Does it matter??

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Regular poster here going unreged for this. I met a lovely guy a few months and we starting seeing each other regularly a couple of weeks ago. We have a lot in common and get on really well and I could see it turning into something serious. Last night we slept together for the first time. So this is were things started to go wrong, he's really small and can't maintain an erection for very long. Not too much of a problem I thought to myself there are plenty of other things we can do to each other.

This morning he got up, made breakfast brought it up the bed and was fully of apologies saying he should have told me how small he was etc. We chatted about it for a while and he told me about different treatments and things he had tried (about ten years ago) and nothing worked for him. I told him not to worry about it there are things we can do and try and there are other ways he can pleasure me. To which he replied I did that a couple of times with a women and didn't like so I don't do it.

I know sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship but I like sex and don't know if I could be in a relationship where I'm not going to get to be satisfied by my partner. And the fact they he is happy for me to give him oral pleasure but he won't do the same for me is kind of annoying.

Am I a really bad person for thinking like this? Is he being unreasonable? As I said I really thought this relationship could go somewhere but is there anypoint in carrying on?

Ickle Magoo

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP.

Being incapable of sexually satisfying you with his penis and on top of that refusing to sexually satisfy you with one of the few means left would be a deal-breaker for me. It's more than enough you were willing to forgo the enjoyment of the kind of sexual relationship you like and offered to meet him half-way - his refusal to meet you in the middle means you have a choice between bad sex or no sex - which isn't a great choice.

Sorry OP.

dellas1979

Not to be crass or anything, but how small is it?

Also, again not to be offensive, but is he Irish? Genetically speaking, some guys from certain cultures can be smaller than others.

Edit: To answer your question, if sex is important to you, then yes, it does matter.

nowyouresix

OP: that's a real deal breaker for me....
I'd be out of there like a greyhound out of the traps. Sorry for being so blunt!
Best of luck !

Elmidena

Remind him that although you're willing to work on the issue, he has to realise that you are NOT the woman he "tried with and didn't like". If she didn't like it, well I HIGHLY doubt she's wired the same as you, what bored her could drive you wild! But if it was him not liking it, then why do you have to suffer for his immaturity? I know there's the matter of "not being comfortable with something" and therefore don't do it, but this sounds more like "not being bothered with something" to me! Size ISN'T everything, but tbh this story sounds more like his attitude it more of a mood killer than his "handicap".

It could be down to years of mental conditioning "ah sure I can't please women anyway why should I even bother trying" but if you show him you're willing to work around the problem so it's not an issue, he should at least be willing to try it. It sounds to me like he's written himself off but is completely fine with you pleasuring him. He needs confidence OP, but he also needs a kick in the bum as you're mature enough to talk about it in an adult manner and come up with solutions whilst he just shot them down. It is early days ofc, but keep in mind that the leopard more than likely will not change his spots and down the line you could feel VERY frustrated and resentful of him.

Herrick

Is there any chance the previous women he tried oral with errr... shall we say tasted bad?

If thats the case maybe have a shower together before sex and then see if he'll try it?

If he's just too lazy but at the same time happy to receive oral from you then I'd say tell him to fcuk off.

December2012

Maybe it's a case of a self fulfilling prophecy? He thinks he's bad in bed so he never tries properly to be good in bed.

Sex is an indicator of communication and partnership. If someone is selfish in bed they will be selfish in life.

Breakfast in bed is not the same!

Tigger99

His unwillingness to compromise on this makes me wonder if he would be stubborn on other issues that may arise (no pun intended). He just seems very black and white about things.

Piliger

As an older guy who over the years was never a really big guy, and who always had inconsistent performance, I ensured that I made up for it in the many other areas that please a woman, so that the woman who was with me was more than satisfied and happy. That is how I see it should be dealt with, myself.
This guy is unfortunate, and none of us would wish to be in his shoes, but the bare minimum he has to do is make the extra effort to balance what he CAN'T do by learnmg about and delivering the pleasures to a woman in all the ways he CAN.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

Thanks for the replies. We've been speaking on the phone today and he is coming to mine for dinner on Tuesday. So we'll chat about it then and see what happens. If he's totally opposed to other forms of sex then I guess he is just not the man for be sexually, emotionally or even in general if he is that stubborn.

Thanks again.

Beruthiel

DoesitMatter wrote: »

To which he replied I did that a couple of times with a women and didn't like so I don't do it.

