How to cope

LegacyUser

I'm typing this in tears because I don't know what else to do.My ten year LTR ended under horrible circumstances and right now I'm completely lost.We were engaged.We own a house together and have to live together as neither of us are in a position to move out.He is in love with someone else although he still says he loves and cares for me.
I moved from another part of the country to be with him and now I am completely alone. Moving home isn't an option because my job is here.Right now he is gone on a weekend away with her and the pain I feel is indescribable.I keep going over all the things he did that hurt me and how well he treats this new girl,much better than he ever treated me, even though I try not to.
I have no friends here as most were mutual friends and they hang out with him and his new girlfriend,and I am unable to return home to visit that often as it is on the other side of the country.
It's the utter loneliness and this constant pain that's crushing me. Most days I'm just waiting for it to be time enough to go to bed.I still love him to bits although I know I shouldn't and it hurts so so much.I don't remember a day that I haven't been crying.

nowyouresix

So sorry to hear of your story. It's hard to see through the fog right now, but you will get through this.
Can you make arrangements to move out ?
You can't live like that with them in your face.
Don't be consumed about the way he treats her, be consumed about how you can be good to yourself now. When my marriage ended, sometimes I just had to sit on the floor so I wouldn't literally collapse. The pain is unbearable, I know, but things WILL get better, in time, believe me.
I know you say you're not in a position to move out, but it's important you get a clean break, not having him around.
He has moved on. I know it's harsh, but he has.
So must you.
Best of luck xxxx

blatantrereg

It's worth travelling across the country to have weekends away from that situation.

One or the other of you need to move out asap. This would be possible if you rent out any vacant rooms in the house.

He sounds extraordinarily callous. Most people would separate properly first I think, or at least have a clear plan on how to do so. Also not sure about what sort of woman would want a relationship with someone in his situation. They aren't nice people.

oh OP im so sorry to hear about your situation, its totally unliveable.

you will never be able to put this guy behind you as long as you have to live with him, and him shoving his new realationship in your face.

is there no one you could stay with for a while?
your mental health is going to suffer as long as you are in this house.

from what i can make out he found someone else? well, just go OP, anywhere. dont worry about the house for now, i would make it his problem right now, other things can be sorted out later.

in the long run, if it was me i think i would be looking for a job somewhere else, so i could leave it all behind.

LegacyUser

I feel for you so much. You're a stranger but I love to be there for you. Just to sit there, listen and comfort you through this very difficult time.

I agree with previous posters, you have to move out ASAP. Staying is hell. You just can't. Like other poster said, a room can be rented out to help pay towards mortgage, whilst you rent elsewhere. You have to do this.

I understand you shared mutual friends, but do you not see one of those friends a bit like your own? One you can confide in? Open to? You need to talk to somebody, preferably in person. I would make that journey home on weekends, to people that love you and who will be there for you.

Shame on your ex for putting you through this. It seems he has little to no respect. Take note of all the negatives and read them aloud to yourself.

You will get through this. You will. It's all about time.

Sending you lots of warm hugs. xxx

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies.I know I'm in a fog and can't see any light but the situation is quite complicated.We broke up initially two years ago because he was encouraged to do so by a woman he became friendly with.He moved out and I was devastated, and he started a relationship with her.When he realised she was crazy he came back to me and because I love him so much we tried again.But he kept contacting her and various other women and didn't try at all.I was the one desperately trying to salvage what we had.
Then 6 months ago he gave me an ultimatum and when I didn't give the correct answer he ended it.He had moved back in by this stage without discussing it with me but he is co-owner so I couldn't really stop him.
He then started this new relationship,and this girl is one of the women he was contacting.Now he refuses to move out.The thing is, I put so much into my home,it's all I have really and the idea of him and her setting up home in what I worked so hard for is soul-destroying for me.I know it's only bricks and mortar but I have nothing else in this place.He has had her here behind my back a few times even though we laid out ground rules for living in the house.
I have been looking for work near home but there are no vacancies,they are actually getting rid of people in my line of work so I am lucky to have work at all.I know by looking back at this I come across as weak and pathetic but I just feel broken by him.I just don't know what I did wrong.Thank you all for your advice.

dgt

OP I feel for you. That is a truly horrible situation. I can't even imagine how you must feel.

First my advice is to escape that environment. That is not helping you atall. I understand you are in an unfamiliar place. You need to move out, away from him. Seek an apartment in the place you are in (I also understand you have work there)

You need to talk. Talk to a friend, relative, a counsellor. Talking I find helps. Speak of how you feel, how you see this resolved, how you can move on.

You are not the only one. Many times this has happened to other couples. You just have to accept that's his choice, regardless of how bad it is.

All I can wish is you make the right decision for yourself.

Best of luck OP

mr_edge_to_you

Was in a very similar situation myself a few years back. Thought I'd never get back to normal. It'll take time but you'll be fine!

