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Dating a recovering alcoholic, need advise plssssss

  • 14-06-2012 10:15am
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15


    I hope someone can help me resolve an issue I have, Im in my mid thirties recently started dating a recovering alcoholic in his mid forties, his being attending Al Anon for 6 years and holds his own sponsorship group as well.
    I was raised in an alcoholic home, my father eventually died from the disease after a binge lasting weeks. his heart gave up, i was 21, I then went on to date alcoholics for years and lived that rollercoaster life with them,binge drinking myself to excessive points where I would take any man home to bed, looking for some kinda comfort, sex was always mind blowing but felt awful for days r weeks after, one nite stands etc, eventually 5 years ago i decided enough was enough and did my own self help, i needed to find answers to why i was falling for these men who abuse alcohol and me, i only drink now once every few months and theses sessions end up all niters on the drink and prefable taking a man home, I found a new hobbie that i adore and stayed single for the past 3 years and now ive found the most wonderful caring gentle man whos so kind to me and very affectionate, like a said his a recovering alcoholic, we feel we he common ground and when he comes in from a meeting to see me we talk it over and his such a possitive influence on me, now my problem is I dont know how to deal with a recovering alcoholic as im only used to the abusers of it, my problem is the sex, i found a level of intimacy i never experienced before with this man, and now i dont know is sex an issue for them, we communicate so well i dont like to ask as he might feel ive a problem with our sex life, which i do not, i enjoy the closeness, i just dont understand why he doesnt jump on me like the other men.,, feeling very confused, any light would help on this..thanks


Comments

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    I don't think him being a recovering alcoholic has anything to do with the lack of sex you seem to be getting. You both sound like people who have taken massive leaps to regain a sense of self responsibility for youreslves. I doubt there would be much of an issue discussing what you want with regards to sex, if you can do so in an open manner.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 165 ✭✭Pebbles68


    Think about the difference in the dynamic of a one night stand versus a long term relationship. A one night stand is about one thing only - sex. There is no emotion involved, there is rarely any real respect and both parties know the rules; Get satisfaction and as much as you can in as short a time as possible. Many men will consider the female as nothing more than a piece of meat to use for as long as she will let him and then walk away with no strings attached.

    A relationship is about growing together in an atmosphere of love, trust, mutual respect and security. Maybe he does want to just jump on you but is afraid how you might react. Talk to him, explain that aswell as the romantic intimacy of love making you also enjoy the more physical side of sex from time to time. Who knows maybe he wants that too?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 424 ✭✭meganj


    ... i just dont understand why he doesnt jump on me like the other men.,, feeling very confused, any light would help on this..thanks

    OP, while I never dated an alcoholic (that I'm aware of) I had consistently dated men who were not good for me, but the sex was constant. In previous relationships we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

    Then I met my OH, not to say that we weren't at it like rabbits in the beginning (and still now, thank you very much) I couldn't understand why he wasn't constantly all over me, constantly trying to get me into bed. In fact the first time he said 'I'm wrecked, can we just do it the fast way' I burst into tears, locked myself in the bathroom and convinced myself that I was an ogre and he was never going to be attracted to me again.

    Five years later, I know that's not true. When you date someone where it's all about sex, you have no connection to the person outside of the physical, when you date someone intimately and romantically there is a balance, between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy.

    For me, the concern and confusion about this was about my own self-esteem. I could not imagine what else a man would want to do to me other then ride me. I was convinced I was only good for sex, and here my OH was turning me down at the only thing I was good at.

    I think it's worth talking to your OH, al anon is about honesty so is a relationship. Why don't you start by saying this is not about your sex life, but rather your confusion as your other relationships were this way and now this relationship is the other way.

    It sounds like you've found a great guy and as long as the balance doesn't go too much to one side, I think you'll both be very happy!

    Best of luck!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,741 ✭✭✭Piliger


    Hi OP. It is clear that this is a very distinctive situation that most of us have no experience of. I urge you to go and talk to some people in the AA community who have experience of this kind of situation.

    What I will say is this. You have been living a dysfunctional life for a long time and not just that, but also having relationships with dysfunctional men along the way. This inevitably creates a level of expectation within you for what is 'normal'. Except it is not normal.

    Now you are with a man who appears to have recovered from this kind of life and is behaving in a real normal way.

    You need to learn how to adjust to this new form of 'normality' and realise that your expectations have been distorted by those dark years.

    This is not an easy thing.

    You say you communicate well, but it is critical that you communicate about this. He can only help you and work with you to work through this if you talk to him and let him know what you are going through. If he is a recovering Alcoholic then he will understand the issues.

    Again I urge you to make contact with AA people, or with an organisation that deal with families and partners of alcoholics. You are not alone and many others have walked your path.

    Best of luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 534 ✭✭✭flowerchild


    now ive found the most wonderful caring gentle man whos so kind to me and very affectionate, like a said his a recovering alcoholic, we feel we he common ground and when he comes in from a meeting to see me we talk it over and his such a possitive influence on me, now my problem is I dont know how to deal with a recovering alcoholic as im only used to the abusers of it, my problem is the sex, i found a level of intimacy i never experienced before with this man, and now i dont know is sex an issue for them, we communicate so well i dont like to ask as he might feel ive a problem with our sex life, which i do not, i enjoy the closeness, i just dont understand why he doesnt jump on me like the other men.,, feeling very confused, any light would help on this..thanks

    I'm wondering if you are at risk of overplaying alcohol as the determinant of differences between people. You sound like you have worked through many issues and now have found a great life partner. He may not 'jump on you' simply because he is different from the other men, in this as in other areas. It may not be because he is a recovering alcoholic rather than someone who is fully within an alcoholic lifestyle.

    Why not simply say that as you and he have opened up your worlds you have found each other and it is a beautiful thing? Or talk to him about the difference if you choose. Although I am not sure that men enjoy analysing and intellectualising sex as much as women do.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Pebbles68 - please review our charter. Sweepling generalisations are not welcome here and can result in moderator action. To ensure you don't earn yourself an infraction or a ban through similar posting please take the time now to review our rules.

    Others - if you have an issue with a post please just report it - backseat modding is similarly frowned upon. Unreg - we have deleted your post for this reason.

    Thanks
    Taltos


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