Coping with separation

WN4

Hello all,

Apologies in advance for the long post.. I am having such difficulty coming to terms with it all.

My wife & I separated eight months ago (November 2011) - she announced she was leaving after talking / arguing about it for many years. I was shocked by her announcement but didn't attempt to dissuade her. We were amicable & I gave her practical help & advice. It was extremely distressing for her when she left ( went to live in rented house as I am the primary carer of our teenage daughter)& she lost weight rapidly & was visibly unwell. Within the next few weeks she seemed to warm towards me & we arranged to have Christmas dinner together as a family. In February, we were in my house alone & she asked for a hug, which then led to sex. I felt guilty afterwards but she said it was fine as we were consenting adults.
The next day she rang me in an emotional state saying she couldn’t go to work & could I go round to her house. I spent the day talking with her & she mentioned going for marriage counselling, dating &, ultimately, reconciliation. I said it was emotionally driven & it would be premature but perhaps after she had had individual counselling.

We had sex on two more occasions & on the last occasion she told me she had had sex with another man in the early days of our separation whom she had met through work prior to our separation & who had become a friend and emotional support in her unhappy marriage. (This was the reason for her emotionally spiralling after we’d had sex on the first occasion) She thought I had done the same & was upset when I hadn’t. She said she had made a huge mistake, was so sorry & I deserved to know if we were to ever reconcile . The sex was unprotected & I asked her about STI’s and pregnancy. She said she never thought of either, doesn’t like condoms anyway & that she was under the care of her GP anyway. I couldn’t / can’t come to terms how she could be so reckless & irresponsible & expose me to risk.

I asked her to go for an STI test, which she refused stating it was unnecessary & I was overreacting, as he was the only other man she had been with apart from me & he wasn’t the type to have had many women. I asked her for all of the intimate details of the encounter over many discussions, which she fully disclosed.

Our sex life immediately became more passionate than it ever had been with her using techniques she had learned with the other man. Her sex with him was extremely passionate & happened twice in total (night & morning). I had such mixed feelings / emotions: intensely lonely, abandoned anxious and insecure. I felt like I was competing with him / repulsed by her being with someone else / wanting to satisfy her desire so she wouldn’t go back to him / thoroughly enjoyed the intensity of the intimacy.

My questions continued & she said it was reviving old feelings for him, which she had dealt with, & we would argue frequently.

I continued to ask her to go for an STI test, which she refused so I arranged to go for one myself. The tests were all negative & I continued to encourage her to go as infected women are usually symptom free but she still refused.

We continued to have sex, went out on a few dates & started marriage counselling. I made many self-improvements- personality traits, new wardrobe, giving her attention etc – and I felt increasingly closer to her but she wasn’t moving forward at all. She felt we could make it work at times but was scared of it reverting to how things used to be.

We decided to stop having sex on a couple of occasions as it was clouding the issues but then recommenced.

Over the two years prior to separating we were both in separate counselling with the same male counsellor. My wife ended her counselling shortly before we separated & immediately struck up a friendship with him & they were texting/ringing each other every day. I always considered this inappropriate especially when I found out about the other man she had been involved with. She said this was different as she wasn’t attracted to him.

We discussed stopping sex again a couple of weeks ago, to see how she really felt, as she hadn’t had chance to miss me as she was having the best of both worlds: independence & sex without commitment. We’ve been going to marriage guidance still but my wife isn’t even contemplating reconciliation.

She never formally ceased contact with the man she had sex with but assured me it was over. It’s now transpired that she has been in touch with the other man again recently in order to make sense of what happened between them & to dispel her feelings of being used as suggested by others and me. Nothing physical happened between them – they met for coffee - and they parted on good terms. I have had such a problem with them meeting and feel even more lonely, anxious & insecure.

My wife has told me I am too needy and smothering for her, which is pushing her away. She has also said that she doesn’t expect me to wait while she makes up her mind and suggested I date other women, even though she would probably be devastated if I met someone else but that would be her problem.

She is a kind, generous person who would do anything to help me but by turns is capable of such anger and abusive speech.

Now for my present state:

I really feel I cannot cope with my life any longer. I can’t sleep, focus on anything & don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I only want to talk people who are aware of the separation and who will offer empathy. I can’t face the future without my wife and find the thought of her being with any other man unbearable

I have very few close friends due to being the primary carer of my children and working alone on a self-employed basis for many years, although I’ve always been a loner anyway. I live in a small town and have few social outlets.

I don’t want any other woman than the mother of my children who I’ve known since childhood ( now in my forties) . I made many mistakes during my marriage and have rectified many of them & want to start afresh. I’ve read online guides on “ getting your wife back” but nothing seems to have worked. I can’t make her love me again and know that my neediness is driving her further away.

I wouldn’t have the confidence to date other women and, although I’m handsome and in good shape, cannot see what they would find attractive about my personality.

I’ve started hypnoanalysis and read self-improvement tips online but am struggling with day-to-day life, crying frequently and unable to get things done. I want to go back to college but don’t have the motivation or focus to see it through.

I don’t like medication but am reluctantly considering it now – my wife is going to my GP with me today.

Can anyone offer any advice on any of the above? Course of action, therapy, books etc? Sorry again for the rambling post.

blatantrereg

Your personality seems very good tbh. You seem to have a lot going for you. Your attachment to your wife is the only thing that would be an issue in meeting other women. Loyal, self-employed, looks after kids, takescare of your kids and your partner, responsible - most right-thinking women would want to snap you right up from the sound of things - if it wasn't for your attachment to your wife that is.

You feel crushed and horrible because your wife has still been using you as a source of support and accepting your care, while not returning anything at all, while being dismissive of reasonable concerns, while being unfaithful in the most upsetting manner. She is verbally abusive too. Anybody would feel crushed and horrible in that situation.

If you observed two strangers in that situation, you would clearly understand that her behaviour is irredeemable, and that the man needed to stop accepting such treatment, stop being there for her, and cut her out. You can't see this because your invested emotion makes the idea unthinkable. However it is her behavior that is unthinkable. Yet it has happened. The natural consequence is a genuine termination of your relationship. There has not yet been a genuine termination of your relationship - since she has contuinued to take emotional support from you, while doing nothing but crush you in return. If you do terminate it properly, you will be able to get better and move on.

Magicmatilda

Firstly the thing that struck me was that you were both seeing the same counsellor. Then you state that he and you wife struck up a friendship. As someone who works in this area I would consider this highly inappropriate and unethical. How could he have been unbiased with both if you? I would urge you to Contact the body with whom he is accredited and inform them of his behaviour. Counsellors should not have personal relationships of any sort with their clients. If he is not accredited then he may have no qualifications. There is no regulation in this area which is why it us so important to look for accreditation.

I think going to your GP is a good idea. He may give you the details of a qualified and accredited counsellor who can help you. He may aldosterone prescribe anti depressants which you may need. I know you do not want to be medicated but as part of a holistic approach with counselling (again with an accredited counsellor) it might be beneficial and does not have to mean for life.

I wish you all the best.