mean sister?

LegacyUser

Ok so this is going to sound so petty and it is but it is wrecking my head and I need to vent and also see if you good people think I am over reacting or not

I live in the same city as two of my sister, two of us dont drive and one does, each of us that dont drive live a 10min drive away from the sister that does drive but in opposite directions.

When ever we go out as a family, the driving sister collects the other sister without her ever having to ask, she does not do the same for me. Over the years if I have ever asked for a lift I get either a straight up NO or if it is a yes then it comes with a very aggressive amount of abuse and when she does collect me I am in fear of my life as she drives in such a temper which is clearly down to not wanting to collect me. When she does collect me I always give her petrol money, the other sister never gives her this.

I am the oldest and I feel over the years when ever this sister has had any issues or needed any financial assistance or family support, that it has been me that has given it, sometimes she asks me, other times I offer. I do this as family means a lot to me, which I have come to the conclusion is down to the dynamics of my family and the soap opera existence which I seem to live in with them. I dont really want to go into great detail unless I have to so will leave it at that for the time being.

It all came to a head a few weeks ago, as my family by which I mean (my aunts, cousins and my sisters and smaller nephews where meeting up - sounds like load of people but in fact was less than 10 people) my sister who drives rang me up to let me know where they where going, however as I dont drive there was no way of getting there other than a bus and a train journey to get there....so I said that although I would love to go I didnt really have anyway of getting there and let a silence hang in the air hoping that she would offer a lift, but she never did so they all went out and the sister who drives collected the other sister no problems and I didnt go

I am finding it hard to deal with this situation as we lost our mother recently and I cherish any time I can spend with her sisters and the family as a whole as it makes me feel close to my mother, and as they go out every weekend to places I cant get to I feel isolated and alone. I have explained this to the sister who drives and she seems to get it when I say it to her but then her actions are the opposite to what she says when an outing occurs.

Since the incident a few weeks ago I have stopped having contact with her as I find her behaviour very mean and spiteful and feel that she has no need to behave like this towards me, I also want to point out that she stopped speaking to the other sister for 5mths during which time I acted as a peacemaker and eventually got them chatting again which is how it should be, but feel that after not speaking to someone for 5mths and then becoming their chauffeur again with no problems while I am always there for her yet I am the worst in the world if I actually ask for anything let alone a lift is just plain mean.

I feel that I am being cut out of the family by her and if and when I say anything to my aunts about this behaviour its dismissed and I am the one causing issues not her, so I dont think going to them and speaking about it will work...I am at a loss as to what to do or if I am doing the right thing in not having contact.

Today was mams anniversary and they where going to the graveyard which is an hours bus ride away from me, the sister did offer me a life but I didnt want to take it so didnt as I feel that she just doesnt get how mean she is being to me and I feel she only offered the life due to the day that it was and it would look bad in front of the aunts if she didnt offer me one...they did seem a bit annoyed at me for taking so long to get there but I feel that I really couldnt take the lift and I am still really disappointed at her behaviour the other week and feel deeply hurt about it and if I took the life today then it is saying that I am ok about being treated like that when I am not.

Thanks for reading, hope it is readable and your words of wisdom are welcomed.

ANXIOUS

Have you a medical condition stopping you from driving?

Salty

Is there any way you could learn to drive yourself OP? It seems like it would be a necessity for you...

Have you ever asked your sister why she sulks so much when you ask for a lift? Maybe if you asked what the problem was, you could fix it somehow. There doesn't seem to be any indication about what exactly is the problem with driving you to family events, and it is very good and generous of you to give her the money for the petrol. But how do you know that the other sister doesn't give her petrol money? Maybe she helps her out in other ways.

The only thing I can suggest is call your sister and break this silence. Have a proper adult conversation and ask why she is so hesitant about driving you somewhere she and the other sister would also be going anyway. Don't be confrontational about it as it won't help.

sam34

so, despite saying you "cherish" the time spent with your aunts, you didn't go to the gathering a few weeks ago because you would have had to take a bus and train to get there but you wouldn't cos your sister didn't offer you a lift.

and when she did offer you a lift you did the martyr act and took the bus instead.

how old are you?

and why aren't you driving yourself?

and, if you can't/won't drive yourself, you should accept that you will have to be independent and get public transport, not rely on others to chauffeur you around the place.

