lack of oral

LegacyUser

Hey,

Just came on here as I've seen a few posts around sex and relationships, and I was hoping to get some advice.

I've been dating my guy for a year now, and in that time, he's only performed oral twice. Thing is, I'm happy to give, but would also really like to recieve it a bit more. It's a part of sex that I've always enjoyed, and have never met a guy that's not into it before.

I've brought it up and he said that he's just not keen on it...I've showered, shaved, dropped hints and even went so far as to openly ask him for it (teasingly)....and his response is 'well, you'll appreciate it more when it does happen.'

I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't like....that wouldn't do much for me...same time, anyone any tips for me on how to persuade him to go south?? He's mid-20's, I'm a bit older...he's very adventurous and happy to try other things, sex is generally good...but I find it's the surest way to an orgasm and whilst I enjoy sex with him, I miss that side of things. Is it something he can come to enjoy or is he set against it?

Help??

LegacyUser

Stop giving him oral
He will miss it and after a very short while question why youve stopped
Tell him it isnt fair that you do it all the time and get nothing back

I had the same problem with my girlfriend and too this approach and would only give if i got first and it wasnt long before she realised she was being selfish

Ickle Magoo

vmonologues wrote: »

Is it something he can come to enjoy or is he set against it?

There is only one person going to be able to answer that - and that's your boyfriend. We all have our sexual preferences, some have very strong likes and dislikes. As trying to manipulate/coerce partners into performing acts they don't enjoy isn't a healthy way to approach relationship issues and playing games has a nasty habit of creating resentment in the long run, I'd have an honest discussion about it with him - in private but away from the bedroom.

It might just be something that really doesn't do it for him and something you'll have to learn to live without..or there may be some underlying issue that can be worked on and resolved.

All the best.

LegacyUser

thanks for responding

first off - I agree with game playing - I dont like it - it can end up in a very bitter tit for tat scenario. Withholding is also something I don't want to do - I don't particularly LOVE doing it, but I enjoy the pleasure it brings him and see it as something that's just part and parcel of sex.


I think this is where I don't get where he's coming from. Ok, some things I don't want to try if they look painful or are degrading....but oral is something that I see as just part of the whole act of sex and I don't get why he doesn't enjoy pleasuring me...fine, I know it's not everybody's favourite act, mine neither, but I learned to first get past it and now actually enjoy it because it's just another way to show love.

He also doesnt seem to be able to come from oral, nor has he asked for it (tho he enjoys it at the time)....so would that be part of the reason?

Ickle thanks for ur advice, I agree with it all.....I guess I'm just wondering if it's something I should pursue with him or drop it...I'm not all that keen on the prospect of a life without it, I love him, sex is great, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me...just wondering whether I'm being pushy or not. I really dont' want to make him feel uncomfortable - was hoping ppl would have advice on how to make it a little more enticing for him....as it stands, we've talked about it and he just says he's not keen on the whole act, the messiness, smell/taste etc....

The Princess Bride

vmonologues wrote: »

I don't particularly LOVE doing it, but I enjoy the pleasure it brings him and see it as something that's just part and parcel of sex.

was hoping ppl would have advice on how to make it a little more enticing for him....as it stands, we've talked about it and he just says he's not keen on the whole act, the messiness, smell/taste etc....

TBH-he's told you he's not keen on it- sounds like you're not terribly keen on giving it either so......

If it's not a dealbreaker,then perhaps you need to just accept this and find other things to enjoy together.
He's allowed to be honest about what he likes-and he has been.

Personally speaking,no matter how much I liked someone,I wouldn't do anything just for the other person's pleasure, unless I enjoyed it myself as well.

LegacyUser

ok, fair enough...he's been fairly clear on not really liking it and the honesty is good and of course he's allowed to like or not like other things...I just would have thought oral to be something that you'd do for ur partner...I mean, you're not always going to like every part of sex but seeing that your partner enjoys it can be enough. I know i've grown to really enjoy giving oral because of that

I guess I'm just wondering if it's not a bit selfish or stubborn to not give it a proper chance and try it a bit more..if I have a point in pushing it a bit with him...but if the general view is to back off then I will....I guess a part of it would be that I find it hard to cum through sex and I just know that oral is nearly fail safe... tbh I miss that

Elmidena

If he doesn't like the smell or taste, then why not put some cling film between his mouth and you (so to speak). It might make him more keen to explore the area if the immediate dislike is taken away. I know the sensation will be limited a good bit for you, but it'd be a starting point. If he's not willing to try that, then after a glass or two of wine (not drunk, but taken the edge off!) ask him why he doesn't like it--did he have a bad experience, did he accidentally bite someone in the past, is he afraid of scenting his facial hair (if he has any) etc etc. You should say you respect his decision but would just like understanding, and fair enough if he doesn't want to give it a fair chance with you but at least let him tell you verbally instead of letting your mind torment you

CyberJuice

could be he dislikes the smell or taste,different girls are different in that regard,it does not mean u are dirty or anything bad , you should ask him about it

unklefiction

I had the same experience, with an ex of mine, only twice in well over a year, I think you are correct to talk to him about it. I never did and it still plagues me because I never really understood given that she was better at it than anyone I was with before or since..... I think that if he feels a little repulsed by it and I suppose some people can feel that way if they haven't much experience, then they truley haven't given it a proper try, thrown themselves into it so to speak, I believe that sex is 9/10ths what you give, but, that you will receive the same in return from an appreciative partner and if they cannot be arsed to reciprocate because of some unspoken experience then this amounts to an irrational dislike of an act that can and in your case will fulfill the partner that you have chosen to be with, which seems selfish to me.

Some people love giving oral, some people hate it. There's not much you can do about it and if you force/coerce him into doing it, then the less likely he will be to.

D.R Adams

CyberJuice wrote: »

could be he dislikes the smell or taste,different girls are different in that regard,it does not mean u are dirty or anything bad , you should ask him about it

Well the funniest thing here is your username.....you must have spent ages waiting for a topic like this to come up!!

OP, I don't fully agree with the complete withdrawal of your "services" and then leading to tit for tat, but I do think if you eased back a little he might question why you have thus leading to an open discussion on your gripe.

Best of luck with it BTW.

coolcats

OP, I dont agree with you changing your ways of enjoying sex with him, if you have provided oral then dont stop, he my have had a bad experience with previous girlfriends, ask him, also with the different flavour so to speak, this my be a big problem if he does not like it, you my have to purchase some flavours, thats why they are there, ask him what flavour he likes and this has to get him moving in the right direction down south,

Just MHO,

D.R Adams wrote: »

Well the funniest thing here is your username.....you must have spent ages waiting for a topic like this to come up!!

OP, I don't fully agree with the complete withdrawal of your "services" and then leading to tit for tat, but I do think if you eased back a little he might question why you have thus leading to an open discussion on your gripe.

Best of luck with it BTW.

curlzy

Hey OP,

This thread is making me really really appreciate my guy and his love of going south!

TBH OP, I don't know how you haven't gone off sex. You say you rarely orgasm without oral so does that mean you've had blue f*nny (female blue balls ) for a year? How in the name of god are you putting up with that? And what's more, why are you giving head if you don't receive it? I could understand if you loved doing it but you say it's not your favourite thing yet you still give it. You know it's good for your partner and that's why you do it, that's what unselfish bedroom partners do. I understand that he's not hugely into it but I think he's really selfish.

Honestly OP, he must be an amazing partner out of the bedroom, I honestly can't understand how you could put up with so few orgasms for the last year!!! If I were in your position I know a frustrating sexlife would put me off him and I'd end up resenting, and breaking up with him, assuming you don't have kids together that is.

Honestly OP, life is way too short and orgasms are way too good to be putting up with this. If it can't be fixed I'd be inclined to call it a day and go find a guy that rocks my boat.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

I really don't think withholding is the answer.....I've come to enjoy it, but mostly because I don't think he'd really notice - yes he enjoys it as it happens, but has never asked for it and has pointed out that it doesn't get him off...so I don't think he'd miss it.

curlz, he IS a great partner in general - he's very unselfish, very generous, kind, loyal, honest etc...

I might have exaggerated how rarely I cum from sex - maybe out of 3/4 sessions, I come once. The sex is great, it is... I just don't always get there from sex....and I don't really want to let on either because it was an issue with a previous bf and I hate that puppydog expression when they look at u and ask 'did u come?' with such hopefull eyes.....it wasn't an issue in the past cos if sex didn't get me off, oral did. I'm still satisfied from this guy, he's good in bed...but I miss oral.

I'm not sure what to do...advice seems to be not to push him, and I kind of agree. Maybe I'll leave it, he's said he's not mad about it, and I understand....it took a while for me to like it, and it's not really the act so much as I've gotten over the act knowing how it makes my partner feel so good and I appreciate it done to me.

Maybe flavours is a help, but if I don't want to push then I guess turning up with a bottle of flavoured lube is pushing

Thanks lads for the help...any lads out there that didn't like giving head but then learned to enjoy it send on your tips!

LegacyUser

Oh and to be clear - we've talked about why he doesn't want to give it.

It's not from a bad experience, he just doesn't like doing it, the amount of liquid, the taste, the hair.....I've tried shaving to help that and he didn't take the hint, or did, but ignored it...not much I can do on the other side.

He's also said 'well, sure, I don't do it often so u really appreciate it when it happens' as his way to compromise? not sure......his 'often' has been 2/3 times so far despite me heavily hinting that'd be great to get some more of it.

Piliger

Hi OP ... I think there are two things at play here.

Firstly there is the sex. It's a hell of a lot for a girl of about 30 to envisage not having full blown all holds barred sex for a significant amount of time into the future. I have experienced this kind of situation and after a few years of a series of girls who hated giving oral I came to a decision to end it and not to stay with anyone in the future who had that problem. It was just too much to forego.
The second issue is caring and consideration. I feel this is a very worrying issue here. His attitude leaves a LOT to be desired and in my opinion is a litmus test for his whole attitude to you in the future.
In my honest opinion I would suggest to you that this is not the guy for you.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hey Piliger,

Yeah that's the prob - I just know that I'd really miss not getting oral again, or only once in the blue moon....unless maybe I could adapt to the sex a bit more. But I don't think it's fair to break up with him over it - I mean, if he asked me to do something I didn't want in sex, and he broke up with me...that's a bit shallow....I'm kind of hoping I guess, that maybe he'd come round? that it wouldn't be something I'd have to live without...

His attitude is a bit 'well, I don't like it, I'll do it once in a while but that's it'....but I don't think it shows a lack of caring and consideration....does it? I mean, he's entitled to not like oral..the idea of doing it on a woman does kind of gross me out... in general he's a very considerate lover...and outside of the bedroom he's very much generous, caring, considerate, respectful

Piliger

Hi OP. Well ... you see it's really up to you to try to balance these things out in your head I personally think it is a huge sacrifice. But if you feel he is making the effort and what you get back is worth the sacrifice then you must follow your heart. If you chose to stay then he can learn, if you are positive and encouraging and if you both communicate well. We can all change if we WANT to.

Best of luck.

beks101

vmonologues wrote: »

It's not from a bad experience, he just doesn't like doing it, the amount of liquid, the taste, the hair.....

Because a blowjob is such a heavenly breath of fresh air, what with the hair, scent, taste, gag reflex, 'liquid'...as a wise woman said, they don't call it a job for nothing!

Not to make light of your situation though OP, as I'd find it a distinct turn-off if my partner wasn't as interested or bothered about my sexual pleasure as I was his, as ultimately that's what oral boils down to really. Few people would go down south for their own sexual gratification, it's more about the response it provokes, the sounds and expressions and immense pleasure that it invokes in your partner and I don't think you're being unreasonable in expecting it more regularly. It is after all one of the staples on the sexual menu in most relationships, it's not like you're asking for golden showers or hardcore S&M or anything.

I think you need to have a proper conversation with your bf, outside of the bedroom, and express exactly how important it is to you. Give him a chance to explain where he's coming from (excusing pun) and explore with him whether he'd be open to trying it a little more with you. Suss out what would make it more comfortable for him - trying it in the shower? Flavoured lube? The fact that an orgasm is almost guaranteed any time he gives it a shot?

I really do think you need to talk to him properly, instead of saying nothing, staying put in your current situation and letting frustration and resentment grow. Because trust me, when you're used to oral and getting none for an extended period of time, while putting in a decent effort yourself, resentment is a certainty.

a fat guy

Have you considered giving each other oral at the same time?

Often the most straightforward answer can be the most effective one...

Ickle Magoo

vmonologues wrote: »

Oh and to be clear - we've talked about why he doesn't want to give it.

It's not from a bad experience, he just doesn't like doing it, the amount of liquid, the taste, the hair.....I've tried shaving to help that and he didn't take the hint, or did, but ignored it...not much I can do on the other side.

He's also said 'well, sure, I don't do it often so u really appreciate it when it happens' as his way to compromise? not sure......his 'often' has been 2/3 times so far despite me heavily hinting that'd be great to get some more of it.

If it's purely his preference then it really boils down to you having to make a choice between this man and how little he wants to give oral and finding another man whom you are more sexually compatible & share sexual repertoire with...or cutting back on the giving so the resentment doesn't build up from the efforts being one-sided.

All the best.