Married & in love with someone else

Torn_X

I've been debating about posting about this for a while now! I just need to rant, I suppose. I'm a participating/active member on Boards, but have created this account to maintain my anonymity!
My background is as follows:
I'm a married man. With my partner 11 yrs in total. Married for more than half of that. 6 months ago I became friendly with a fellow female student. Although younger than me, she is also in a long term relationship. We are studying the same course but at different levels. We grew close over this time.
We started to spend more and more time together. Studying, movies, etc. It came to a point that 2 weeks ago I told her that I was in love with her! I didn't just SAY it, I meant it. (You have to know that I'm an extremely shy person, but not having felt this way about another woman before, inc. my wife, I felt compelled to tell her how I felt)
Unfortunately, I didn't get the response I was hoping for. The reply that came threw both of us. She had very strong feelings for me but didn't want to hurt anyone (inc. both of our partners). She also said that she had fallen for me some time ago, but that it was OK & she could deal with it because I wouldn't possibly feel the same way about her!
Now comes the reason I'm writing this here, now! After we sorted out what had happened between us (2 days max), She moved out of her current living situation and in with a friend. I am the only one she is in daily contact with (limited contact with her partner). The problem is she is making herself physically sick with worry to the point that she had herself admitted to hospital lately due to not being able to eat! She says that she needs to decide what she wants from & in her life.
I don't know if I'm helping matters by remaining in contact with her, but it's what she wants, having said that she can't lose me. I certainly don't want to lose her.
I'm obviously in love with her, and would have no problem leaving my wife for her. You may think that sounds cold, but this situation has only made me realise that my marriage has not been a marriage for quite some time (yrs). To be honest I will have to leave anyway, but I'm not in a situation in which that is possible immediately.
I suppose I'm just looking for points of view or opinions. Please do not comment if you have nothing valuable to add!

El Weirdo

Okay, moved from AH ====> Relationship Issues.

If you've followed it over, please behave yourselves.

Piliger

Well OP. You don't mention children so I assume there are none.

It seems to me that you should move out and in with this lady. You say you love her "not having felt this way about another woman before, inc. my wife". And she wants you. You are also doing a major disservice to stay with your wife in this situation. She doesn't deserve it.
Remember you started all of this. You have a responsibility to your GF and to yourself.

Best of luck.

Torn_X

There are no children involved. What you suggest would be a logical move, but the relationship is not going in that direction. In my eyes the "new woman in my life" is afraid to admit to herself what is happening, and therefore is possibly in denial. She, understandably, is afraid of the repercussions. I have yet to get her admit as much though.

P. Breathnach

Let's play a little mindgame here, Torn_X. If this new woman decides that she should not be with you, how does your marriage stand? Would you stay with your wife if you didn't have a real option of getting together with this girl? Should you?

What I am getting it is that you have two issues to deal with: your marriage and this new relationship. Insofar as you can, deal with each separately. It seems obvious that you deal with your marriage first.

Torn_X

I fully understand where you're coming from and it is my full intention to do just that either way. The problem lies in the fact that either way I want to see that the "other woman" (hate to use that terminology) gets better first & deals with all that is going on in her own mind. I have, in no uncertain terms, explained that whatever happens in my relationship is not her fault. It would have been dealt with at some stage anyway

Ickle Magoo

I think you can kill two birds with one stone here OP. You aren't in love with your wife and you aren't happy with your marriage so first things first, end that.

That leaves you free to pursue who you wish with the added bonus that there will be one less person "she" hurts by entering into a relationship with you as you will have shown you have decided you don't want to be married to your wife regardless of what happens.

Relationships with single people tend to be less problematic and cause less reticence than those involving parties who are still pretending to be married...if I were you and really wanted a relationship with the girl, I'd put my money where my mouth is and leave my wife.

All the best.

I am a friend

Have you tried working at your marriage before you just bail? It takes two to kill a marriage.

ash23

If you are sure the marriage is over and your main concern is this girl, then you need to make it easier for her to be with you and also free your wife rather than leaving her hanging on clueless.

What's stopping you from ending your marriage? You now know you don't love your wife. Why are you waiting for this woman to be "better"? That's doing a great disservice to your wife of 11 years. And while you might not be in love with her, you surely have some respect and love for the woman you spent over a decade with. Enough to be honest with her and let her go to find happiness with someone else I would hope.

You're being selfish by staying in your marriage until this woman is "ready" to be with you. It's so unfair on your wife who doesn't deserve that treatment.

