Forever single

LegacyUser

Well as the title says, I'm one of those people that is forever single. I'm 29 now and very aware that 30 is looming and I've never had a serious relationship. I really truly don't get how I've gotten to this stage and it just hasn't happened

I would be considered to be pretty and would get compliments on my looks from random guys etc. I'm a size 10 and I have a job that I love (although I'm still only getting started in my career - it took a while to figure out what I wanted to do!) I had a good upbringing with parents who were deeply in love (although my father passed away when I was quite young) and even though I'm an only child, there were lots of cousins / friends around so I was never on my own. I'm still close to my extended family and I have lots of very strong friendships from both school and college - all of my friends from different parts of my life have now become good friends with each other too and we often go away together. I've travelled to lots of places and had amazing experiences with them and it's a joke among my friends that I'm going to be a bridesmaid many times because of all of the close friendships that I have!

However, my relationship experience consists of the following - I kissed a few boys as a teenager but didn't have a proper date until college. Since then there's been a few short term flings lasting between a couple of weeks to a few months - I didn't lose my virginity until I was in my early 20s. Most of these flings didn't work out due to timing - many of the guys were from abroad or I met them when I was travelling so nothing ever got off the ground. I've literally never had a guy call me his girlfriend This kills me.

I've tried to do all of the things that I'm supposed to do. I've gotten involved in different things to broaden my circle. I tried volunteering and I've also tried internet dating. I've met guys online but there's never anything there (and I do often go on second dates just to make sure that I don't write people off too soon!) I don't think I'm that emotional like many other girls are though. I've never felt strong feelings for anyone and I've never been in love (or near it for that matter!)

I know that I can be a little shy when I meet new people but I can always hold a conversation. One problem that I've found which is a little weird is that people think I'm 'posh' because I'm well spoken and I'm from a nice area. I've been in situations where I've been friendly to other Irish people abroad and once they hear me speak they completely dismiss me based on that. I lived abroad for a while to do a course with other Irish people and while I became friends with most of them, there was an attitude from some of the girls because of where I was from. One of my friends did tell me that most people perceived that I had lots of money because I was well spoken and had nice clothes (which was not true at all - my family would be middle class like many other families in Ireland. I also buy most of my clothes in Penneys!) So I don't know if this is something that puts people off me - that they just get an impression about me before getting to know me.

I'm in a situation now where my friends and cousins are starting to settle down and I'm the odd one out that's always on my own. Older female relatives have started to wonder aloud why I'm single. I know that I'm fussy - not in a bad way where many girls judge a guy on a his car or something! - but I don't put up with a lot of the nonsense that other girls put up with. For instance, I have two cousins who have both been cheated on but they were willing to marry the guys anyway. Many friends put up with their boyfriends saying inappropriate things to them and also have silly arguments and dramas that I couldn't be ar*ed putting up with myself. I also wonder whether losing my dad at a young age has had an effect on my relationships with men. That maybe there's just something fundamentally broken in me that I just can never be a 'relationship person'.

It really feels that the universe just doesn't want me to be in a relationship - my dating life so far has consisted of silly meaningless flings that end cos of timing, boring dates with guys where there are no sparks and bad chat up lines in pubs. Nothing ever works out and I never seem to meet anyone decent and who is also living permanently in an area near me!

I just don't know what to do! I feel like I'm just crap at life because of this and I think that even if I did get into a relationship, I wouldn't know how to be in one. It's like I'm just too old to start a first proper relationship. I'm so maternal - I love kids - and I'm just devastated at the thought that I might not get to have them.

Sorry I know this is long winded! I just want to know what do I do? I'm sick of feeling like this and sick of being in the same situation. I just want to be normal.

dellas1979

First of all, you are 29, and it is very sad and if a little silly (mean that in a nice way) to be thinking that you are too old.

If you are starting out defeated, by your own thoughts and mentality, then you are defeated before anything even happens.

