Problem with Nephew

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'm writing on behalf of my nephew who is in his mid-twenties and has developed a habit of going to bed late at night, maybe between 4am-5.30am everyday. He also has a habit of getting up between 2.30-3.15pm everyday. It seems to be getting later and later and he doesn't seem to understand it's abnormal. He has developed this pattern ever since he quit college when he was 20, so for the past 5-6 years it has gotten progressively worse. He has also gained weight during this period, up to 15 stone so far even though his diet isn't terribly bad and doesn't consume alcohol. He has never worked since quitting college and instead claims the dole every week. He's by no means a waster but seems to have developed this strange and abnormal pattern. He doesn't go out and socialize either, usually spending most of the time using the computer or watching sport. He's staying with his family who have explained numerous times its abnormal but he doesn't seem to see it as a problem nor cares about it either.

What do you think about this situation?

Is there any hope for somebody who you can't get through to and has had this habit for an awful long time?

Thanks in advance for any comments!

BattleCorp

sleepyhollow wrote: »

He has never worked since quitting college and instead claims the dole every week. He's by no means a waster but seems to have developed this strange and abnormal pattern. He doesn't go out and socialize either, usually spending most of the time using the computer or watching sport.

Sorry to be so blunt but he does sound like a waster to me. He is stuck in a rut and needs to get up off his ar5e and do something to change his situation.

Is he out looking for work every day? If not, why isn't he? I know that there isn't much work out there but you have to keep trying. Nobody is going to call to his house and give him a job.

He has it too handy, he can get up when he wants, go to bed when he wants, play on the computer when he wants. It seems to me that he isn't interested in changing his lifestyle.

His weight problem is probably down to the fact that he lives a very sedentary lifestyle. He's not getting enough exercise.

These are all problems that can be addressed, but you can't do it for him.

He has to realise all the things he needs to change to make things better for himself and then go about changing them himself.

Morag

He should go to his dr and get a check up and talk with them.

LegacyUser

BattleCorp wrote: »

Sorry to be so blunt but he does sound like a waster to me. He is stuck in a rut and needs to get up off his ar5e and do something to change his situation.

Is he out looking for work every day? If not, why isn't he? I know that there isn't much work out there but you have to keep trying. Nobody is going to call to his house and give him a job.

He's never been out looking for work. He doesn't agree with the whole idea that you work for somebody your entire life. This is the only reason he's ever come up with. Constantly rebels against current forms of society saying it should be equal and fair instead of working all day for somebody else. He also views it as a waste of a life to do that, much more so than actually doing nothing at home.

edellc

AFAIAK there is nothing you can do, he is an adult and its his life to lead what ever way he see fit tbh

I understand your concerns playing computer games all night and eating rings around yourself is not a good combo and he really has no motivation to get off his arse

He is staying with family so its up to them to say that it is a no go situation and to lay down the rules of what is acceptable, but he is an adult and if he is contributing financially to the house and pulling his weight with house work then you cant really do anything but if he isnt then whoever it is that he is living with is well within their rights to say that he needs to get up and pull his weight as its is not acceptable

Unless he is living with you Op I really dont think you have any right to say anything to him, voice your concerns if you wish but he is an adult and can do as he pleases

best of luck with it all op

Starokan

Like any negative pattern it needs to be broken, it never will be though unless he reaches a stage where he wants to do so.

people get into ruts, it sounds to me like he knows no different, unless his family force him to change its possible this will go on for years and years. The more reclusive you become the harder it is to break the habit.

If his family really want him to change they may have to kickstart the process, by charging him rent n bills, by insisting he helps around the house or garden (during the mornings) in short by making getting a job a preferable option

looksee

I'll bet there would be signs of life if the broadband were cut off.

Meauldsegosha

looksee wrote: »

I'll bet there would be signs of life if the broadband were cut off.

Exactly his family are enabling his behaviour. if he is not already, make him pay rent, for food and and utility bills. Its all very well having idealistic views about not "working for the man" but this is real life.