Anyway first thing you should do is go home to your family for a few days. Work will be fine - if the company have a HR dept contact them instead of your manager if you dont feel comfortable explaining the situation to your manager. Even if you could go into work on Monday and request Thurs and Fri off for personal reasons. That'll give you 4 days down home, assuming youre a country girl in the big smoke.

what you need to do is get time away from the house you share to process what has happened. If you're lucky enough to have your mam and dad back home spend a few
days with them or a brother/sister. But go home for a few days. It'll help massively.

I've said this before here but you will also discover that you actually have a few very good friends you will have your back until the day you die. There was friends who you fell out of contact while you were in a relationship and they'll pick up right where ye left off. Because that's what good friends do!

Living together isn't sustainable in the long term and house will need to be looked at but now isn't the time. You need a clear head to sort that and you won't have that for a few weeks. You will have options there and it'll be sorted, but that's for another day. I can tell you loads of stories about that!

Anyway head down home for a few days just so you can start to process what has actually happened. I cant emphasise that enough.

Tell one or two people who you are close to. A big problem I had was telling people publically that the relationship ended. I didn't want to tell everyone we broke up and then "supposing we sort it out" having to make another announcement. Waited months before I told my friends but once I did life changed in a way I never thought possible. An enormous weight was lifted off me. That was just over 6 years ago - I'm now 2 years married with a baby girl and I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I thought I knew what a happy relationship was - in hindsight I hadn't a clue what i was at.

Best of luck and keep the chin up!

I am a friend

Sadheart wrote: »

neither of us are in a position to move out.

Op its a terrible terrible spot you are in but one of you needs to move out... What is stopping him moving? Does he have family nearby. At least these mutal friends can put him up til he gets someplace else and you rent out a room.

I think you may not be seeing the wood for the trees and you need to see that you have options. Staying there with him wont change his mind you know.. TBH would you want someone who could treat you like that?

dellas1979

You poor poor thing.

You are far from weak and pathetic. You are just going through an awful hard time.

You dont stop loving someone at the drop of a hat. Emotions are not like a tap unfortunately. Would be great if they were.

You need to start thinking laterally for yourself.

Relationship is over. You own a house together and your job is making you stay.

A job is a job, right, and if you want to stay in it, do, but the house situation needs to be sorted immediately in order for you to start healing. Its the noose around your neck at the moment. What are you thinking about the house? Sell, take on the mortgage fully, move out, rent a room, let him take on the mortgage? You dont have to make a decision right now, but what are your options?

blatantrereg

Sadheart wrote: »

I know by looking back at this I come across as weak and pathetic but I just feel broken by him.I just don't know what I did wrong.Thank you all for your advice.

You dont come across as weak or pathetic at all.

What you did wrong was to become entangled with him again after he left the first time. That was a bad decision, but it doesn't suggest weakness.

Anybody would feel crushed in your current situation. You seem to be handling it well, all things considered. Everybody has limits though, and you really need to focus on changing your situation.

I understand how hard it is to walk away from the home you had put yourself into, especially knowing that another woman will most likely move in as soon as you do. Maybe your ex will move out, but he doesn't sound like the sort who would. It might be harder staying in the house yourself, even if he does. You got it for the life you wanted to have with him. Sadly you discovered he's not someone good to have in your life at all.

Not walking away before was what led to this situation. You are not losing by walking away. You can just let go and leave. Realise that what you had with him was just an llusion, as horrible as that may be: You dont treat people you care about like that. Realise that and turn your feeling of loss into resolve.

Podgers

Hi OP, almost a year ago i was in the exactly same position as you, 9 years LTR, a house, was engaged etc. i thought everything was going great until i found out she was having a relationship with someone else and it broke my heart. i felt confused, isolated, useless and hopeless. Right now the most important person is you, It was his choice to form this other relationship not yours, your not to blame nor should you be angry with yourself, you did the best you could to save the relationship and make it work

i don't know how you can physically stay in the house with him, even though both of you are not really in a position to move out something has to give. Is it an option that you can rent out the house and both rent out else were? or even start renting rooms out rather than the full house? Dont feel trapped by it, even though you possibly put alot of work into it its worth nothing and the end of the day if your not happy. i think this is the first thing you need to sort out because the longer you stay there you will never be able to move on and it will only break you more.

maybe try and keep out of the house after work, go for walks or gym, join an organisation or club were you will meet other people, good social interaction with other people will help you.

Not having any family or old friends near you is difficult, you need to talk, get it all out of your system, even write down how you feel and destroy it after. i found counselling very good. its important that you go through the emotions naturally, you will find days your great and other days you will feel your back where you were, but they will eventually fade out. be patient with yourself, there's no quick fix.

its a horrible situation to be in but after every night there is day, don't give up hope you will come out of this a lot better. Feel free to PM me if you want some one to talk to.

