So frustrated with father in law :(

LittleMuppet

Hi all,

I have a major problem with my father in law and I'm hoping to find some help here.

Ok so a few months ago, my OH and me moved into our house, which we built on a plot of land my OH's dad gave us. Father in laws house is directly in front of us. So a couple of weeks ago father in law (FIL from now on) decided to get his own house renovated and naturally we offered him our spare room and thats when all hell broke loose....

He expects his dinner to be handed to him, he does nothing to help me around the house, makes a mess wherever he goes, sighs deeply whenever I'm watching something he doesn't want to watch, constantly makes smart remarks to me about my appearance, my driving, the food I cook etc. Now as my OH works all day he hasn't seen much of this but he does know what his dad is like so has had a few words with him but nothing has changed. I'm starting to resent FIL and sometimes I cant even look at him in the face because I'm so frustrated. My OH asked him to contribute to the electricity bill and he laughed at him and basically said that cos he gave us the land he owes us nothing. I'm a little bit afraid of FIL cos he has a nasty temper. His house is going to take another 2 months to finish but I honestly don't know if I can take anymore. I dread when he goes out because I know he'll be back. God forgive me but sometimes I wish he'd never come back. I'm going to speak to my OH tonight again about it, but I'd really love a 3rd parties advice. Sometimes I think I'm over-reacting and being selfish and maybe I am.

Please help me!!

omega666

LittleMuppet wrote: »

Hi all,

I have a major problem with my father in law and I'm hoping to find some help here.

Ok so a few months ago, my OH and me moved into our house, which we built on a plot of land my OH's dad gave us. Father in laws house is directly in front of us. So a couple of weeks ago father in law (FIL from now on) decided to get his own house renovated and naturally we offered him our spare room and thats when all hell broke loose....

He expects his dinner to be handed to him, he does nothing to help me around the house, makes a mess wherever he goes, sighs deeply whenever I'm watching something he doesn't want to watch, constantly makes smart remarks to me about my appearance, my driving, the food I cook etc. Now as my OH works all day he hasn't seen much of this but he does know what his dad is like so has had a few words with him but nothing has changed. I'm starting to resent FIL and sometimes I cant even look at him in the face because I'm so frustrated. My OH asked him to contribute to the electricity bill and he laughed at him and basically said that cos he gave us the land he owes us nothing. I'm a little bit afraid of FIL cos he has a nasty temper. His house is going to take another 2 months to finish but I honestly don't know if I can take anymore. I dread when he goes out because I know he'll be back. God forgive me but sometimes I wish he'd never come back. I'm going to speak to my OH tonight again about it, but I'd really love a 3rd parties advice. Sometimes I think I'm over-reacting and being selfish and maybe I am.

Please help me!!

I wouldnt think you are over reacting, sounds like a nightmare.
i persume he is an old man so i doubt you are going to change the way he's act's at this stage of his life. Maybe try minimise contact with him as much as you can until he is gone.

Also in fairness if he gave you a plot of land for free worth thousands of euro's then asking for money for an ESB bill is a bit scabby imo.

LittleMuppet

Thanks Omega, I think avoiding him as much as possible is the only way to go, well as much as I can without hurting OH's feelings too much.

He's not that old - he's 62 and the only reason we asked him was because the bill was huge and as he was using our dryer all the time we kind off thought it was only fair to be honest.

xzanti

What sort of comments is he making about your appearance?

Nobody has to put up with derogatory comments in their own home.. he may have gave you that land, but it's now your home.. If he had a problem with it then he shouldn't have given it to you in the first place..

I think you really need to speak to your partner about this, make sure he knows what's been happening and both sit down with the FIL and let him know that he needs to start being more respectful to you.. Stand up to him, he's 62, he's not a frail little old man.. if you let him walk all over you now, he'll be doing it for a long time to come, not just the next 2 months.. you'll still be living on each others doorstep.

However, with regards to the ESB money, I'd have to agree with omega666.. he did give you the land, so I'd write the money off if I were you.