LegacyUser

whatever his reasons for not looking for work and being happy to sponge off the state, and whatever your family's attitude to that - calling him abnormal is a bit horrible. and a bit judgemental tbh. he's an adult. by all means give him the verbal kick up the bottom to get him motivated, but to him going to bed late IS normal. calling him abnormal is just going to further alienate yourselves from him, and make him rebel more. who wants to be called abnormal???

Fentdog84

Sounds like he could have some form of depression if he's lacking enthusiasm for getting up and doing something with himself or life.Try and encourage him so see some one a gp or counsellor. But at the end of the day its up to the family whether they put up with it or not. Not much you can do really.

jpm4

He needs a job - end of. I got into similar patterns of sleeping in till all hours during summer holidays as a student. Some people simply will not get out of bed if there is no reason to.

looksee

sleepyhollow wrote: »

He's never been out looking for work. He doesn't agree with the whole idea that you work for somebody your entire life. This is the only reason he's ever come up with. Constantly rebels against current forms of society saying it should be equal and fair instead of working all day for somebody else. He also views it as a waste of a life to do that, much more so than actually doing nothing at home.

But he is happy for other people to work for him? Where does he think the SS money comes from if not from people working? Yes I know there is no point asking you, this is his version of life!

There really isn't anything you can do, just be grateful he is not dossing in your house. If his family is enabling him and is not looking for help then it isn't your problem and no matter how irritating it is, you need to stay out of it. If they are looking for help then he needs the mattress pulled out from under him - remove support and make him responsible for himself. They could check out getting him on to a training program - maybe computer related - that would get him up and going every day. He should not be just on the dole endlessly, there should be some sort of follow up to get him working.

LegacyUser

Wow, I could’ve written this post myself, I have an almost identical situation except it is my brother, and he lives at home with my mother [I live elsewhere]. His life is completely identical to your nephew’s, except he does not contribute financially in any way to the household, and never will. My mother is completely enabling his behaviour [supplies him with all food, internet, computer gamse] and I feel she is afraid to break the bad habits in case ‘the poor thing could be driven to suicide’ though I think he is far too lazy to even consider such a thing.
She refuses to admit he is abnormal, and is in total denial about the whole situation. She seems to think he is ‘safe’ in his room with his computer games.

He dropped out of college when he was 18 and is now 23, so this situation is going on for years. He has never worked a day in his life and never will, he doesn’t believe in it. He is happy to collect his dole every week and sneers at me [and the rest of society] for ‘wasting’ up to 50 hours per week trying to earn money to pay my bills while he gets to sleep until 4pm or so every day. As the years pass, the bedtime gets later and getting up time is getting later too.

If anyone has a solution of how to fix this problem, when the enabler refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, please do let us know!

looksee

voiceofreasonhere wrote: »

whatever his reasons for not looking for work and being happy to sponge off the state, and whatever your family's attitude to that - calling him abnormal is a bit horrible. and a bit judgemental tbh. he's an adult. by all means give him the verbal kick up the bottom to get him motivated, but to him going to bed late IS normal. calling him abnormal is just going to further alienate yourselves from him, and make him rebel more. who wants to be called abnormal???

Of course it is judgmental, and anyone who is working to keep him in the state to which he is accustomed is entitled to be judgmental. This is not about the current state of the economy, this is about an idle layabout.

