Does being a challenge really work?

Whiteflag12

Ok, have had many long term relationships, the longest being six years. New back to the dating scene and feeling very out of touch! Any of my previous relationships ended with"you're a nice girl but can't see anything in the future" line, however when I then cut contact completely with the exes two of them were falling over themselves to restart the relationship again, at that stage I felt I couldn't go back so moved on.

My question is am I too nice in a relationship? My friends would consider that I'm a good laugh, up for a bit of craic, have a good job, my own home, won't say I'm a hottie but pretty okay looking, keep fit etc.

I don't consider myself to be needy, I would be caring towards a person that I'm in a relationship with and would always look out for them and I would say that I am romantic.

I am dating a guy at the moment and it was major attention and fireworks at the start, flowers, romantic evenings out, planning weekends away, talking about meeting the family etc. He has now cooled off literally overnight! I assume he is losing interest, however when I don't text or phone he's onto me straight away and dropping in random comments like "when u come to my family home"..etc etc... Implying hes thinking ahead Yet not arranging anything concrete. I suspect he might be keeping his options open and feel I am getting breadcrumbs.

Normally I would be very upfront and ask him out straight what is going on, but that kind of approach hasn't worked for me in the past so I'm thinking maybe I should say nothing and let him do a bit of the chasing? It's the old "hunter" theory, i got him to chase me in the beginning and it seemed to have worked! I would never normally consider this behaviour as I think it's game playing but my old ways didn't seem to work either!!!

I look at some of my friends or workmates and some of them really treat their other halves like **** and yet the guys kill themselves trying to please their wives / girlfriends..... Not that I'd want to treat anybody like that but it does make me wonder if I'm doing something completely wrong!

Any thoughts, I really need some advice!!!!!
Thanks

blatantrereg

Better to learn to choose better partners, than to learn to play games to make certain types show more interest.

Whiteflag12

Thanks for the reply, maybe you are right but looking at things objectively I am trying to take responsibility for things going pear shaped in previous relationships rather than just blaming the other person involved.

I am trying to take a blunt look at the way I am in relationships and be proactive, why is it that the two previous exes were suddenly interested when I shut off? This is what brings me to the "hunter" theory?!?!?

blatantrereg

Well them suddenly being really interested when you shut them off is what makes me think they are bad choices in the first place. There's a type of person who will switch between showing inflated attention (when you can fulfil a need) and ignoring or belittling you (when your relationship isn't convenient). That's what you seem to be describing.

People like that tend to attract people who put their partner's needs before their own; who focus on the relationship and the other person more than their own needs.

Maybe I'm way off the mark, but I find it a common pattern. If you are someone who is focused very much on other people's needs, you will tend to get involved with people who are focused on their own needs.

That's the rationale for my advice. Even if you think I'm way off the mark, I still dont think the hunter theory is a good idea.

dellas1979

I've often used this example of a friend of mine on boards-she got married at 39.

Now this girl could write a book about dating-Ive head ALL the stories. Believe me, the book would be both hilarious and heart breaking at the same time.

I asked her fundamentally what made her now husband different to all the rest, and she said it was just "easy" - no drama. There were no games, no cooling off, no "I dont know", no crazy tom foolery.

He wanted to be with her and her him. She said it was simple. And she only realised how wrong everyone else was with the games and all that stuff until she met him. She had never actually met a guy, until him, who treated her with such respect.

Pure and utter simple stuff when you think about it.

I 100% believe that when you meet a guy in a situation like the above, its only then you'll realise that all this game playing isnt normal, to a certain degree. It is nice to be wooed and all that, but playing all these games at the start of the relationship in my opinion is already doomed.

Whiteflag12

I know I have the potential to fall for this guy big time but not going there if I'm going to end up heart broken, it's just not worth that......

So maybe I should just be up front and ask him what he's playing at or do you think I should just cut my losses and bail?

dellas1979

I know its an awful big, unencouraging, neither here nor there statement to make, but if someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. If they want to know about you, they will make it their business to know about you.

If you feel he is playing games, yes, cut your losses and run.

What is it about this guy that makes him so different if you feel he is playing games?

Edit: Just to add-are ye dating or in an actual relationship? Why would he want someone he is just dating to meet his family? Do you see the difference?