Am I Just Seeing what I want or ?

Wendi1975

I have recently started dating a coworker about 2 months ago. We are both know for being reserved/shy but I somehow found the courage to be able to tell him that I am attracted to him. I work in the office and he is usually in camp, but I am directly involved with his administrative work. He usually will text me the first night he leaves or even on the way upto camp. He works long hours and as the week goes on he will go a couple nights without texting - I dont bother to text either at those times, usually incase he is tired from long days. We are the same age and both have kids from previous relationships ( I have a 10 & 14 yr old daughter from a marriage & he has a 14 yr old son from a relationship - never married). I have gotten to know him over the past year - prior to dating - and he is a stand up guy. He is very driven in his career, he is a good father, takes care of his father who has a medical issue and takes very good care of himself. He recently moved into his parents home, he sold his house and it had a quick possession date and his new house is still being built. We do not get alot of time together. If Im lucky, we may get a day or night every couple weeks. He has had to cancel on me for legit reasons 2 times now but I tried not to be insecure and look at it from another point of view. I believe I am a realist, I listen to the facts and try to make my mind up based on that. He is accoutable to me pretty much at all times - not because I ask but because he chooses, if he isnt with me and isnt in camp, then he is texting me - he is usually in contact with me so I have no reason not to believe his intentions. He is very old fashioned also, we have been intimate but he isnt running into town to see me for "a booty call" before he heads back to work and prefers not to mess around unless we can actually spend sometime together.

So as our "relationship" has been progressing, he has talked to me and let me know that over the next six months his limited time is going to get even more limited as he will be hands on in building his house. He has stated that he is attracted to me too and does want to continue with us but he wants to make sure not to hurt me by not being able to spend much time together - he is not very forward with talking about his feelings and I dont push, I dont think that would be very good with him. I give him space and respect that way he is - I feel strangely comfortable with him and trust him - I feel safe.

So here's where it gets weird, I have never been into astrology so I dont know much about it. I went to a friends home last weekend. She has never met him and I dont talk much about him but she did ask if I was still seeing him. She asked me what his birthdate was and told me he is a capricorn. I explained that I had no idea of what that entails so she went on to explain capricorn male behaviour to me. She described him to a "T" - if I didnt know better than I would think she knew him really well. It was uncanny but she told me to hang in there and be patient and we are pretty much one of the best matches according to astrology (I am a taurus).

I was already planning on being patient with him. I didnt want to rush into a relationship after get out of a 10 yr marriage - I was doing great with keeping everything in perspective but all of a sudden I am finding that I am thinking about him all the time - more than I want to be. I dont want to be a stupid girl and put myself out there/ make myself vulnerable. I am scared about getting hurt and being too trusting - I truely think he is someone of good character.

Sorry its so long - I wanted to make sure I got everything out.

- Am I just seeing what I want with him?

Elmidena

Hi OP, first off well done for biting the bullet and saying you liked him

I'm not really sure what you mean by camp, is it field work or summer event hosting or...? But I presume it means he's away in any event from the rest of your post. From the sounds of it, you both have your heads screwed on and are approaching this in a very mature fashion, and acknowledging that you can't be around each other 24/7. You have similar status regarding children, and your loyalties seem to mutually lie there, as is right.

The way I see it is you've been told upfront how much/little time you'll have together and you'll have to decide if it's worth waiting out or if the loneliness would be too much for you. I think it was very kind of him to say it to you, as many folk would play it as it went and just hoped for the best--here he is giving you the option to walk away before you get too invested and know that between now and Christmas you will be lucky to see him. It is up to you if you think he's waiting for. It is a difficult choice most certainly, but only you can decide if the payoff is worthwhile. From what you've said it's been very mature and he's not the sort to play away from home, so at least there is that to be thankful for, but at the same point that's a long time to go without intimacy (I don't just mean sex, I mean cuddles, laughter in person etc).

I personally put no weight in astrology, and I would recommend you listen to your head and heart about how he acts rather than banking on how the astral alignments dictate he should act--I'm pretty sure it never says "Capricorns are likely to go on murderous rampages" or "your ideal match is a Gemini because they are monogamous and loving". Generalisations might work to a degree, but humanity dictates traits. Sequences of events lead to lifestyles. I'm not hating on the star camp by any means, but I do think you'd be foolish to make your decision based on something so fickle. If you think when the dust finally settles he will be worth it, then stick it out. If you're not sure or don't think that's the case, don't just settle for a safe option. You've come out of a marriage with your head high, and you should be proud of yourself for whatever you choose. Follow your strongest instinct

Wendi1975

Thank you Elmidena for responding - I appreciate you taking the time. I think in a I already had my mind made up but being able to say it out loud or post it on here, helps and not to mention having moments of insecurity/self doubt. I really dont put alot into astrology - I just found it uncanny how accurately it described him but then again I remember someone telling me that they are typically generalizations that anyone can relate to.