LegacyUser

@looksee - i never said anything about the issue being about the state of the economy?? i have my own views about someone being entitled to dole if they're not looking for work. my point is that now TWO people in this thread are calling these guys abnormal.

calling someone abnormal for behaviours like this is not going to do that person involved any good. what's the point in it? these guys are adults, the only way they're going to get out of these habits is one of two things. either they come around to the idea themselves, or they are forced round to the idea due to their enablers stopping the enabling. simple as that.

we don't know if these guys are sufferring from depression or some other mental illness, only they know. nowhere in either the OP or the other post do i see any compassion, any reasoning, any stopping of the enabling, any pleas to get checked out by a GP in case they're depressed, any calls for rent or financial contribution to the household bills, i just see a family repeatedly calling them abnormal. what do they think they're going to achieve by it? these families need to stop the name calling and do something if they're so unhappy with the current situation. it doesn't need to be made any more complicated than that.

daisybelle2008

sleepyhollow wrote: »

he doesn't seem to see it as a problem nor cares about it either.

fdgdfgdfg wrote: »

If anyone has a solution of how to fix this problem, when the enabler refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, please do let us know!

This is really the crux of the matter. If it is not a problem to the person and they are happily being enabled by family and welfare, then really there is nothing you can do.

I think the best solution for both these cases is to butt out and mind your own business. Don't frustrate yourself trying to 'fix' other peoples lives for them. And I include both these guys familys. It is up to them to stop being enablers IF THEY REALLY WANT TO. But it seems to me that the 'layabouts' and their familys are all content with their roles and really the sisters and the auntys need to let them at it.

Who is to say what is normal or not. Just because someone is not living their life to your standards, doesn't mean you are obliged to stick your nose in and make it your 'problem'. You cannot change his mental state and nor should you be trying to take responsibility to do that.

It reminds me of the Mark Twain saying "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes time and annoys the pig"

looksee

voiceofreasonhere wrote: »

@looksee - i never said anything about the issue being about the state of the economy?? i have my own views about someone being entitled to dole if they're not looking for work. my point is that now TWO people in this thread are calling these guys abnormal.

calling someone abnormal for behaviours like this is not going to do that person involved any good. what's the point in it? these guys are adults, the only way they're going to get out of these habits is one of two things. either they come around to the idea themselves, or they are forced round to the idea due to their enablers stopping the enabling. simple as that.

we don't know if these guys are sufferring from depression or some other mental illness, only they know. nowhere in either the OP or the other post do i see any compassion, any reasoning, any stopping of the enabling, any pleas to get checked out by a GP in case they're depressed, any calls for rent or financial contribution to the household bills, i just see a family repeatedly calling them abnormal. what do they think they're going to achieve by it? these families need to stop the name calling and do something if they're so unhappy with the current situation. it doesn't need to be made any more complicated than that.

Sorry, but you are not the 'voice of reason'. You are the voice of enabling and 'ah god love them they have a problem'. If this were someone who had a job but had dropped out of it and was staying in bed all day, then I would say yes, there could be a depression or similar problem.

However this business of playing computer games till early morning then sleeping all day is something many teens go through, it drives their family mad for a couple of years at weekends and summers, then they discover it is a waste of their lives and start to do something more useful. Occasionally you get a dosser who can't be bothered to get out of it, and has no reason to because they are being enabled by family.

I was simply saying in my previous post that I did not see anything wrong with being judgmental about him, since it is my taxes that are allowing him to stay in bed. People have opinions, they are expressing them, that is judgmental, where's the problem?

I do agree though that these situations are only the business of the immediate family. In the second case the mammy wants to keep someone at home to 'mind'. Ridiculous and not good for the brother, but it is their business. Mammy might find herself stuck for someone to mind her when it comes to it though, because for sure the brother at home will suddenly find a reason to go travelling.

tbh

sleepyhollow wrote: »

He's staying with his family who have explained numerous times its abnormal but he doesn't seem to see it as a problem nor cares about it either.

What do you think about this situation?
!

All I can tell you is what my mam would have said to me if I was your nephew.