You need to come to terms first with its ok to be single and not have had a meaningful relationship. Its ok! It just hasnt happened for you yet. And the word is yet.

Keep trying! The alternative is to give up. Maybe have a break from "man search" for a while, because you seem exhausted and frustrate from it, and come to terms with the above.

Edit: There is no magic answer to feeling annoyed and frustrated about it all, unfortunately. The strength to go on, without a man, or the right man, comes from within and something you should concentrate on more.

LegacyUser

Hi, reading your post I felt I really had to reply. I'm a 28 year old male in pretty much the exact same situation. I have a good job and lots of good friends. Have done lots with my life including travelling but never have had a real relationship. So your not the only one in that boat. And yeah it gets me sometimes, especially as I get older and people around me are settling down.

I just try and focus on being happy and trying new things and imagine at some stage it will work out. I would rather continue to be single and happy rather than get in a relationship for the sake of it and be unhappy.

I don't have any magic solutions for you (because I'd be using them myself!) but it might be a bit of comfort to realise its not that unusual!

LegacyUser

Hi singlegirl,

I'm in a similar situation except I'm a lot older than you so believe me you still have plenty of time. I also lost my father at a young age and I discovered recently through counselling that this had a much more profound effect on me and my life that I had previously realised.

I have a deap-seated and subconscious fear of getting into a commited relationships due to lack of trust, fear of abandonment related to my father dying suddenly when I was very young. All my life I have been attracting the wrong guys, the ones who don't want to commit or for some other reason are not available for a relationship, due to location or other reasons. Although I never saw it at the time this suited me just fine because I also was not able to open up to someone and commit, if I did meet a decent guy who wanted to be with me there was never a spark, we didn't click, etc. and I finished it, again this was my get-out clause or my defense mechanism to avoid getting close to these guys. All my friends have settled down now and everybody has been wondering and asking for years why I was still single but I'm finally getting some answers during therapy and already my behavior is changing with this new-found awareness and insight and I'm more hopeful of meeting someone.

Losing a parent as a child has a fundemental impact on how we view relationships and go on to develop them, since you mentioned losing your Dad maybe you do feel there is something there and in that case I would suggest counselling to at least talk it through and either dismiss if it's not relevant or work on it to overcome it.

Good luck!

dgt

OP you are not too old. 29 is still very young!

People that judge you by clothes, accent and all that jazz are not worth bothering with. I am a firm believer of getting to know the person rather than just appearances in those circumstances

Try not to focus too much attention on the man hunting. It looks to me that you are worrying yourself thinking about it. My parents didn't settle till 35 for example. I've heard of people settling down in their 50s even (although a tad extreme) it shows that age isn't everything.

Tone down the man hunting for a while and you will feel much better. Who knows, you might meet mr right when you least expect it

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I know this is incredibly unhelpful advice, and I used to roll my eyes whenever anyone said it to me, but it WILL happen and - just to bring out even more cliches - it'll be when you least expect it. Just going to share my story, hope this helps and it doesn't go against the rules of the forum or whatever (I'm not a regular poster in here)

I just turned 30 last month and identify with every letter of your post. Had a boyfriend in secondary school (for a year and a half - very long term when you're 16!), but apart from that was just random dates/one night flings/unrequited crushes all my twenties. I was really, really starting to get paranoid about being single, not aided by all the "so when are you going to meet someone?" comments from friends etc. Felt like I had this big sign over my head saying "WARNING! SINGLE PERSON APPROACHING!". Didn't understand what was wrong with me (that's how I perceived it - there was obviously something deficient in me that repulsed men or something): had travelled lots, loads of hobbies, great group of friends etc.

Anyway, a few weeks ago was going away with some old friends for the weekend to do some outdoorsy stuff and one of them brought one of his friends along with him. Like I said: the LAST thing I expected when going away to this remote place with my tight-knit friends wearing my oldest fleece clothes and hiking boots was that I'd meet someone. But lo and behold, the guy who came along and I really hit it off and the rest, as they say, is history Of course, that was only a few weeks ago, so not saying this is going to be the great love affair of the century or anything, but in the meantime I feel like I'm dancing on air - in my hiking boots - and it's really knocked the "no man is ever going to find me attractive or want to spend time with me" thinking on the head!

