help/advice with my situation?

LegacyUser

I'm not sure if it's the right place to be posting about this but maybe someone can help.
I'm not depressed i don't think but i am unhappy in allot of ways, i've taken the right actions to correct the things that make me unhappy but in ways it's all action of doing rather than emotion.
I've had a wonderful two days of feeling just feeling alive rather than dull and was at ease. There were moments in the last two days that situations that were stressful didn't impact how they normally would. That was all going ok until a call there with the gf and she got stressed over xbox working and in an instant i felt just back to how i've lived my life for the last year at least. I felt numb, like glass came down over my heart and body as a defensive action.
I finished the call and i said in my head and then out loud to myself that she was not stressed or annoyed at me but towards the xbox not working. It didn't change anything, i still feel how i feel, having felt great and to go back to this is horrible. I'm tired of living my life this way.
I think this kind of defensive action in my head started when i was a kid and my dad kinda messed me up by treating me like an adult and telling me things i shouldn't know at a young age. I've done cbt and it did help to an extent but i cant afford it right now and god there comes a point where you think, why cant i just feel? feel like a normal person. I had 2 days of it and now i'm back. I feel like that joanna newsom lyric in a 'fist fight with the fog'. I can understand intellectually what's wrong but cant figure how to fix my emotions.
I might go to a doctor but you know anti depressants may be the prescription and i've been on them before years ago but dont feel this is it at all. It feels like an inability to cop with certain stressful situations and even those i cant even quantify or grasp which situations.

edellc

can I ask what you where doing over the two days that made you not feel stressed or bogged down with life

Also maybe just questions you need to ask yourself
but how is your relationship, is it what you want, do you make each other happy?

what about work do you enjoy what you do for a living and if not what is it that you would like to do and how do you change to doing that?

you have been to cbt and have been on anti depressants before so you know the signs and you know what causes certain issues and what you should be doing to help yourself therefore you know what you should be doing - go to your gp and seek the help that you need, you know that anti depressants help and are not for life but help at certain points in life so maybe its time to go back on them for a while, and figure out what else you need to adjust to give you the life you desire

Op do be aware that we all have stress in our lives and all crave at one point or another to be someone else or live a different life and the trials of life do bog us all down from time to time, its not unique to you its just how you deal with it that makes the difference

you seem like a bright guy and know that life doesnt have to be as described so I hope you seek the help you know you need and take control of your life back

Peace and love OP x