Boyfriend told me he fancied her

LegacyUser

Hi guys, I'll try and keep it short.
in a long term relationship, last night we were out for drinks, bumped into a mutual friend we both worked with years ago.
Boyfriend (usually quite shy and retiring) jumps out of his shell and is mister charmtastic.
I ask him at the end of the night if he had feelings for her (this is a question I've never asked him before about anybody) and he said yes, he's had a crush on her for years, but obviously would do nothing about it.
I am massively pissed off. He appears massively shocked and a fairly angry at my reaction.
I'm trying to explain that I understand crushes, I've had them on others during our relationship myself, we're not dead after all, I'm just pissed off he told me (Again I know I asked, but it kind of popped out in a flippant manner)
Now I'm comparing myself to this girl and finding myself lacking, I've taken a massive dent to my self confidence, and I pretty much feel awful.

Advice? Words of wisdom? Anyone?

ziedth

Ya he really should have known better. Look, you said it yourself Open there are people who you had a little crush on two and I'm sure you maybe have flirted with someone on a night out without it meaning anything. You know it can happen and it means nothing.

Write it off, tell him in the future to lie if you ask him that and forget it. Things like this shouldn't really be any more then a little tiff at the end of a night out don't turn it into more then it is.

_dublinlad_

That would really anger me aswell OP. There was no need for him to say that. Sure its perfectly normal to have a little fleeting crush from time to time... but saying he fancied her for years?.. little bit too far.

fungun

hum, crushes are ok, but to have had a crush for years on someone you worked with really suggests its more than a 'crush'. Id be a bit hurt if i were you too....Id be wondering how he would react if she was interested in him.
Is it a harmless crush where he wouldnt think of leaving you for her if she was interested....or is it more than that. Id find it hard to be with someone who has a realistic 'preferred partner'

event

fungun wrote: »

hum, crushes are ok, but to have had a crush for years on someone you worked with really suggests its more than a 'crush'. Id be a bit hurt if i were you too....Id be wondering how he would react if she was interested in him.
Is it a harmless crush where he wouldnt think of leaving you for her if she was interested....or is it more than that. Id find it hard to be with someone who has a realistic 'preferred partner'

Who said that?

The guy has a crush, big deal. you asked him, would you rather he lied?
I could imagine that if he lied and you found out that he did in fact fancy her you'd be upset he lied and would be asking us why did he lie if it was just a crush.

My advice? Forget about it

fungun

that was a question, if you read the start of the paragraph.

he's had a crush on her for years

imo crushes dont go on for years. Did he mean 'I had a crush on her years ago'. If so then thats fine. If not, then imo you dont have a crush on someone you work with for years and it mean absolutely nothing.

a fat guy

What the hell?

OP asked her boyfriend if he ever had feelings for her and he said he used to crush on her.

Was he supposed to lie to you and perk your interest even further? Obviously you knew something was off, otherwise you wouldn't have asked him that question. Lying to you would have made it much, much worse.

And he said that he used to crush on her. Used to. He doesn't anymore. Since he's been completely honest so far, why would you doubt him about this too?

I don't want to imply insults or anything, but I think the problem is OP lacks enough self-confidence to begin with, otherwise you wouldn't be so bothered by it. Chill out, he's not going to ditch a long-term relationship for someone he used to fancy.

Lorna123

Moanymoo wrote: »

Hi guys, I'll try and keep it short.
in a long term relationship, last night we were out for drinks, bumped into a mutual friend we both worked with years ago.
Boyfriend (usually quite shy and retiring) jumps out of his shell and is mister charmtastic.
I ask him at the end of the night if he had feelings for her (this is a question I've never asked him before about anybody) and he said yes, he's had a crush on her for years, but obviously would do nothing about it.
I am massively pissed off. He appears massively shocked and a fairly angry at my reaction.
I'm trying to explain that I understand crushes, I've had them on others during our relationship myself, we're not dead after all, I'm just pissed off he told me (Again I know I asked, but it kind of popped out in a flippant manner)
Now I'm comparing myself to this girl and finding myself lacking, I've taken a massive dent to my self confidence, and I pretty much feel awful.

Advice? Words of wisdom? Anyone?

