I really need advice.

Hells Kitchen

So here's the story. I'm 26 and living abroad. I've met a great girl and we're dating 9 months. Neither of us are from the country we currently live in.( i'm Irish and she's from the states) Both our contracts finish in august and we are due to return to our respective countries. However we don't want the relationship to end and so have been discussing getting married because neither of us fancy a long distance thing. This would mean me going to the states which i'm fine with as i love her to bits.

So here's the problem. I told my parents of our plans and they went crazy. Thought it was the most ridiculous thing they ever heard, that no-one gets married after knowing each other for 9 months. My mother asked me was i on drugs and was she pregnant. Basically told me it was never going to work and that i'm abandoning them and not thinking straight.

Their reaction has totally taken me by surprise. I know we've only been dating a relatively short time but we both feel that's where the relationship is going and why wait. This girl is the best thing that's ever happened me and it's kind of heartbreaking that my parents are so against it. Her parents are totally supportive by the way.

How should i deal with my parents?

P. Breathnach

I take it that you don't need advice on whether or not to get married. You are 26, and I presume that you have some reasonable experience of life and relationships, so are making a considered decision.

Your parents' (or is it mainly your mother's?) reaction seems extremely wrong. Did you catch them totally unprepared? Had they any clue that you were in a relationship and taking things fairly seriously? I am looking at the possibility that in surprise they blurted out really stupid things, things they may soon come to wish that they had never said.

It's your life, and your place to make such decisions. The tone of your post suggests to me that you are not inclined to go into a situation with all guns blazing. That's good. When you have worked through this situation, I take it that you will want to be on good terms with your parents. Can I suggest "calm and resolute" as a mindset? Simply tell them you are sure about this; explain a bit why you are sure so that they will know why this girl is so important to you; tell them that it is also important to you that your marriage does not cause a problem between you and them (but let that one hang in the air: they should realise that you are not creating a problem, but they might be doing just that); give them a bit of time to come around.

It looks like you have to be the adult in this situation. They seem to be throwing a strop, and the best way to deal with that involves staying calm.

If it's not too late, can I suggest that you don't tell your girlfriend about this, at least for the moment? I think that when people are behaving like idiots, it is kind to give them some privacy until they get some sense.

x Purple Pawprints x

I was going to type out a response but P. Breathnach has pretty much hit the nail on the head IMO. I totally agree with not telling your girlfriend about this. Your mother's reaction is very extreme tbh. Wait until your parents have calmed a bit and talk to them again. Tell them calmly that you're not a child and you can make your own decisions. Perhaps your mother's reaction was actually about you moving abroad and is not actually about your girlfriend at all?

Hells Kitchen

Thanks guys for the responses. I really appreciate it. I havn't slept properly in the last three days worrying about it. It doesn't help that i havn't been home in nearly a year and now i'm talking about living abroad for good. They've also never met my gf. The big problem my parents have is how long we've been going out. They think it's nonsence to be thinking of marriage so soon. Of course because we live in different countries we don't have the luxury of moving in together and dating for a couple of years like most couples back home. I also don't think they can comprehend that i'm okay with living abroad for the rest of my life. Thanks again.

I am a friend

Why don't you try (even though you say you don't want to) long distance for a while? See if you even like the USA when you visit her there. Don't think you can just marry a us citizen and move in with an automatic work visa?? You need to check that.

Have ye even lived together?

Marriage, in this case, is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. If it's meant to be then why not get to know each other better over a year or two and then decide?

silly

Even getting married to an american citizen doesnt not automatically give you a visa. My brother was in a pretty similar situation as you. He met a girl in the US while travelling, he came home after his 3 months and went back again for 3 months once he had money saved. They got married April last year, He is still waiting for his visa to come through. She is in the US, he is here.
So be prepared to go long distance for a while regardless.

tinkerbell

Your parents are dead right - your reasons for marrying this girl are ALL WRONG. You are only marrying to get a visa, if you didn't have the visa problem you wouldn't be getting married so soon. Marriage is a serious commitment and tbh obtaining a visa is not a serious reason to get married.

Beruthiel

Hells Kitchen wrote: »

How should i deal with my parents?

Don't bother 'dealing' with them.
I'm the mother of a 24 year old.
I may not agree with all of her decisions, but I would never dream of acting like your mother did towards you.
You are a 26 year old man. In total charge of your own life.
What you do with that life is entirely up to you.
Be they mistakes or the greatest decisions ever.
Either way, you are the captain of your own ship.

If your mother says another word, well, just thank her for her concern (that's why she lost it btw, she's worried about you) and carry on with your plans.

Now, with regards to getting married because there is a gun to your head so to speak.
Remove that pressure for a moment.
Would you be marrying her so quickly if there was no pressure?
Marriage should be thought about long and hard before taking the jump.