LittleMuppet

Hi xzanti,

Oh he says things like 'if you washed your face more often you wouldnt get spots (I don't have any) 'isn't it about time you got your hair cut?' e.g. going to a family wedding last week with OH I got the comment 'My god, if I was ***** (OH) I wouldn't let you out of the house looking like that. You look like a cheap nasty hooker'

I'm going to speak to OH this evening again, he knows how much its upsetting me so I'm going to ask him to speak to FIL and try and get the message through this time.

And yup, think we'll have to knock the ESB money on the head!

Oryx

He is talking to you in such a rude fashion I cant see how tackling him on it will make things worse. But you need to have a united front on this with your oh and talk to him together. If he pulls the 'land' card again, tell him it was either a gift or it wasnt, you wont have it hanging over you like a threat for the rest of his days.

Now I know you have to play nice with in laws particularly when you live next door, but it sounds to me like this guy is anything but subtle, and needs to see a bit of backbone from you to make him back down. He may only be this bad because he is getting away with it, I have a suspicion that being tough might just surprise him. There is also the risk of a permanent rift because of this, but honestly, I cant see how you can continue with such treatment anyway.

Big Bag of Chips

Why does it have to be your OH who says anything to him? When he says something to you, and your OH isn't around, how do you react?

Waiting until your OH gets home to pull him up on it seems a bit ridiculous. He doesn't respect you, and you allow him to not respect you.... So..... he will never respect you. And if your OH is the one to always challenge him about things he says or does to you, he's still never going to respect you.

You need to stand up for yourself. Just because he's your OH's father, doesn't mean he is the only one who should deal with him. You are an adult and are capable and entitled to stand up for yourself.

Start thinking of things you'd like to say back to him when he makes a comment... and then SAY it. Your life is a misery at the moment, so what difference is it going to make if he stops talking to you? He may stop talking to you, or he may realise that you are not going to be walked on by him anymore.

He sounds like a miserable aul shyte who has no regard for other people's feelings. So why are you having regard for his, and not answering him back?

You will be treated how you allow people to treat you.

deisemum

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why does it have to be your OH who says anything to him? When he says something to you, and your OH isn't around, how do you react?

Waiting until your OH gets home to pull him up on it seems a bit ridiculous. He doesn't respect you, and you allow him to not respect you.... So..... he will never respect you. And if your OH is the one to always challenge him about things he says or does to you, he's still never going to respect you.

You need to stand up for yourself. Just because he's your OH's father, doesn't mean he is the only one who should deal with him. You are an adult and are capable and entitled to stand up for yourself.

Start thinking of things you'd like to say back to him when he makes a comment... and then SAY it. Your life is a misery at the moment, so what difference is it going to make if he stops talking to you? He may stop talking to you, or he may realise that you are not going to be walked on by him anymore.

He sounds like a miserable aul shyte who has no regard for other people's feelings. So why are you having regard for his, and not answering him back?

You will be treated how you allow people to treat you.

I agree with this. I had similar ****e treatment from my father in law. You should stand up for yourself however some people feel it should be their spouse/partner that speaks up for you when it concerns someone in their family and your other half seems to be doing that but it's being ignored. In case your other half doesn't want you to stand up to his father and feels it should only be him I'll just say a counsellor once pointed out to me that as an adult you have the right to decide how you'll be treated and who you include in your life and that if inlaws are not nice to you then as an adult if you don't want to have anything to do with them then don't and your husband/partner should not put pressure on you to do so. You married him not his family.

The counsellor also pointed out that there are some adult children because of their upbringing especially if they've had controlling parents are incapable of standing up to them. It's how they've been conditioned and will always fall into the child role where their parents are concerned. She also said that if your husband cannot stand up to them when they upset you then you can stand up for yourself and challenge them and that your husband has to accept that you are an adult in your own right and no one has the right to tell you not to stand up for yourself. I hope that makes sense.

Your father in law has no respect for you so I wouldn't worry about what he thinks of you and keeping stum and believe it or not he might actually respect you more if you start respecting yourself more and pull him up every time he offends or upsets you. When the counsellor told me that I thought she was so wrong but she proved herself correct as I've had no more hassle with my inlaws, quite the opposite in fact.

ABajaninCork

Totally agree with the above. The man is a misogynist, and a bully. Is your MiL still around? Would be interesting to hear how she was treated.

