A Quick Question

Pippy1976

I've been seeing a guy for about 3 months. Going really well. I dropped him off at a friends house to watch the match on Sunday... haven't heard from him since!

What is THAT about?

[I should point out that I tried ringing him yesterday but no answer]

sbsquarepants

He's drowning his sorrows......leave him be:D

Ms. Pingui

I'd say he's just busy watching the football. The fella I'm seeing always texts me a lot and even he's gone fairly quiet since the matches started! It was a bit rude that he didn't get back to you after you rang though. Give him a few days and see does he get back in contact. If I were you, I wouldn't ring or text him untill he contacts you.

Pippy1976

I definitely won't be ringing him again... he knows I've been trying to contact him.

I'm not sure if it's good enough though - that he can do this. Isn't it a bit rude & disrespectful?

daisybelle2008

Up to you to decide if it is a dealbreaker, would be for me. Seems to be common enough guys going AWOL for the matches. There was a guy mentioned on the radio that had left his house in Dublin and gone to Poland without telling his wife.

To be honest I would say he is trying to drop you and it has nothing to do with the Euros, Ireland have had one match, a text takes 1 minute.

Pippy1976

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

To be honest I would say he is trying to drop you and it has nothing to do with the Euros, Ireland have had one match, a text takes 1 minute.

Yeah, that's what I think too... a text is a quick & easy way to let your OH know you're ok & you'll talk to them soon.

This has nothing to do with the Euros.

Pity.

SunnyDub1

Ok no one would expect him to be on the phone to you 24/7 but what's a text or even a quick phone call, the football match doesn't go on ALL day and there is half time!

It all really depends on the person but I wouldn't have it tbh Think it's quite insulting and rude. Best thing to do here is talk to him about it.

how often do you usually contact each other ?

Terri26

the match was Sunday evening. It is now only Tuesday morning. He should have replied to your phone-call yesterday but it was only the next day. He could be busy for one day and he forgot to reply. It's only been three months. I assume you are used to a lot more contact but it hasn't even been a full two days since you heard from him. Give him time.

SineadMarie

How did he seem when you dropped him off?? I agree with the other posters a text takes only a minute esp and the fact he knows you were trying to contact him, doesnt seem good..unless he left his phone in his mates house!! I'd go with your gut though in this. Same thing happened to me only i was seeing my ex a lot longer he just decided to blank me one day and hope i'd get the message. Turn out was the best thing that happened for me as im much happier now. If thats what hes doing well then you deserve better and its better you found out now. Best of luck.

Pippy1976

Usually contact eachother ALOT... sometimes I think he rings me too much. We don't text that often - always a call.

... I just took a walk to the shop and gave him a ring as the more I thought about it the more I felt it was out of order for him not to contact me. He didn't contact me because he knew I'd be annoyed and was too hungover to deal with an argument (I'm not an argumentative person but do let it known when I'm pissed off about something). He just didn't want to talk to me while I was going to be annoyed with him.

Not acceptable. End of.

Sunday as in two days ago?

Two days and one missed call isn't at all something to worry about. I can see how it would be annoying but if I'm honest I think you're overreacting.

Hypothetically speaking, he could have gone to watch the match, had a load of beer, gotten drunk, passed out on a friend's couch, wakes up mid-day totally hungover, sees a missed call from you on his phone, too tired to deal with it, lazes about with his mates that day and gets home last night. Forgets about your call. There's about a hundred other totally plausible scenarios where he hasn't gotten back to you but isn't ignoring you.

If you want to get the story straight - call him again. Facebook him, text him, whatever. But don't leave yourself in the dark just because you don't want to look like you care too much.

Edit: Oops, only just saw your previous post

stargazer 68

Pippy1976 wrote: »

.

Not acceptable. End of.

You are right OP - its not. I have been seeing my OH for 3 months too and he is currently in Poland - yet he has been texting me regularly. He text me before the Ireland match and again after it. Not that I would expect him to or anyone else but a quick call wouldnt have hurt.

