moving out

LegacyUser

Just want to get some stuff off my chest and get opinions on this i'm married to a polish girl four years and we have a three year old girl.My wife was staying at home looking after our wee one but naturally anxious to get back working as she was unable to find work she has started a course and her mum has come over to look after our little girl.I wanted to look at different avenues of childcare but the missus was really wanted her mum over to save money and make sure child was well looked after.Now ive always had issues with her mum she is a total control freak has to do all the cooking cleaning and everything.We now have polish tv constatly blaring in the kitchen.Its like im a guest in my own home everytime im in the kitchen she keeps asking what im looking for sweeps up around my feet it so bad that i try to avoid moving round the house to keep away from her. She completely takes over looking after our wee one that if im changing her or dressing her she would be nearly standing over me.Marches straight into my room the other morning and opens the curtains crazy no mather how much i tell the missus to tell her she cant come into the room she still does it. This is really effecting me our marraige is a complete mess.To make matters worse my wife has now told me that she and her mum have decied to make this a permanent fixture and her mum will stay on after the course when my wife gets work as her mum needs the money.I'm bleeding going crazy her mother seems to be more important than our marraige.
Anyway i think ive decided to move out and look for a separation i just cant life like this any more has anyone else ever gone through something like this.

P. Breathnach

Have you told your wife that the situation has brought you to the point of moving out? Does she realise just how intolerable you find the position?

You owe her the "It's her or me" conversation.

Lorna123

This is a terrible situation OP. I know, I lived with my mother in law for one and a half years after we got married and I nearly went out of my mind. She wasn't half as interfering as yours though but it nearly ended in divorce. This is most definitely not on. In the end my mother in law died suddenly and while I would never have wished her dead, it was such a relief. The worst thing is that my OH always sided with her. She even wanted to come on holidays with us until I put my foot down.

I don't think your wife should have made any decisions about her mother without having a discussion with you first. You need to talk to your wife and tell her that it is not what you want and if her mother doesn't move out that you will have no alternative but to go yourself. I can't see any other way out of this.

Taltos

Before you do anything or announce your decision to leave I suggest you seek legal advice around your child. The last thing you need is for some protracted custody battle especially if your wife decides to run off home to Poland.

At the same time try to organise some mediation or counselling - both of you deserve it to try to see this situation from both sides. Who knows maybe there is a middle ground and maybe she just needs some incentive to set the ground rules for her mum.

Either way - suggest you get that advice before you do anything else.

Piliger

Hi OP. Bloody ghastly situation. Totally unacceptable and a story that has been told many times over the decades unfortunately.

The only thing you haven't said is anything about discussions with your wife about this. And have you also fallen out of love altogether ?

If you have made your decision then (based on my legal experience with my divorce case) make sure you write down everything that has happened. Try to document dates when this started, and events along the way. Note friends who have witnessed the issue and events. Get things down in writing now before the crap hits the fan, and make sure any and ALL bank documents, salary documents and tax documents are secured to a safe place.
And Taltos is right about legal advice. May I say do NOT go to Citizens Advice centres for legal advice as I found them to be consistently inaccurate and naive. However difficult it is, get a private solicitor with family law experience.

LegacyUser

Ya I've discussed it with my wife but she can't see my side as well as her mother here her best friend stays over every weekend every where I go in the house there is some there.its effecting my relationship with my daughter as I'm constantly in s bad mood.they all say I'm so moody and angry is there any wonder I am.came in from the gym Fri last to be greeted by mother inlaw .asking me to be quiet my daughter is asleep in sitting room when I go into the kitchen the polish tv is going and I'm asked to take of my shoes I then go upstairs where I'm told to be quiet as my wife is asleep I actually cracked this is bloody crazy.yes I have fallen out of love with my wifevhow can u love someone that puts u through this hell.she tells me that her parents are down on there luck and need the money but don't mean to sound heartless but that is not my bloody problem.I'm so stressed I can't go into work I can't move in the house without being asked if I'm hungry or what im looking for .well that's it I'm ringing around tonight for a place to rent before I have a breakdown..and my marriage is finished people say counselling but I think my wife is so wrong that she is on a different planet.

Ickle Magoo

You say you've discussed it with her - but does she know you are at breaking point? That you aren't just grumping and unhappy, that the situation is completely intolerable?

I'd recommend getting legal advice before leaving the house and also ensuring you document clearly what has transpired and all efforts you have made to rectify...this will hold you in better stead in any future court hearing.

All the very best.

notsobusy

Do not leave without getting legal advice! I really feel for you but no matter how awful the situation is at the moment please don't leave. You never the what the reprecussions could be in relation to your daughter.

Have you told your wife you want to leave and are at breaking point?

strandroad

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

You say you've discussed it with her - but does she know you are at breaking point? That you aren't just grumping and unhappy, that the situation is completely intolerable?