I definitely think my guy is worth waiting for - I think the way he respects me speaks volumes

Thanks again!

Lorna123

You are going to hate me for saying this but I feel that this guy likes you but is not interested in taking it any further. He had the decency to chat to you and tell you that he will not be around much in the next six months but in my opinion he would find a way to see you if he was interested. He would not risk losing you no matter what, but he is letting you down gently. That is the way I see it. This relationship could develop into something better but at the moment he is just not that into you. Sorry, if I am blunt but that is how I see it. You sound like a lovely person but don't pin all your hopes on this guy.

squonk

Lorna123 wrote: »

You are going to hate me for saying this but I feel that this guy likes you but is not interested in taking it any further. He had the decency to chat to you and tell you that he will not be around much in the next six months but in my opinion he would find a way to see you if he was interested. He would not risk losing you no matter what, but he is letting you down gently. That is the way I see it. This relationship could develop into something better but at the moment he is just not that into you. Sorry, if I am blunt but that is how I see it. You sound like a lovely person but don't pin all your hopes on this guy.

Not sure how you can see that. I think the guy is being very, very straight up. Look at what he's got on
- work
- Elderly Parent
- Son
- House Build

That's a lot of commitment but if he was messing the OP around he'd make time to call in for a booty call and then be on his way pretty quick but he's not and is at pains to stress that he's interested but has severe time commitments. He's not abusing the current relationship with the OP and is trying his best as I see it to manage her expectations and be as up front as he can be.

The other factor here is that the OP and her guy are mature individuals. As we grow older our lives change and we don't always have the time to do what we like whenever we feel like it. Our lives get more cluttered too to some extent and we must work with that. Also, while you might expect a teenager to devote all their time to their new fling, to the exclusion of other less desirable things, it's not something you'd expect from a more mature person. What do you expect him to do Lorna? Jeopardise his job by slacking off a bit more so he can spend more nights with the OP? Fob off his son for the same reason? Drop his dad? The guys looking after the house can build it just fine! He's a guy with a lot of responsibilites who sounds like he genuinely wants to be with the OP more but, being a good and responsible guy, he can't and is letting her know as much as he can.

OP personally speaking, don't mind the Astrology. It's bunkum. Don't make your decisions based on it or let it influence you in any way. Decide what you want based on what you need and feel is best for you and you are the only person who can determine that.

Lorna123

squonk wrote: »

Not sure how you can see that. I think the guy is being very, very straight up. Look at what he's got on
- work
- Elderly Parent
- Son
- House Build

That's a lot of commitment but if he was messing the OP around he'd make time to call in for a booty call and then be on his way pretty quick but he's not and is at pains to stress that he's interested but has severe time commitments. He's not abusing the current relationship with the OP and is trying his best as I see it to manage her expectations and be as up front as he can be.

The other factor here is that the OP and her guy are mature individuals. As we grow older our lives change and we don't always have the time to do what we like whenever we feel like it. Our lives get more cluttered too to some extent and we must work with that. Also, while you might expect a teenager to devote all their time to their new fling, to the exclusion of other less desirable things, it's not something you'd expect from a more mature person. What do you expect him to do Lorna? Jeopardise his job by slacking off a bit more so he can spend more nights with the OP? Fob off his son for the same reason? Drop his dad? The guys looking after the house can build it just fine! He's a guy with a lot of responsibilites who sounds like he genuinely wants to be with the OP more but, being a good and responsible guy, he can't and is letting her know as much as he can.

OP personally speaking, don't mind the Astrology. It's bunkum. Don't make your decisions based on it or let it influence you in any way. Decide what you want based on what you need and feel is best for you and you are the only person who can determine that.

I would be basing my assumptions on what I would do if I was interested in someone. We all have commitments but we can always find time to be with someone whom we are attracted to. If the OP asked herself if she had the same commitments as this guy would she tell him that she would be seeing less of him in the next six months and risk him losing interest/meeting someone new or would she be finding the time to see him. My guess is that she would be finding the time to see him. Other than that I would hope that this works out for the OP. "Where there's a will there's a way" springs to mind here.

Wendi1975

Thank you everyone for your replies, I do appreciate the positive and negative. I want to assure everyone that I am not basing things on astrology - I am just amazed and entertained by the description it has about him.