Pippy1976

Dovies wrote: »

You are right OP - its not. I have been seeing my OH for 3 months too and he is currently in Poland - yet he has been texting me regularly. He text me before the Ireland match and again after it. Not that I would expect him to or anyone else but a quick call wouldnt have hurt.

You see I'm the type of person that does that: if I'm out I'll text my OH to say hi or tell them I'm safe or whatever. So, I can't understand when others don't do it for me.

I'm not sure how to tackle this... I want to make my point but not have a stand out row about it. The longer the no ringing goes on, the more pissed off I'd get - where's his logic??

It seems in every relationship I'm in it's the other person that calls the shots. As this is a new relationship I'd like to start out as I mean to go on and make it known / clear what's acceptable and what isn't. I'm tired of just going with the flow.

ash23

I've not heard from my fella since after the match on Sunday either but I don't mind. He hates texting. He said he'll ring me tonight and he will.
We often have a day or two a week where we have no contact but the other days we either meet up or we talk on the phone.

I don't see the big deal but I suppose if it's a change in pattern from your guys norm, then it may be a concern.
For me, it wouldn't cost me a thought.

Pippy1976

ash23 wrote: »

I don't see the big deal but I suppose if it's a change in pattern from your guys norm, then it may be a concern.
For me, it wouldn't cost me a thought.

It is a break in the norm so it is a big deal... not a huge one but it annoyed me. He says he didn't ring because he didn't want an argument ... neither did I but I do want to let him know it's not on. I had a bad day yesterday so a chat with him would've made things easier.

it didn't help. at all.

stargazer 68

Pippy1976 wrote: »

It is a break in the norm so it is a big deal... not a huge one but it annoyed me. He says he didn't ring because he didn't want an argument ... .

You see I don't get that. They know you are annoyed with them so they don't get in touch to avoid an argument - which only makes you more annoyed! :rolleyes: Ah who understands these men creatures!

ash23

I'll be honest here. I think you sound very demanding. After 3 months it should be perfectly ok for him to have a hangover, not feel like talking for one day and skip answering a call.

Would it not bother you that he thinks you're so demanding that he is avoiding calls for fear of an argument? Like that he knows you will fight with him simply because he didn't answer your call/call you back right away? After only 3 months seeing each other?

I don't know. You come across in your posts as a bit agressive and maybe your past experience is clouding things. Like, you said that in all your other relationships the other person calls the shots and you seem adamant that it won't happen in this one. But maybe you're going for overkill on this to make sure you're in charge? And it's become a problem for him?

I don't know, I just don't think that a relationship should be a power struggle to be honest and it seems like you're in one and he's not liking it.

Pippy1976

It's not a question of a power struggle but respecting what your other half needs. We're both in our mid-30's so have alot of relationship experience under the bridge to know what we want / don't want.

I'm not demanding. We've never argued and I don't intend to start one now... that's why I don't understand why he thinks we'd argue over this. We wouldn't... I just want him to know a text goes a long way. It's called respect.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that.

ash23

But you are sort of imposing your beliefs on him.
I work in a job where I have to talk to people all day and some days I get home and I don't answer my phone because I'm tired of talking to people.

I have been in relationships where the person texts all day every day. I've been in relationships where the other person hates texting and calls instead every other day.

I just think you're over reacting. It was ONE day that he wasn't in touch and he knew you weren't going to be happy about it so he ignored you rather than deal with you. Not very mature of him but then again, not a very good basis for a relationship either if he's basically avoiding talking to you because he didn't answer one call.

Are you also respecting what he needs? A day off to recover from his hangover? A bit of space?

If he treats you well and is good to you and is trustworthy then I really don't see what is to be gained from laying down the law and basically saying he must be in daily contact and he must answer your calls or he is disrespecting you.
It all seems like a lot of work and being honest if someone said it to me, I'd really have to reconsider what I wanted.

Can you see it at all from his side? That he just didn't feel like talking. For one day?

Pippy1976

Yes I can see it from his point. He didn't want to deal with an argument. I just want it known that I wouldn't have had an argument and it was unfair, and upset me, that he would think that.

I really am upset. He shouldn't assume I'm going to argue with him. Is this how it's going to be whenever he goes out? Is he going to ignore me everytime he feels I'm going to be annoyed about something?