Steve

lynsalot

Hi OP

I was once in a similar situation to you. You'll be ok, I promise!! First things first, ask for time off from work. At least a few days so you can return home to give yourself a break.

Second thing, once he returns, ask to discuss renting out a room. Now, I wouldn't be quick to move out myself... discuss who should leave and personally I think it should be him considering he's happy enough moving on!! It leaves u in a very difficult situation. You need to agree on whose leaving, the price to rent the other room out. Think logically about ur needs. You need to distance yourself from this situation. Distance yourself from him emotionally. Get out in the evenings after work to give yourself headspace. Hit the gym, the pool, meet friends for tea etc. Get yourself busy and occupied.

When you've agreed the plan of action, get the place up on daft or one of the websites and organise for a tenant to move in. The price, the date and everything. As soon as this is organised you can start to rebuild and move on. To be honest, your ex has shown little disregard for your feelings. Try to separate emotions from the situation as hard as it is. It's how I coped. I came home went swimming for an hour and knackered myself out. Sat in the jacuzzi for 15 mins took a shower (A long on) all in all about 2 hours a night to myself with peace and quiet and away from the arguments. When I returned I was too tired for fighting and he was losing the head and I was very calm.

Right now u need to work on your confidence girly.... you spent 10 years with someone. You were committed, loyal, loving and that makes you an amazing person. You're capable of loving someone else and compromising. You deserve a lot better than you're been given now. Demand that you get it. As I said, a little break from work away at home will give you the headspace you need. Start doing the things u couldn't do when u were with him... just for yourself and no one else. You did the right thing posting here. Emotional support at a time like this is very important.

It's a shock now but the bodies response to shock is fight or flight and considering you're been in a ten year relationship you're definitely a fighter! It'll be hard but you're going to come out a much stronger person and btw this girl he's in love with, won't be around within 2 years!!! I can guarantee it... he'll be back to square one not knowing what he wants and you'll have learnt, grown, become stronger, more independent.

Keep in touch here and let us all know how ur getting on. Use it as an outlet and keep calm on the face of things. I know you'll be fine! It'll take time but in the long run, you'll come out of this a better person and u won't put up with arseholes treating you badly ever again!!

LegacyUser

I read a quote yesterday, I think it was actually from Johnny Depp of all people!

"If you love two people, choose the second, because if you really loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen for the second".

This hurts to hear. I know. I've been there. And I'm sorry to say it. But know that I'm saying it to help you, to help you become aware of your ex.

You deserve so much better. Whatever it takes, move out or him. Get legal advice. If it comes to you moving, you still make your new place your own. I understand it will be different but at least you'll be moving forward with your life. By staying is like choosing to live in misery. You have the choice. Everything will work out for you. You will get through this.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies.It helps knowing I am not the only one who has been in this situation, and your kind words and truths have helped. I am taking time off work and I'm going home to rest. I'm so burnt out now that I am just numb. I am just overwhelmed with the thoughts of a future alone and my self-esteem is rock bottom. I'll discuss the house with my parents and I will suggest we sell, although I am aware that the house will probably be on the market a long time, and we both will be left in debt. I don't really know how I will start again. Thank you all again.

Podgers

Hi OP, its good your getting that break its what you need. right now your in a survival mode, its really hard to see a future in a positive light, but in time it will happen for you. You will meet someone and it wont be like your last relationship, it will be a lot better, and as the other posters have said, you will meet someone that respects you and that deserves you.

With the house one of you could take it over, providing the bank will give it to one of you on your own, but if you could rent it out for the mean time it would be a help. a financial advisor will help you with it or the person over the mortgages in the bank ye are with, it might give some indication.

its really hard to accept and to visualise starting all over again, you feel down after all the effort you put in to get to this stage in your life. we get only one chance with life, but as many chances to restart our lives as we want. For me I found to get over that hurdle I sat down with a blank piece of paper on the table and a pen, and this was my canvas to create a life i wanted, hobbies places to travel to etc. its easier said than done but at some stage it will happen, just give yourself time

pilph

Podgers is spot on.

I was in a position where in mid-30's I was alone & wondering what was to happen next. I heard so many cliches like 'it will happen when you least expect it' etc.

I began focusing on the things in life I really wanted to do and not feeling guilty for doing them. I had become completely conditioned into believing that partaking in these interests was wrong.

I'm still single but feel a lot happier than when I was in the relationship, almost a year ago now & I'm enjoying the things I am doing in life. Over the last 3-4 months, small things have more meaning & the hurt is almost gone.

You will get to a point where that happens too, there might be days in the wilderness in between, but looking after yourself is the first step. Be selfish, mind yourself & treat yourself to a bit of life. We all deserve that :-)