Work lust

blacklilly

Ok I'll try to keep this short.

There's a guy in work who I like but my friend also likes him.

So we had a work night out recently which was great fun. I was meant to leave early but this guy offered me to stay in his place, said there was a spare room. I accepted and the night went on.
So we managed to get into a residence bar,myself this guy and my female friend. She kept saying she was going home but still just sat there. he then said to her that she could stay in his place.
so off we go back to his place, as we go up the stairs she asks him where his room is, he tells her and next thing she jumps in his bed. he keeps telling her to get out etc but she stays put. So eventually he also gets into his bed.
I go into the spare room (wouldn't have gone into his room if she wasn't there anyway)

So the next morning he comes into me, asks me if I want breakfast. we're all in the kitchen chatting and laughing about the previous night.
I was the first to.leave as I had stuff to do. so he walks me to the door and gives me a hug and a kiss on the check.

So later on that day my female friend calls me, gushing about how hot this guy is etc. I jokingly tell her she was cheek for just hopping into his bed and she tells me disappointed that nothing happened. She says she is going to try get with him though.
So the next work day, he sends me an e-mail saying he had a great night and asked me if I did anything else for the week end etc, harmless conversation.

Do you think there's a chance he likes me?
also if he was into my friend,he probably would have a least tried to kiss her considering they were sharing a bed?

my friend knows I like him but she keeps bringing.him up in conversation as if to warn me off him and its beginning to annoy me.

LegacyUser

all's fair in love and war... if you like him, take a chance. maybe get talking to him outside of work and suggest meeting up at something lighthearted.

P. Breathnach

Neither of you owns him.

Your friend made her play, and seems not to have succeeded.

It's your turn now, and the prospects might be a bit better. Go for it.

stargazer 68

Hmm you see I wouldnt make a play for him - personally. There was nothing stopping him sleeping on the couch but he got into the bed with her! Nothing happened she says but as far as I would see it thats not really the point!

Katgurl

Dovies wrote: »

Hmm you see I wouldnt make a play for him - personally. There was nothing stopping him sleeping on the couch but he got into the bed with her! Nothing happened she says but as far as I would see it thats not really the point!

I totally disagree. It was HIS bed, she wouldn't get out of it. I'm actually impressed after a night out drinking & available girl throwing herself at him that he didn't end up being with her & then regret it later. He sounds like a nice bloke actually, having you both back there.

OP, he is obviously not into her. She gave him every opportunity and he didn't go for it. If she wants to continue to make a fool of herself, that's her funeral. Personally I'd be morto on behalf of any of my friends behaving like that.

You have told the other girl you like him, so its not as if she was confiding in you & you are being devious. Mail him back & arrange to go out on your own. After the date, tell your friend (she sounds more like a workmate than good friend - is this correct?), not before.

fungun

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Neither of you owns him.
Your friend made her play, and seems not to have succeeded.
It's your turn now, and the prospects might be a bit better. Go for it.

Agree with the above, but be prepared for your friend to be annoyed by it.

I used always be taken back by the 'i was the first to say it' mentality that people have when they like someone - as if they think that this precludes anyone else from liking the person.

From her actions in terms of not getting out of his bed, she sounds like the kind of drama queen that will see you seeing him as you stabbing her in the back, especially when she thinks she has a chance. If this bothers you, then maybe wait til it is obvious to her that she has crashed and burned

blacklilly

Its not about ownership but I guess I'm sick of being a wall flower and never.letting my feelings be known. If i like a guy that a friend likes I usually just keep quiet and stay away.
im allergic to drama.
I've known this girl a few years and would consider her a good friend.
I don't want to up set her but just don't want to be the quiet girl in the corner anymore.

I am a friend

Look he got into bed with her. Tbh if I fancied someone I would sleep on the sOfa for one night rather than sleep in a bed with her friend and give off the wrong message. Would be surprised if nothing happened...

blacklilly

I am a friend wrote: »

Look he got into bed with her. Tbh if I fancied someone I would sleep on the sOfa for one night rather than sleep in a bed with her friend and give off the wrong message. Would be surprised if nothing happened...

believe me this girl would have told me if something happened so im sure nothing did

P. Breathnach

blacklilly wrote: »

Its not about ownership but I guess I'm sick of being a wall flower and never.letting my feelings be known. If i like a guy that a friend likes I usually just keep quiet and stay away.
im allergic to drama.
I've known this girl a few years and would consider her a good friend.
I don't want to up set her but just don't want to be the quiet girl in the corner anymore.