Idle Passerby

I have to agree with the general sentiment of the other replies. Your all adults here and your sister is not obliged to be your personal taxi service. Maybe she offers lifts to the other sister because she doesnt act like she's entitled to be ferried around. If you really need a lift somewhere that your sister is also driving, whats stopping you getting a taxi to her house rather than expecting to be collected. Since you say you have the option of getting buses and trains where you want to go Im guessing your not stranded out in the sticks without transport anyway.

Valentina

Could you not have gotten a bus or taxi to your sister's house and joined her from there for the journey for your mum's anniversary?

I have a relative that lives about half a mile away from me. At first I gave them lifts whenever it was needed but then they started looking to be collected and dropped off at places miles out of the way and usually in the opposite direction to where we were going. Petrol is very expensive at the moment not to mention the wear and tear on the car. It may seem mean but these things all add up. Add in the time spent sitting in traffic and the fact I could never have a drink at get togethers because I was expected to drive others there and back, I began to resent going anywhere with family. Maybe your sister feels this way too?

LegacyUser

OP here

The reason I don't drive is because I just can't afford it, I am working and putting my toddler in creche and paying the rent but after all that I am living on the bread line, driving was never an issue before as I lived in the city but where I am now its out of the way and buses aren't that regular.

Secondly I never ever expect a lift off her never, but when someone rings to say there are going to such a place and am I coming knowing full well how awkward it is for me to get there and when they are driving the other sister, to not offer a lift is mean

I didnt go to the family outing as I didnt fancy being on transport with my toddler for nearly 3 hours to get there, spend two hours there and have a 3 hour journey home, when it would have taken her 45mins to collected us all and get to the place they where meeting.

It may seem like I am being a martyr but seriously I was not, I just dont want the drama anymore and I have never had a problem with public transport but like I said the past year I have had to move and now live out of the way but still only 10mins from my sister less than 10mins tbh and there is no traffic over to me as its a straight run down the motor way, my sister also doesnt drink so thats not the issue

As for the other sister giving her money or other stuff believe me she doesnt, as I said they didnt speak for over 5mths due to the one who drives getting pissed off at the other one for not going up to her on new years, it was all just stupid stuff and the one who drives annoyed because she couldnt control the situation

TBH I feel she has anger issues and is so very aggressive it can be quite scary, she likes to have control over people and I do feel this is her way of getting control over me, as a few years ago I lost my job - recession and stuff, lost my apartment due to this and ended up pregnant by my long term partner and she seemed happy about this(not the pregnancy but the other stuff) , she is also very very jealous and is always throwing it in my face that I have a partner and how easy my life must be because of this (with our toddler) as she is a single mother, and now that our mother is no longer here she actually has to look after her child rather than off load her on her granny...I have offered to collect her from school or take her at the week end to give her a break but she just wont do it, although her kid is quite mean also and likes to hurt things and is always kicking and hitting my toddler when ever she is here, she is 7 my toddler is not 2 yet, she also has no issues driving friends or random people in her estate here and there to do shopping or drop their kids to school but then rings me and moans about them and her so called friends she has reported to social welfare as her best friend is claiming loan parents but living with a partner, yet she calls this person her best friend?

I have spoken to her about why she doesnt like collecting me as she always gets more than what the petrol for the journey costs and once we get there I always buy her a cuppa or pay for the parking, and as far as I can make out she is teaching me about the hardships of life?? as when she had a toddler she had to get a bus all the time so its only fair as she sees it that i struggle and why should she make life easy for me?? again I find this mean as I would never want to see any of my family struggle and if I could make it easier for them I would and do.

When she got her social apartment I was working so bought her a washing machine and I went with her to get all her stuff, whenever anything breaks my OH goes over to fix it for her (getting a taxi) She hated the fact that I did well in life and when my parents broke up I financially supported my terminally ill mother as my father just abanded her and I havent seen or spoken to him over a decade at this stage, and the social wouldnt give her money as he wouldnt say he didnt live there anymore it was a mess.

I dont want thanks for anything I have done I just want her to behave like a sister, and actually be there, I never borrow money from her, even though now I am worse off than she ever was, but it is what it is so why complain we have our health

Oh and the other sister does act like she is entitled to a lift as the car was owned by my mother before she passed away and my sister just took it when she died. I remember sitting on the stairs of mums house and her rubbing her hands saying..yes I get the car while the other one was thrilled as she was the only one living at home so she claimed the house..no will, so maybe they are two peas in a pod I dont know...but I never got anything nor did I want to be a vulture

I think I am right in cutting ties, the heart ache I feel from this nasty behaviour is awful and the way she behaves is just not normal.