"you better start looking for a job, because in three months you're moving out"

LegacyUser

I have never directly insulted my brother or told him he is a waster or abnormal or anything of the sort. I have suggested to him that he should look for a job (he laughs in my face, with "As if!!"), that he ought to contribute towards the household bills which he mostly drives up, towards the insane broadband bill which he solely uses, towards the food my mother cooks for him, etc, etc. My mother is a young widow and has no income other than her pension. She doesn't seem to realise or isn't willing to see how unhealthy this 'minding' him is. He behaves as though he's a naughty 15-year-old that's rebelling against going to school - very similar traits, and that's fine for a week or two when you are 15 or 16, but to have this attitude at his age disgusts me, and I am perfectly entitled to that opinion. I worked part-time from the age of 14 for pocket money, I worked very hard in two jobs to put myself through college, I have been self-funded for many years and moved out of home at 18 and never looked back. Perhaps this is none of my business, but I can't help but be concerned and upset about what has become of my family home and the two occupants in it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the comments guys!

It seems to be split between two camps - those that think it's not abnormal and those who think it's justifiable to be judgemental as their taxes pay for his lifestyle.

I'm sort of veering to the conclusion that nothing can be done, but was curious to see what others thought.

By the way, he doesn't play 'computer games' all night, just some of the time. But most of the time does involve the computer.

Anyway, thanks again!!

BattleCorp

sleepyhollow wrote: »

He's never been out looking for work. He doesn't agree with the whole idea that you work for somebody your entire life. This is the only reason he's ever come up with. Constantly rebels against current forms of society saying it should be equal and fair instead of working all day for somebody else. He also views it as a waste of a life to do that, much more so than actually doing nothing at home.

Does he think it is equal and fair that I work all week and my tax goes to pay for his lazy ar5e.

He has a bad attitude (and that's putting it mildly).

I'm not overly impressed with his family either as they are enabling him to sit on his hole every day and sponge of workers like me who pay his dole.

Personally I'd kick him out on his ass and let him see what it's like out in the real world.

Back to your question, I don't think that there is anything you can do to help him. As long as his family pander to his every need and the state keep putting a few quid in his pocket, then why would he change.

onimpulse

sleepyhollow wrote: »

He's never been out looking for work. He doesn't agree with the whole idea that you work for somebody your entire life. This is the only reason he's ever come up with. Constantly rebels against current forms of society saying it should be equal and fair instead of working all day for somebody else. He also views it as a waste of a life to do that, much more so than actually doing nothing at home.

So why doesn't he work for himself then? Not everyone works for someone else! That's a ridiculous excuse!!!

He need a good kick in the #%^{ he has it far to easy & he's milking it!

Fentdog84

It's easy to say he's a lazy so and so who needs a kick up the ass. From someone who was in a similiar position before its not quite that straightforward. Chances are, in fact its probably guaranteed, he's not feeling good about his situation and probably feels like a failure, and dosent know what to do. If he does suffer from depression and low self esteem he needs to be encouraged in a positive way rather than lambasted. GP or counselling would be the first step forward. It's easy say go out and get a career and be a big success but its not that easy for everyone.

Janey_Mac

Fentdog84 wrote: »

It's easy to say he's a lazy so and so who needs a kick up the ass. From someone who was in a similiar position before its not quite that straightforward. Chances are, in fact its probably guaranteed, he's not feeling good about his situation and probably feels like a failure, and dosent know what to do. If he does suffer from depression and low self esteem he needs to be encouraged in a positive way rather than lambasted. GP or counselling would be the first step forward. It's easy say go out and get a career and be a big success but its not that easy for everyone.

I agree with this. I mean, he is being a terrible drain on society and his poor mother and his behaviour is completely unacceptable and absolutely needs to change, no argument here, but I think it is very likely that there is depression at the root of it, so in order for him to stop the dreadful behaviour that needs to be addressed.

When people behave badly they should be called out on it, not enabled and made to stop. Sometimes, the behaviour is caused by some other problem that needs to be addressed so that they can make the effort and stop it. Doesn't mean I'm excusing it and thinking he should be left there paying no rent being a drain on his mother's money.

But, yeah, OP, if the people he lives with aren't gonna start asking for rent or stop supporting him then he may never get the push he needs to sort out his mental health and his life.