Best of luck.

P. Breathnach

tinkerbell wrote: »

... your reasons for marrying this girl are ALL WRONG....

You have to play the game using the cards that have been dealt to you. If you can not achieve your desired goal in one way, it is quite reasonable to see if there is another way of getting there.

CBFi

I think you seem to be approaching this with a level head though I would think in another situation that 9 months is too little time to really know each other as you're still in the first flush of it all. That said, you're marrying to be together not for a work visa!

I believe that you would be entitled to a green card upon marrying a US citizen from what I know of a friend's recent marriage and life in the US.

I think you should go with your gut and do what you want and I think Beruthiel's advice is good- try to understand your mothers feelings and respond to her concerns but ultimately they cant be the basis of your decision.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I have a slightly different view for 2 reasons, firstly I have son around your age and secondly because I did get married in the 1980s in similar circumstances to you!
Please slow down a bit, you know it takes 5 mins to get married and years and money to divorce(personal experience lol). I know you are in love and I know also that the thought of long distance is a killer. But I met lots of 1980s married couples in the U.S who are now divorced....reason being that we all jumped in too quickly due to not wanting to live apart. The visa just makes everything speed up, it seemed so logical to say "why don't we just get married".
Please wait a while. You can get a temp visa or even a student one. If you really want to be together then what's another year?
In my case I married Mr.Perfect but he fell out of love a year later, changed his mind about kids(after we had a baby!) He was a different person at 27 from 26 years of age. You are both still young, so you could feel very differently in a year. I am not putting down your love or maturity, but honestly I would advise my son to wait. I had a hell of a time trying to get back to Ireland with a baby U.S citizen .....
As for your mom, well she may have been harsh but she is probably just worried about you and she freaked. I know I would too!!

mkhall

I agree with the majority of posters, simply said this is not a good reason to make such a serious commitment. (I am around your age and in a similar situation might I add) Im also a US citizen and like another poster said, visas can take ages and the paperwork/process is quite messy. Are you ever considering returning to Ireland? Perhaps she could do a course here? Some are only a year or two and that way you could get to know each other better before making such a huge decision? Also, it might be helpful to research immigration laws in both of your countries, as there are some loopholes you could be unaware of. I am not 100% on this, but I have a friend (american) and her boyfriend is Irish. She is here now and in the process of obtaining some kind of residency permit on the basis that they have been dating for two years. (they have to provide phone records, emails, etc and again, this is a tedious process) but it might be worth it for you to have a look. Best of luck!

Squiggler

I have a slightly different viewpoint from some of the others.

My husband is from the US and we knew very quickly that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, so we didn't see the point in waiting to get married. We've been together just under three years and will be three years married in November - we live here in Ireland.

All my siblings are married to people from other countries and while all of us had been in previous long-term relationships without feeling the need to marry none of us wasted any time marrying our current partners.

When you know, you know!

Just make sure you are alert for any niggling doubts, they're worth listening to. But if there are none on either side then go for it.

Give your Mum a few days and then talk to her again. Best of luck!

midnight_train

Hi OP, I'd go with the majority and encourage you to take your time.

I got engaged to a Kiwi guy after 10 months and happily moved off to New Zealand because I was madly in love and couldn't imagine being apart. In my case, I'm very lucky we had a long engagement, because 1. we weren't actually right for each other (in my book, 10 months isn't long enough to know, even though I thought it was at the time) and 2. I actually hated living in New Zealand. Although the travel brochures were very nice.

One other thing, and I am not trying to rain on your parade, but have you ever lived in the US? I am American, have lived away from the US for 10 years now, but am currently working here for the summer. I gotta say, we speak the same language, but it is an EXTREME culture shock, and that's coming from someone who was born and raised in the USA, and lived there for 25 years.

Anyway, my advice is, seriously, take your time. Do long distance, do a study visa, do something, but you, for real, have the rest of your lives to get married, so I'd seriously advise looking at other options first.

Good luck!

Red Hand

Life's too short, you only get one shot at and if this is the only way to see if ye actually being together, then I say go for it. You may look back on this and regret not going for it when older.

(I may be viewing this through romantic goggles, but there you go:pac:)

P. Breathnach

OP's question:

Hells Kitchen wrote: »

...
How should i deal with my parents?

Taltos

P. Breathnach - please don't backseat mod. If you have nothing constructive to add then please don't post. Doing so can result in a warning / infraction / ban.

Thanks
Taltos

Stavro Mueller

I can understand where your parents are coming from. They over-reacted, that is a given but not as unexpected as you'd think. My guess is that a lot of parents would be alarmed if their son/daughter came home and said they were going to marry someone they'd only been seeing for 9 months.

Back to your original question, all you can do is tell your parents that you understand where they're coming from and that you appreciate their concern. But that you're a grown adult, your choice and your life.