I know what you all have said but you really only know half the story which is my fault I have been vague, but I dont think I am entitled to anything I am not that egotist, maybe I am idealistic as I really do feel that when the chips are down your family are suppose to be there for you not trying to push you off the cliff at every available opportunity while treating strangers like they are gods

username123

Why dont you learn to drive and/or use public transport?

Your post comes over like you have an expectation of your sister to be there to drive you about yet you dramatically announce that you are in fear of your life when she does drive you.

Big Bag of Chips

Why don't you learn to drive?

It is a terrifying prospect at first. It is also a bit expensive... But if you live somewhere and you often need to be somewhere else then driving yourself is the best option.

You sound a little bit "woe is me". When your sister offered you the lift, you should have offered to take a taxi to your sister's house and take a lift with her from there, rather than taking public transport the whole way

You annoyed your aunts by turning up much later than everyone else, and no doubt your sister had told them you refused a lift.

Regardless of her behaviour towards you, the only bit they see is her offering a lift, you turning it down and arriving much later than everyone else.... Unnecessarily. Which is why maybe they side with her?

Learn to drive. The freedom it gives you is wonderful.

edellc

OP I think your sister sounds like a bitch tbh

There may be many reasons why you dont drive, not everyone can afford it, or maybe you do have a medical issue that prevents you from doing so and the fact that she lives just down the road and can offer the other sister a lift but not you does seem very mean

From what I have read you had reason to not want to get a lift to the graveyard and if it was my mothers anniversary I wouldnt want the drama of it nor would I want to accept a lift from someone who refuses to be there for you the rest of the time and only on this occasions maybe she did it due to the day that it was nor maybe she she did it to not come across as a bitch to your aunts, I have known people like this I call them street devils house angels who knows but it is just mean

Maybe you could have taken the lift for the day and be done with it after that, or maybe you just wanted to remember your mother without the drama who knows

Unfortunately we can choose our friends but not our family and maybe you just got a dud card with her, stop with the woe is me and get on with life if you want to see your family do but do it on public transport, screw her and screw her car and maybe look into learning to drive yourself

And stop being there for her so easily she seems to take advantage of your good nature, while treating you like something she trod in, stand up for yourself girl and take no s*it

dellas1979

I would have taken the lift offered and made a point of saying how helpful it was to you.

Is it a case of logistics with the other sister? Maybe she lives in the direction she was going?

looksee

Sounds like typical sisters stuff to me, six of one and half a dozen of the other.

If you are not going to drive OP you should be prepared to get taxis, especially to your sister's house. Have you any idea how much it costs to run a car? How do you know your other non-driving sister does not have another way of paying for 'petrol' - and how do you calculate it?

Are you sure you have never commented on your sister's driving? Even when you are 'terrified'. You have never just mentioned the state/age/comfort of the car? Never got a little dig in about her picking up the other sister first? How often in a week, say, would you expect your sister to 'just do this', or take you somewhere?

And the business about your mother's anniversary was just childish on your part. You winge to your sister about how lonely you are etc then don't take an offer when it is given! And as for the meet-up, was there no-one else who could have picked you up?

This is the way your life is. You can continue expecting your sister to wait on you, you can learn to drive, you can be prepared to spend money on taxis, or you can move house. If your sister was to move away you would not have a great deal of choice, it might be a good idea to get a bit independent now.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe your sister offered the lift as a way to break the ice and put things back on an even keel? Just a thought.

Either way it sounds like you have a troublesome relationship with your sister. That being the case, the wisest course of action for you would be to pull back a bit from things. Maintain a cordial but more distant relationship with your sister. Don't get involved in family spats or the ongoing soap operas. Sometimes you'll get no thanks for helping and that could be the case here.

Clearly giving you lifts is an issue for your sister. The most logical solution would be for you to try and get around without having to ask her. Is there any particular reason why you don't drive? Or why your other sister doesn't drive either? Odd and all as it may seem to you, some people can become quite resentful of having to give lifts to others who don't drive.

Neyite

OP, I had a similar situation growing up and well into my twenties. One of my sisters practically hated me as children, and as adults made it clear she had no interest in pursuing any sort of a relationship with me. And it was just me, the other siblings got treated well by her, and got lovely gifts for their birthdays, (I got pre-loved regifts :rolleyes:), invited to visit her and I got continually left out of everything.