If he starts with the nonsense again, put him back in his box. No need to shout, but ask him what his problem is? Make smart cracks back about HIS appearance. Throw every single comment back at him. If he keeps this up, I would refuse to cook and clean for him until he behaves. Just because he gave you land, doesn't mean he can treat you like ****.

You need to stand up to him OP. Bullies are usually cowards...

And I wouldn't wait for my OH to return to deal with him either.

LittleMuppet

Hi guys

Thanks for all the replies. The reason I don't stand up to him on my own is because...

1. He doesn't take me seriously. The last time I lost it at him he laughed at me, which made things a thousand times worse.

2. He's got a very bad temper and I am scared of him, especially when OH isn't around. He looses his rag very easily and starts throwing things around and punching walls etc.

Myself and OH are going to speak to him when he comes home tonight as it just can't go on like this.

My MIL died 2 years ago and she, as far as I know, was treated exactly the same. His other son also died around the same time but he's always been the way he is according to my OH.

ABajaninCork

LittleMuppet wrote: »

Hi guys

Thanks for all the replies. The reason I don't stand up to him on my own is because...

1. He doesn't take me seriously. The last time I lost it at him he laughed at me, which made things a thousand times worse.

2. He's got a very bad temper and I am scared of him, especially when OH isn't around. He looses his rag very easily and starts throwing things around and punching walls etc.

Myself and OH are going to speak to him when he comes home tonight as it just can't go on like this.

My MIL died 2 years ago and she, as far as I know, was treated exactly the same. His other son also died around the same time but he's always been the way he is according to my OH.

Exactly what I thought. You need to get together with your OH and make it very clear to him his behaviour will not be tolerated any more. If he starts punching walls and throwing things in YOUR home, then he'll have to hit the road. Don't start screaming & shouting at him. That's what he expects. Refuse to cook for him. Refuse to do his washing. Go on strike. The next time he makes a nasty crack, make your reply, and then walk out. Completely ignore him.

He might get the message then.

LittleMuppet

ABajaninCork, thank you so much and I am going to do that if the 'talk' doesn't go as planned. All I can say is thank God the land is in our name lol

I'll let you know how I get on and thank you all so much for all the support and advice you've given me.

Big Bag of Chips

Try not to "lose it" with him. Because then he'll never take you seriously. He'll just think your an hysterical woman.

Calm replies, and as suggested, stop doing things for him. You can bet he won't starve (more's the pity!!)

username123

Wow - the descriptions of his nastiness remind me of my brother. He would say horrible things, deliberately try to push my buttons and then laugh if I lost it. I cut all contact with him years ago - very toxic individual.

With the FIL. Id be short, sharp and to the point. He makes a nasty comment, pull him up on it calmly, then leave the room. He loses his temper and throws things? Leave the room and phone the Guards. Afraid of him - are you serious? Throw him out!
There is no way Id be cooking for him, cleaning for him, or anything else if he is that ungrateful and nasty.

Never start shouting, you have lost the battle the minute you raise your voice.

I cannot understand how you accepted land off this person, decided to live so close to him, or how you invited him into your home - he sounds awful.

And forget getting your OH to help you out - he isnt there in the daytime when this man is bullying you the most.

Stand up to him, dont worry about rifts or whatever, dont take it - its your home. Personally Id kick him out. But Id also consider paying him back for the land as Id hate to be obligated to someone like him.

curlzy

Gonna be honest OP. I wouldn't be bending over backwards any more. He's called you a whore and he punches walls and throws things. I would tell him he needs to leave tonight, and your OP should be backing you up. None of what you describe is ok. You certainly shouldn't be afraid in your own home when your OH is out. You shouldn't be cooking and cleaning for him at all, you should never have ever done that, you're not a slave just because you have a vagina.

I really wouldn't put up with a misogynist, especially not in my own home of all places. I wouldn't be playing nice either and begging him to be civil. You allowed him into your home, he's shown he's incapable of behaving like an adult.

Seriously OP, tell him to leave. If he refuses or blows up call the guards.

I would also consider selling up and moving. He's 60 now, he could have another 30 years of life ahead of him, you really want him as a neighbour?

