How to deal with 8yr old daughter excluded from playdate?

pants20

Hi Ladies, I'd like to get some advice please on how to deal with my daughters exclusion from a playdate. On fri (yesterday) my neighbour, whose daughter is in the same class as my daughter organised a playdate at her house. She did not invite my daughter. There are 13 girls in the class and as far as I know they were all invited except my daugher. I'm guessing this is retaliation for me not inviting her daughter to my child's birthday the previous week. My daughter was having a joint birthday with a boy in her class at a party venue so we decided to have a limit on the number that each birthday child could invite. Anyway, in the end my daughter had 4 classmates plus her siblings. It was tough leaving out certain children as I actually thought there might be a fall out from it. Also, the reason why I didn't invite this girl is that she doesn't talk to my daughter in school and then sometimes she may call to our door looking for her when there is no one else around. It just feels like she is using my daughter. Anyway, as this woman's house is within clear view of my sitting room my daughter sat looking out the window at all the girls and wondering why she wasn't invited. It was horrible and I felt her pain. I just feel what that mother did is a form of bullying nad I'm not sure how I should handle it. Should I go to her house and confront her in a controllable manner? Or should I go to the school? I couldn't really give a fiddlers as to what that woman's feeling are towards me but to humiliate my daughter like that by singling her out and excluding her unforgiveable. What an example to give to your kids!!! Also, part of me blames myself for maybe getting it wrong with the whole party thing. Anyway, your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Lyn256

Thats a hard hard one to call. Your poor girl!
My kids are a bit younger and I'm trying to put myself in the other parents position and wonder why she wouldn;t invite your daughter.
Is it because they aren't close friends? Is it because her daughter knew about the party, was hurt and told her Mammy she didn;t want your daughter there?
My own daughter is only 4 and sometimes an older girl, 7, calls to play but at the moment-my daughter just doesn't want to play with her so I have to turn the other girl away. I really feel bad doing it but I don;t want to insist my daughter plays with a child she doesn't want to play with.
Not sure if that helps - maybe you can do something nice with her today to make her feel special!

Doom

What ever you do, don't get involved, it will have a negative effect, there is a parent in our estate who gets involved in all her daughters playground disagreements, her daughter quickly learned to say '"i'm telling my mom" now all the kids keep away for fear of the mom knocking on their door. Explain to your daughter that sometimes people just don't get invited, this will be old news to a 8yr old in a few days.
Or start having a couple of one on one play dates with this other kid to help improve their friendship.....take them both for ice-cream.

January

I don't think you should do anything at all. Explain to your daughter that not everyone gets invited everywhere all the time and get over it then. Are you going to confront the next mother that doesn't invite your daughter somewhere? This is all part of growing up and while it might hurt you to see your daughter upset you can't force anyone to include her. I'd have taken her away from the situation. Distracted her by playing with her, watching a movie with her or baking with her.

My eldest daughter is only 3 but sometimes the kids on the road knock in for her to play outside and the majority of the time I don't allow it because I'm too busy to supervise her but if I can supervise I'll let her out. She gets upset when I don't let her but I'll let her watch a movie with some popcorn to distract from not being out with her "friends" or she can come into the kitchen while I clean and play at the table with play doh or the water.

pants20

Hi Lyn256, they aren't close friends and yes I'm sure she may have been upset for not being invited to my daughters party. However, it should not have come as any great surprise to her that she wasn't invited as she doesn't even talk to my daughter in school. TBH, I think it bothered her mother more and then she orcastrated this playdate to intentionally exclude my daughter. You can't do that. Even if her daughter didn't want my my daughter there, the mother is the adult in the situation and should explain to her that its not ok to single one person out and exclude them. I know it sounds like double standards but from a financial point of view it's not feasible to invite ever child to a birthday party. Also, I know you can't make kids be friends with each other but a bit pf respect would be nice! You probably have it all ahead of you Lyn

kwalshe

I'd say it was heartbreaking to have your daughter see and deal with this.
If the motives behind not inviting her are what you said it is pretty bad form.
I think though Doom is right, I would leave it be as kids are very fickle, and this will be forgotten about soon enough.
A confrontation/chat with your neighbour no matter how easily you approach it will bring this to a whole new level that will not be easy to come back from if it taken the wrong way.
Maybe try to nuture the relationship she has with this girl , and if that does'nt work out well then at least you tried.

January

pants20, please read the charter, especially the part about text speak and using abbreviations such as DD. Thank you

pants20

Hi Doom and January, I don't plan on beating down every door when my daughter doesn't get invited to different things. I'm a realist and I know that this sort of thing is all part of growing up. The fact that is happened on our own doorstep is the most upsetting thing and there will probably more of this to come:(. Believe me I did my best to distract her at the time. We even left the house forpart of the aftern but it was impossible to protect her from all of it.