Come on, girl! Your friend tried to crowd you out, and failed. It looks as if she is willing to risk upsetting you over a man.

Sauce for the goose is sauce for ... em, the other goose.

I am a friend

blacklilly wrote: »

believe me this girl would have told me if something happened so im sure nothing did

Ok but my point still stands about giving out the wrong impression. You need to think if you value the friendship or this guy more?

blacklilly

Well if this girl happened to get with this guy I would still be friends with her obviously. so I would expect the same if I was to get with him.

Elmidena

What is your question OP?

also if he was into my friend,he probably would have a least tried to kiss her considering they were sharing a bed?

believe me this girl would have told me if something happened so im sure nothing did

Your friend sounds immature and like she's trying to rile you or score points or something, it'll only work if you let it. Has she been like this in the past? If so, then I'd give her a stern talking to so she knows you're serious and ticked off with it. Otherwise there'll be no changes. If she hasn't been like this in the past, then maybe she has her own issues, or else she might just be trying to get you to snap and do SOMETHING and bring yourself out of the cage you have yourself in. Keep talking to the guy, but I don't know how long he's been there or how close you have to work with him so I don't know if going after him is feasible. Sounds he's interested though, but I don't know if you're potential marriage or potential BFF level of interest.

blacklilly

I don't think she deserves a talking too. she likes this guy as well its not my place to tell her to back down.
she's a serious flirt, whereas im more reserved, that's just her personality.
my question isn't so much about her, its more about does he like me

Missy Moo Moo

Could he not have offered you to share his bed with your friend while he took the spare room? I agree with the points made that he didn't have to get into bed with her and I honestly think he's enjoying the attention from two girls.

I'm sorry OP but if it were me, I'd leave it. I know people might say alls fair in love and war etc but friendships should always come first. In a few years time you probably won't even remember this guys name. There's plenty of other guys out there that you won't risk upsetting your friend over. As cheeky as your friend was taking his bed, a real gent would have taken the couch.

fallen01angel

Is your friend aware that you're interested in this guy too?? Cos it seems to me that in her case the gloves are well and truely off,going on you original post she practically invited herself to stay the night,climbed into his bed and refused to get out.Now if nothing did happen on the night between them I think it's safe to say that he has no interest in your friend.
Now the question about him being interested in you-he invited you to stay over,he's e mailed you about how the rest of your weekend went....all good signs so far,the only thing that raises any questions is the fact that he did end up getting into bed with your friend,fair enough apparently nothing happened,but if I were a guy interested in a girl and her friend hijacked my bed I definately be taking the couch option.My advice to you is to see how things develope with him,maintain the contact and continue to be yourself,full on offering it up on a plate as your friend has tried clearly doesn't appeal to this guy.
[Well if this girl happened to get with this guy I would still be friends with her obviously. so I would expect the same if I was to get with him. ]Quote

Just because you would do the right thing by a friend,does not mean she would be so loyal,reading you posts she comes across as quite competitive and may take you ending up with the guy badly.

blacklilly

He's really down to earth and not at all cocky, so I don't think he even realise that we both like him.
also its not that easy to meet a nice guy. If I sit back and do nothing I'll just become the wall flower again.
There have been so many times over the years where I've taken a back seat because a friend liked a guy I liked.
I honestly don't think this particular friend would be annoyed if I got with this guy, I know I wouldnt be annoyed if she got with him but it doesn't look a if that's going to happen.
If I continue to take a back seat where is that going to leave me?

Elmidena

Send him a message saying "hey, wanna go out?". It saves a lot of will I/won't I does he/doesn't he and you'll feel better for it. Worst case scenario you feel a bit embarrassed but it'll wear off, and he seems he's a nice mate and not one to take it too seriously (I mean, if he still talks to your friend and she did everything to offer herself up, I wouldn't be too worried of losing face)

blacklilly

Elmidena wrote: »

Send him a message saying "hey, wanna go out?". It saves a lot of will I/won't I does he/doesn't he and you'll feel better for it. Worst case scenario you feel a bit embarrassed but it'll wear off, and he seems he's a nice mate and not one to take it too seriously (I mean, if he still talks to your friend and she did everything to offer herself up, I wouldn't be too worried of losing face)

Although I would love to have the ability to be that forward I don't think I could do that. Think we are ( as in my work colleagues) going out for drinks in Friday so I'll see how it goes at that.

