Depressed or Attention Seeking?

cooked

This is about a close friend of mine who is driving me mad, but is also worrying me at the same time. She had an emotional break down a few years ago and with the help of some medication and counselling she came through it. For the past couple of years she has been fine, although she is single and in her 30's and has been feeling upset about the fact that everyone else seems to be settled while she is still single.
In the last few months she has started saying things like she feels sad all the time and has taken an attitude that "the world is against her". Most of the time i try and rally her along or offer to talk it through or try and encourage her, but its now got to the stage where i feel she is just dumping emotionally loaded emails or texts on me about how awful she is feeling, yet when i try to advise her she refuses to accept it or do anything about it. I've said that maybe she should go back to the doctor if she feels herself slipping into a depression, or maybe go back to see her therapist for some further sessions. She says now that she doesnt want any help and that she just wants to be miserable and selfish for a long time, maybe forever (her words). the drama is just getting ridiculous now.

Anyway, the problem is, if i was being brutally honest i would tell her that i think that she is not actually depressed and that she is just being a little brat. She is very overweight and as a result i dont think she gets the male attention that she craves, she has a bad attitude - well if they dont like me the way i am they can get lost - and while that may be true, i think its hard for a lot of men to see past the first impression, we are only humans after all. Its like she has made a choice to be overweight and depressed and its easier for her to get attention by being down, than it is to actually do something about her weight and life. I've seen depression in my own family first hand, so i know what its like, and i just dont think this is depression. Sure she is sad, p*ssed off, feeling left behind, i know, i was single and lonely myself for many years, i know it can be hard.
Anyway, I dont know what to do, i feel like i should dish out some tough love, but at the same time, i feel so angry with her for constantly draining me that i just wonder why i should put myself through it. should i just stay out of it and let her live her life the way she wants.....

cocoshovel

She sounds extremely immature and angsty for her age. Id just ignore her constant whining and barely acknowlege it. If she's not willing to help herself or understand why she feels like that then there is probably a deeper problem.

shopaholic01

If she's unhappy with her life she is the only person with the power to make changes. Tell her that you are concerned for her but are not qualified to help.

humanji

Moved to Personal Issues

wylo

OP, it probably IS depression, ok , maybe not suicidal severe depression, but anyone that behaves like , especially at that age, is depressed to a degree. Put it this way, do you think she's in any way happy whatsoever?

But I know what you mean, its not the depression you associate as depression.

Listen, this aint your problem, I think some tough love is needed. She sounds very close minded and loves a bit of self pity. Self pity is very comforting.
But she cant be dragging you down with her. It really isnt your issue. Not that you stop being friends , or dont advise her. But just be more up front, give her options.

She should either 1. see a therapist, 2. get her act together, start exercising and eating well, or 3. Live in self pity, but if shes going to choose no.3 you must tell her that you cant be a part of that, because its unfair on you.

Podgers

That behaviour is emotionally draining for you and will bring you down, you seem to be getting fed up it and its hard not to.

People can become consumed by feeling down, and negative about life and personal experiences. It sounds like she is more or less doing it for attention seeking, a bit like Victim syndrome.

you have tried to guide her but she refuses to do anything about it. my advice is still be friends with her but ignore her negativity. you have became a way for her to express this negative emotion that she has, once she realises that she is not getting the attention she will change. you need to be firm with her because the longer you allow her the more she will pull you down. if she sends you an e-mail, ignore the negative bit and pretend you didn't read it or don't reply, do the same when she is talking to you.

I have suffered from depression and found it good to talk to people about it, but if your focusing on the negative all the time you don't change, we all know its up to us personally to change. yes bad things happen to us but we forgive and accept them and move on.

she needs to accept that she is single, and enjoy what she has. if she is not happy within herself she will never get what she wants. that Drama will only work for so long and no one wants it.

cooked

Thanks for the reponses guys, appreciate that.

@wylo: Yes totally agree, while she is having a down time, i dont think its depression in the clinical sense. You're right, i need to be more up front without making it into my own drama.
I have laid out the same options to her, but without the bit at the end which lets her know that i wont be attending the pity party anymore.
we've been friends since we were five, so hopefully she will realise that i am not abandoning her, but just stepping back.

@podgers: thanks for the advice, to be honest i have been using the ignore and distract tactic for quite a while. But this week she has made it pretty much unavoidable (she sent an email saying she was so down etc). I responded to the first email by suggesting she talk it out, go to doc etc. but she wrote back saying that she just really wanted to be alone and didnt want any help. (Why mention it if you dont want to talk about it?)
I havent contacted her since. I'm changing my behaviour, instead of pandering to her i am hoping my silent treatment might give her a jolt.

Silent treatment gives her a chance to wonder whats going on, and it also gives me a break.
i'm thinking if she comes to me in a few days then i will just be dead straight with her. jaysus, its so draining.
Thanks again guys.

littlefriend

cooked wrote: »

.
i'm thinking if she comes to me in a few days then i will just be dead straight with her. .

This is a good idea. A few years ago I got really depressed. It started with an injury that meant I had to leave my job and elevated from there. I was on very heavy medication for pain as well as depression. To cut a very long story short at some stage along the journey I kind of got comfortable in my misery. It wasn't intentional and its only now really that I can see it but what dragged me out of it was one of my friends calling a halt to me moaning to her all the time.

What happened was that I sent her an email complaining about how terrible my life was and she didn't reply. A couple of days later I text her to see had she received it and what did she think and she said she was sorry but she just wasn't going to repeat herself any longer and that if I wanted to continue on the path I was on though she would still be my friend she would no longer be listening to me making the same mistakes etc. I was angry and hurt but quite quickly realised she was right. I made a lot of changes and I can honestly say I'm 100% happier so she really did me a favour. I honestly don't know what would have happened to me if she said what she did.

Best of luck - you sound like a great friend, hopefully she will realise that when she snaps out of whatever she is in.

Taltos

Can I please remind everyone that no-one here is qualified to offer a diagnosis - doing so is against our charter and normally results in warnings etc.

Thanks all.
Taltos

cooked

@littlefriend
thanks for telling me your story, it gives me hope.
I just hope my friend will understand where i am coming from, I'm expecting her to hate me for a while, the truth hurts doesn't it. But hopefully she will come around in the end like you did. I'm really not looking forward to this conversation with her but i am at the end of my patience at this stage....
just wondering now whether i should say it to her direct or send her an email to let her digest it...
anyway, i'll figure it out. thanks again.

candyplanner

She is very lucky to have such a good friend who cares about her .... Say it to her directly