January

It will always be impossible to protect her from things like that. So she wasn't invited, it might seem like retaliation but if the child didn't want her there then the mother should not have forced it. My idea of hell is inviting someone I don't like/get along with somewhere, why wouldn't it be the same for children? You said as much yourself that they don't play in school and very rarely outside school, so what's the problem?

pants20

Oops sorry January.

chubchub

To be honest I'm not sure why you getting so annoyed or would call in a school. Firstly you say you had a party last wks and that next doors girl wasn't invited cause they aren't that good friends. Did it occur to you that it might equally have upset that child as much last week to have her classmates in a party and not her. Maybe that mother has cap on invites too or just feels your two daughters aren't friends. I personally whilst I understand your daughter is upset think the fault lies with yourself and that girl being excluded last week, you started the trend and sent a clear message last week. Sorry op.

Coriander

I'd leave well enough alone. I know it can be heartbreaking for a parent to see the effect such things have on their kids but kids have to learn to live with disappointment too and learn to shrug it off too. My kids are a bit older and I've always been glad that they learned that life sometimes sucks and that they can move on without it getting them down. It happens to all kids at one point or another.

maryk123

I agree with chubclub on this one.

you kind of started all this in a way by not inviting her to your party last week. yes there may have only been 4 invited but she is your next door neighbour and will always live longside you and even though the kids dont always play together they play sometimes and will be next door for the unforseeable.

I am sorry but I feel the blame lies with you and I think you would make an absolute show of yourself by confronting the mother. I would just say nothing and as another poster said try and patch this up by bringing the other child over and maybe taking them both for ice cream over the summer.

Doom

pants20 wrote: »

Hi Doom and January, I don't plan on beating down every door when my daughter doesn't get invited to different things. I'm a realist and I know that this sort of thing is all part of growing up. The fact that is happened on our own doorstep is the most upsetting thing and there will probably more of this to come:(. Believe me I did my best to distract her at the time. We even left the house forpart of the aftern but it was impossible to protect her from all of it.

Explain it to your daughter and move on, if she notices how upset you are she will absorb it all and this will not help, I have been in similar situations, I stood back and thinks worked out, other parents got too involved and are still trying to fix it months later, one even had to apologize for her over the top reactions.
Give your daughter the tools to deal with this now, it will pay off for ever.

lolli

I'm sorry but how can you consider this bullying? You didn't invite your neighbours daughter to you daughters party and she did the same. Does that mean you bullied her daughter by not inviting her? I don't think so.

You also state that you think all the other girls were there so you aren't even sure! If someone who is not good friends with my daughter did not invite my daughter to the birthday party why in Gods name would I invite them back after they chose to exclude my daughter?

You have no right to complain, you excluded her daughter, she excluded yours. They aren't even friends so why are you getting annoyed over this?

Mr.Wemmick

I don't understand.. if they're not really friends, don't talk to each other at school, why would you entertain the idea that she should be upset or that it's the girl's Mother's fault. You are making your daughter feel worse by not shrugging it off and should be dealing with the whole thing as an unfortunate but unimportant event.

The only thing that matters here is your daughter's feelings, her self-esteem.
I wouldn't have allowed her to sit watching the party which probably has made her feel so much worse. Be positively pro -active : take her out, make a fuss of her and help her to forget it has happened - move on.

If you don't, your daughter will never learn how to deal with any unfairness in life.

How Strange

I kind of agree with the posters who've said you started this by excluding the girl from the birthday party. Ok you've rationalised it by saying it was a joint party so you couldn't have invited everyone but she's also living across the road from you so how do you think that girl and her mother felt? How would you have reacted if they'd come banging on your door asking why their daughter wasn't invited to your party.

To be honest I think you're too involved in this whole thing. You've got strong opinions about the little girl and her motives as well as her mother.

This is part of life for kids and it's no different to 30 years ago when I was a 8year old. You can reassure your daughter that she's a lovely, kind and generous young girl etc etc but I think it's wrong for parents to get too heavily involved in the dynamics of young children's society. Quite possibly your daughter was being punished because she excluded this girl and a lot of other girls from her party but if you decide to have an exclusive party then expect that some children (and their parents) will be hurt. However I don't think it's bullying.

