever,though as i said another guy organised all that .
The football started on the screen all the friends sat down to watch ,im left standing on my own like a fool ,my partner is still outside .no sign of him
ONE hour 5 mins pass and hes stil outside ,Im getting really annoyed now ,because he left me on my own and all the friends of HIS are all seated talking to each other ,
One friend of his comes over to me and asks me if i am angry at my partner outside I said yes obviously and shes said when she goes out she will tell him to come in,,He didnt
So I left .
I was so incensed at being left on my own and him outside chatting to those of his friends who stayed outside the door .
I didnt come home i was soo mad ,I stayed in a friends who i met on the way home .
I came in this morning and he has a go at ME !!!!
I told him he totally disrespected me by leaving me on my own for over an hour while he was outside ,,,
He said he had to get people to sign the card I told hi it wasnt up to him as another was organiseing it ,,He didnt agree he argued and argued and didnt see taht his actions were wrong and disrespectful to me ,,even a friend of his thought so and told him but apparently he said to her "he can go F off" ..
So now we are not talking at all he thinks nothing of leaving me on my own in the bar while he was outside .
Could i have gone outside and asked him to come in ? suppse i could have ,but that would have meant making a scene in front of the few friends thta were outside with him ..I felt he could have left the "card signing " to the organiser and be wit me in the bar ..
So now we are not talking and Im so angry at him disrespecting me and thinking nothing of it ,,,
I dont kno what to do ,,should i walk away for good ? since he just doesnt hear or want to hear me .
and before anyone thinks im a moaning minnie im not Ive put up wit a lot from hm over the years
At times i think he likes the idea of being in a realtionship but doesnt kno how to behave in one if that makes sense?
Any advice people because I feel like walking away
thanks

Irish Aris

well, do you love each other? Or your life together has just become a routine?

My opinion would be that if you love each other, you will find a way through this, and it will become another incident you'd laugh about in the future.
If not, maybe you (and I mean both of you) are looking for a way out.
Incidents like this can happen. You are amongst your partners friends/acquaintances that you don't know and you feel the odd man out. I wouldn't give it further thought TBH.
Now, if this is something that happens often (you mentioned that you've put up a lot. . .), you may want to consider (calmly, not in the heat of the moment), if you want to continue living with him. Regardless of that incident. Try to see the big picture.

Not sure if this is much of a useful opinion to you. In any case I hope things work out fine for you.

reggie nail

Irish Aris wrote: »

well, do you love each other? Or your life together has just become a routine?

My opinion would be that if you love each other, you will find a way through this, and it will become another incident you'd laugh about in the future.
If not, maybe you (and I mean both of you) are looking for a way out.
Incidents like this can happen. You are amongst your partners friends/acquaintances that you don't know and you feel the odd man out. I wouldn't give it further thought TBH.
Now, if this is something that happens often (you mentioned that you've put up a lot. . .), you may want to consider (calmly, not in the heat of the moment), if you want to continue living with him. Regardless of that incident. Try to see the big picture.

Not sure if this is much of a useful opinion to you. In any case I hope things work out fine for you.

thanks for your reply it was very nice of you to take time out to do so .do we love each other ? yes i think we do at least we tell each other we do but at the same time he drives me crazy (as im sure i do to him ) but he does speak down to me at times and makes me feel like sh*t
I have said to before to him and its like water off a ducks back,, he doesnt "get it".

Im not sure he know how to "behave " in a relationship as i said earlier when hes wit his friends he has to be the show man ,making them all laugh and whatever ,and at times I feel like im left out of the picture if u like .
What drove me mad about last nite was that he thought I was the fall guy and not him plus he said to his friend when she went to tell him i was on my own .."F" him!
We're not talking now ,he went to the airport this morning for a week away wit work and we didnt talk in the car up .He said "bye" I ignored him ,,yes i kno that was childish of me and rude ,,but he doesnt "get " how much he treated me like sh*t.

1ZRed

reggie nail wrote: »

thanks for your reply it was very nice of you to take time out to do so .do we love each other ? yes i think we do at least we tell each other we do but at the same time he drives me crazy (as im sure i do to him ) but he does speak down to me at times and makes me feel like sh*t
I have said to before to him and its like water off a ducks back,, he doesnt "get it".

Im not sure he know how to "behave " in a relationship as i said earlier when hes wit his friends he has to be the show man ,making them all laugh and whatever ,and at times I feel like im left out of the picture if u like .
What drove me mad about last nite was that he thought I was the fall guy and not him plus he said to his friend when she went to tell him i was on my own .."F" him!
We're not talking now ,he went to the airport this morning for a week away wit work and we didnt talk in the car up .He said "bye" I ignored him ,,yes i kno that was childish of me and rude ,,but he doesnt "get " how much he treated me like sh*t.

