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Feeling a bit stuck..
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15-06-2012 12:13pm#1
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StillIncognito wrote: »Very Difficult topic to be giving advice on.
Sexual preference is a small Part of a big life, in my mind it shouldn't be what defines you.
So take it easy
I tend to agree but these are all decisions we have to come to for ourselves. I am often struck by how some want to tell others what they should and should not do, especially on the issue of "coming out". Sexual identity is important, and sex itself great fun and a normal part of adult life, and I agree that I would not like to be defined by my sexual preferences, as they are just a small part of who I am.0 -
OMG reading the responses here it all seems so grim and tarnished for the OP! NOT SO, I’m not getting into the game of ping pong that seems to be so prevalent on this thread OP.
So many people approach Coming Out in so many different ways and we can only really rely on our own and our friends experiences. For me I didn’t Come Out till I was 24 and that was due to the fact that a relative of mine found out and I didn’t want her spilling the beans before I got a chance to tell my family. So you could say, I was a coward too until my hand was forced. Never the less I did it and moved on, as did my family once armed with the truth.
In many ways it’s a state of mind; you are Gay whether or not you decide to Come Out. If you do, you will be for a while ultra sensitive on losing your mask, as when you get a very short hair cut your scalp becomes sensitive to the breeze in the air around you until you become desensitized again.
Reading your post I can see you’re just grappling with the concept of everyone seeing you in a different light, they will and then they’ll move on. No matter what, I’m not going to lie, things will change. Things in life always do!!
Your first Kiss, Job, Partner, home…… life is full of firsts! It seems so difficult for you to see that now and anyone who has come out looks back at this very difficult stage of our/your life and knows what you are feeling; fear and isolation to mention two.
Maybe you just need to take it easy for awhile and try and not to stress yourself to much till after your trip and enjoy the moment.
We’re all here if you need to chat again and seek advice further down the road or maybe you just might happen to find a time that is just right for you to say your bit to the people you hold dear without forcing the matter.
Have a good trip. 0 -
StillIncognito wrote: »Very Difficult topic to be giving advice on.
Sexual preference is a small Part of a big life, in my mind it shouldn't be what defines you.
So take it easy
Pretty much along the lines of my thought as well.
Everyone is different and when I've looked for advice, the odd guy will say go and tell someone how you feel. That's not always easy if you're unsure and not confident about the whole coming out process.
I think once you have a grasp on the idea of it and are comfortable in yourself first, then you should go about telling someone in your own time when you want to, not because you think you have to.0 -
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A few quotes related to this question from Adrienne Rich who died recently.
She wrote an article called On Lies Secrets and Silences which I have found very challenging enlightening and ultimately life affirming and encouraging.
A couple of points I would like to make
First There is a theory which I happen to subscribe to and which the author above is speaking about , that we live in a society that is basically heterosexually biased and is institutionally homophobic. People are conditioned to see you as straight unless you by your actions or words inform them otherwise. We are also conditioned to take all the assumptions rights and privileges given to heterosexuals as normal and any difficulty we have in say doing something as simple as kissing a partner good bye at a bus stop, as our own private personal difficulty. It isnt just you, you are not alone and you may or may not loose some friend but you will definitely gain loads if you are open to that.
Then I think the Op sounds as if he himself is in process of coming out to himself as in he is still building a sense of identity, confidence and pride.
If the Op is patient with himself and allows things to take their time he could perhaps also realize that it may take his friends and relations at least as long as it is taking him and to be patient with them too in their process.
You can only really control your own reactions other people may already know you are gay and be fine they may know but rather not deal with it they may be happy for you and throw a party or they may distance themselves from you for now or forever. You just cant tell and you cant control it either.
But it Will all work out in the end.
Thats wonderful and the bit about the world being more heterosexual than homosexual is obviously true given that the vast majority of adults describe themselves as predominantly opposite sex attracted.
However, I find the world is a pretty tolerant place these days, and I've never experienced any overt prejudice myself whereever we have travelled, most recently to the Hotel Holos in Seville where we were not sure if some of the other couples there were str8 or not. I find no one seems to care any more what anyone else gets up to in the privacy of their bedrooms, or whether one is gay or str8 or that pecularity of ireland, the "Irish Standard Neuter"
For me, I think its important not to give others advice on how or when or even "if" they should come out, as everyone's situation is different. All we can do is support each other and understand that we all have to make those sorts of decisions for ourselves.0 -
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Coming out is a trans formative act of courage.
It is an act of courage because there is fear, you know the risks, you value what you may loose, you have no previous experience, you are all alone and by coming out, we feel that fear and do it anyway. We dont give ourselves enough credit for the great and couragous thing that we do.