Bye, bye then.
To me, it would be no biggie which way he attempted to satisfy me as long as all avenues were explored.
The fact that he couldn't be arsed even making an effort on your first time does not bode well OP.
I mean, isn't that when a new partner attempts to pull out all the stops?

dellas1979

Hi OP - still intriugued to my questions, if you want to reply to them, but in any case, best of luck.

Taltos

dellas1979 - please take the time to review our charter.
The OP is under no obligation to answer any question here and your latest post is in breach of our charter, hence the infraction.

Do not ask for updates/to be kept updated - this prevents threads turning into blogs or soap operas for others amusement and avoids putting pressure on the original poster to return to the thread.

Thanks
Taltos

Lorna123

DoesitMatter wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Thanks for the replies. We've been speaking on the phone today and he is coming to mine for dinner on Tuesday. So we'll chat about it then and see what happens. If he's totally opposed to other forms of sex then I guess he is just not the man for be sexually, emotionally or even in general if he is that stubborn.

Thanks again.

Gosh, I think it is dreadful to be having a conversation about the size of this man's anatomy. It makes me cringe, so imagine what it must be doing to him. If you like/love someone you like them for who they are, warts and all. You don't make an issue out of this which will make him feel worse. This man must be suffering enough as it is. As you say yourself there are lots of things that you can both do, but nobody should have to do something they don't like, if he doesn't like oral sex then he shouldn't feel that he has to do it, but if the sex is more important to you than the man himself then you better say goodbye to him.

Missy Moo Moo

Lorna123 wrote: »

DoesitMatter wrote: »

Hi OP here,

Thanks for the replies. We've been speaking on the phone today and he is coming to mine for dinner on Tuesday. So we'll chat about it then and see what happens. If he's totally opposed to other forms of sex then I guess he is just not the man for be sexually, emotionally or even in general if he is that stubborn.

Thanks again.

Gosh, I think it is dreadful to be having a conversation about the size of this man's anatomy. It makes me cringe, so imagine what it must be doing to him. If you like/love someone you like them for who they are, warts and all. You don't make an issue out of this which will make him feel worse. This man must be suffering enough as it is. As you say yourself there are lots of things that you can both do, but nobody should have to do something they don't like, if he doesn't like oral sex then he shouldn't feel that he has to do it, but if the sex is more important to you than the man himself then you better say goodbye to him.

Sex is a very important part of a relationship, without sex it's just a friendship. The OP has stated to him that the size or the ability of his manhood is not an issue, the issue here is his unwillingness to satisfy her through other means, be that manually or orally. Especially considering he expects to receive oral himself.

OP, I think the excuse he has used is a cop out and to me it suggests a selfish or lazy lover. If he wasn't willing to rethink his attitude, then that would be a deal breaker for me.

Lorna123

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Sex is a very important part of a relationship, without sex it's just a friendship. The OP has stated to him that the size or the ability of his manhood is not an issue, the issue here is his unwillingness to satisfy her through other means, be that manually or orally. Especially considering he expects to receive oral himself.

OP, I think the excuse he has used is a cop out and to me it suggests a selfish or lazy lover. If he wasn't willing to rethink his attitude, then that would be a deal breaker for me.

I didn't think he was not willing to satisfy the OP by other means just by one particular thing i.e. oral sex. The OP did it for him and he wasn't going to tell her to stop because he thought she liked doing it. He doesn't like doing it, so he shouldn't have to do something he doesn't like doing.

Missy Moo Moo

Lorna123 wrote: »

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Sex is a very important part of a relationship, without sex it's just a friendship. The OP has stated to him that the size or the ability of his manhood is not an issue, the issue here is his unwillingness to satisfy her through other means, be that manually or orally. Especially considering he expects to receive oral himself.

OP, I think the excuse he has used is a cop out and to me it suggests a selfish or lazy lover. If he wasn't willing to rethink his attitude, then that would be a deal breaker for me.

I didn't think he was not willing to satisfy the OP by other means just by one particular thing i.e. oral sex.

Sorry I obviously missed that bit where the OP said that he was willing to do everything bar oral. Either way, it's a bit rich of him to refuse oral when he receives it himself. I stand by my opinion of this being a deal breaker.

ihsb

To be honest. Bar oral or penetrative sex, there isn't much that will get most girls off without the use of toys etc. It would bother me that he isn't willing to do the work for you to be satisfied. Sex is such a huge part of a relationship that I would run a mile. Even if he did oral I would struggle with the lack of penetration.