Well I think you still want to be with him but just want him to change. Why else would you post on here if you didn't want to keep your relationship if you get me.
But at the pace you both are going, it's all going to fall apart. Yeah, you're not happy but there's a time when you both have to meet on a common ground and deal with the issues in the relationship without being petty or childish as you said.
The last part just confused me a bit. You ignored him when he said good bye. Fair enough he didn't talk and there must of been some tension but that seemed petty to me. He's your boyfriend and he's going away for a week and you didn't even say good bye? You do realise he's going to have time to reflect on this and he could do something stupid because he might be pissed off and think the relationship is fcuked anyway.

Either decide you want to stay with him, call/text him at least and say you'll try and sort things out when he gets home and let you both cool off until then or realise that he won't change and cut your losses and leave.

Sorry to be so cut and dry about it but if you really want to be together, the opposite is going to happen at this rate.

reggie nail

1ZRed wrote: »

Well I think you still want to be with him but just want him to change. Why else would you post on here if you didn't want to keep your relationship if you get me.
But at the pace you both are going, it's all going to fall apart. Yeah, you're not happy but there's a time when you both have to meet on a common ground and deal with the issues in the relationship without being petty or childish as you said.
The last part just confused me a bit. You ignored him when he said good bye. Fair enough he didn't talk and there must of been some tension but that seemed petty to me. He's your boyfriend and he's going away for a week and you didn't even say good bye? You do realise he's going to have time to reflect on this and he could do something stupid because he might be pissed off and think the relationship is fcuked anyway.

Either decide you want to stay with him, call/text him at least and say you'll try and sort things out when he gets home and let you both cool off until then or realise that he won't change and cut your losses and leave.

Sorry to be so cut and dry about it but if you really want to be together, the opposite is going to happen at this rate.

Thanks for ur reply .Do I want him to change ,well yes I do in the sense of dont talk down to me ,dont speak of me like he did to a friend of his and to "get" that his actions are hurtful and disrespectful .
Yes i was petty on the car but to be honest i was sooo argry that he twisted the whole thing around and then told a friend of his "F**k him * (me),,That said it all really .
When we get on we get on and have a laugh but when we argue its awful I hate arguments at the best of times Im not able for them .But at the same time he cannot just treeat me like he does .Even know if i was to talk to him in a rational tone ,,he still wouldnt get it .
If I talk about things its like "yea yea " whatever " yea sure " ect in a sarcastic way and that makes me soo frustrated and angey ,Its like hes not listening to my concerns

1ZRed

reggie nail wrote: »

Thanks for ur reply .Do I want him to change ,well yes I do in the sense of dont talk down to me ,dont speak of me like he did to a friend of his and to "get" that his actions are hurtful and disrespectful .
Yes i was petty on the car but to be honest i was sooo argry that he twisted the whole thing around and then told a friend of his "F**k him * (me),,That said it all really .
When we get on we get on and have a laugh but when we argue its awful I hate arguments at the best of times Im not able for them .But at the same time he cannot just treeat me like he does .Even know if i was to talk to him in a rational tone ,,he still wouldnt get it .
If I talk about things its like "yea yea " whatever " yea sure " ect in a sarcastic way and that makes me soo frustrated and angey ,Its like hes not listening to my concerns

Get out of the relationship. If you have tried to talk to him about how he treats you and he's still being a dick then leave him. I know, I know. Easier said than done but if he acts this way and doesn't respect you then Fuck him. I think he does actually love you but he's taking you for granted big time. And if he's not changing why waste time on him if he doesn't show back respect or has much consideration for your feelings?

I still think you should text him and let him know you what to try to sort things out at last. Don't put either one of you at fault in the text to avoid anymore headaches for the mean time.
If you can go over the situation again and figure out you what to fix things then try again. If he still feels the same then forget about him.
If he really wants you, he won't let you go and he should cop on to himself and treat you as equal to him.

reggie nail

1ZRed wrote: »

Get out of the relationship. If you have tried to talk to him about how he treats you and he's still being a dick then leave him. I know, I know. Easier said than done but if he acts this way and doesn't respect you then Fuck him. I think he does actually love you but he's taking you for granted big time. And if he's not changing why waste time on him if he doesn't show back respect or has much consideration for your feelings?

I still think you should text him and let him know you what to try to sort things out at last. Don't put either one of you at fault in the text to avoid anymore headaches for the mean time.
If you can go over the situation again and figure out you what to fix things then try again. If he still feels the same then forget about him.
If he really wants you, he won't let you go and he should cop on to himself and treat you as equal to him.

