Contacted by my brother's adopted daughter - what to do?

Mollywolly

I hope I'm starting this thread in the right place, if not, please feel free to move to the appropriate forum.

Now, I'll try and keep this short. Back when I lived in the UK, my brother and his then-wife divorced. They had two very young children and while she had custody he did see them from time to time. Eventually, she remarried and my brother's visits to the kids seemed to drop off (it's all a bit hazy for me because I was only in my teens at the time). She asked if her new husband could legally adopt the children, to which my brother agreed and all contact with them stopped. The rest of our family were under the impression that we were to have no contact with them either.

I've now been contacted by the daughter who was looking for confirmation that my brother was, indeed, her father. While I was happy enough to confirm this, I was aware that this now put me in a very awkward position.

I have told her that if she eventually wants to make contact with her birth father, then I will need to ask him if he wishes to do so. I thought at first that I was being quite harsh, but she seems to accept it and is happy enough that I have been welcoming and provided her with a little background on her "new" branch of her family.

I should point out that she has serious heart problems (from birth) and has just spent a considerable time in hospital, which makes my dilemma more heartbreaking.

So now I get to the question.....what do I do? I must admit that while I was delighted to hear from her (and would love to keep in touch), my brother might not be so thrilled and may not want to make contact. My heart and my head are all over the place and I can't get hold of any of my other sisters to ask their advice, so I'm turning to the wise people of Boards.

Any advice you can give me on this will be truly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

username123

Difficult position to be put in alright.

Personally Id ask the brother if he is happy for you to pass on contact details. If he says no, then just give it to her straight. You are still free to be in contact with her. Youre not responsible for other peoples actions/reactions. It would be extremely harsh if he said no, cant imagine why anyone would, not like its a secret lovechild situation. This is his child conceived in marriage, odd even that he lost contact in the first place.

Im not sure if your brother needs to give his permission for her to contact him though, didnt she contact you without permission? So even if he refuses to allow you to pass on contact details, she may still find a way to contact him.

Mollywolly

username123 wrote: »

Im not sure if your brother needs to give his permission for her to contact him though, didnt she contact you without permission?

She found me through Genes Reunited and he's on my family tree, so I imagine that she's scared of getting in direct contact. She's probably not sure of the reception she would get, so I'm her first port of call.

I think I know that I have to get in touch with my brother and tell him what's happening, I just have to try and pick a time when he's on his own and his wife isn't listening in the background. I'm sure it will be hard enough for him to deal with without having to deal with her feelings too.

I would love to keep in touch with her, it would be very sad to have just found her, only to lose her again

OS119

its a crap position to be in, but i don't think you've much choice other than to let your brother know that she's looking to get in contact with him - though what choice you do have is to stay in contact with her whether your Brother likes it or not.

i'm assuming she's an adult - or near enough - so you can maintain whatever relationship you like with her, she's outgrown the agreement/whatever and can choose as family whoever the hell she likes.

certainly be delicate about it - do you know for certain that the new wife actually knows about the daughters existance? seems ridiculous but you'd be surprised about the tangles people get themselves into...

its quite possible that she's going to ask you about the circumstances of the break-up and losing contact - she may well see you as a somewhat more impartial and less involved observer than any of her parents - be prepared for that, remember that she's an adult and make sure that what you tell her is what you genuinely understand to be the truth, rather than a 'party line' that she'll unravel at some later stage and that might poison her view of you. make sure than she knows that if you say 'i don't know', it means 'i don't know', and not 'i do know, but it'll make your mother/father/adoptive father look like a tosser, so i'm not saying...'.

good luck, i don't envy you one bit - the one in the middle usually ends up getting it from both sides - and everytime that you open your mouth to any of the parties, think 'context'!

Mollywolly

OS119 wrote: »

though what choice you do have is to stay in contact with her whether your Brother likes it or not.

I think I've already decided that I want to stay in touch with her. She seems like a strong young woman and she seems to appreciate that I want to help her in any way I can, discreetly of course.

certainly be delicate about it - do you know for certain that the new wife actually knows about the daughters existance?

His new wife knows all about them. In fact she encouraged him to see the children when they were young, so it won't come as a huge surprise to her.

its quite possible that she's going to ask you about the circumstances of the break-up and losing contact - she may well see you as a somewhat more impartial and less involved observer than any of her parents - be prepared for that, remember that she's an adult and make sure that what you tell her is what you genuinely understand to be the truth, rather than a 'party line' that she'll unravel at some later stage and that might poison her view of you. make sure than she knows that if you say 'i don't know', it means 'i don't know', and not 'i do know, but it'll make your mother/father/adoptive father look like a tosser, so i'm not saying...'.

I wasn't much more than a teenager myself when her parents split up and was never really told the full story. So I will be genuinely able to say that I don't know.

Since starting this thread, I've been able to contact one of my sisters and we're both agreed that he should be made aware that I'm in touch with his daughter. However, I want to be absolutely certain that this is what SHE wants too and have emailed her to ask.

I have no problems being the intermediary and take the fallout - if there is any - but you're absolutely right, it's a crap position to be in.