Scatty partner getting to me

LegacyUser

I'm going out with a guy about 7 months, He was very attentive for the first while. We live quite far apart and both of us are quite busy with work so finding time to see each other has been a problem.

What bothers me is that he's unreliable. This weekend we had made vague plans for him to come at stay with me (plans are never set in stone with him and I've been let down in the past when he doesn't follow through at the last minute with things we've talked about doing). He called yesterday evening to say he wouldn't make it here until Saturday evening. Im going away for work on Sunday afternoon and I'll be away for the next 3 weeks. I sometimes feel like an afterthought, or a chore he needs to find time for.

He can be lax with keeping in touch too. It wouldn't be unusual to wait days for a reply to a text message. At the start I would call him but got tired of only having him pick up about 50% of the time. He does call me sometimes but I don't really like that he can always reach me but it doesn't go both ways.

I know he's not married and would be very surprised if he was seeing someone else. I think he's genuinely very scatterbrained. Im not the most organised person myself but its annoying making all these loose plans around someone who may or may not actually stick with them.

I want to give the relationship a chance but Im aware that if he's like this at the start it will probably only get worse so is it possible to nip it in the bud?

Lorna123

gettingannoyed wrote: »

I'm going out with a guy about 7 months, He was very attentive for the first while. We live quite far apart and both of us are quite busy with work so finding time to see each other has been a problem.

What bothers me is that he's unreliable. This weekend we had made vague plans for him to come at stay with me (plans are never set in stone with him and I've been let down in the past when he doesn't follow through at the last minute with things we've talked about doing). He called yesterday evening to say he wouldn't make it here until Saturday evening. Im going away for work on Sunday afternoon and I'll be away for the next 3 weeks. I sometimes feel like an afterthought, or a chore he needs to find time for.

He can be lax with keeping in touch too. It wouldn't be unusual to wait days for a reply to a text message. At the start I would call him but got tired of only having him pick up about 50% of the time. He does call me sometimes but I don't really like that he can always reach me but it doesn't go both ways.

I know he's not married and would be very surprised if he was seeing someone else. I think he's genuinely very scatterbrained. Im not the most organised person myself but its annoying making all these loose plans around someone who may or may not actually stick with them.

I want to give the relationship a chance but Im aware that if he's like this at the start it will probably only get worse so is it possible to nip it in the bud?

If he was able to do initially then he is capable of doing the right thing. I don't like the sound of him not replying to texts for days. You have given the relationship a chance and you are not happy with him so it is time to tell him to shape up or ship out.

ElleEm

Fair play to you for putting up with it for seven months!

I would question whether or not he's as committed to the relationship as you are.
If you live far apart, and are both busy with work, you would think he at least would want to communicate with you via the phone.

It would p!ss me off rightly! You should lay it out for him and ask him if he is actually interested in being in a relationship with you at all. It seems very one sided from your part.

Piliger

Hi OP, I think this sounds very very dodgy to me. I think you are worth more than this too ... do you plan to put up with this for 7 more months ???

LegacyUser

You live far apart and don't get to see each other much. In some cases absence makes the heart grow fonder . In other cases it can be out of sight, out of mind. Might be time to draw a line on this one if he's not willing to make an effort.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback. Ive been around the block long enough to know you cant change a man (or woman Id imagine) he already knows I dont like it. I think I'll have a chat with him whenever I do see him (still no sign and not answering his phone) and let him know Im not willing to keep putting up with it.

LegacyUser

He's just not that into you.

My ex behaved exactly like this for 7 years of our relationship. It was always on his terms and I was always playing it carefully, not wanting to always be the first to text or ring, as I didn't like feeling like the clingy girlfriend type.

He got worse and worse as the years passed, and weirdly when we got together he was good at keeping in contact but that fizzled out, as did our plans for weekends away, etc. Suddenly I was an afterthought and almost an inconvenience that he eventually grew to resent.

I ended it eventually, should've ended it in the first year.

He very quickly moved on to a new girl who he told everyone he was "crazy about", and I learned through a mutual friend that he had finally changed his ways and was always available to see her, happily cancelling other commitments (drinking with the lads, that always came before us) to spend time with his girlfriend, always calling and texting her. He bumped into me one night out in town and told me how different his life as now that he had found true love, he apologised to me for how lousy a bf he had been and told me it took him finding true love to see how much work you have to put into it to keep it alive. Was quite the kick in the teeth..

He's married to her for a few years now, happily, and I'm now married also and am happy. Just wish I hadn't lost out on the chance to have children (too old now) because I wasted so many years with my ex..

My advice : get out now. If he's not bothered about you now, he certainly won't be in 5, 10, 20 years time..

Gweniver

I am was in a very similar situation. Had be seeing someone long distance ( 3 hours drive) for 7 months. He was all over me when I was with him saying the perfect thing, however I was never quite able to contact him easily.
He too only answered his phone 50% ( if even) of the time. Usually contact was through text, and sometimes too, I might not hear anything for a couple of days, yet he swore he was really into me every time i brought this up.
Well, in the end I highly suspected he was playing me and finished it. Lets face it, if someone is really into you, they respond to your calls, text you back and dont cancel dates at the last minute.
I reckon in your gut, you always know and should never overlook this. If something dosen't feel right, well then most likely it is NOT.
Hope you managed to finish with this loser!

Merkin

Scatty? No, you're being kind. Inattentive and fundamentally uncaring? Yes. You're only seven months in and he doesn't have the basic manners to reply to a text? He should be attentive and making you feel special and wanting to see you and spend time with you at every available opportunity. You're wasting your time hon.

Piliger

Hi OP - This man is doing absolutely nothing 'wrong', or 'bad'. He is simply unreliable and inattentive to your needs. For whatever reasons.

What that really means is that he is simply not that in to you. That's basically what it adds up to. And what you do with that is up to you. He is how he is, and you have to decide if that's ok in a partner.

daisybelle2008

gettingannoyed wrote: »

I know he's not married and would be very surprised if he was seeing someone else.

Hi OP,

I totally agree with the other posters that he just isn't that interested in the relationship. But the above sentence surprises me. I am surprised that you feel the need to clarify that at all. It's like you don't seem 100% sure that he isn't seeing someone else or that you have had doubts about it and have decided to rationalise that he isn't.
Have you been to his house, met his friends and family?
In any even, I would not be wasting another second on him, you seem to be on completely different wavelengths.