As for him letting me down easy, I have considered that, no one ever wants to be humiliated by fooling themselves and thats why I am here, but if he was trying to let me down easy why would he initiate contact. He gets ahold of me (usually) if I go a day without talking to him. He works out of town for usually 1 to 2 wks at a time with 2 days off and when he is home, he isnt right down the street from me - he has a 25 min drive into town just to get to my house.

Last night he called and he sounded very happy, he was relieved to be back at work be he actually gets time to relax at night - there are no women in camp (remote work site). He apologized for having to cancel on Saturday night bc his son rolled his quad and he had to drive out to go get him - he wasnt injured, thank goodness. He explained he was in a horrible mood and felt really bad. He then told me that he is really scared of getting the boot (from a relationship) and having to start over again and that he is getting old. I never asked him about this - we were not talking about us. To me he was trying to open up - he is a bit of an introvert and not big on sharing his emotions. To me, this meant alot in that he felt comfortable telling me - I dont see it as he is trying to let me down but quite the opposite - I think he is asking me to be patient in a sense. My response to him was that he is a good person and I didnt think he had much to worry about.... and that we are not old;) Then he changed the subject quickly and asked about how my work out was that night lol.

I dont know, maybe I am a glass is half full or rose colour glasses girl - I have been accused of being an optimist, but I have a hard time seeing an ulterior motive in him. Please feel free to let me know what your take is and thank you again to everyone that took the time to respond to me

Lorna123

I say go with your gut instinct, if you feel that this man is genuinely interested in having a future with you then you are most probably right. If your gut instinct tells you he is pulling away then you are probably right too. I have never met the man and am just going on what you said in your first message OP and when I summed it up I felt he had a list of commitments and you were last on the list. However, time will tell and I wish you well on this. Things could easily develop over time.

Katgurl

Lorna123 wrote: »

You are going to hate me for saying this but I feel that this guy likes you but is not interested in taking it any further. He had the decency to chat to you and tell you that he will not be around much in the next six months but in my opinion he would find a way to see you if he was interested. He would not risk losing you no matter what, but he is letting you down gently. That is the way I see it. This relationship could develop into something better but at the moment he is just not that into you. Sorry, if I am blunt but that is how I see it. You sound like a lovely person but don't pin all your hopes on this guy.

I couldnt disagree more. If the two people involved were in their 20's then yes, he could move heaven and earth to be with her. But he sounds like a responsible, cautious, honest guy with a lot on his plate. Maybe his last relationship ended wiht the other party very hurt & let down so he decided to be straight up with this one.

I would ignore the astrology and continue to see him, let his behaviour towards you guide your opinion of him OP. If he continues to be considerate, respectful and give you what you need, then best of luck to you both.

But I will say this. Just because he has been upfront about his availability does not mean you have to accept it. If you find yourself feeling constantly lonely within the relationship or in short, this arrangement isn't making you happy, then leave.

Lorna123

Katgurl wrote: »

I couldnt disagree more. If the two people involved were in their 20's then yes, he could move heaven and earth to be with her. But he sounds like a responsible, cautious, honest guy with a lot on his plate. Maybe his last relationship ended wiht the other party very hurt & let down so he decided to be straight up with this one.

I would ignore the astrology and continue to see him, let his behaviour towards you guide your opinion of him OP. If he continues to be considerate, respectful and give you what you need, then best of luck to you both.

But I will say this. Just because he has been upfront about his availability does not mean you have to accept it. If you find yourself feeling constantly lonely within the relationship or in short, this arrangement isn't making you happy, then leave.

If you want to see someone you make the time no matter what age you are. Okay so he has commitments:
Work - that's okay if he is away for 2 weeks
Elderly parent - he can visit his father on a Sat./Sun. afternoon and then have Sat. and Sun night free
Son - he can catch up with his son during the day and still have nights free
House/build - he can oversee his new house on a Sat./Sun morning.

He should be able to see OP at least one night a week when he is not working. Anything less shows a lack of interest in my opinion.

squonk

Lorna123 wrote: »

If you want to see someone you make the time no matter what age you are. Okay so he has commitments:
Work - that's okay if he is away for 2 weeks
Elderly parent - he can visit his father on a Sat./Sun. afternoon and then have Sat. and Sun night free

Seriously? The elderly parent may need more care than a brief afternoon visit. They may need help with house work/shopping and all sorts of other things that can crop up during the week as well.

Lorna123 wrote: »

Son - he can catch up with his son during the day and still have nights free

Maybe but you know the son can have afterschool activities in the evenings too that they need help with.