It hurt. It really hurt and confused me. I never did anything to her, but right up until my late twenties, I stupidly would look forward to her annual visit home to the folks, and get hurt all over again when she would go on girlie shopping trips with my other sisters, or nights out, and exclude me.

The day finally came where I realised I had to cop on. I was hurting myself by expecting her to treat me with friendship and kindness when she never had. I was expecting her to display an affection for me that she didnt possess. So I decided to give up trying. I was civil and polite to her when we had to speak, but I did my own thing, and it was the best move I ever made.

I would advise you to do the same. Stop being in a situation where you have to rely on her and she has that power to make you feel inferior. Dont give her that way to hurt you.

Stop assuming she will give you a lift when she gives your other sister one. For some reason she resents it, and therefore you. Just accept it and even if she offers, thank her but tell her you have already made your own arrangements. When your two sisters are going somewhere, dont assume you will be asked to go. That way you wont be disappointed.

But dont fall out with her. Make your plans with the family you do get on with, and invite her along if you feel that you are expected to, but dont expect her to attend. To that end, learn to drive, or arrange a lift with someone who is happy to help you, but not her.

In my case, in my thirties, my sister saw the close relationship I have with my other siblings, and wanted to be a part of that. So she became friendlier to me, and we have a friendship of sorts now.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies, I think the earlier ones are fare enough but as I said I was only pointing out one issue and not the whole story so the sympathy towards her was to be expected.

however if any of you lived next to her I am sure we would see posts entitled neighbour from hell or if she was your friend (i use that term lightly) maybe you would be uncomfortable about her attitudes towards different nationalities or her nastiness towards those that are doing well and maybe her endless self pity and one up man ship may get to you, who knows or maybe thats something that you all may find acceptable I really dont know, buts thats another thread and soap opera of dramas seriously the writers would love me

I have never expected a lift from her nor have I expected anything else, she is just resentful for some reason towards me but I really dont know why

I think writing it all down has helped me put things in perspective and I really do think it is her and not me being nasty and yes she is mean, I feel it best to cut ties and be civil when needs be

Also I have said I never learned to drive as my apartment never had a parking spot and as it was in the middle of the city centre I never needed to drive either as public transport was in abundance...stupidly never thought I would loose it all and have to move to the suburbs and on one bus route...I'm living within my means at the moment and can't move just yet tied into a contract plus where I would like to live and where I can afford to live are very different

I don't have anyone else to ask for a lift as the rest of the family( just my aunts) live in the city centre and collect one another and I suppose because they do it with no problems and enjoy their car journeys they just presume that us as sisters should be that supportive and enjoy some time together also...the other sister doesnt drive as she lives beside the luas and has a couple of bus routes takes

The only reason I need a lift some times is down to where they are meeting up and if any of you have travelled on public transport with a toddler then you will understand how stressful it is and see how I opt out of it sometimes, also I ususally have to get the bus into town which takes about an hour and then the bus/train/luas to where ever it is that they are meeting again this can take an hour or so depending

But I agree with Neyite and it is a troublesome relationship, she sees the close bond I have with our baby sister and hates it and tries over and over again to make a split, and I think having the sister all to herself while in the car and letting me slog it on public transport makes her think that they have this bond, so so be it

I did have a nice time at the graveyard even though it took a round trip of 4hours whereas theres was an hour and a half, and I was glad to visit my mother and have a peaceful and safe journey there and back

Time to let go I think and stop letting her silly childish games and attitude effect me

cheers for the replies

Faith

heavy heart wrote: »

however if any of you lived next to her I am sure we would see posts entitled neighbour from hell or if she was your friend (i use that term lightly) maybe you would be uncomfortable about her attitudes towards different nationalities or her nastiness towards those that are doing well and maybe her endless self pity and one up man ship may get to you, who knows or maybe thats something that you all may find acceptable I really dont know, buts thats another thread and soap opera of dramas seriously the writers would love me

I have never expected a lift from her nor have I expected anything else, she is just resentful for some reason towards me but I really dont know why

Maybe she senses your dislike of her? You seem to have nothing good to say about her at all. She's mean, petty, racist, prejudiced, bitter, resentful, begrudging, self-pitying, has badly behaved children... I wouldn't want to give you lifts either if you were saying things like that about me. Even if you've never said it to her face, I'm sure your actions have betrayed your feelings on occasions, and I'm sure she's picked up on it.