Yes I Think you are right I think he is taking me for granted and anything I say just washes over him ..As for leaving him 5 yrs is a long time As I said I have put up wit a lot in the past few years and always always forgave /went back .
If i was to leave I wouldnt kno where to start again what to do ,where to go ect etc Im no spring chicken ,and most of my friends are in relationships and settled so we see less of each other ,
In the early days we use to have some terrible rows and id walk ,I did that twice and it made him really sit upand think Now if i did it it would be a case of "yea yea here we go again "...in other words it means f*** all to him .
Sorry for rambleing but Im still livid about last nite and this mornings argument

1ZRed

reggie nail wrote: »

Yes I Think you are right I think he is taking me for granted and anything I say just washes over him ..As for leaving him 5 yrs is a long time As I said I have put up wit a lot in the past few years and always always forgave /went back .
If i was to leave I wouldnt kno where to start again what to do ,where to go ect etc Im no spring chicken ,and most of my friends are in relationships and settled so we see less of each other ,
In the early days we use to have some terrible rows and id walk ,I did that twice and it made him really sit upand think Now if i did it it would be a case of "yea yea here we go again "...in other words it means f*** all to him .
Sorry for rambleing but Im still livid about last nite and this mornings argument

I don't know your age or anything about you but isn't the change better than living under someone and not being treated as well as you should. Yeah it's going to be hard to start again after 5 years but come on, you're gay! We can pick up and go a lot later than straight people can. You are not the only guy to get out of a long relationship to feel a bit lost so you're not alone. In fact, I think that's a normal response.
Think about it though, you could find a guy who's as good to you as you are to him but you're going to have less and less time to find him if you're with this guy.

Normally I would say to dump your boyfriend and do what you like for a while and see if he changes and realises what he had but you've done that before so it's lost it's effect. And the downside with this is that you're going to have him at the back of your head hoping things will change so you end up not moving forward.

You're not rambling you're just angry which means you shouldn't act on it until you cool down a bit. You have a week to make sense of things but I would advise texting him so it's not out of the blue and he has a chance to think about you and see how he's taking you for granted.
Don't mention walking out on him, just do it and don't look back if things can't be sorted out between you two.

toexpress

Have you actually tried talking to him without the AmDram?

I mean you could just explain that you were hurt by his actions and go from there but frankly it sounds as though you aggravated a bad situation with the full intentions of doing so. If that's the case then you have a choice, do you want to work to fix the problems in your relationship or are they to big to be fixed.

Dwn Wth Vwls

To be honest, from an outside perspective you both sound as bad as each other. You both expect the other person to change, but neither of you ever do.

When he disappeared for five minutes and you felt abandoned, that's when you should have done something about it. Either gone outside to hang out with him there, found some way to occupy yourself without him, or left peacefully. Instead you dug your heels in and started watching the clock, becoming more bitter as time went on, until you snapped. You're just making life more difficult for yourself doing that, and it's a stressful way to deal with things. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

In the five years, he has never really changed permanently I presume. He might get better for a while when you freak out about it, but ultimately it's just the way he is. I think you have to ask yourself if you're willing to accept him warts and all. You can't change him, you can only change how you deal with him and how you react to his behaviour.

If you can't accept him, or learn to cope with it in a new way, then you need to move on. It's not healthy that you feel so angry about this.

bikeman1

Hi Reggie Nail,

Ok, I'm speaking with the experience of a three year relationship with my bf, which has had it's fair share of ups and downs, but the ups far outweigh the downs.

What your bf did was not on, he should not have left you on your own like that. You should have popped out to see what was going on outside.

I have been in a similar situation with my friends at a party or function, leave my boyfriend for a few seconds and get side tracked talking to someone else and not realise the time go by. Usually when that happens my bf comes out to see where I've got to. But saying **** him is not on. Maybe he had a bad day or was stressed about something.

You should sit down and talk to him seriously, that you don't feel what happened was appropriate and he should apologise. You are both grown men, so sort it out without any drama.

You have been with each other for 5 years and know each other very well. He knows what buttons to press to annoy you, so always remember that. By him going yeah yeah blah blah, he knows that annoys you. So try not to get annoyed and make him hear your point out.

Alternatively, when your in bed, do what my bf did to me once to get his point across; grab his balls and say "If you every do that to me again, I'll f**king kill you"! It has an amazing way to focus the mind!!

I certainly wouldn't throw the towel in over it. Let things calm down and talk to him when he's back from work.