Many people just drift through life never really exploring themselves or their lifes path , its a lot of work and you are doing it.
Even when it is easy for an individual to come out and they feel no fear and had nothing but positive reactions, their experience is riding on the shoulders of others who had that courage and who paved the way for them changing society so that others would not have the difficulties they had.
One definition of a transformative experience is
Coming out can be a transformative experience. Yes the way others percieve you may change but it may be for the better. You may change from the developing but part hidden child adolescent that you were into the open blossoming man you are becoming.An experience is transformative when it causes people to perceive themselves and the world profoundly differently: by expanding the individual’s identity, augmenting their sensitivities, and thereby altering their values, priorities and appreciation of the purpose of life.
If you were a professional footballer, a genius or a male model or had some other unusual but popular difference from your peers and family, you might still be concerned that they still like you for who you really are and not for the difference but because it is a socially positive difference you probably wouldn't hide that thing as much as being gay either by design or omission. Its a matter of learning that it is really ok to be gay and even learning to be proud of being gay. All the rest is just useless shame.
Coming out can be like a rite of passage an initiation, who knows if society were different maybe we would have a ritual or at least a coming out party.
Things may be easier for many people who are gay now but the fact that coming out is still a difficult thing for some people like the OP to do tells me that young people are still absorbing the information that it is not great news to say you are gay, its not even unremarkable news in that people fear it will negatively change their relationships. So people still need support and I just want to say there is support there and loads of people to meet and hey maybe we can look at this differently and think of it as a real opportunity instead of a problem.
Apparently Hallmark are now doing a whole series of coming out cards.0 -
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Ah lads, the amount of 'feelingstuck' variations I've taken, by the time I resolve this issue there'll be none left for anyone else! :P
But seriously I'd like to thank you all for posting here in this thread for me it has given me a lot to think over about how I see myself growing.
Which is to say that I feel like I haven't really grown at all, I'm halfway through a degree and have lead such a sheltered life. (My transition to moving to the capital could probably make a short RTE comedy series, seriously how as I to know the buses only go one way!) I still feel like a kid that has no real idea of how an adult does things like how to get a job or how to buy good clothing. I guess what I really need is how to be independent, I've never really had a problem where I couldn't go to my parents and get their advice and apply it to fix it. We've been fortunate enough not to have money issues so I've never really had to look for work (not that they haven't ever pushed me to look for some, but something has come up and it's currently not possible..)
I see my friends getting jobs, advancing in their studies with opportunities and even worse still having long term relationships and I always getting the questions 'Well how's the love life' 'Uh... yeah.....' I mean at this stage it's pretty clear I've never had intercourse with another, and as much as I could deflect it with 'waiting for the right one/haven't met her yet... etc.' it's getting a bit sad! I have a party with them coming up soon and it's going to be more or less the same again. but I have weaseled out of everything else this year so I can't miss this.
I'm a very insular stubborn person so maybe I do need the pressure to vent this, because I know it can't change (although I would love to see what the inside of those 'converting' seminars would be like, field research!), and I would like to eventually meet someone. Although that would come with the issues of sex, something I'd definitely need to see a therapist about :L. I feel much safer with this horrifying amount of porn on my laptop! Defo gonna get the priest to bless this if I ever give it away after wiping it! hahaha
I'm not really into this entire sociological aspect of things, it's just a complete opposite to what I find interesting but I'll admit I agree with the assumption that everyone is said to be straight until proven otherwise. I have a really awkward (I feel) body size/shape and feel like I float around on my long legs, I feel like it is a major indicator to this, so I always make myself look rigid and awkward... which isn't much of an improvement sadly :P! And I have picked up a horrendous 'valley girl' style of talking whenever I get mad 'Lyke oh my gawd', great source of comedy really!
Sorry if this post seems kinda funny, I know you are all giving advice and support but i just find it easier to laugh at myself than try to change.
Have been typing and editing this for ages now, but I'll read over the posts you guys have added and see if there is anything I could follow up on, thank you all very much again and anything else you guys can add to this I'll definitely consider 0 -
feelingstuck3 wrote: »Ah lads, the amount of 'feelingstuck' variations I've taken, by the time I resolve this issue there'll be none left for anyone else! :P
But seriously I'd like to thank you all for posting here in this thread for me it has given me a lot to think over about how I see myself growing.
