Choosing the right woman

imnotreg

I need some advice if possible. I went out with a woman for nearly 7 years. After it ended I more or less immediately entered into a relationship with a new woman. I have been in this relationship for almost 3 years. However, I often think about my previous girlfriend. Sometimes i feel guilty that I was disloyal to her by falling in love with another.

This previous girlfriend has often told me she would love if I was her boyfriend once again. I only see her occasionally and have never been able to tell her that I have moved on. While I do think of settling down with my current girlfriend I find it difficult to forget about my former love.

Fentdog84

Well you are where you are. It didnt all happen by accident. TBH, I think you need to forget about the previous woman. It seems there' a lot of water under the bridge as regards leaving her for someone else, so I doubt things could ever be the same there really. As for your current gf, you need to decide if she's really the one you want to be with, or if its time to move on. The signs cant be that great if you you are constantly thinking about someone else. A fresh start may be the best way forward.

imnotreg

Fentdog84 wrote: »

Well you are where you are. It didnt all happen by accident. TBH, I think you need to forget about the previous woman. It seems there' a lot of water under the bridge as regards leaving her for someone else, so I doubt things could ever be the same there really. As for your current gf, you need to decide if she's really the one you want to be with, or if its time to move on. The signs cant be that great if you you are constantly thinking about someone else. A fresh start may be the best way forward.

I remember the seven year relationship falling apart because I lost interest. We argued a lot as a result.

I know I should forget about her and I really do care about my current girlfriend. I know my choice is clear. I would not want to move on

Fentdog84

imnotreg wrote: »

I remember the seven year relationship falling apart because I lost interest. We argued a lot as a result.

I know I should forget about her and I really do care about my current girlfriend. I know my choice is clear. I would not want to move on

I know from being in a similiar situation before, you think about the good times and that things might still be able to work, but ye broke up for a reason and I think nine times out of ten in this situation you should just let it be and see if you can make things work out with your current gf. All the best

imnotreg

Fentdog84 wrote: »

I know from being in a similiar situation before, you think about the good times and that things might still be able to work, but ye broke up for a reason and I think nine times out of ten in this situation you should just let it be and see if you can make things work out with your current gf. All the best

I really appreciate your advice. Yes i have heard that before. Thank you for good wishes :-)

At this stage of my life I'm wondering if I'm afraid of commitment and perhaps that is the reason I tend to 'move on'

LegacyUser

If you find you love two women, choose the second, because if you really loved the first one, you would never have fallen for the second.

Good luck

Podgers

the thing about going from one relationship to another is that you never get time being yourself, and you end up comparing one to another.

when you stay single you get a flavor of whats out there, getting it out of your system so to speak.

imnotreg

Podgers wrote: »

the thing about going from one relationship to another is that you never get time being yourself, and you end up comparing one to another.

when you stay single you get a flavor of whats out there, getting it out of your system so to speak.

That is true. Not sure if I'm making comparisons. Seven years was a long time and I'm wondering could we have sorted out the problems instead of me jumping ship. In other words, was she the 'one'?

you will never get over your ex if you keep up the contact and pretence that you dont love someone else.

how can you move on when your listening to your ex saying she would love you to be her boyfriend?
and if she would love to be your girlfriend why doesnt she just come straight out and ask you to give it another go?
my opinion is that she likes having you there, hanging on, just in the background of her life, just in case in future she needs you. not fair.

you're a lot to blame here as well, does your current girl know all this? does she know how much contact you have with the ex? or the things she says to you?

why not tell your ex the next time you are talking to her that you are trying to give things a proper go with your new girl and you cant do that if she stays wrecking your head saying innapropriate things.

seven years is a long time but there was a reason you broke up, you actually dont owe her anything anymore. what do you want? to never be happy with anyone else because you went out with someone else for 7 years? crazy!

Lorna123

imnotreg wrote: »

That is true. Not sure if I'm making comparisons. Seven years was a long time and I'm wondering could we have sorted out the problems instead of me jumping ship. In other words, was she the 'one'?

You have a romantic notion of your previous g/f but even if you got back with her it would not be the same as it was. Nothing is ever the same years on.

G-Money

I haven't really been in this situation but I'd like to think if I was, I'd ask myself "what has changed that is going to make things work out better this time?"

I reckon you need to ask yourself that OP and be honest with yourself, even if you don't like the answer. As others have said, you finished for a reason and has anything changed that would make things work out differently this time?

Everyone tends to look back at the past and forget the bad times and remember the good.

imnotreg

bubblypop wrote: »

you will never get over your ex if you keep up the contact and pretence that you dont love someone else.

how can you move on when your listening to your ex saying she would love you to be her boyfriend?
and if she would love to be your girlfriend why doesnt she just come straight out and ask you to give it another go?
my opinion is that she likes having you there, hanging on, just in the background of her life, just in case in future she needs you. not fair.

you're a lot to blame here as well, does your current girl know all this? does she know how much contact you have with the ex? or the things she says to you?

why not tell your ex the next time you are talking to her that you are trying to give things a proper go with your new girl and you cant do that if she stays wrecking your head saying innapropriate things.

seven years is a long time but there was a reason you broke up, you actually dont owe her anything anymore. what do you want? to never be happy with anyone else because you went out with someone else for 7 years? crazy!

She has come straight out and asked me to give it another go, many times. She wants me in her future and has told me this.

Yes I know I'm a lot to blame. Have not discussed this with current g/f. My ex does not know she is being inappropriate because she thinks I'm single.

I don't feel it is a question of owing my ex anything. I'm just concerned that I feel very deeply for her. And perhaps that I've had these feelings on and off for the 3 years of my current relationship.

Thank you for your advice though. I do appreciate assistance in trying to sort this out for all concerned.

Lorna123

imnotreg wrote: »

She has come straight out and asked me to give it another go, many times. She wants me in her future and has told me this.

Yes I know I'm a lot to blame. Have not discussed this with current g/f. My ex does not know she is being inappropriate because she thinks I'm single.

I don't feel it is a question of owing my ex anything. I'm just concerned that I feel very deeply for her. And perhaps that I've had these feelings on and off for the 3 years of my current relationship.

Thank you for your advice though. I do appreciate assistance in trying to sort this out for all concerned.

What you could do OP is break up with your current g/f for 3 months and stay away from ex for same amount of time and see which woman you miss the most. :cool:

imnotreg

imnotreg wrote: »

She has come straight out and asked me to give it another go, many times. She wants me in her future and has told me this.

Yes I know I'm a lot to blame. Have not discussed this with current g/f. My ex does not know she is being inappropriate because she thinks I'm single.

I don't feel it is a question of owing my ex anything. I'm just concerned that I feel very deeply for her. And perhaps that I've had these feelings on and off for the 3 years of my current relationship.

Thank you for your advice though. I do appreciate assistance in trying to sort this out for all concerned.

so you are lying to your ex and to your current girlfriend?
start by being honest, tell your ex about your new girl, tell your girl how you feel about your ex.

then, if your new girl hasnt already left, i think you should break up with her.
as others have said, spend some time on your own.
who would you miss if they were gone from your life forever??
does your ex have a new man? maybe she doesnt tell you everything either.

you dont have the right to decide which of them you want to be with when they are both in the dark as to your true feelings.

do the right thing here op, be honest with them and yourself.

Piliger

Hi OP.

This is not an easy situation and I don't believe anyone anywhere can help you make the choice. Only you know if either of these girls are right for you.

However I would say a couple of things to you. Firstly there is absolutely no negativity or anything else that should stop you going back to your previous. Hell lots of people split and then get back and marry very very happily and people get divorced and remarry ! There is no 'life rule' about going back. What matters is who is the best for YOU and if the issues that caused the split have been dealt with and learned.

No one said life was easy and it may be that neither of these ladies is marriage material, just dating material. Don't jump into marriage.... you're still young. I jumped in and spent 20 years getting out :rolleyes:

if you want my gut instinct from what you have written above ... ? .... I don't think you are really in love with either of these girls enough to marry. Just my 2c.

Do not discuss this with your current. That is a road to disaster and in another thread this week we discovered the idiocy of excessive truth telling. Mind you I don't think you should let this go on much longer. Your current lady deserves to be enlightened soon if you intend to leave her. If you chose to stick, then it's all irrelevant and burdening her with this would only be a selfish thing to do.

imnotreg

diptab wrote: »

If you find you love two women, choose the second, because if you really loved the first one, you would never have fallen for the second.

Good luck

Thank you :-) I have read this before and it is good advice

imnotreg

Piliger wrote: »

Hi OP.

This is not an easy situation and I don't believe anyone anywhere can help you make the choice. Only you know if either of these girls are right for you.

However I would say a couple of things to you. Firstly there is absolutely no negativity or anything else that should stop you going back to your previous. Hell lots of people split and then get back and marry very very happily and people get divorced and remarry ! There is no 'life rule' about going back. What matters is who is the best for YOU and if the issues that caused the split have been dealt with and learned.

No one said life was easy and it may be that neither of these ladies is marriage material, just dating material. Don't jump into marriage.... you're still young. I jumped in and spent 20 years getting out :rolleyes:

if you want my gut instinct from what you have written above ... ? .... I don't think you are really in love with either of these girls enough to marry. Just my 2c.

Do not discuss this with your current. That is a road to disaster and in another thread this week we discovered the idiocy of excessive truth telling. Mind you I don't think you should let this go on much longer. Your current lady deserves to be enlightened soon if you intend to leave her. If you chose to stick, then it's all irrelevant and burdening her with this would only be a selfish thing to do.

I agree and I wonder why I'm finding it so difficult to work it out.

I think I tend to lose interest after a while. Not completely but it may be part of who I am no matter who I'm dating.

Both women would make wonderful wives as they are both wonderful in their own way. I worry I may never feel 'ready' to marry.

Piliger

imnotreg wrote: »

Both women would make wonderful wives as they are both wonderful in their own way. I worry I may never feel 'ready' to marry.

Or ... you just may not have met the right person. There is no guarantee we will meet them before are 30 or 35 Be patient. Don't rush into things and don't get frustrated.

imnotreg

Piliger wrote: »

Or ... you just may not have met the right person. There is no guarantee we will meet them before are 30 or 35 Be patient. Don't rush into things and don't get frustrated.

I'm over 35 and my current g/f needs to have a child soon if it is to happen at all . . .

I fell for my current g/f for many reasons. She is much more rational & intelligent. We get on extremely well and I admire her. I know deep down marriage to her has a much better chance of working out but it seems that sometimes my heart (& perhaps sentimentality) can't let go of my previous love.

Piliger

imnotreg wrote: »

I'm over 35 and my current g/f needs to have a child soon if it is to happen at all . . .

That falls in the DEFINITELY not a good reason to marry category ......

imnotreg

Piliger wrote: »

That falls in the DEFINITELY not a good reason to marry category ......

I am generally very sensible and that would not be the reason.