LittleMuppet

Hi guys,

Again thanks for all your replies. We had a 'talk' with him last night and he wasn't aware he was upsetting me at all. So he said. He's going to stay with his brother until his renovation work is done, thank God!! He just told me I had no sense of humour and if I wanted to live in the country I should grow a thick skin and not be so sensitive. OH wasn't having any of it and really let him have it (and also brought up other stuff from OH's childhood, but thats not here or there) so we just told him that I was a person too and not a slave and I tried my best for him and he didn't appreciate it.

The reason I invited him to stay with us is because he was never like this with me before but as my nan would say 'If you want to know me, come live with me'

At the moment, selling up and moving is not an option and anyway I've only just built the house and I am not letting anyone run me out of it.

I've seen a different side to him now and he knows that I'm not going to tolerate any more bullpoo from him so we shall see how things go. My OH was great, I couldn't have done what I did last night without his support tbh. And all of yours too, boardsies

skooterblue2

I think the real lesson here is if you accept a plot of land from your inlaws so close to the family home ...... they own your ass. My parents offered my GF (at the time) and me a plot of land. It would be great we would be close to home and have the grand parents around and everything.

"Are you Fupping kidding me?!!??" I said. "My mother would be over shoving her ideas on my girlfriend & kids". I couldnt stand her father but never said it. Myself and Girlfriend wouldnt last jigging time. If you get a present of IDK incesses of €10k as a gift expect some strings to be attached.

A bit of distance cultivates good relations with inlaws

ABajaninCork

LittleMuppet wrote: »

Hi guys,

Again thanks for all your replies. We had a 'talk' with him last night and he wasn't aware he was upsetting me at all. So he said. He's going to stay with his brother until his renovation work is done, thank God!! He just told me I had no sense of humour and if I wanted to live in the country I should grow a thick skin and not be so sensitive. OH wasn't having any of it and really let him have it (and also brought up other stuff from OH's childhood, but thats not here or there) so we just told him that I was a person too and not a slave and I tried my best for him and he didn't appreciate it.

The reason I invited him to stay with us is because he was never like this with me before but as my nan would say 'If you want to know me, come live with me'

At the moment, selling up and moving is not an option and anyway I've only just built the house and I am not letting anyone run me out of it.

I've seen a different side to him now and he knows that I'm not going to tolerate any more bullpoo from him so we shall see how things go. My OH was great, I couldn't have done what I did last night without his support tbh. And all of yours too, boardsies

So he makes nasty remarks, throws things, punches walls and thinks you have a SoH failure? Wow!!

Like I thought, he's a bully and a coward. The minute he's called out, he backs down and makes it all out to be a joke? With a SoH like his, does he have many friends???

And I don't buy the bullcrap about the fact he wasn't aware he was upsetting you. He knew good and well what he was doing, and thought you'd roll over.

Anyway. He's going and good riddance! Just keep him at arm's length. Be polite and nothing more.

LittleMuppet

The land was given to us as a wedding present, we'd no idea we were getting it! Hopefully the talk last night will have gotten through to him and things will get better> if not, we'll consider selling up and moving on.

LittleMuppet

Funny thing is, he goes to mass every day, is a minister of the Eucharist, reads the bible every day and thinks he's a good catholic. Makes me laugh now, the hypocrisy of it all but I'm so glad he's gone. The peace I feel in the house is amazing

skooterblue2

I wouldnt go out and about making any hard and fast rules.
I know you have invested a lot of time, effort and money into building your house more so than a couple who bought a house.

Your partners father will always his father you may not always be his partner. You will have to make some effort to get alon with him and IMO he may be there a lot longer than you think.

Either you make nice with him or you draw definate boundaries with him. If you had the third options I would move away. In the city its easier where 3 miles is the other side of the city but in the country 5 miles is only down the road and where farms are involved its not so easy.

I think its your partners' job to say these are the boundary lines otherwise - we may have to seriously consider moving. No body want to go to DEFCON 1 situations so evryone backs down .... hopefully.

This idea of giving a plot of land as a wedding gift seriously needs to be thought through. Its not given until the deeds are signed over. I was offered a site and I deferred for a lot of reasons ..... unsuitable drainage, proximiaty to other neighbours, issues with septic tank.

hi OP I'm glad this seems to be sorted now
I'll lock this but if you need any more advice on this please PM one of us to re open