BM

reggie nail

Thanks for all the comments people .
Well I got a txt from him this morning saying asking if I was ok and he missed me even if I am still angry with him but I (me) was wrong to be angry as he did nothing wrong !!!
So basically he STILL desont get what he did was inappropriate and disrespectful ,
Im at a complete loss!

baby and crumble

Being brutally honest, OP, why was it up to him to have to come inside? Why couldn't you go outside to him in the pub? I honestly don't see that what he did was disrespectful, you're both grown ups and should be able to look after yourselves on a night out. Why did you need a girl to go out and tell him to come in, could you not do that yourself? I'd be annoyed if I were him. I get how you might be a bit annoyed he wandered off in the first place if you genuinely didn't know anyone else, but it's not his job to babysit you, either.

reggie nail

baby and crumble wrote: »

Being brutally honest, OP, why was it up to him to have to come inside? Why couldn't you go outside to him in the pub? I honestly don't see that what he did was disrespectful, you're both grown ups and should be able to look after yourselves on a night out. Why did you need a girl to go out and tell him to come in, could you not do that yourself? I'd be annoyed if I were him. I get how you might be a bit annoyed he wandered off in the first place if you genuinely didn't know anyone else, but it's not his job to babysit you, either.

Well it was he who waked outside and didnt bother his arse about me thats the point .It was rude ,I mean you wouldnt do it to a stranger leave them in a bar on theor own or a friend ,let alone your partner.
Yes I am a grown up and I can look after myself thanks I personally wouldnt just walk away and leave a partner on their own in a bar for over an hour.,would you ?
I didnt need a girl to go out she approached me and SHE went out I didnt ask her to .If I had gone outside myself be it after an hour or before it would have turned into a scene of some sorts and I wanted to avoid that .
And I was left with HIS friends who I wwouldnt call friends as such ,When the match started they all sat down beside each other and i was literally left standing like a tool on my own .So yes I did feel akward

Annasopra

reggie nail wrote: »

Well it was he who waked outside and didnt bother his arse about me thats the point .It was rude ,I mean you wouldnt do it to a stranger leave them in a bar on theor own or a friend ,let alone your partner.
Yes I am a grown up and I can look after myself thanks I personally wouldnt just walk away and leave a partner on their own in a bar for over an hour.,would you ?
I didnt need a girl to go out she approached me and SHE went out I didnt ask her to .If I had gone outside myself be it after an hour or before it would have turned into a scene of some sorts and I wanted to avoid that .
And I was left with HIS friends who I wwouldnt call friends as such ,When the match started they all sat down beside each other and i was literally left standing like a tool on my own .So yes I did feel akward

Why would there have been a scene if you went outside?

Beruthiel

reggie nail wrote: »

Well it was he who waked outside and didnt bother his arse about me thats the point .It was rude

Maybe it was rude.
However, when you meet up with a gang of people you can get distracted or just lost in the conversation.
Perhaps it was thoughtless of him not to come back in for you, but hardly the end of the world.
If my fella did what yours had done, I would have gotten up and just followed him out if I was uncomfortable sitting where I was.
The fact that you are so upset about this one incident would suggest you might be a tad on the sensitive side?
It might be thoughtless of him to behave as he did, but it's hardly something to finish a relationship over.

With regards to him talking down to you, how do you approach him when you are discussing it.

Do you say "you do x, y & z to me" (accusing)
or,
do you say "When you say x, y & z to me it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel like you actually don't care about me" (showing how his words effect)

If you are both together five years then you care for each other.
I believe you should both have a calm, frank discussion on what you both want from the relationship and whither you care enough for each other to improve how you both communicate.
Long term relationship of any kind require constant work.
Otherwise, you take each other for granted.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I think your overreacting; now overanalysing the situation, He didn't do anything wrong really?. He hung out with friends outside to help get the card signed and your going crazy about him helping out. You didn't say how old you were, are you young?. Its impossible to find date a bi/gay guy for more than a few months, the mostly cheat. if you been with him for 5 yrs that must mean something compared to most gay relationships.

You're a drama queen.

1ZRed

JIOO wrote: »

I think your overreacting; now overanalysing the situation, He didn't do anything wrong really?. He hung out with friends outside to help get the card signed and your going crazy about him helping out. You didn't say how old you were, are you young?. Its impossible to find date a bi/gay guy for more than a few months, the mostly cheat. if you been with him for 5 yrs that must mean something compared to most gay relationships.

You're a drama queen.

Not all guys cheat! I have never cheated nor would I or like to.
Maybe that's your experience but no guy or girl has cheated on me. If I ever felt I wanted to be with someone else I would break up with them then and there. I probably wouldn't be that harsh and move on that quickly though. Thats not me.

I might be a bit of a dick sometimes but no way would I do that to someone!
Gay/bi men might have a rep for cheating but not all guys are actually like that.

baby and crumble

^^ Agreed. It's not ok to make sweeping statements like that about any group of people.