What to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I’ve known this girl for the past 11 years. I’m 38 & she is 34. We have been great friends in that time, some common interests & we have met quite a lot at different times.

My last 2 relationships ended badly. The first was a 9 year one the second a 4 year one. In the last relationship I feel I was verbally abused, constantly being told I was useless & that everything I did was wrong. The girl was nice looking & could be nice, but operated with a split personality, extremely nice & generous one minute, then changing to being horribly abusive towards me & my family next. I reluctantly got out of that relationship & almost a year has passed since then. I’ve met a couple of girls that were nice, but I didn’t feel anything for them.

This friend of mine has been very good to me as long as I know her. She was a help when both relationships ended. She knows that the last relationship damaged me, made me feel unattractive & useless. A year on though, I have feelings for this friend. She is not a supermodel, but I really enjoy being around her & in all the time I’ve known her she & I have never rowed. I know she would love to meet someone & settle down and have kids, but I also know she likes going out and enjoying herself & that with her interests & personality, she would fit right in with my brothers, sisters and family. The last girl had no interest in any of that once things got serious with us.

I don’t know why but I am scared to ask her out. Maybe it’s because I am scared I’ll lose her as a friend, but 99% of me is saying ‘go for it’ but yet I haven’t. She is incredibly low maintenance and friendly but even though I’ve got an email typed up ready to ask her out, it’s been in my drafts for 2 weeks now. I’m also having dreams about my last girlfriend, some are nice, some bad. Many of the dreams are about her telling me that she is disappointed we didn’t work out but she still likes me. Even though I loved my last girlfriend, the rational side of me tells me it would never have worked as we argued practically all the time & my family and friends really did not like her as they saw her as manipulative & controlling.

My friend is so the opposite, yet I can’t press the send button on that email.

What should I do?

Piliger

Hi OP. I do understand where you are at. It's not an easy one. However I am concerned that you are preparing an email ..... why an email ?
This girl is your close friend and surely she deserves a personal conversation ?
I know it's not easy. I know it's a really tough subject to raise ... but in my opinion this is a topic for a face to face talk. That way you can sense her response to initial comments, you can fix possible misunderstandings, you can react to her emotionally.

You know OP, life is for the living. Life has to be faced up to and grasped in our hands. sometimes it goes great, other times it doesn't. We deal with whatever happens and move forward.

Only you know if this is a girl you care for in a loving way, in a sexual way, in a partner way. Only you can know if this is a comfort thing, a port in a storm thing, an oasis in a desert thing.

If it is the former than reach out and take that chance. Could you lose her as a friend ? maybe for a short while ... but not in the long term, and the upside is worth it !

If it is the latter .... well ... be happy that you have such a friend and be patient.

best of luck.

daisybelle2008

Hi OP,
Don't feel like you need to do something immediately. You still seem a little shell-shocked from your last relationship. You maybe need a little bit more time building yourself up. You stayed in a 'horribly abusive' relationship where you felt unattractive and useless for 4 years! That is a long time. It does appear a little like this girl is kind of a security blanket and that there is not a real spark there but that you will settle to try to feel better about yourself to counter act the last relationship.

Honestly consider some time on your own, learning to trust your own judgement and not depend so much on being in a relationship. Look deeply at why you thought so little of yourself that you stayed in a sh*t relationship long after it's sell by date.

nlk

Hi Op

My gut reaction from reading your post is that I would wait a while before doing anything.

It does appear from your post that you see your friend more as a non-threatening pragmatic solution to being alone and finding a life partner rather than having actually fallen for her.

Also it sounds you are drawn to her 'on paper' because she is the opposite to your ex- the logic being your ex hurt you badly so her opposite won't. Now, I don't suggest you should find someone like your ex; however I think if your past relationship is determining your future choices to this extent it possibley means that you have some more stuff to work through.

If she is right for you then its worth the wait and if you are better as friends then it is worth taking the time to give it propper consideration.

As daisybelle2008 suggested, just take some more time to get back to feeling 100% and then see how you feel.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Maybe a little more context needed. I stayed in the 4 year relationship for many reasons. One of them was guilt. When we rowed I’d stay quiet, she would tear strips off me & after listening to how horrible I am I’d eventually fire a shot back. Then I’d be met with ‘how could you say that?’. A row would break out, I’d leave, then it would be my fault for leaving. I’d get the ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this to me’ & I’d go back. We also went through a miscarriage which was awful. The day we lost the baby I tried everything to make sure she knew I still loved her. Got dinner, sat with her for ages, gave her time to herself, told her I loved her no matter what. But the following day it was all my fault, almost to the point where I was scared to be around her. I spent the night away from her & then got the ‘I don’t know how you could do this to me’ again.

She was a very loving person when things were great, telling her friends about how good I was etc, then when things changed I was evil. Her friends began to resent me even though they never saw me doing anything and if I tried to defend myself in rows, her friends were told verbatim the things I said to the point where one of them refused to ever be in my company again, even though that friend had said things about me that were nasty & I hadn’t said a lot about her. I made a lot of mistakes in that relationship but not to the point where everything was my fault. My self-esteem took a battering. A year on I realise that I was shutting down everything I enjoyed in life to make things work. In the end nothing worked.

This girl who is a friend, before I didn’t fancy her, but the last 5-6 times I met up with her I have been wondering what it would be like to be with her on a day to day basis. I confided all of this in a very good female friend who asked me ‘can you see yourself sleeping with her?’ Before, the answer would have been no, now it’s yes. The reason I had an email written was I tried to arrange to meet her a couple of times the last month but she had something on. I know it should be face to face, I’d planned it that way but due to her being a nice person she gets invited out a lot. It’s not just a case of ‘settling’ or being ‘safe’, 2 years before my ex & I split, I began to think of this friend in a different light & once while my ex & I were off for a month I met up with this friend. I actually thought about asking her out then, but my ex contacted me & we got back together.

I have gone out with 3 girls since splitting with my ex, some for 4 or 5 dates, but ended all of them as there was no spark, no vision of anything long term. I decided in Feb to give myself a break & have tried to clear the head to see what I want. My friend is the only person I think of at all, even on nights out if I see gorgeous girls etc I don’t really feel like talking to them.

Sorry – I know this is a lot of information, just trying to put it all in context as it’s hard to paint a picture in 1-2 messages here. Thanks again for listening.

Piliger

Hi OP - a good follow up. I feel my advice stands and again I would urge you to do it in person.

Good luck whatever you do.

Elmidena

Send the email. You haven't done anything more than said "I like you" and so all it will take is swallowing a bit of pride if it doesn't work out--this isn't enough to destroy an 11 year friendship. You're both adults! Just stop thinking about the ex, there's no moving forwards while you're jammed in the past

nlk

Hi OP

It sounds like you have already made up your mind about this so I think you should go for it.

I also think you should do it in person if possible but sure no harm sending an email either.

Hope it works out well for you.

All the best