Lorna123

ihsb wrote: »

To be honest. Bar oral or penetrative sex, there isn't much that will get most girls off without the use of toys etc. It would bother me that he isn't willing to do the work for you to be satisfied. Sex is such a huge part of a relationship that I would run a mile. Even if he did oral I would struggle with the lack of penetration.

I didn't think this man said he wasn't willing to do other things, just oral sex. I didn't think there was a lack of penetration either, just comments on his size. Size and what men don't do would not bother me. I would be more interested in how this man treats me in general. Breakfast in bed was a nice gesture not to be dismissed, but he got no recognition for this. If he was loving and tender in bed that would float my boat. That's me for ye.

Missy Moo Moo

Lorna123 wrote: »

ihsb wrote: »

To be honest. Bar oral or penetrative sex, there isn't much that will get most girls off without the use of toys etc. It would bother me that he isn't willing to do the work for you to be satisfied. Sex is such a huge part of a relationship that I would run a mile. Even if he did oral I would struggle with the lack of penetration.

I didn't think this man said he wasn't willing to do other things, just oral sex. I didn't think there was a lack of penetration either, just comments on his size. Size and what men don't do would not bother me. I would be more interested in how this man treats me in general. Breakfast in bed was a nice gesture not to be dismissed, but he got no recognition for this. If he was loving and tender in bed that would float my boat. That's me for ye.

Lorna123, where does it state he refused only oral sex? And the OP did not make comments about his size, she said she did not mind and that there were other ways he could satisfy her to which he refused with a cop out excuse.

Also, you may not mind a lack of sex or oral or whatever and you may be more interested in a platonic type relationship where the sex is secondary, and that's great. But it's blatantly obvious from the OP that sex is important and being satisfied are important to her. And in regard to the not getting "recognition" for the breakfast in bed, what do you mean?

Meauldsegosha

Lorna123 wrote: »

I didn't think this man said he wasn't willing to do other things, just oral sex. I didn't think there was a lack of penetration either, just comments on his size. Size and what men don't do would not bother me. I would be more interested in how this man treats me in general. Breakfast in bed was a nice gesture not to be dismissed, but he got no recognition for this. If he was loving and tender in bed that would float my boat. That's me for ye.

The OP said he wasn't able to maintain an erection for very long that would suggest to me that penetration wasn't an option. If he's refusing to preform oral it doesn't leave much else. And all the breakfasts in bed wouldn't make it up to me.

OP hope the Tuesday went well and you were able to talk about the situation.

Lorna123

DoesitMatter wrote: »

Hi all,

Regular poster here going unreged for this. I met a lovely guy a few months and we starting seeing each other regularly a couple of weeks ago. We have a lot in common and get on really well and I could see it turning into something serious. Last night we slept together for the first time. So this is were things started to go wrong, he's really small and can't maintain an erection for very long. Not too much of a problem I thought to myself there are plenty of other things we can do to each other.

This morning he got up, made breakfast brought it up the bed and was fully of apologies saying he should have told me how small he was etc. We chatted about it for a while and he told me about different treatments and things he had tried (about ten years ago) and nothing worked for him. I told him not to worry about it there are things we can do and try and there are other ways he can pleasure me. To which he replied I did that a couple of times with a women and didn't like so I don't do it.

I know sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship but I like sex and don't know if I could be in a relationship where I'm not going to get to be satisfied by my partner. And the fact they he is happy for me to give him oral pleasure but he won't do the same for me is kind of annoying.

Am I a really bad person for thinking like this? Is he being unreasonable? As I said I really thought this relationship could go somewhere but is there anypoint in carrying on?

He brought the breakfast up the next morning, and what I mean is that this was a very nice gesture.

This is not a debate about what you think versus what I think Missy Moo Moo, so let's let the OP come to her own conclusions having read the posts.

ibarelycare

Lorna123 wrote: »

He brought the breakfast up the next morning, and what I mean is that this was a very nice gesture.

This is not a debate about what you think versus what I think Missy Moo Moo, so let's let the OP come to her own conclusions having read the posts.

So you think breakfast in bed should make up for all the sexual problems?