Deal with your marriage and your wife first. You owe her that, at least.

fungun

You have known this girl for 6 months. You have met her as a student in a stress-free environment, where you both had things in common that you probably didnt have with your partners. You are with your partner 11 years and a younger woman loves spending time with you.

Id be very wary of your next move. Read what I said with as objective an eye as you can. It reads like a recipe for a crush. You have known this girl 6 months with no intrusions from reality; its no surprise that this is more exciting than your marriage and that you find this much more exciting and it makes you feel alive. You did your wife a disservice when you let yourself get so close to this girl, without first making a decision about your marriage. You say 'this has made you realise your marriage has not been a marriage for some time', but meeting up for studies/movies and flirting a bit knowing you have another woman at home is not what a marriage is like....how did you feel about your marriage before you met this girl? Your comment that 'I will have to leave anyway, but I'm not in a situation in which that is possible immediately' is a fairly standard one for a man who says he wants to leave but isnt entirely surely....if there are no kids in the way, what is to stop you doing it right now, tonight?

As advised above, separate the 2 issues. I disagree with the fact that you leaving your wife will help this girl - she knows you will be leaving because of her. In fact, my advice would be the opposite. Id say to this girl that you need a few weeks to get your head straight (maybe when she is healthy again). I would think about your marriage....NOT comparing it to this, because what you have with this girl at the moment is a fantasy. Think how you felt before you met this new girl. Decide is it worth working on. Speak to your wife. Once that decision is made, it will inform your next move.

You had an 11 year relationship which you thought was ok until you met this girl. Id be sitting tight for a bit, dont see this girl, and letting yourself stabilise before making any knee-jerk decisions if i were you.

stargazer 68

ash23 wrote: »

You're being selfish by staying in your marriage until this woman is "ready" to be with you. It's so unfair on your wife who doesn't deserve that treatment.

Deal with your marriage and your wife first. You owe her that, at least.

I have to agree. If you don't love your wife and want to be with her any more then move out and let her find someone who does. Deal with that issue first and then move on.

Mr Bump

OP, you did not marry your wife for nothing, and to me 6 years is not a really long time to be married, so tbf i think you should at least try to see if there is any chance with your current wife, she deserves this, when you spend time with people you get close, this is what has happened with th other girl, if you do the same with someone else next year that is good looking, same things in common etc, you will feel the same,

Dont just dump 10 years away, try too find what you have lost, (if you have tried all this then leave and move on with life)

MissFlitworth

Torn_X wrote: »

I'm obviously in love with her, and would have no problem leaving my wife for her.

If you would have no problem leaving your wife for her then you should leave your wife now & don't use her as a safety blanket while you wait for someone else to make up her mind about you & your relationship. She's likely to be absolutely devestated if you leave her for someone else & things will only be worse for her if she realises that you were hanging around at home, hedging your bets, waiting for someone else to decide if they wanted you while she thought you loved her.

If you no longer want to be married to your wife then that should be your first priority, extricate yourself from your marriage so that you're in a position to be in a new relationship.

Smashhits

Speaking with experience of this situation (me being the wife) I have only 1 thing to say to you OP.

Is your wife aware of the fact that 'the marriage is over'?
She may be completely oblivious to the fact.

Go and speak with your wife. Forget this other girl for the moment until you sort your relationship with your wife. You owe her that if nothing else.

I don't envy the road you're heading down but best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP, having been in a similar situation to you many years ago I can relate to what your going through....however I would look back now and see things very differently now.
When you are in a marriage that isn't working you have no emotional intimacy, and it's only when you form a close bond with someone else that this is highlighted. This isn't a REAL relationship, for me it's as if you and your special friend are in a bubble...it is an emotional affair and it highlights that your marriage is not a functioning.
My advice would be to go to counselling on your own. You have no kids so you owe it to both you and your wife to separate and give each other the chance of having a family with someone else(if you would like to have a family).
In my case I never crossed the line, I stayed true but ironically my Ex met someone and left! I stayed too long in a marriage that was over for years because of kids.....and never cheated. But you have no kids so why are you staying in an empty marriage?
You need to take responsibility for leaving your marriage. Stop asking your female friend to be a crutch. When I separated I knew my marriage was over, and I was ready to be on my own. Yet still I grieved the end of the marriage, and was surprised how I missed my Ex even for years after. If you go straight into a new relationship you end up using someone who has been a good friend to you. You need friends when you go though a divorce. Give yourself time to be on your own, let your wife go, and work through your feelings with a cousellor. All the best.