Ignoring is never the best option. Best deal with it, whatever it is. He wasn't ringing me 'cos he thought I'd be annoyed, the more that went on the more annoyed I would get... so, when would he decide to call?? When I'd gotten so annoyed I just didn't want to hear from him at all, ever??

Ridiculous logic. Totally ridiculous.

P. Breathnach

Pippy1976 wrote: »

... (I'm not an argumentative person but do let it known when I'm pissed off about something)....

It's interesting that you put that in parentheses, treating it almost as an aside.

The only way you can achieve telling him that you are pissed off with his behaviour and not have an argument is if he accepts it as something that is not to be argued about - that you lay down the law and he obeys it.

Yes, I think your initial complaint had some validity: it was bad form on his part not to respond to you. But his excuse/explanation might also have some validity: he didn't want to be ticked off by you.

You both might benefit from a constructive discussion to clear the air, with both of you being prepared to recognise your failings.

ash23

But you were annoyed this morning before you spoke to him and found out he avoided your call because he didn't want a fight. So he was right. He knew that by not speaking to you for a day that you would be upset.

You said in the posts this morning that it was rude and disrespectful of him not to call you yesterday. So you were annoyed at him. He knew you would be. That to me speaks volumes.
You say you wouldn't have had an argument but you also say you would have let it be known that his behaviour was unacceptable. If he thought his behaviour was ok, that would have led to an argument.

Do you think it's acceptable for you to expect him to call you every single day?

Maybe it would be better to discuss both of your expectations about what seeing someone entails. He might not agree that daily contact is necessary in which case you need to accept it or decide you need someone who will be there daily.

Pippy1976

He calls me daily ... not the other way 'round. He set the precedent, not me.

There is also a difference between having an argument about something and discussing you're dissatisfaction about something. I would have gone for the latter option - a clear discussion about what I expected from him after a night out.

Clearly it's my fault for not setting that out beforehand.

Dolly Daydreams

Personally it wouldn't bother me if I didn't get daily contact, but everybody is different. Did something else blow up before regarding contact that he assumed you would be angry with him for not returning your call?

Pippy1976

Dolly Daydreams wrote: »

Did something else blow up before regarding contact that he assumed you would be angry with him for not returning your call?

Nope, nothing. It's out of character... although, I laugh as I say that, because I only know him 3 months so really, what do I know!!?!

Dolly Daydreams

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Nope, nothing. It's out of character... although, I laugh as I say that, because I only know him 3 months so really, what do I know!!?!

But you've talked since on the phone right? If it is out of character maybe just give him the benefit of the doubt this time since he really hasn't done anything terribly wrong.

Pippy1976

Dolly Daydreams wrote: »

But you've talked since on the phone right? If it is out of character maybe just give him the benefit of the doubt this time since he really hasn't done anything terribly wrong.

Talked briefly this morning.

Maybe you're right. Thanks

i think maybe you are a little bit OTT here OP.

you left him to watch match, so you saw him on Sunday. Id imagine he had few drinks, bit hungover on Monday, just wasnt up to chatting. happens to me regularly enough. a day to feel sorry for myself nursing a hangover!
then you spoke to him today.

you seem extremely upset over this OP, too much so. it was only one day.

or maybe you are upset because you felt he wasnt thinking/missing you? he was off enjoying himself and forgot about you?
if you do feel like this then i would advise trying to sort this out, because this will always cause trouble.
he is a grown man, he doesnt HAVE to talk to anyone for a day if he doesnt feel like it! its only been 3 months.

Pippy1976

bubblypop wrote: »

maybe you are upset because you felt he wasnt thinking/missing you? he was off enjoying himself and forgot about you?

Bang on, this is exactly what I feel. As a person who thinks about my OH's feelings pretty much 100% of the time then it's always disappointing when they don't do the same for me.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what happened... fair enough, time to move on & forget about it.

ash23

I think you need to relax a little. It's very very early days. Referring to him as your OH and expecting him to consider you 100% of the time is expecting too much imo.

You mentioned that you are both in your 30s. In my own experience, people who are older tend to have more fulfilled lives. A good social circle, hobbies, work, family etc and are not as intense about a new relationship as lets say someone in their 20s or teens.

I know my relationships take up far less head space and time now than they did 10 years ago. I am also used to, and enjoy, my own company.
Perhaps your boyfriend is just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

squonk

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Bang on, this is exactly what I feel. As a person who thinks about my OH's feelings pretty much 100% of the time then it's always disappointing when they don't do the same for me.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what happened... fair enough, time to move on & forget about it.

Hi Pippy. To be honest you sound a bit full on in your posts. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you sound like a bit of a wagon. Now, I know you're in a bad mood over this but given the impression I got, I'm not surprised your bf took an AWOL day because if I was hungover or even just a bit the worse for wear and tired, I wouldn't want the grief either.

How can you be thinking of your OH 100% of the time for gods sake? you need to relax a bit and look at other parts of your life. At the end of the day it's only a 3 month old relationship.

Your comment along the lines of 'I had a bad day yesterday and could have done with the support' speaks volumes to me. Your fella had a bit of a bad day yesterday as well if he was tired and hungover. Can you not just Girl Up and face a bad day yourself? It's nice having another person around but not always essential. If you were going out long term and maybe even living together then you might well have a reasonable expectation that your OH would be there for you, but you're in the first throes of a relationship. That's hardly fair.

Frankly I'd say go back to going with the flow again or your fella might not be going with you much longer. Just relax and enjoy what you have but acknowledge that you're both entitled to your own time and space.

omega666

Speaking as a guy i think this seems a bit OTT also,

If your going to get this upset over your fella not speaking to you for just one day i dread to think what you would be like over a serious issue.
No wounder the poor guy is afraid to ring you.

It would set alarm bells ringing for me and i would be gone.

Pippy1976

squonk wrote: »

Hi Pippy. To be honest you sound a bit full on in your posts. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you sound like a bit of a wagon.

I appreciate the advice but calling me a wagon is non-constructive. Uncalled for in fact.

I was asking for advice, I got it, am taking it on board so thank you all for responding.

gara

Pippy, it's like this: Your boyfriend is entitled to go away, he's entitled to enjoy himself without you and heck, he's even entitled to not miss you! I know it doesn't say this in the storybooks but guess what, this is real life and he's a real person so respect his space without throwing a wobbler because you feel you aren't occupying his mind 24/7. Neediness is not attractive and I'm sure he wants to go out with a woman, not a 5 year old

Pippy1976

gara wrote: »

Pippy, it's like this: Your boyfriend is entitled to go away, he's entitled to enjoy himself without you and heck, he's even entitled to not miss you! I know it doesn't say this in the storybooks but guess what, this is real life and he's a real person so respect his space without throwing a wobbler because you feel you aren't occupying his mind 24/7. Neediness is not attractive and I'm sure he wants to go out with a woman, not a 5 year old

Message received. Loud & very clear.

gara

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Message received. Loud & very clear.

Great, just don't forget to have your own life too ok -it's too much pressure to make one person your world, take care!

silly

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Message received. Loud & very clear.

IMO you were not over the top.
He ignored you because you would be annoyed...but you were only annoyed because he ignored you...

I would just say to him, hey, a txt to let me know how you are wouldnt go astray....if he didnt want to talk, he could have just txt (takes less than a minute) and say that he was hungover and that he'd get in contact the next day or whatever. I think its common decency, no matter who you are, girlfriend, sister, brother, parent or friend, or whoever has made the effort to contact you.

Pippy1976

silly wrote: »

IMO you were not over the top.
He ignored you because you would be annoyed...but you were only annoyed because he ignored you...

I would just say to him, hey, a txt to let me know how you are wouldnt go astray....if he didnt want to talk, he could have just txt (takes less than a minute) and say that he was hungover and that he'd get in contact the next day or whatever. I think its common decency, no matter who you are, girlfriend, sister, brother, parent or friend, or whoever has made the effort to contact you.

I agree. I could go down that road. But honest to God, it'd be opening a can of worms and we'd end up having an argument and after 3 months is it such a big deal anyway (as all the other posters have pointed out)?


Maybe the next time he's going out I'll just let him know that a text would be nice if he got the time to send one. Leave it at that.

indough

i don't really think feeling obliged to let your partner of three months know where you are all the time falls under the heading of common decency. i think the op realises their mistake at this stage anyway

edit: or maybe not

squonk

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I appreciate the advice but calling me a wagon is non-constructive. Uncalled for in fact.

I was asking for advice, I got it, am taking it on board so thank you all for responding.

Hi Pippy, I didn't mean it in an insulting context but more short hand for higly sensitive and a bit pushy. Perhaps I should have said all that instead. I think though that this is some of why your fella fell off the planet for a day. Heck, what I'm doing now for, admittedly a poor choice of words on my behalf, is sort of an indicator of what the guy is up against. I certainly wouldn't be in the mood for this after a night on the beer. Relax and enjoy being with this guy. If the relationship is causing you grief however, perhaps decide to move on.

Vastly Blank

Yeah, for me I would also agree with silly and tell him the next time a text would be nice. I know it has only been three months but for me the length of a relationship is irrelevant . it’s about how much a person puts into it emotionally or mentally. Some relationships you put more into then others. As you say yourself you think about his feelings 100% of the time. So for me you are putting in a lot. So when you did hit a bump you got annoyed ( and there is nothing wrong with this) because you thought ye were both on the same page regarding contact.

Pippy1976

Well seemingly, as I'm reading the posts I'm learning this, a 3 month relationship doesn't count for much on here & I shouldn't be investing so much of myself in it!

Regardless of the replies, I know the relationship and how we interact with eachother. This was out of character and disrespectful in my opinion and I'm not sure there's anything wrong in thinking that.

However, and I've learned this from the replies today, it's not cause for an argument and I should just let it go. If I notice a pattern though I'll definitely be bringing it to my boyfriend's attention.

He just didn't want to be listening to me yesterday, fair enough but it's still a bit rude.

x Purple Pawprints x

OP I actually think you have the right to be a little bit annoyed seeing as it's out of character for him. I think you should let it go though however but just mention next time that a text would be nice as you said yourself.

Katgurl

this might not be relevant but the man could have been GUTTED after the football and off licking his wounds for the day and not in the humour to speak to anyone? then he might have been like "oh f**k, now i have The Fear (hangover wise), am pi$$ed about the football AND my girlfriend is going to be in a mood..." and he clearly just went for avoidance till you phoned again and he picked up and explained it.

i wouldnt bring it up again, you'll come across as totally needy. maybe just next time think "ok, he's doing his thing and if its just one day and one call i've to accept that". Because nobody is perfect and we are all entitled to a little bit of leeway.

x Purple Pawprints x

I don't think the football is that big of an excuse. Ok he might not have wanted to talk to anyone but a text to say he's ok takes one minute.

silly

indough wrote: »

i don't really think feeling obliged to let your partner of three months know where you are all the time falls under the heading of common decency. i think the op realises their mistake at this stage anyway

edit: or maybe not

What I meant was, If you miss a call from someone....its common decency to return their call.

ash23

silly wrote: »

What I meant was, If you miss a call from someone....its common decency to return their call.

It is but she called Monday and again on Tuesday morning. She didn't exactly give him a decent chance to return the call. He didn't want to talk Monday but she called him at 11.30am Tuesday morning.
It's also common decency to give someone a chance to call you back.

silly

ash23 wrote: »

It is but she called Monday and again on Tuesday morning. She didn't exactly give him a decent chance to return the call. He didn't want to talk Monday but she called him at 11.30am Tuesday morning.
It's also common decency to give someone a chance to call you back.

yes, but he made it clear that he purposely didnt return her call.

Ickle Magoo

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I agree. I could go down that road. But honest to God, it'd be opening a can of worms and we'd end up having an argument and after 3 months is it such a big deal anyway (as all the other posters have pointed out)?


Maybe the next time he's going out I'll just let him know that a text would be nice if he got the time to send one. Leave it at that.

Okay OP - as you seems to have reached a conclusion here, I'll lock the thread.

All the best. :cool: