devastated , what next?

LegacyUser

Hi folks , tonight my partner of 10 years and two young children walked out on me .I am devasted . when I got home he told me he had a bag packed and "made a decision " and he's going , he left just like that . I told the kids he was working.

Admittedly things had not been great for a long time , we stopped having sex , although I used to ask him why , he used to change the subject . When things were bad I would ask him could we talk and sort things out , he used to roll his eyes to heaven ,
most days were spent in total silence between us , he wasn't much of a talker which was very frustrating , when he was angry with me , he wouldn't talk about stuff he'd ust give me the silent treatment for days even weeks , until i initiated conversation , I initiated sex also .
I used to complain that I got no affection , never ,a kiss or a hug , he was sleeping on sofa for a long time , said it wasn't his fault "he fell asleep".
Thinking this now,maybe I should have smelled the coffee .
So now he is gone, I am sitting here wondering if I should text him ?
This isn't the first time , everytime their is a minor arguement he threatens to leave rather than talk it out , maybe this tells a lot , that he would rather leave then sort things out , I just don't know what to do next , he left twice bfore and I begged him back for fear of being a single mum , so maybe he is expecting me to beg him back this time aswell .
something inside tells me this is for the best as , as I said things were not great .he always put his hobbies and friends before me even thou I told him I was lonely and just needed a litttle affection , he promised he would and still nothing , so now that he is gone what should I do ??? any advice or opinions welcome please ???

December2012

Do you want him back?

You said you begged him back because you didn't want to be a single mum.

And if he comes back, what will be different?

You should speak with a counsellor, either by yourself or with him.

dafunk

You have tried your best by the sounds of it. It seems he has no interest in communicating with you. This childish moodiness and giving you the silent treatment is at best an immature way to behave at at worst it's controlling.

Maybe this is a opportunity for you to think about what it is you want, need and expect from your partner and does this man provide you with these things? You might come to the conclusion that you don't actually want him back.

ash23

OP I was a bit like yourself a few years back. In a crappy relationship and accepting sub standard treatment for fear of being a single parent.

The reality though is that it is far scarier to think of being stuck in a dead end relationship for the rest of your life than being a single parent.

I'm not sure what kind of support you need. I know for me when I was in the early days, I was in total denial. Acceptance brought a new heap of questions about how to manage financially, benefits, how to deal with access to the kids etc. There will be plenty who can advise you on that but first off you need to wait for the shock and denial to wear off.
Also, don't put all the blame on him and don't put all of it on yourself either. It just wasn't working and the best way to keep it amicable for the sake of the kids is to see that while it hurts like hell, it is the best thing for you all, long term.

You'll need to tell the kids that he has moved out. Not telling them is, imo, just a delay tactic. It's not telling them because you think he's not actually ending things. Same applies to telling your family and friends. You are going to need them so much over the next few days, months and years.

I'm 4 years the other side of this now and being a single parent was a walk in the park compared to the stresses and strains of the toxic relationship. Myself and my daughter built ourselves a new life, a new family of two. It has been tough doing it alone, I won't lie. But a happy tough. Like doing a really hard job that you love and get great satisfaction from if that makes sense?

I also took some time out from things to get back on my feet. I was single for 4 years, almost to the day but recently have met someone who I think will be part of my happy ever after. And even if he's not, hell, that's ok. I know I can do it on my own and that means I will never have to stay in a crappy relationship out of fear of being alone. Being alone isn't so bad.

Chin up OP. Just take it a day at a time.

LittleBook

guest345 wrote: »

he left twice bfore and I begged him back for fear of being a single mum ... something inside tells me this is for the best

I'm a great believer in the gut. When you're at your most confused, distraught, shocked, there's still a little part of you that knows the truth of the situation, the trick is just to learn how to listen to it.

Honestly OP, reading what you wrote, I'd be breathing a huge sigh of relief that he'd moved out, it sounds like a horrible way to live. Being ignored for weeks on end, being threatened with desertion if you rocked the boat, being deprived of any sort of affection ... I'd be glad to see the back of him personally.

The best thing you can do now is focus on yourself and your kids. No doubt they will miss him terribly and, presumably, his problem is with you not with them. So you need to decide which is the best way to proceed for their sake and your own.

As Ash has said, and I can concur, sometimes being a single mum is much, much better than being in the type of partnership you describe. Don't underestimate yourself!

P. Breathnach

Hi OP.

I presume there was once something good between you, and it is sad that it is now lost. And it's not easy looking at the prospect of life as the lone parent of two children.

But I think that you should not want him back or accept him back as he now is. The behaviour pattern you describe is not right for a loving relationship. I suspect that he has problems that he needs to address, but he's not the person who has come here for help.

For everybody's sake, you should try to handle the break in as civilised a way as you can manage. That means that when you are ready (I hope fairly soon) you will need to communicate with him about financial arrangements, what to do with various possessions, and most important of all, his role as a father.

If he ever says that he wants to return, obviously you will need to consider that. I suggest that if he wants to start over, you make it a precondition is that there is a substantial counselling intervention. There is no point in re-creating a bad situation.

LegacyUser

hey folks thanks so much for your replies , before I read the replies i must have rang him 40 times , just to know he was ok. He didnt answer ,he eventually text to say he will be back to collect his stuff . The replies you all gave made a lot of sense and yes its true I was very unhappy but willing to gloss it over to keep the family together , knowing in my heart it would never work . the main thing is for me the kids feelings , I don't want to break their hearts , he is a great dad , but I always felt he would interact with them and not me and this made me very unhappy , I know I deserve more .


Just about the last time he moved out , he came back and agreed to go to counselling with me , right up to the moment we were about to leave for the appointment , then he tells me there's no way he's talking to a stranger , so I left it at that .

Piliger

Hi OP. I really don't go along with the blame game here. This was clearly a completely failed marriage and although you tried hard to make it work, it was doomed. In a relationship it is the combination of the two people, the chemistry, that is mostly to blame and not one individual.
Concentrate on the practical things of caring for your children, reaching out to family and friends who will be happy to help you recover.
This is a terrible trauma, but time will help you heal and you WILL recover.

December2012

guest345 wrote: »

Just about the last time he moved out , he came back and agreed to go to counselling with me , right up to the moment we were about to leave for the appointment , then he tells me there's no way he's talking to a stranger , so I left it at that .

Well maybe telling strangers that he left his wife and kids is easier than trying to sort out problems?

Counselling will be easier on you both than it will be on your kids.

Edited as: toddler did a wee everywhere!

Back to where I was OP, counselling now may help you get along better, which is important because you will always be in each others lives, and as hard as this on you, it will be harder on them.

For this reason, would he go to a counsellor? Not to reconcile, but to talk.

nowyouresix

OP: Wishing you well, and sorry things have worked out like this for you, but tbh I'd grasp this opportunity to begin a better life for yourself. You won't feel like it now, but it gets easier as time goes on. Being a single parent is very hard, I won't deny it, but it is doable. If I had my time back, the first time my ex husband left, I would have just let him go, instead of worrying , like you are about being a single mom. It wasn't your choice, but , compared to feeling like you're worthless and walking on eggshells all the time, it is far better! Your children will cope much better having a happy mom, which I know you probably feel you'll never be, but, again, believe me: you will.
In summary , all I can say is....grieve it, focus on yourself and your kids, and things will be okay.
Best of luck !

LegacyUser

HI guys thanks for the replies , it really helps coming here and reading the replies so thanks again . sorry about the heading ,it should read "devastated" but I don't know how to edit it .
Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions , I've had moments where I felt so strong , looking forward to rebuilding my life , then boom the next minute , panic .
But overall I do know in my heart I was not happy and have to get on with it hard as I know it will be .
Its funny that I thought I had to beg him back and just get the family back together , but actually after thinking about it and advice on here ,I actually stopped and thought of "me " for a moment , and what "I" want and need , and it certainly isn't to go back to the kind of relationship I had .
I know it's gonna be very hard but Ive got to take it as it comes , I haven't tried to contact him at all since this morning , neither will I try to. I feel now if he wants to walk out on us without even trying well that's his loss .
my youngest child today (4) suddenly burst out crying , saying he misses his dad , i felt like crumbling there and then , but instead I started playing with him and he soon stopped , I know there are hard times ahead but I will have to make the best of it.

LegacyUser

I'm just not sure where to go from here , can anyone advise me what to do now ? I have accepted its over , still no word from him , I have texted and rang him telling him the kids miss him , but still nothing . just don't know waht to do now , financially etc . don't know if he wants to see the kids again or not . if he does how often should he take them ? also anyone know how much he should provide maintenance for the kids , he is in full time employment , thanks for any replies.

P. Breathnach

Slow down. This is a new circumstance for both of you. His head is probably wrecked, and yours is too. You are not going to get the practical matters sorted out in 48 hours. If you get them sorted out in 48 days, you will be doing well.

daisybelle2008

guest345 wrote: »

I'm just not sure where to go from here , can anyone advise me what to do now ? I have accepted its over , still no word from him , I have texted and rang him telling him the kids miss him , but still nothing . just don't know waht to do now , financially etc . don't know if he wants to see the kids again or not . if he does how often should he take them ? also anyone know how much he should provide maintenance for the kids , he is in full time employment , thanks for any replies.

As the other poster said slow down and don't be trying to sort everything out this red hot minute. Relax, don't ring or text him, especially not to say the kids miss him, he already knows this. You have spent far too long trying to get this man to show you love and affection, it has become a habit. Don't get into the habit of doing this on behalf of your children. He is a grown man, he cannot be guilted into being a better husband or father.
Put yourself first, treat yourself well and feel the weight that is lifted. It must have been exhausting trying to manipulate this relationship to get a few crumbs of affection or interaction from someone who clearly was not interested. You don't have to do that anymore, be grateful for that.
Let him sort out what he needs to do to be a good father, mediation can help with that.
As a single person, I cannot imagine why anyone would want to put up with a one-sided loveless shell of a relationship that you describe. I guess as there are kids involved it makes a difference. Although to me that would be a bigger impetus to leave. I would not want my kids to think that settling for a loveless, sexless, communication free marriage is something that should be done for 'their sake'. Why would they want that burden?

Piliger

Hi OP. I am really happy to read how you are starting to adjust. I have been through a really traumatic year with a terrible family upheaval and it took me quite a while to scramble and scrape through it, emotionally.

Start with family and friends. Let them in and let them help. You are not alone. Start with normal every day functions. Kids, school, housework, cooking. Start with the simple things. That will empower you to start looking at where you stand for money for the next few weeks, and friends and family can help you make initial enquiries about your legal and welfare rights.

You cannot afford the luxury of worrying about him or his plans or how he is feeling. He has taken his actions and now you must take yours. Don't contact him. Let him sort himself out. You have yourself and your children to dal with, that is more than enough. I suspect you may hear from him once he realises you are not begging him to come back :rolleyes: and you will need to be strong when that happens.

Take each few days at a time, and do talk to the kids. They need a story they can use in their minds to explain his absence. he is away on business or not feeling well or dealing with some business issues or something, depending on each's age. Avoiding it altogether just causes them to fill the void with even worse scenarios.