Dark Phoenix

OP to be honest it wouldbe a deal breaker for me. Its not just that he is small and has trouble its the fact that he also cant be bothered to try and satisfy you in other ways. In other words it seems to be a case of put up with it because he doesn;t like anything bar what he is unable to do properly

Lorna123

DoesitMatter wrote: »

Hi all,

Last night we slept together for the first time.

Maybe you are judging the situation a bit too harshly too soon. You only slept with this man once. It takes a while to establish a good sexual relationship and it is often not great the first time. Give it a chance.

username123

Wouldnt care less about the size of his manhood if he was willing to be open minded and try other stuff.

A bad attitude is a thousand times worse than a small endowment.

Wouldnt be bothered trying to establish good sex with someone who behaved like that first time out, ie, refusing to give oral having received it.

Id have no interest in a bf if the sexual chemistry wasnt good early on. I overlooked it in my early 20s and look back now and realise how rubbish it was to be in a bad sex relationship.

Now is the time that you want to be jumping off the wardrobe in your wonder woman costume and not able to keep your hands off each other - otherwise whats the point?

Breakfast in bed? So what, my granny would bring me breakfast in bed. If he isnt willing to have you scream the house down in multiple orgasm, then why would you be bothered?

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Well he came to mine for dinner on Tuesday and tried to talk to him about the previous night he said he didn't want to talk to about it as it wasn't an issue.

I maybe wasn't clear in my first post he can only maintain an erection when receiving oral so penetration only last less then a minute. He told me it had been this way for years and he looked into it when it first happend but nothing worked so he hasn't bothered since. This was ten years ago. So on Tuesday he stayed over and the same thing happend again only this time he rolled over and went to sleep there after I had satisfied him but I got nothing. I know some people will think I'm being selfish but I want what I want. I'm 37 years old and not going to be treated like that.

So the next morning I raised the subject again and said medical science has come a long way maybe there is more we can look at now but he wasn't having a bar of it. I then started doubting myself, was I to blame, did I repulse him so much he couldn't keep his erection. I tried the issue with respect and maturity and if he can't do the same he's much of person really and I deserve better then that.

So I guess its back to drawing board. There must be some funny, thoughtful, caring, decent men out there I guess I'm just going to have to keep looking.

ihsb

DoesitMatter wrote: »

OP here again.

Well he came to mine for dinner on Tuesday and tried to talk to him about the previous night he said he didn't want to talk to about it as it wasn't an issue.

I maybe wasn't clear in my first post he can only maintain an erection when receiving oral so penetration only last less then a minute. He told me it had been this way for years and he looked into it when it first happend but nothing worked so he hasn't bothered since. This was ten years ago. So on Tuesday he stayed over and the same thing happend again only this time he rolled over and went to sleep there after I had satisfied him but I got nothing. I know some people will think I'm being selfish but I want what I want. I'm 37 years old and not going to be treated like that.

So the next morning I raised the subject again and said medical science has come a long way maybe there is more we can look at now but he wasn't having a bar of it. I then started doubting myself, was I to blame, did I repulse him so much he couldn't keep his erection. I tried the issue with respect and maturity and if he can't do the same he's much of person really and I deserve better then that.

So I guess its back to drawing board. There must be some funny, thoughtful, caring, decent men out there I guess I'm just going to have to keep looking.

Good for you! I couldn't cope with that sh!t anyway. The last thing anyone wants is a selfish lover. I hope you meet someone worth while soon OP. Good luck!

Elmidena

At least you know now OP, that it wasn't just nerves or whatever the first time. This is a deathtrap you'd be stuck with for the full relationship by the sounds of it! And in case you are thinking it, no you are not shallow. It's not his lack of genitalia putting you off, it's his lack of caring/equality in bed. He really hasn't been pulling out all the stops to impress you as you'd expect at the start of the relationship, but that just makes kicking him to the kerb that bit easier. Best of luck OP, and hope you find someone more than willing to satisfy you soon

Ickle Magoo

DoesitMatter wrote: »

I tried the issue with respect and maturity and if he can't do the same he's much of person really and I deserve better then that.

So I guess its back to drawing board. There must be some funny, thoughtful, caring, decent men out there I guess I'm just going to have to keep looking.

All the best OP, as you have found resolution, I'm going to lock the thread - if you do require any more advice on this issue just contact us in confidence to re-open the thread.

All the best.