I don't fit in with other gay girls

LegacyUser

I'm in Dublin and I'm 18. I'm the only gay girl in my group of friends who are all straight girls. Not that thats necessarily a problem because they're lovely, but I don't seem to be able to talk to other gay girls and I'd really like some friends who know where I'm coming from! I am a very feminine looking person, its just how I am. As much as I might really like masculine clothes, I just feel like I can't pull them off and as well as that, clothes are a bit charged in my house and I'm pretty sure my parents would make life hard for me if I were to dress like that.
I kind of feel like this makes a lot of other lesbians see me as either straight (not a problem I can't solve by taking the initiative to go talk to people myself) or more importantly, very femme. Again, this is only a problem because I hate being treated as some sort of subordinate, weak person just because of how I look when my personality is in complete conflict with that. I just have no idea how to fix it or should I just not care?

LegacyUser

have you tried a short but feminine hairstyle to look less straight.Don't worry,I'm not saying get a mohawk,i'm talking more about a hairstyle thats short but still quite girly.Rihanna and sinead kennedy are perfect examples
http://www.hairstyleagain.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/19/short-hairstyle2.jpg
http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1775669495/twitter_pic.JPG

xsiborg

the way you're treated though newtoscene could have a lot more to do with other things than just the way you dress. i know some femme lesbians and they have no issue with speaking their mind and being treated with respect for their opinions. they too wouldn't be "on the scene" as there isn't much of a strictly gay scene down here in limerick. we'd go to regular bars and stuff, there's nothing down here like the gay clubs in dublin.

your clothes and your sexuality doesn't define you as a person, your personality does, and if you focus more on bringing that to the fore than just wanting to adjust to a stereotype to fit in, then people will see and respect you more as an individual and you wont feel that same need to be part of a clique. you have some amazing friends already, and maybe you could ask them would they like to go with you to a club some night where you could meet some girls who wouldnt have any pre-conceived notions about who you are as a person.

i honestly dont know how you'd deal with the situation at home, but from the sounds of it your parents seem fairly strict. tbh i wouldnt rock the boat until you are living independently, and then you'll have the freedom and all the time in the world to express yourself as freely as you want!

StillIncognito

know the feelin, most gay lads irritate the ****e outa me!

1ZRed

StillIncognito wrote: »

know the feelin, most gay lads irritate the ****e outa me!

I feel the same. All the guys I've been with were masculine and normal, not camp and feminine which I really hate. Sometimes when they won't leave me alone and they start to annoy me I feel like telling them they're supposed to be men so ****in act like it!
Thankfully more masculine guys far out number them.

I'll prob get into sh/t for saying this but that's just not what I'm into.

Pedant

I'm not camp, but I don't mind camp guys as long as they're cute and cuddly.

*exists thread*

Annasopra

The op isn't looking for gay mens opinions on camp men!

Ambersky

OP the first thing I would say is be yourself. If lesbians are suppose to be about anything its to be able to be yourself as a woman, looking whatever way you want to and being attracted to whoever you are attracted to, without having to fit into any heterosexual norms.
Slagging people for being butch or femme is just us doing the masters work taking the stick off them and beating each other up. Politically its called horizontal oppression.
Who cares if some people are femme and you are not, or butch and you are not, or camp but your straight acting.

Horizontal hostility: The result of people of targeted groups believing, acting on, or enforcing the dominant system of discrimination and oppression. Horizontal hostility can occur between members of the same group or between members of different, targeted groups

http://www.purchase.edu/Diversity/dictionary.aspx

Some thoughts on the Butch Femme issue. I think like the word Butch the word Femme can be used to describe a persons way of being no matter what they are wearing. It doesn't have to mean that femmes have to be weak thats just carrying over an extreme sexist view of women over into lesbian life and it is not how it is experienced anyway. Femmes are often strong just as heterosexual women are often strong. We know that from looking around at women in general anyway.
Sometimes femme is a way of dressing and someone can dress more femme one day than another and the next day she can play around with dressing a little more butch.
Also people can change they may look and appear butch growing up and then realizing they have the freedom to let their femme side out when they come out they let their inner femme blossom. Or visa versa someone appeared femme and was able to let their inner butch out.
All this probably sounds confusing.
Hetero normality is very restrictive with women and men in clearly defined roles. We dont have to copy all that and are free to explore and be creative.

It takes time however to find where you fit in in any group or gang. Again be yoursel,f even though you are probably really only finding yourself at this time just be true to who you are right now. Its ok to chop and change the way you look and experiment with what you feel comfortable with and its ok to stay the same.
Maybe even though the scene does cater for young women you could ring Dublin Lesbian Line http://www.dublinlesbianline.ie/index.html and talk to some of the women there about how you feel and get some advice from them on where to go etc. You might like to go along to a First Out Meeting where you could meet up with some women possibly in a similar situation to yourself.

There is a bit of a discussion on the term lipstick lesbian discussing femme lesbians and terms used to describe them, with pictures here.
Do read down to the comments at the end they are just as informative if not more so.
http://www.afterellen.com/blog/malinda/tv-alert-catch-those-lipstick-lesbians-on-we

baby and crumble

Op, when I was your age (many moons ago, sadly) I had no idea who I was. I didn't fit in with any lesbian group I could find, so I stopped looking. I used to feel stuck in the middle- too butch for femmes, too femme or butches. As I grew older, I realised that I was a bit of both. And also that it didn't matter a jot!

So much of the lesbian scene here (in my opinion) is concerned with the butch/femme dynamic. Too much. I personally put it down to insecurity. Everyone is on the defensive, and I can understand why. There is so much judgment passed by members of our own community about the way we act- "too camp", "looks a bit too masculine" etc. We are just as susceptible to the gendered roles that define society- that girls should wear dresses, be feminine and be looked after, and men should be manly, with deep voices and beards. The idea of the butch/femme dynamic that mimics the typical straight relationship is still prevalent.

Personally, to look at me you would probably pin me as a typical soft butch, and my partner as a stereotypical femme. Tbh nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I have a type that I find attractive, and she fits it perfectly: quite feminine in appearance, but with a totally ballsy attitude and no nonsense taken, which is not what you are describing as a femme... I have no problem with people finding or not finding certain things attractive- it'd be a very boring world if everyone fancied the exact same people for the exact same reasons. But a very real peeve of mine is people who are hurtful to people who deviate from what they want to see in the world.

Ok, that was a bit of a rant, sorry! All I can say is usually these types of attitudes you're facing surface most strongly from people newly out, fresh to the scene, and younger people. If I were you I'd just keep on being yourself however you want, and don't worry too much about having lesbian friends. I didn't, and I was perfectly happy and me the love of my life at 21. You never know who's around the next corner!

StillIncognito

mango salsa wrote: »

The op isn't looking for gay mens opinions on camp men!

Eh relevant no? :P

Lads, we know where we're not wanted (obviously )

Annasopra

StillIncognito wrote: »

Eh relevant no? :P

Lads, we know where we're not wanted (obviously )

I don't see the relevance!

StillIncognito

mango salsa wrote: »

I don't see the relevance!

not fitting in with other gay women?
I dont feel I fit in with other gay men.

Apart from the obvious common denominator that's all I have in common with any gay men I've met..

Annasopra

StillIncognito wrote: »

not fitting in with other gay women?
I dont feel I fit in with other gay men.

Apart from the obvious common denominator that's all I have in common with any gay men I've met..

I'm not trying to be smart or harsh or personal or unwelcoming or suggest you shouldn't post but I still don't think it's directly relevant to the op. The op wanted advice/discussion about women/lesbians/butch v femme etc etc. She didn't ask anything about men.