Lorna123 wrote: »

House/build - he can oversee his new house on a Sat./Sun morning.

Have you ever built a house? Even buying a house off the plans required me to spend a bit more time than the odd Saturday/Sunday morning while it was going on. That was with a building firm creating a development. If the guy is actively employing builders to manage his house build then things become far more complicated. My sister and husband went this route and it took up a large amount of time. Anyway, you won't get builders for love nor money on a Sunday morning, let alone a Saturday sometimes.

I think you're removed from reality if you're suggesting that the OP's guy can just conveniently put all of his commitments into neat boxes like you suggest.

Lorna123 wrote: »

He should be able to see OP at least one night a week when he is not working. Anything less shows a lack of interest in my opinion.

It's a tough slog for this guy. I agree that every couple of weeks is rough but he's in contact regularly and, like it or not, family have to come first. Maybe he doesn't see how much time he's giving them, I agree that it's possible to get sucked in to commitments like that but I see a guy doing his best. The only thing the OP can do is talk about it with him if it becomes a problem for her.

Lorna123

Wendi1975 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your replies, I do appreciate the positive and negative. I want to assure everyone that I am not basing things on astrology - I am just amazed and entertained by the description it has about him.

As for him letting me down easy, I have considered that, no one ever wants to be humiliated by fooling themselves and thats why I am here, but if he was trying to let me down easy why would he initiate contact. He gets ahold of me (usually) if I go a day without talking to him. He works out of town for usually 1 to 2 wks at a time with 2 days off and when he is home, he isnt right down the street from me - he has a 25 min drive into town just to get to my house.

Last night he called and he sounded very happy, he was relieved to be back at work be he actually gets time to relax at night - there are no women in camp (remote work site). He apologized for having to cancel on Saturday night bc his son rolled his quad and he had to drive out to go get him - he wasnt injured, thank goodness. He explained he was in a horrible mood and felt really bad. He then told me that he is really scared of getting the boot (from a relationship) and having to start over again and that he is getting old. I never asked him about this - we were not talking about us. To me he was trying to open up - he is a bit of an introvert and not big on sharing his emotions. To me, this meant alot in that he felt comfortable telling me - I dont see it as he is trying to let me down but quite the opposite - I think he is asking me to be patient in a sense. My response to him was that he is a good person and I didnt think he had much to worry about.... and that we are not old;) Then he changed the subject quickly and asked about how my work out was that night lol.

I dont know, maybe I am a glass is half full or rose colour glasses girl - I have been accused of being an optimist, but I have a hard time seeing an ulterior motive in him. Please feel free to let me know what your take is and thank you again to everyone that took the time to respond to me

You seem to have convinced yourself now OP that this man is on the level and if that is your gut instinct then go with that. You know best at the end of the day. None of us have ever met this man so it is very hard to form a correct opinion on him. Hope it all works out for you.

Wendi1975

It was good for me to hear, sometimes I do worry that Im not cautious enough but I do feel that he is genuine. I hadnt mentioned my worries to my guy but then without me having to bring it up - he did come out and explain that he is worried about relationships and that he is scared. Since he brought it up, he has made noticeable efforts to get in to see me - even if it is only for a short amount of time, long enough to bring me some papers that can just be faxed in like everyone else, its something. He said that he is going to try to get all his work, phone calls and etc done on the afternoon while Im still working and then he can be free for me all the next day and night. His dad was going back into the hospital for tests today so hopefully they can figure something out and he wont need as much attention but with that I completely understand - unfortunately we have to give in sometimes to things we cant control (or else they`ll really drive us crazy lol). As for his son, we have met each others kids but havent explained that we are involved romantically (my 14 could tell by the way we react to each other and called me on it immediately after we left). When it comes to the kids, if we have our kids, we dont see each other and as it stands, when he isnt working then he has his son - I am the same way, I wont ditch my girls for him either and I respect him for it. I do agree that I shouldnt compromise my happiness because I understand where he is coming from and I will definitely get out if Im not happy. He also made a comment to me that he is worried that I will get sick of him being so busy and bail on him soon and he said that he hopes that I wont and he is trying to get more time - he has switched work camps so that he will be home every weekend instead of every other. It wasnt his decision to make but he went to his manager and made the request and I dont know what he said but he is one of the rare people that got their request. Ive got to think it means something to him and I see the potential - also I am happy for the most part. Hopefully there actually is something to be said about taking things slow - Wish me luck because Im going to go for it:)

Thank you all for your advice - I honestly appreciated it all