Now, whether your feelings towards her caused her behaviour, or her behaviour caused your feelings is a question for another thread, but the upshot is you don't seem to like her at all, and thus can't be surprised that she doesn't bend over backwards to help you out with lifts. I think it seems pretty obvious why she's resentful towards you, based on what you've posted on this thread.

LegacyUser

believe me when I say that I really dont let these feeling be know to her, my other sister thinks the same as me too.

I love both my sisters dearly and this one does have good qualities, she is hard working and when she chills out she has a good sense of humour, I have always had a lot of time for her and when ever she rings me and has no credit I always ring her back and even is she needs to sound off for over an hour on the phone I listen, I dont have any dislike for her but I do dislike how she judges people and yes at times I have said that I dont agree with such and such especially when she is racially abusing people and saying how "they" are robbing all the jobs and claiming all the welfare which is just not true, but my other sister does the same and tbh is probably more confrontational towards her than me.

She was in an abusive relationship a few years ago ( she was just as violent towards him as he was towards her) however everyone wiped their hands clean of her but I didnt as I felt that if I wasnt there for her then she would end up dead, in prison or a really really bad drug addict, and I felt as her sister I just couldnt just do nothing so I listened and was there for her, I was also there for her when her OH went for custody of her child it was me that was in the courts with her, and it was me that went to england when she got into trouble by sleeping with her ex, it was me that went with her to counselling when she was sexually assaulted by our father when she was an adult and it was me that propped her up when our mother died, I did this because I love her and its what you do as an older sister, its your job...I do find it totally petty that she has such resentment towards me and is constantly pushing for me to break up with my partner and is totally against how we are rearing our son, as a family member you want your family to be happy and something so petty as a bloody lift and not giving one to family outings while ringing to tell me about them knowing I cant get there is just stupid

I have said more than I should have but you see there is more to the soap opera than meets the eye, yes she has every reason to be angry due to her life choices and things that did happen out of her control, I get that and I know you take your anger out on those that are closest to you rather than the person who deserves it

But it is hard to be the punch bag all the time

thanks have vented enough now im going to go back to being a big sister

dellas1979

So the issue isnt about the lifts at all then...you dont like her. And you feel she doesnt like you.

From your last post, you are kind of looking down your nose at her, and I would be 100% sure she has picked up on this. You'll think she started it and she'll think you started it.

You could always ask the 3rd sister if she knows what is going on.

LegacyUser

I think it's a tad unfair to suggest that the OP is looking down on her sister. She sis say in the very first post that she has always been supportive of her and always there for her, and given some of the extra details that would appear to be true. I think the OP is put out by the fact that her sister doesn't reciprocate and I think it's only right to question any relationship which seems to be a two way street.

Is it possible your sister is envious that you might have a more stable life situation and the fact you are always in a position to offer help and support, so might see you as a bit high and mighty, even though that may not be justified?

tinkerbell

OP why do you continue to do nice things for your sister when she clearly has no appreciation of it at all? You shouldn't be buying her washing machines, sending your OH over to hers to fix stuff, etc. You are being a total doormat. Your sister clearly has some sort of issue with you and doesn't want to be your chauffeur. Move on.

Also, have you considered that since you and your other sister live in opposite directions, if she has to collect one sister (10 mins), drive back to collect other sister (20 mins) and then drive onto location, then that's adding at least 30 mins, maybe 40 mins depending on which direction you are going to.

username123

heavy heart wrote: »

When ever we go out as a family........

Why DO you go out as a family with someone that you so clearly dislike? And that your other sister also dislikes? It sounds massively dysfunctional.

I think it would be far better to cut ties. Dont delude yourself that all the nastiness is one way, relationships take two to tango.

Leitrim lass

I'd ignore suggestions that it's YOU the one with the problem here OP or that you dislike your sister and look down your nose at her and hence the reason for her being nasty with you.
Your sister doesn't sound like a very nice person. That's the reason she treats you like she does. She is also possibly jealous. Although she has taken any help and support that you have given to her in the past it doesn't necessarily mean that it will bring you closer and that she will be grateful towards you. She probably resents taking help from you.
OP, stop looking to your sister for affection. She won't give it. Stop asking her for lifts, because it puts her in a position of power over you and it makes you feel like sh*t.
I know you want to have a relationship with her more so now that your mother is dead, but try to realise that she has already decided (long ago by the sound of it) that she is not interested in having one with you bar the dysfunctional one of using you as a doormat.
Stop making yourself available to people like this and they can't hurt you.