This is a storm in a teacup which will probably be sorted out amongst themselves by next Wednesday so leave them to it.

pants20

Hi all, God maybe I am the one to blame in all this which makes me sad. It was not my intention to create such a mess. To be honest How Strange I'm not involved in this at all but I've been putting maybe too much thought into it. Having read all of your posts I intend to rise above all this and learn from my own mistakes. I'm not an unreasonable person and I'm not in the habit of causing trouble with other people. Far from it. I probably made a bad judgement call here. What I will be doing though, will be having my daughter's classmates over during the summer and that little girl will be invited. Two wrongs done make a right. If they take me up on it so well and good. If not, I will have tried. No regrets. I have talked to my daughter about it and she seems to be moving passed it. She's a great kid:). Onwards and upwards....Thanks

How Strange

pants20 it's hard to be objective when it comes to our kids. I've had a couple of ocassions already at 17 months where mothers have ignored my little fella and I felt very protective of him.

pants20

You're right How strange! Our natural instinct is to protect them at whatever age, whatever the cost. It wont get any easier either I don't think. They are our children forever.

cars701

Hi Pants 20 - I can totally sympathize with you - I also have a neighbour who excluded my daughter from her grandaughter's party (my daughter is 5 and so is her grandaughter) - my neighbour looks after her grandchildren each day (3 of them aged 4, 5 and 7); I have always invited my neighbours grandchildren to any parties for my children in the past and have also had them over to play in the garden / house etc. I did approach her and said I was very upset that my daughter wasn't invited; her gushing reply was "oh, oh, oh it wasn't a big party sure we wouldn't exclude her from a party". I said "it doesn't matter now, it's over, but I had to say it to you".

The fallout has been that since then, my neighbour has been "odd" towards my family; making comments to my son (age 9), "aw, have you no one to play with today, ah that's terrible, where are all the kids gone" and said to my daughter "would you like a chocolate bar? My daughter said "no thank you" and she said "I have nicer ones than your Mammy, na na na na na" - this I overheard through an open window - it's so painful and very hard to deal with as a parent.

I have tried to get my daughter to play with other children on the road; but my daughter prefers the children next door; my neighbour has now started to invite my daughter's new friends into her house and saying to my daughter your friend was in here playing earlier and when my daughter asked "can I come in and play" my neighbour said back to her, very sweetly I might add, "aw sorry honey they're all going home in a few minutes" and they were still there a half hour later. I have also overheard her say to her grandchildren "you go on out and play - ssshhh quickly now before she sees you", obviously speaking about my daughter.

So maybe I just should have said nothing to her ! That would be my advice to you anyhow if you have repercussions and fallout like me.

Its' heartbreaking, I'm so upset and really can't do anything other than try and keep my daughter away and play with other children - I really can't explain to a 5 year old why someone is being so mean. I can't understand it myself ! Any helpful comments would be great.

Wantobe

Have an eight year old girl too- TBH I think you can't expect your daughter to be invited to everything when when you did the same. That's already done now, so it's what you do next that's important. If I were in your shoes I'd deliberately have some children over to play, 'movie night' or some sort of gathering and make sure to invite the girl next door- and make absolutely sure you don't say anything about her not being invited before! If you do that, you may well cause offense and you have to live next door. Just keep on inviting her to things- it will soon blow over. My rule of thumb on invitations is if I'm not sure whether someone should be invited or not- invite them anyway!

ash23

My daughter is 9 and I'm sorry OP but what you did (not inviting the other child) is the same as what she did (not inviting your child).
It happens, it's part of life.

You absolutely should not get involved in this. Just explain to your daughter that she won't be invited to every party.

I find as the kids get older the parties dwindle in numbers as they start to enjoy things like bowling and the cinema or slumber parties so they go from inviting all the kids in the class to inviting two or three.

All part of growing up and while it's not a nice lesson to learn, you've no cause for complaint unless you are willing to invite each and every child to your daughters parties.

Mr.Wemmick

cars701 wrote: »

Hi Pants 20 - I can totally sympathize with you - I also have a neighbour who excluded my daughter from her grandaughter's party (my daughter is 5 and so is her grandaughter) - my neighbour looks after her grandchildren each day (3 of them aged 4, 5 and 7); I have always invited my neighbours grandchildren to any parties for my children in the past and have also had them over to play in the garden / house etc. I did approach her and said I was very upset that my daughter wasn't invited; her gushing reply was "oh, oh, oh it wasn't a big party sure we wouldn't exclude her from a party". I said "it doesn't matter now, it's over, but I had to say it to you".

The fallout has been that since then, my neighbour has been "odd" towards my family; making comments to my son (age 9), "aw, have you no one to play with today, ah that's terrible, where are all the kids gone" and said to my daughter "would you like a chocolate bar? My daughter said "no thank you" and she said "I have nicer ones than your Mammy, na na na na na" - this I overheard through an open window - it's so painful and very hard to deal with as a parent.