He had a crush on her and still finds her attractive. No harm in that. He is not going to act on it, he is with you. There are lots of attractive men that you might fancy from time to time but you don't act on it either. We don't go around asking ourselves "if this or that attractive man was interested in me would I ditch my b/f". We don't entertain these thoughts when we are with someone. There will always be more attractive women around and who doesn't fancy an attractive woman ?

fungun

I ask him at the end of the night if he had feelings for her and he said yes, he's had a crush on her for years

i understand people have different opinions, and perhaps the OP means what you think she means, but the english in this sentence is present perfect tense: "he's had" = "he has had"; this is used to talk about action which started in the past and continues up to the present (i.e. as she has written he has said he still has feelings for her)

a fat guy

fungun wrote: »

i understand people have different opinions, and perhaps the OP means what you think she means, but the english in this sentence is present perfect tense: "he's had" = "he has had"; this is used to talk about action which started in the past and continues up to the present (i.e. as she has written he has said he still has feelings for her)

Which would make it much worse if he said that he didn't have feelings for her, since that would be a pretty huge lie. Thanks for the clarification though, I kinda just skimmed through the opening post.

Dave0301

Mountains out of molehills to be honest OP, yes he could have been slightly more tactful about it. But would you have preferred him to outright lie to your face?

Also this "I'm trying to explain that I understand crushes, I've had them on others during our relationship myself, we're not dead after all" To be fair everyone has crushes in a relationship or not which you admit to. The important thing is that you trust him to be true to you and respect you as your girlfriend, if you know he will do this, there shouldn't be a problem.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

There's little point in asking the question if you are not prepared to hear the answer. You asked him a difficult question and he gave you an honest answer - that should be celebrated within a relationship.

So, he has a crush - who doesn't? What if the places were reversed (which they most likely will be at some stage if your relationship goes the distance) and you have a crush...would you like him to be angry at you? I think you need to take a step back and look rationally at situation - you are the one he's with and he feels comfortable enough and thinks you are secure enough in your relationship to share that kind of info with you.

Maybe try looking at it as a positive reflection on you that he can share with you rather than a negative that he dare have a crush in the first place.

All the best you. :cool:

MistyCheese

OP, while there is some validity in the view "Well, you shouldn't have asked the question if you thought you might not like the answer" I don't agree with that in your case.

You asked the question because of how he acted around her. It sounds like he wasn't very discreet about his crush. Crushes are fine of course but if your boyfriend was dancing attendance around another woman that would be at least a little hurtful.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everybody who took the time to reply, each post makes a certain amount to sense to me.
I would like to clarify a few points made by various posters...
First of all, I have never felt insecure in my relationship, ever! That's not the way I roll, now however, for the first time, I find myself lacking confidence in myself. It's made me feel not quite good enough, which I know is crazy, as I've said I've had my crushes and will again, and that in no way makes my partner not quite good enough. But unfortunately I cant help feeling this way, for the moment at least.

Secondly, I realise that I was a fool to ask this, I knew somewhere in the recess of my mind that he had a soft spot for this girl and really shouldn't have brought it up. I KNOW for a fact that he would never do anything to hurt me. I trust him 100 percent, I was just hurt I suppose, and I'm a bit pissed off that he doesn't understand this. On the flipside yes, he was honest, which is a good thing.

We rarely see this girl, she comes to visit mutual friends in this area maybe twice a year, there is no contact between them other than this.

We all worked together about 7 years ago, my boyfriend at the time was married, I was in a relationship and so was she. She left the area, about a year later my relationship broke down, and in the meantime my boyfriends marriage ended (Completely unrelated) So I suppose I'm kind of letting my mind wonder if they had both been available at that time, would we be together now. Agh... You could send yourself insane.

Once again, thanks for the replys, It helps to trash it out here, because I don't think I should make a huge issue of it in the real world.

Piliger

A salutary lesson on why truth is vastly over rated in relationships when it coms to some topics. This is what happens when you say things that should always remain unspoken. I hope it is a learnt one.

IrishEyes19

I'm not sure I agree. The OP asked him. He answered honestly!!! Had she not asked the question and he randomly said it, it would be a mean thing to do and unfair. If you dont want to know, dont ask stuff like that. I'd be angry too if I were her bf, as I've a feeling the OP probably got really upset and reacted badly and he's there wondering why she asked in the first place. We all have first loves, crushes there ect. It doesnt mean you're going to break up and run to them

Sappa

It's your own fault op,you asked he told you.
He went home with you not her and maybe he thinks about her in an erotic way from time to time but he hasn't over stepped the mark,in fact I think you have by getting in a tizz over this non event.

P. Breathnach

OP, I think you know that you cut the rod with which you were to be beaten. Once you asked the question, he could either tell the truth which you don't like or tell a lie that you would probably see as a lie.

The real issue is whether his having a crush on another woman, even one held over a period of time, is harmful to your relationship. I think it isn't. Unless you make it so: be careful.

Scanlas The 2nd

Don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer or potential answers.