P. Breathnach

Well, practise fluttering your eyelashes or something.

Consider telling your friend that she has had her chance and blown it, and that she should now allow you a clear run without interference.

December2012

OP are you annoyed by your friends behaviour?

blacklilly

I find her behaviour somewhat cheeky but am am I annoyed by it? Possibly slightly but I cannot control others behaviour.
I would not have done what she did but obviously we are different.

If for instance I had kissed this guy before and she then jumped into his bed, I would find that hurtful, as that hasn't happened then I've no real reason to be annoyed.

I am a friend

blacklilly wrote: »

Although I would love to have the ability to be that forward I don't think I could do that. Think we are ( as in my work colleagues) going out for drinks in Friday so I'll see how it goes at that.

Well op it's good that you have decided to see how things pan out. Obviously people see different things in people's behaviour but it's almost impossible fir people on a forum to tell you if someone likes you. If a guy I liked jumped into bed with a friend for any reason I would leave it but you seem confident nothing happened and that he is not attention seeking so that's fine.

Best thing is to go with an open mind and a guarded heart. Good luck

Neyite

Here's a suggestion:

Mail him back and tell him in whatever way is comfortable for you to phrase it, that you were interested in him as more than friends but you are backing off in light of him spending the night with the other girl.

Something like "Yeah, had a good night the last night, though you both had a better one by the looks of it . I was gonna make my move but too bad she got in there first. Ah well!"

If he is interested in you, and thinks you feel the same way, he will be at pains to let you know that he has no interest in your friend, that nothing happened, and ask you out. If he is not interested in you, you can pass it off as a flirty joke.

P. Breathnach

Neyite wrote: »

Here's a suggestion ...

That might be unnecessarily risky. How such a game might play out depends on the personalities of all involved, and we don't know the people.

blacklilly

Maybe I'll just sit and wait for him to make a move.....if he ever does.
If I was leaving work Id be more inclined to let him know that i liked him but I wouldnt feel comfortable doing it otherwise

P. Breathnach

Blacklilly, do you really want to crash and burn on this one? This guy took some steps towards you, but your friend got in the way. It seems she made no progress, but she muddied the water - for him as well as for you.

He might be very interested in you, but unsure about how things are after the shenanigans of last weekend. If you play it cool, he might interpret it as a lack of interest, perhaps resulting from what happened with your friend.

I wasn't entirely joking when I suggested that you practise fluttering your eyelashes (although I would lean more towards the "or something" alternative). He might need a signal from you before resuming what was starting when your friend muscled in on the situation.

blacklilly

I just wouldn't feel comfortable making it very obvious to him that I like him, Im shy in that regard.
Thats why I usually take a back seat. I would consider myself confident but not with things like this. Im too self conscious to put myself out there as such.
he's a bit older than me so hopefully he'll have the confidence to approach me, if he likes me that is.

I am a friend

blacklilly wrote: »

Maybe I'll just sit and wait for him to make a move.....if he ever does.
If I was leaving work Id be more inclined to let him know that i liked him but I wouldnt feel comfortable doing it otherwise

But you said you dont want to be a wallflower again in this instance. I know its hard when you have to look at him at work but I think you either need to make a move or give up on it...

LegacyUser

Hi

Here is my pennies worth, is there a social scene from work on say a friday evening? or do ye hit for a drink after work, you could latch on to that situation to be in his company again outside of the working environment.

You could suggest that you owe him a beer for letting you stay in his gaff that night. This wouldnt be putting yourself out there at all, you could play it coy then if ye do end up having the drink, gague his reaction and see what his body langague is like.

You could say that if he was a gentleman he'd have given you the space in his bed and let him take to the couch!

In the end you could leave it that, well i brought you for a drink so if you want to go again you will haver to ask me.......

LegacyUser

Why didn't he offer to sleep in the spare bed and you could have slept with your friend?

LegacyUser

"Could he not have offered you to share his bed with your friend while he took the spare room?"

OP, I agree with the above!!

I also reckon he is just plain nice (and didn't want to tell yer one to get the hell out of his bed), or a player who is a bit of a womaniser and loves attention.

OK, so both you and your friend like the guy. If nothing happened with them, then I'd say he's not interested in her.

Although, I don't think there's a guarantee he's into you either. The only thing I would say is, (and this is coming from a girl who's also reserved and useless at flirting etc) that you need to put yourself out there, and make it known that you're interest. eye contact and lots of it. He'll have to get the hint. what's the worst that can happen. he turns you down and you stay friends. he'll forget about it, and so will you after a week or two.