I have tried to get my daughter to play with other children on the road; but my daughter prefers the children next door; my neighbour has now started to invite my daughter's new friends into her house and saying to my daughter your friend was in here playing earlier and when my daughter asked "can I come in and play" my neighbour said back to her, very sweetly I might add, "aw sorry honey they're all going home in a few minutes" and they were still there a half hour later. I have also overheard her say to her grandchildren "you go on out and play - ssshhh quickly now before she sees you", obviously speaking about my daughter.

So maybe I just should have said nothing to her ! That would be my advice to you anyhow if you have repercussions and fallout like me.

Its' heartbreaking, I'm so upset and really can't do anything other than try and keep my daughter away and play with other children - I really can't explain to a 5 year old why someone is being so mean. I can't understand it myself ! Any helpful comments would be great.

Don't carry the responsibility of your neighbour's horrendous behaviour onto yourself and your daughter. You need to toughen up and once you do, your daughter will too.

I don't mean to sound harsh, and I am sure you've been very hurt by her antics next door, but as soon as your neighbour sees you don't give a monkeys about what she says and does, she'll stop. You do not need to explain to your 5 year old why your neighbour is the way she is, you just have to tell her what she is: the woman is not nice, end of. You and she can accept the fact she's not at all nice, ignore her and move on.. your daughter will then easily be persuaded to find new friends, do new things - exciting new start for her.

I am a great believer in turning a horrible situation on its head and moving on.. We have had a relative who has been nasty to my kids and I - a lot harder to deal with, believe you me. I have dealt with it by being straight with my kids about said relative and now they are neither hung-up or upset about it, and we have moved on - this relative of ours is a miserable so and so and has since gone on to spread her misery elsewhere, meanwhile we're free from it

cars701

Thanks Mr. Wemmick; I'm trying to move on and deal with it in a grown up manner that won't have any repercussions on my children; but its very hard and very upsetting; I wish I could toughen up a bit more; my husband and brother keep telling me forget it - it's their problem not yours; I can't even tell my hubby and bro how upset I am because they are very protective over me and would "flip" with I'm sure more fallout from her nxt door onto my children. Anyhow, thanks for the reply much appreciated and it did make me feel a bit better.

Mr.Wemmick

Hang on in there Cars701! Many of us have been through it and come out the other end. It will get better and you will find a way to deal with it - it's just not nice when you're in the throws of it.

BTW, you would be better off encouraging your little girl to have new playmates: having kids that play together, being taught the same values/respect, makes for more enjoyable play dates. What are those poor girls next door learning from their Grandmother? How to be nasty. If you have heard her saying nasty things to your 5 year old, they have too.. doesn't bear thinking about really.

Hannibal Smith

OP, I don't think you started anything and to think like that is just petty and silly. You had to make a choice of who to invite to your daughter's birthday party, you presumably chose her closest friends. This girl isn't a close friend so wasn't invited. Simple.

You can't be expected to invite the whole class to a birthday party! Please don't tell me that's the done thing now or I'll have to start saving!

I'd love to know when this other playdate was organised, was it after it was known the girl wouldn't be invited to your child's party? If so that is ridiculous. Playdates and parties are two different things.

On the other hand, if the two girls don't get along that well is it hardly surprising that your daughter didn't get invited to the play date? The mother may have rationalised it the same way you did.

Either way, I wouldn't say anything. It's only one girl, just let it go.

Big Bag of Chips

It was probably a case of her daughter going home and saying such and such is having a party and only inviting A, B, C & D. She may have been upset by it, not because she's a close friend of your daughter, but because there was a party going on, and she wasn't invited.

So then, in order to ease her upset, the mother said... Sure we'll invite the rest of the girls over for a play some day and you can have your own party here.

Never get involved in kid's squabbles. The kids move on from them and become friends, much quicker than the adults do.

RH149

Kids parties can be a minefield- ~ You have to try and not get in to tit for tat behaviour which is what the kids do and be a 'grown up' about it. As bad as it feels now these things are forgotten about quickly so dont let the resentment show or simmer or you'll be showing your child the wrong way to react and behave.

gagiteebo

Correct me if I'm wrong OP but I think the problem was that she invited all the other kids from the class, your daughter being the only exception. You only invited 2 or 3 to your party so you weren't leaving just one person out. I think that's bad form to be honest, everyone but your daughter, but a life lesson for your daughter, albeit a hurtful one.

My advice is to just stay out of it, it will blow over quickly! A great idea about inviting girls over to your house during the summer