Which is to say that I feel like I haven't really grown at all, I'm halfway through a degree and have lead such a sheltered life. (My transition to moving to the capital could probably make a short RTE comedy series, seriously how as I to know the buses only go one way!) I still feel like a kid that has no real idea of how an adult does things like how to get a job or how to buy good clothing. I guess what I really need is how to be independent, I've never really had a problem where I couldn't go to my parents and get their advice and apply it to fix it. We've been fortunate enough not to have money issues so I've never really had to look for work (not that they haven't ever pushed me to look for some, but something has come up and it's currently not possible..)
I see my friends getting jobs, advancing in their studies with opportunities and even worse still having long term relationships and I always getting the questions 'Well how's the love life' 'Uh... yeah.....' I mean at this stage it's pretty clear I've never had intercourse with another, and as much as I could deflect it with 'waiting for the right one/haven't met her yet... etc.' it's getting a bit sad! I have a party with them coming up soon and it's going to be more or less the same again. but I have weaseled out of everything else this year so I can't miss this.
I'm a very insular stubborn person so maybe I do need the pressure to vent this, because I know it can't change (although I would love to see what the inside of those 'converting' seminars would be like, field research!), and I would like to eventually meet someone. Although that would come with the issues of sex, something I'd definitely need to see a therapist about :L. I feel much safer with this horrifying amount of porn on my laptop! Defo gonna get the priest to bless this if I ever give it away after wiping it! hahaha
I'm not really into this entire sociological aspect of things, it's just a complete opposite to what I find interesting but I'll admit I agree with the assumption that everyone is said to be straight until proven otherwise. I have a really awkward (I feel) body size/shape and feel like I float around on my long legs, I feel like it is a major indicator to this, so I always make myself look rigid and awkward... which isn't much of an improvement sadly :P! And I have picked up a horrendous 'valley girl' style of talking whenever I get mad 'Lyke oh my gawd', great source of comedy really!
Sorry if this post seems kinda funny, I know you are all giving advice and support but i just find it easier to laugh at myself than try to change.
Have been typing and editing this for ages now, but I'll read over the posts you guys have added and see if there is anything I could follow up on, thank you all very much again and anything else you guys can add to this I'll definitely consider
Hey,
I'm the exact same as you really, i've really only accepted the whole gay thing only recently and told a few friends one very drunken night... Its hard having to accept it, very hard but I suppose you have to if u wanna be happy. My friends were very supportive when i told em, it came as shock because im in no way camp or anything like that. I just take it slowly and try not to be freaked out by it..theres defo no rush in telling anyone because you have to be ready yourself. Remember you have always been gay so nothing about you is guna change, even when you tried to convince you were straight by chasing some bird around coppers..full of vodka:P..i know i have..
anyway just be happy about it, its who you are after all and its nor going to define you as a person
be happy!!!0 -
feelingstuck3 wrote: »Ah lads, the amount of 'feelingstuck' variations I've taken, by the time I resolve this issue there'll be none left for anyone else! :P
But seriously I'd like to thank you all for posting here in this thread for me it has given me a lot to think over about how I see myself growing.
Which is to say that I feel like I haven't really grown at all, I'm halfway through a degree and have lead such a sheltered life. (My transition to moving to the capital could probably make a short RTE comedy series, seriously how as I to know the buses only go one way!) I still feel like a kid that has no real idea of how an adult does things like how to get a job or how to buy good clothing. I guess what I really need is how to be independent, I've never really had a problem where I couldn't go to my parents and get their advice and apply it to fix it. We've been fortunate enough not to have money issues so I've never really had to look for work (not that they haven't ever pushed me to look for some, but something has come up and it's currently not possible..)
I see my friends getting jobs, advancing in their studies with opportunities and even worse still having long term relationships and I always getting the questions 'Well how's the love life' 'Uh... yeah.....' I mean at this stage it's pretty clear I've never had intercourse with another, and as much as I could deflect it with 'waiting for the right one/haven't met her yet... etc.' it's getting a bit sad! I have a party with them coming up soon and it's going to be more or less the same again. but I have weaseled out of everything else this year so I can't miss this.
I'm a very insular stubborn person so maybe I do need the pressure to vent this, because I know it can't change (although I would love to see what the inside of those 'converting' seminars would be like, field research!), and I would like to eventually meet someone. Although that would come with the issues of sex, something I'd definitely need to see a therapist about :L. I feel much safer with this horrifying amount of porn on my laptop! Defo gonna get the priest to bless this if I ever give it away after wiping it! hahaha
I'm not really into this entire sociological aspect of things, it's just a complete opposite to what I find interesting but I'll admit I agree with the assumption that everyone is said to be straight until proven otherwise. I have a really awkward (I feel) body size/shape and feel like I float around on my long legs, I feel like it is a major indicator to this, so I always make myself look rigid and awkward... which isn't much of an improvement sadly :P! And I have picked up a horrendous 'valley girl' style of talking whenever I get mad 'Lyke oh my gawd', great source of comedy really!