I agree with that, I think that you may want to give this last attempt to show her how bad it really is and that you're on the verge of a breakdown and moving out. Her behaviour is not acceptable and however anxious she is to work and to support her parents, she needs to realise that she's ruining your marriage in the process.
I suggest that you write a letter on how it looks from your side to be treated like this every single day and give it to her to read on her own, I think that the point will carry across stronger than in a conversation when the two sides go into the accusation deflecting mode.
If it comes to the worst, the letter will also be a proof in how you tried to rectify this situation.

Also, what is your role in bringing up your daughter? Your wife may be overwhelmed with course work and bringing up the child at the same time so for her her mother is her safety net and she learnt to rely on her too much. Perhaps you can reclaim some of the childcare from the MIL to prove that she is not indispensable to your family and to show your wife that you can cope without her.

Piliger

OP - Efforts you make to discuss etc. with your wife will be major help when it comes to court actions and custody etc. You may not feel like it but the advice to write to her is a very good one even though it may seem at first glance ... weird. Do it.

Best of luck. I really sympathise.

LegacyUser

Ya I'm on talking terms with my missus its a crazy situation she keeps asking me why I'm so moody to her mother I'm really beginnning to think that there is something phsycologically wrong here when I talk to people about this issue they compare it to an intrusive Irish mother in law but man this doesn't compare this is totally off the scale I know I've had my problems but I would never put anyone nevermind my wife through this.to have her smile and say I may bring over my dad as well now when I say ill move out .going to get some legal advice but I will take care off my daughter financially no matter what it takes but I don't think they should all be staying in my house something I broke my back to provide for my family .

nowyouresix

OP: please don't do anything rash. Consider the most important person in this equation, your child. What do you want for your child?

I think it's a common cultural problem, even Polish people I know are driven demented by the Polish inlaws being in their faces.

You need to consider every pro and con very carefully before you decide to move out. Get proper legal advice.

Best of luck !!

strandroad

Not sure if it's a cultural problem, I am Polish myself and unless the OP is not telling us everything, his wife and her family look extremely unstable, rude and controlling to me. Sure there are issues with in-laws in any country, but to take over the house like that is unheard of stuff.

OP, it's good that you plan to contact your solicitor. I would advise to keep a journal with notes on what transpired and how you tried to communicate and reason with your wife, with her replies.

LegacyUser

I had it out with the mother inlaw today I said some nasty things well.that's my relationship gone with her for good I'm still v fond of my wife she is a good person but this is always going to be an issue between us
Probably time to leave it sometimes u can have a gut feeling about these things

LegacyUser

OP you have to put your foot down with your wife before you leave, i was in the same position as you, my boyfriend is polish we've a 2 year old girl and he insisted his parents come over to mind the baby "for a few weeks" when i went back to work as well as having another 2 friends he was helping out at the time stay in our house as well.
This turned into 6 months,i couldn't go in my own kitchen or outside the door without them all wanting to know where i was going & why i was going out of the house so late at night (9pm) it drove me insane.
sorry im not trying to take over your thread i'm just telling you because i pulled my OH on it and told him baby was going to creche and his parents were going home or else i was leaving with my daughter.
Ultimatums don't always work but if you've said all you can say then i think you have no choice... i really feel for you OP, there's nothing worse when you can't be comfortable in your own home, having to plaster a polite smile on your face only works for the first couple of days, it's no wonder you turned grumpy. anyone would!!

LegacyUser

This has been an issue between us for years I'm tired myself an my wife are on talking terms now if I stay any longer that wont be the case if her mum stays its impossible but if she goes home the missus will be crying and blaming me for everything i know now when enough is enough last few weeks have been hard but at least I know now what I need to do .also I will have a better relationship with my daughter when I'm not going around upset all the time

Moonbeam

Have a look at child are get all the info and provide it to your wife.
Thank their laws and tell them that you no longer require their services but are delighted that they did.

Elmidena

The mother could rent somewhere nearby if her being in the country is so vital to your wife, but you're your own family unit, and breaking that up to appease a different family unit is sickening. It's your house and you should not be kicked out of it, or forced to walk in order to stay sane! Tell your wife how disposable you feel and how this will just end up ruining your childs developmental years as the environment is ridiculous. You have to tiptoe but a tv can blare? Hogswash! Tell your wife with no room for misunderstanding that you feel driven mad and if your marriage has any hope of survival then you need to be parents yourselves and not children to her mother's whims. That can only work if you're both happy, and clearly you're not. Find out what your rights are concerning your child, and make sure that your wife running off home with them is not a possibility. Men are let down badly with family law in general, but see where you stand instead of just writing it off. Best of luck solving this problem