nit picking

LegacyUser

Had anorexia when was teenager and sent most of twenties obsession about weight, food etc. Never had the head space to get involved in serious relationship etc. Went for long period of counselling for few years which helped me to open up a lot. My friends notice dramatic change in me as eating pretty much under control and able to discuss things openly. I've come a long way but I'm still crippled by low self esteem and obsession with my appearance.for the past 15 years I've been prone to overanalysing my body, face, hair and finding every blemish and flaw . 50% of time I'm ok with myself and am less obsessed than was younger.however still have periods of self loathing where don't want to keavr the house.this is a way of life for me now and i get by. My main issue is that when I'm in a relationship, I dissecting my boyfriends in same way. They're usually really deep honest guys who I click with but I find 50% of time I'm crazy about them and the other 50% I am turned off by something small and usually in their appearance.on those days I find one fault which leads to downward spiral until I've turned myself off them and can't find them attractive or fun. During that day I get depressed wondering why I'm with them, wanting them to leave me alone,hating myself for feeling and acting like this. the next day I can snap out of it and be crazy about them. Writing this I know how horrible a person I sound. Ive had one long term relationship for 4 years and I grew to love him so much but constantly battled this. Its headwrecking not knowing how you're going to feel about your partner from day to day. and so unfair on him.I spoke to him and he accepted this. for various reasons we split up and I've been in few short term relnships with same issues. I can see that I am treating them the way I treat myself. Awareness alone isn't enough to stop me focusing on negative though.anyone else get like this? I can't ford counselling for now and know I need cbt probably.

Abi

The thing about eating disorders is, they have to be worked on long term. You need the supports there, and it's unfortunate that you're unable to afford a counsellor at the moment. At the very least, stay in touch with www.bodywhys.ie , who I'm sure you're familiar with at this stage.

One fact you have to stay in touch with is that an eating disorder is an obsessive type of behaviour, akin to anything else obsessive, be that gambling, alcoholism etc. Anyone who is obsessive about something will always down play / lie about what is going on with them, and unless you're getting the help you need, it will cause problems in relationships.

This obsession you have with body perfection is not only depriving you of a healthy body, but it's costing you the chance of a happy relationship.

Nobody is perfect. I'm not perfect. Theres lots of things that I would like to change about my body, but who doesn't? I've a loving, extremely affectionate partner that doesn't seem to see what I worry about at times, but it doesn't matter diddly squat to him. He may have worries of his own I'm not aware of, but there is absolutely NOTHING I would change about him.

If the world was full of models OP, it would be a very boring one if you ask me. Its our good and our bad bits that set us apart. Somewhere along the way you've lost sight of this, and you really really really need support right now.

Do get in touch with bodywhys. Please don't be afraid of the help, because you posted here for a reason.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks abi . I'm 36 now and really feel id be too old to seek help from bodywhys who likely is aimed towards teens or people in early 20s. I've never gotten specialised treatment for my eating disorder. For past no of years, because I've gotten eating under control and been a healthy stable weight, have felt that the eating disorder isn't my main issue. My obsession with my appearance and weight are still detrimental to my life but I'm used to feeling like this about myself,its when I turn on significant other that I realise how much of an issue I have! Its gotten that I can't tell if I like someone as overanalyse things to death. Will email bodywhys tomorrow and see if they can offer any help. I'm not in Dublin though and can't see myself goin to a support group with all teenagers in my city . Aagh why didn't I get help ten years ago !

Morag

Bodywhys deal with people from a whole range of ages and should be able to refer you to someone who can help you in your area.

Just because you have control over your food intake and are physically healthy that does not mean that you are mentally and emotional un scarred by the eating disorder.
Just the same as an alcoholic who stops drinking but hasn't dealt with the other behavior patterns which disrupts their life and relationships.

But you have figured it out and are looking to make positive changes which is a great thing. Get the help you need so that you can be happier, don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve to be happy.