Sorry if this post seems kinda funny, I know you are all giving advice and support but i just find it easier to laugh at myself than try to change.
Have been typing and editing this for ages now, but I'll read over the posts you guys have added and see if there is anything I could follow up on, thank you all very much again and anything else you guys can add to this I'll definitely consider
Reading your posts, you seem far too intelligent and insightful to really need much advice.
I was in school with a girl who just didn't fit into her skin well. She was tall, and awkward, not universally popular and almost a bit of a loner. A few years after school I was at the wedding of a friend and noticed this beautiful, confidant interesting girl surrounded by a group, and wondered who she was. Another friend told me she was the cousin of the groom, and (you've guessed it) it was the girl I'd been to school with a few years earlier. Since then I have got to know her fairly well and she is a wonderful and remarkable girl, in many ways, and the transformation from the girl I knew at school is extraordinary and wonderful.
The point is, some of us develop in different ways and at different rates and at different times. Without wishing to patronise you, you seem someone who is intelligent and insightful, and also have a sense of humour, Those are qualities which are sought after by many who are looking for more than something superficial, and I am sure you are going to eventually meet someone, as you say you would like.
I somehow don't think you need much advice from a stranger like me, and I hope you have great fun between now and when you eventually meet someone.0 -
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sorry for leaving it so long to get back here but I tend to take time to come up with answers.
I'm still nowhere with regards to telling anyone but I feel a lot better after asking you guys for advice so thanks for everything
Face to face is really the best thing though yeah? It's just that i live at home with my parents during the term breaks and don't think I'd be able to cope with that awkwardness, I'd prefer to text my mom, turn off my phone and hide in bed for a week before switching it back on and letting her spread the news than saying it directly to them both... which is pretty low...
Could face to Face while VERY DRUNK (a bit uncharacteristic for me :L), be ok too? Atleast then I could collapse and block it all out and leave the gossip spread while I rest a hangover!
@Aurongroove
yes. Yes. YES! You took the exact words out of my head, "Why me!? Why not somebody else!?" "I have no problem with it but why do I have to be..." etc. Although I never considered myself akin to a zombie.. :P
I dunno though, even thinking the word gay or homosexual makes my body nervous and shaky. I'm still not really sure how I accept myself though (sounds a bit too 'new age' for me :P ), saying or thinking the words are enough to make me feel a bit nervy. Even typing the words has my head feeling a bit light.
Bleh, hopefully I'll get resolve from something and be able to move past this 0 -
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feelingstuck3 wrote: »
I dunno though, even thinking the word gay or homosexual makes my body nervous and shaky. I'm still not really sure how I accept myself though (sounds a bit too 'new age' for me :P ), saying or thinking the words are enough to make me feel a bit nervy. Even typing the words has my head feeling a bit light.
Bleh, hopefully I'll get resolve from something and be able to move past this
I was the very same way last year. I knew I was gay/bi but I could hardly even say it in my head let alone aloud.
I actually failed trying to say it outright the first few times but man it was a huge relief when I did but it was a strange "wtf do I do now?" feeling. You'll get there tho and I'd recommend coming out with NO drink it can get embarrassingly messy emotionally wise:o
I haven't come out to my parents - that's something I'll prob do a year or two from now but I would handle it in the exact same way! I haven't moved out so couldn't stomach the awkwardness either.
Anyway man it might be too early to tell them yet. Do what's comfortable to you and I'd recommend telling your friends first but what ever you think yourself:)0 -
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In hindsight yeah I guess turning the phone off and not getting a response could be construed in a very bad way!
I came across this leaflet online for telling your parents, http://www.fflag.org.uk/images/howdoitellmyparents2012pdf.pdf , now I'm only quickly going through it so I dunno if it's more for teenagers than 20+, but maybe it'll have something else in it.
It's getting to a point where I want to just say it and get it over with (like the bandage idea), but I'm still just worried about the after effects.
"Mom...Dad.... I'M GAY!" /dramatic pose comes across mighty cringe worthy to me! :L
But you've all made me feel a lot more comfortable But the only thing I am worried about re college is when I go back this year it'll be a mixed house 50/50, so I really don't want to upset anyone if they come across the fact I'm gay.
Bleh but i'll deal with that bridge when I get over this other bridge first! :L0
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