Should I stay or should I go?

ba

Hi, my girlfriend of over 3 years asked for a break in march. I knew things weren't perfect between us at the time but rather than talking about it she straight-up asked for a break. She was really upset & I was disappointed in her. She lives in Cork, I in Dublin, and for nearly 2 years we had been meeting every weekend and skyped every night. Her sisters and friends are all moving in with partners, getting married, buying houses etc. meanwhile we seemed to be trapped in the long-distance rut. She has a good job in public sector, and as I'm in the construction industry I clung to the job I had. Our respective careers are generally incestuous, like engineers dating engineers. I never paid attention to preconceptions, as we were immeasurably happy when together.
Following general consensus on this great forum I made no contact for 2 months. It was very hard, I made it as long as I could and we began texting. I met her recently and she was sorry for her behavior and neglecting to work it out with me. Anyways, I was prepared for the worst but she wanted to keep seeing me, and regretted making a haste decision back in march. Happy days, not quite...
We have met twice to date, and we text once a week. She says she is still confused now, and won't give me guarantees. I have been trying desperately to find a job down south in an effort to make things easier and to see her more as we progress. However yesterday she said that relocating may not necessarily improve things.
I love her very much and I want to do my best here, if I relocate and we part ways at least I tried to salvage our relationship. I do not want to lose her. I don't want to live with regrets either. After a few weeks and despite my best efforts I am starting to feel like a fool and that I'm being messed around. I am 26 years old and perhaps I should consider my options. Maybe if I told her I didn't want to see her anymore and I wanted to see other people (which would be a lie) she would make a decision. But it takes her ages to make up her mind...took her 2 months to decide if she wanted to keep the iPod I got her!
She wants to see me again this weekend and if there's no progress, part of me is tempted to break up with her because I don't think I deserve this limbo. As you can see I'm also confused. Would appreciate your help, cheers and thanks for reading.

Lorna123

I would definitely not relocate unless she was giving you a definite feeling that she would love you to do that and at the moment she is telling you it may not be the answer. All you can do is lay your cards on the table and if she doesn't respond the way you would like then she isn't as into you as you are into her. Asking you to wait for her to make up her mind is not on right now and if she does this then I would part from her until she knows her mind. Keeping in touch while this is going on will wreck your head. You can tell her that a six months break is in order here and then don't contact her for 6 months. At this stage she should know what she wants.

Taltos

OP - as much as you don't want to hear this I think the best thing you can do is sever all contact. It is clear she is enjoying the attention but does not want a relationship with you - otherwise why the mixed signals.

As hard as the two months were this might be harder - but in the long run making the break permanent and final is the only way to go.
Suggest you change your number or block hers and make it impossible for either one of you to reach out when you are feeling lonely or low and in need of a pick up to the cost of the other person.

Sorry
T

ba

Thanks guys. I have a few days to think this over, but your coments are very fair, and I think moving on may be what I need to do.

ba

So yesterday that is what i did. She thought maybe we could talk in the near future (1-2 months) or be friends and i felt it would be better if we didn't for at least 6 months (and there'd be no obligation to respond). not an easy decision, and as much as she thought it would be healthier to have a break, i don't feel healthy without her. tis gonna be a long road, thanks for your feedback.

Lorna123

You are doing the right thing OP. You cannot continue in limbo like this. You are giving the relationship a chance to recover by making this break. You will both have a better perspective in 6 months time. If she is prepared to let you go for 6 months then she isn't sure of how she feels. You only suggested this break because you didn't feel things were going well and you were right. Whatever will be will be OP and glad you had the courage to do the right thing, the best thing to give this relationship a chance. I hope it works out for you.

BraziliaNZ

ba wrote: »

So yesterday that is what i did. She thought maybe we could talk in the near future (1-2 months) or be friends and i felt it would be better if we didn't for at least 6 months (and there'd be no obligation to respond). not an easy decision, and as much as she thought it would be healthier to have a break, i don't feel healthy without her. tis gonna be a long road, thanks for your feedback.

You shouldn't be putting any timelines on anything though. Just move on, she is f*cking you around and has been for ages. People in long lasting healthy relationships don't take breaks like this and don't have the other party hanging on for dear life while they try and "be sure of their feelings".
Forget about talking to her in 6 months. What if you're feeling awful and missing her in 5 months time, which you probably will be, and you think oh well there's only another month until I can talk to her again? Your hopes will be pinned on that, then going with tradition she'll reject you again, and you'll be back to square one. This woman is not good for you, stop all contact forever.

LegacyUser

I don't believe in breaks. If the relationship is rocky and you cannot work it out I would say forget about it. Taking a break in my opinion is the coward way out. You are not a coward at all but when your gf wanted to take one she was doing so in hopes that maybe you would do the "dirty" work for her.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. Don't wait around for someone who is unsure about you.

Please move on and take some time for you to reflect about this. Be single for a while and get to know about you more and also help you decide the right relationship and kind of person you want to be with. You are young and sound extremely nice and considerate and you are worthy to find one that is the same.

Good luck!

ba

yeah you could be right brazilianz. gotta move on asap. deleted all messages, numbers, emails, unfriended her on FB... will try forget about the 6 months thing.

So, what happens now?

Lorna123

ba wrote: »

yeah you could be right brazilianz. gotta move on asap. deleted all messages, numbers, emails, unfriended her on FB... will try forget about the 6 months thing.

So, what happens now?

You just go out and enjoy life, make new friends and keep active. It will be hard at first, but time will get you over this, it always does. You will feel good because you made the right decision and this will keep you going. Dangling from a string can't be a nice feeling so you have to feel better now. Whatever will be will be OP and if this relationship is meant to work out it will. There is nothing more that you can do, except wait.
Time will be your friend from now on.