Kevster

Hey,

I'll be brief with my own tale: I'm also 29 and 'lost' my virginity 'properly' when I was 27, I think. I first kissed a girl when I was 18 or 19 and it was also at university/college. Before my current partner, the longest relationship was 8-9 months, but this current relationship is looking like it is going to last...

I'm quite attractive (get many comments) but my problem has always been social anxiety. Anyway, I made a concerted effort to improve things (incl. romance) and in the space of a few years I had countless dates and 'flings', but now have finally found the right person.

So, don't give up hope... you have to let down your defences a bit and take chances on people that you might not previously have.

Take care and best of luck,
Kevin

Lux23

I am the same really, I turned 30 last month and I have had quite a few boyfriends over the years but it's been a long time since any became serious. I know my issues though but I am beginning to think I may not be cut out for a relationship. Not everybody is.

LegacyUser

I hope I give you hope by telling you I had my first proper boyfriend at 35. As in the first guy I ever lasted more than a month and a half with, introduced to family, went on holidays with, etc. And let me tell you it is just wonderful to have finally met someone I really really like and can truly be myself with.

Not that you will have to wait until 35 I hope...

Unfortunately I have no magic formula I can see as regards how I finally ended up in a 'proper' relationship. One thing I did do, though, was to start accepting that I was single and actually telling people I was single. I used to always make up some story or avoid questions about boyfriends, etc. I also stopped saying to myself 'When I am perfect I will have a boyfriend'. Nobody is ever perfect and my boyfriend loves my faults as they make him feel better about his own.

So just get out there and enjoy your life. Get to know new people. And don't fret!

And I do know that is easier said than done. But go for it!

Nothingbetter2d

boards should really organise a singles night meetup for fellow boardsies to go and maybe even hook up with each other

Taltos

Nothingbetter2d - your post is not appropriate to this forum.
Please for your own continued access to PI/RI take the time to read our charter and post accordingly.

Thanks
Taltos

a fat guy

If you've never been in love, then how can you be so certain that a relationship is for you?

I've never been in a proper relationship myself and honestly don't think that anything less than a huge amount of affection would pull me into one.

I'm not sure how it works for women, but I'm a lad and I've only gotten a load of attention from girls when I went out with an "F this, I don't give a crap anymore" attitude. I didn't go out for the ladies, nor expect to get a kiss or anything like that, but it ended up like reverse psychology or something... So maybe that'll work for you too?

Edit: Oh, and of course if you just go just out to have a laugh, then you'll rarely be disappointed! They're a dime a dozen with the right crowd!

Fentdog84

I might not be the best to give advice as i havent been in a serious relationship myself for a few years but i think a lot of it comes down to your outlook, what your prepared to put into finding/keeping that someone, and a little luck.

I think i am what you might call a sociable loner, and i think yourself and people in a similiar situation probably are aswell. There's nothing wrong with being that way, lots of people are its just that there is a difficulty in letting people get close to you and to really open up.trust can be another issue. If you are in social situations or out on dates or whatever, try to just relax and enjoy the moment rather than making judgmental thoughts about them or yourself in the situation. Or dont dismiss people too easy, no harm going out on a few more dates with them, even if it might not work out. But i dont there is any magic formula, just to stay positive,have fun, and try not to take it all too seriously.

Starokan

try and lose any negative thoughts like "its never going to happen for me" etc etc

Of course it can happen for you. The way you are going about things seems fine to me , your joining social groups , internet dating etc. As long as your putting yourself into situations where you are open to meeting someone then chances are it will come about.

2 things i would add, if you come across someone you really like then ask them out yourself don't wait to be asked, also you could try an actual dating agency as opposed to internet dating.