Parents fighting, house falling apart

LegacyUser

For about the past 3 months now my parents haven’t spoken to each other. Mainly the fathers fault. One evening the mammy asks would he mind fixing the door that’s about to fall off he said he would then got in the car and drove away for the entire evening and when she he came home she asked where he was, she replied “out” she then got annoyed and asked what was his problem etc and he hasn’t spoken a word to her since.

About 3 months on she is beginning to crack up, considering moving out.
Aunts and uncles have tried to reason with my day but he refuses to speak to any of them about the matter. When visitors come around he acts as if everything is completely normal

The mothers at a total loss as to his behaviour and therefore so she refuses to wash, cook, clean.. Practically the house is falling apart.

We have been living in this house about 5 years and it’s a total tip. There is no driveway only gravel, scrap metal lying around everywhere, rubbish, flowerpots, slates, pallets everywhere. The house is new but no-where close to being finished. Wires still hanging out of the walls, unfinished fireplaces, unfinished pavements, grass growing almost into the doors, makeshift steps, it looks as if the house was only recently built. Nobody seems to want to live here anymore, except of course my dad

He has been an unemployed builder for about the past 2 years but seems to have lost all interest in the house. All he seems to care about is the wellbeing of the few sheep we own

Money is very tight. Neither parent is employed and now any cash that comes into the house not shared between them

There are 3 children in the house, I'm the eldest and just about keeping things together. I lived in college till recently and am now looking forward to 3 more months of this crap.

The mother can’t move out because she has no where to go and no money to rent

We live about 2 miles outside of the town and personally I would love to live in town. I hate living in the country where is boring all day every day, needing a car to get anywhere, all the people I know live in town houses.. but, on the other hand I don’t want to move out because I don’t want to leave my dad who I get on with fine and also he is far to stubborn to sell this hole that so much energy was put into to build it.

The situation is such that everyone is feeling like **** at the minute (especially my mother) and no one knows what to do about it

Any opinions?

LegacyUser

It sounds like your father has just given up and is not coping. He has put so much energy into this house, as you say, but yet hasn't been able to see it through to completion because of being unemployed. That's a very tough situation to be in when you feel all your efforts have been futile and what you've been working towards hasn't had a successful outcome and you don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

This recession has caused many people to feel trapped and powerless to change their situation. Many people are stuck in jobs that they don't like or in negative equity and can't move, or trapped in unfinished houses / ghost estates. This feeling of powerlessness if allowed to continue can and does have detrimental effects on people's mental health, their relationships and the lives of those around them.

While some might suggest your father talk to a counsellor, he doesn't sound like the type that's open to this type of intervention but certainly it could be worth his while talking to his GP. Yet sometimes, instead of talking, what people really need is practical support. Could you and your siblings possibly try to help him try to tidy up around the house outside, could you get some money together for a skip and just try to clear up the place? Could you ask your uncles or some of your father's friends to help out with some of the odd jobs and start getting the place into some kind of shape, bit by bit. You say you get on with your father so maybe if you start showing a little motivation and enthusiasm, he might follow suit and you could both work together and try to tackle some of the issues step by step, and get him to show you some of the skills has. It's just a thought, I don't know how realistic it will be but don't let your father continue to carry on like this without some type of support, be it from you, your family and friends or his GP.

Ainekav

Could you try and talk to your mother and make her see that you need her support? Are you managing all the washing etc yourself?

Was your parents relationship turbulent before this fight?

I would try and see your friends etc as much as you can and make sure you are talking to a friend - you need some support and it doesnt sound like you are getting much. Give yourself a break from them whenever you can and take the other siblings with you if at all possible.

I wouldn't blame your mother for moving out - and in a way that might be best if she could afford it etc, at the very least to release some of the tension in the house.

Some changes need to be made and fast.. I would definitely talk to your mother and try to make her see the effect this is having on you and the younger two. If you are bored and have lots of free time, maybe you could make a start on making the house more presentable? that might be something very small that could be accomplished this summer.

Im sorry I cant be of more help but I do know what its like to have parents fighting and nowhere to go to get away from it. TAke care of yourself and make sure you are talking to someone about it.

Rhys Essien

She should call in to the nearest Citizens information office and tell them the story(its all in confidence) and what she wants to do now.

http://centres.citizensinformation.ie/

Help IS there.(She could get rent supplement/money etc)

All the best.

edellc

It seems like your parents marriage could be over which is very sad as from reading your post money and loss of jobs seem to be the main culprit

Firstly your mother is probably not used to your father being at home all day and secondly your father is not used to being there so they are probably getting on each others nerves

I think they both need an outlet and someone to speak to, but your mother is probably more open to this than your father as he seems to be bottling things up .

As you are the oldest and have a close relationship to your father I do think that it should be you that tries to motivate him, as you know and see what is going on and your not a child anymore, do try start doing something to improve the house and garden and if you have uncles ask for help, working with you dad you may even have a chat about the situation, stranger things have happened

As for your mother, does she have any sisters or a friend you know of that she gets along with, and if so any chance you could give them a ring and a heads up of whats going on and ask them to pop over but not let on they know, talking about stuff helps and it seems neither of your parents are talking to anyone

The other thing to remember is that when you have been with someone a very long time, you hit bumps in the road and it may be that they have hit one of these also, yes they dont talk but how long has this been going on for? sometimes you need to let your annoyance and anger settle and then it will all come to a head and they will have it out and come to the conclusion that they are either in this together come what may or need time apart, this is just part of grown up long term relationships also

And if the house is falling apart as you put it then get off your back side and clean it and get your siblings to do the same, your parents have been looking after you all since the day you where born and at the minute it seems like they need someone to look after them and that falls on you as you are the oldest and you are aware of it so do something about it

tbh

your dad sounds like he's going through a tough time - not to excuse his behaviour, but maybe explain it. I know a lot of guys who were builders who are out of work now feel like they are less of a man because they aren't providing for their family.

If I were you, I'd try to kill two birds with one stone - give your dad back a sense of worth and get the house sorted at the same time (plus kill your boredom!)

tell your dad you want to learn some basic DIY skills. Make up a list of stuff you think needs doing around the house, and then ask your dad to show you how to do them.

Beruthiel

tbh wrote: »

I know a lot of guys who were builders who are out of work now feel like they are less of a man because they aren't providing for their family.

Aye.
He's clearly given up.
His life has fallen down around his ears and he does not know how to handle it.
Mentally, that can be a right strain and the world looks black.

OP
At this stage, your Dad needs to see a GP.
What are the chances of that happening?
I'm going to assume little to no change as he won't even talk to your Ma.
She has clearly tried and now has resorted to trying to make him snap out of it by laying down tools herself.
A war of the wills, where there are no winners.

Are you able to talk to him at all?
Telling him calmly how this is hurting you and your siblings might get him to do something.
If you do approach him on this, do not use the word 'you' when explaining things. It would sound like you are accusing him and it will get his back up.
Explain it from your point of view.
It hurts me, I cannot cope with the atmosphere. etc....

I really hope it works out for you.
Best of luck.

looksee

All the siblings get stuck in and clean the place up. Not just the outside, though it sounds as though it needs it, but do your washing, clean up the kitchen, hoover the floors. Your mum is overwhelmed, give her a bit of help and get her on side, and she will then have a bit of energy to try and deal with your father.

She probably feels responsible for doing the housework, but that doesn't mean that the rest of you get to skive off and leave her to it. And you are not doing it 'for' her either, you are doing it because it needs to be done. It is desperately tiring to have to look at an endless mess when you just haven't the energy to do anything about it.

Plenty of advice already given about your father, get him interested in clearing up outside, ask for his help, ask him to show you how to do stuff. He may need medical intervention, but its likely that he will not go for that. Try and fix the door you mentioned, he will probably tell you you are making a mess of it and take over. This is not an opportunity for you to get aggravated and sulk, its a sign of progress.

Your siblings have to help, give out jobs and get them onside to do them. Explain that this is a crisis and their help is needed. Don't concern yourself with who is at fault with your parents, don't take sides, don't get involved with money except to get in groceries. This is your summer project, good luck.

Abi

looksee wrote: »

All the siblings get stuck in and clean the place up. Not just the outside, though it sounds as though it needs it, but do your washing, clean up the kitchen, hoover the floors. Your mum is overwhelmed, give her a bit of help and get her on side, and she will then have a bit of energy to try and deal with your father.

She probably feels responsible for doing the housework, but that doesn't mean that the rest of you get to skive off and leave her to it. And you are not doing it 'for' her either, you are doing it because it needs to be done. It is desperately tiring to have to look at an endless mess when you just haven't the energy to do anything about it.

Plenty of advice already given about your father, get him interested in clearing up outside, ask for his help, ask him to show you how to do stuff. He may need medical intervention, but its likely that he will not go for that. Try and fix the door you mentioned, he will probably tell you you are making a mess of it and take over. This is not an opportunity for you to get aggravated and sulk, its a sign of progress.

Your siblings have to help, give out jobs and get them onside to do them. Explain that this is a crisis and their help is needed. Don't concern yourself with who is at fault with your parents, don't take sides, don't get involved with money except to get in groceries. This is your summer project, good luck.

These points I feel are very important. Don't take this the wrong way OP, but I don't think you should be sitting about hoping that things will fix themselves or how to escape the problem. Your Dad sounds very worn down, and it looks like Mum has been at the receiving end of it.

I think you and your siblings should pull together, draw up a list of responsibilities and tasks that need to be done, and try involve your parents. I think they may feel lost in a never ending list of things to be done, and drowning in it. If you all pull together it may ease the load, and it may encourage chat between them.


I hope things improve soon for you all.

LegacyUser

Alright, thanks for the opinions, it gives me opportunity to add to what i left out in the first post

i have a small part time job that just about keeps me ticking over but it means i'm away from the house 9 to 5 every day
the house was always a kip, even at the best of time's. My mother is naturally a "headless chicken" type only the these days she is worse.
I do help as much as i can around the house, hovering, washing and cleaning but even when i'm not here the place becomes an awful mess because my mother is just that type that doesn't keep a tidy household. she has no control about the house like any other mother i know.

i don't think that the house is all the problem, a weeks hard work on the fathers behalf would make a massive difference around the place. but he is just so content with living like a pauper or traveler, i think he's happy with his lot at the minute, except for the unemployment. I've tried many times to get him to hire a skip but he thinks dumping is a waste, "the scrap metal can by recycled, the old tires are worth a few bob, the broken wood and pallets can be burnt and the slates, bricks and broken ceramic can be used to build up the land a bit (were built on a hill)" but I'l try harder to get a move on anyway but our house is so vast is extremely difficult .

the fathers behavior has been going on for years, just at periods at a time, all coming from a tiny argument. and they only way the conflict is resolved is if the mother breaks down and admits defeat even if she is in the right. and this time she is standing up
some think its downright bullying, others think its medical, and some think its just the way he was raised.

he wont speak to anyone and them mother is talking to everyone she know and no one can understand what is wrong with him. he acts absolutely normal to everyone except for her.