Incidentally, your overall story rings a bell with me. recently I liked a guy, kissed him a couple of times. Next thing, I start to notice my friend trying to get in on the action, she was trying to crowd me out at a party one night. She knew the history between me and said guy. So fu*King cheeky and brazen! In hindsight too, this guy was a bit of a player, he entertained her instead of telling her to hop it. So I'm over it now.
Anyway, I now know that she's just competitive and isn't happy unless she's getting all the attention. Sad it what it is. and lads see through this after a while. Maybe you're friend is a bit similar.

anyhow, make a move on the guy!!! good luck.

blacklilly

Well we all had a bit to drink, it was a long night. he genuinely seemed annoyed that my friend hopped into his bed. when he came into me the following morning my friend was still asleep and we just chatted for a while.

Now I just need to learn how to be more flirty. actually at work today a colleague passed remark about me and this guy to another colleague, said he could sense some chemistry between us.

Im certainly not a competitive type when it comes to men but i need to start putting myself first otherwise I'll end up a spinster at this rate.

December2012

Drop the hand!

I am a friend

Op just be careful with work - you dont want to end up the water machine story of the day. This is your career after all. I would be saying zero about my love life to any colleagues.

Taltos

December2012 - infracted for breach of our charter.

We have a zero tolerance for muppetry here. If you have not already done so please review our charter and familiarise yourself with other threads as continued posts of this style will shortly earn you a ban from this forum.

You can find the charter here.

Thanks Taltos

blacklilly

I am a friend wrote: »

Op just be careful with work - you dont want to end up the water machine story of the day. This is your career after all. I would be saying zero about my love life to any colleagues.

I kept quiet when this was being said. I can't control what people say. Although I agree about keeping professional our work atmosphere is very friendly and i would consider most colleagues friends at this stage.

P. Breathnach

blacklilly wrote: »

... Now I just need to learn how to be more flirty...

Im certainly not a competitive type when it comes to men but i need to start putting myself first otherwise I'll end up a spinster at this rate.

You are coming on to the wavelength that I think you should.

But don't force it too much. It might seem false, or people might get the wrong impression of you or your intentions.

There are ways of signalling your interest without being overtly flirty. They come readily to some women, but perhaps not to you. When you meet him, keep eye contact just a tiny bit longer than you might with other friends; drop the register of your voice a little (we are talking at the level of barely-noticeable); touch him lightly and briefly on a small excuse (upper arm is good - not too forward and challenging).

And you can use words. You clearly don't want to say straight out that you fancy him, but you can say that you are glad he's there, that he is looking well tonight, things that are generally positive about him, but which are not equivalent to throwing yourself at his feet crying "Take me! I'm yours!"

Or you could flutter your eyelashes.

I am a friend

blacklilly wrote: »

I kept quiet when this was being said. I can't control what people say. Although I agree about keeping professional our work atmosphere is very friendly and i would consider most colleagues friends at this stage.

But you are going head to head against a work friend to score a colleague. If this girl has the big mouth you say she has then people already know or will know that ye both stayed in his place and will also know if / when you score with him. Tbh I don't think that's professional.

I know you can make friends at work but all the colleagues you are friendly with are not necessarily your Good friends. People tend to have less loyalty to work friends than other friends when it comes to juicy gossip. Just be aware.

Also think hard what you want from this? A ons, fling or relationship? Just try to think of the repercussions in work if things start but don't pan out as you want. You say he is older. Is he your boss?

blacklilly

You've taken this up wrong.
this friend I've known 5/6 years and have been working with her two years.
I never said she had a big mouth either So Im not sure where you got that from.
What I Said was, she likes this guy also and she is a flirt.
Also I've worked in this company long enough to know what's not acceptable to talk about. I hold a managerial position in the company as does this guy.
I do agree that friends from work may not be so loyal but as a whole my colleagues get on very well with each other

I am a friend

Ok fair enough - best of luck with it all.

blacklilly

My flirting technique paid off, thanks for the all the advice

a fat guy

So you got the guy? Good job!

blacklilly

Yep, he told me that he liked me and has asked me out to dinner;-)

P. Breathnach

I was hoping that you would come back with a positive report. Well done, you.

Ickle Magoo

blacklilly wrote: »

My flirting technique paid off, thanks for the all the advice

Congratz OP.

As you no longer require advice, I'll lock this thread. :cool: