Hidden problems

LegacyUser

To the world I am doing successful, a nice genuine person, someone up for a laugh, always up for a night out, a good friend, you may even say all round a good person.

In my head, I am in turmoil.

The short of it, I am suffering with an eating disorder/depression/ very negative thinking/ self disgust/ lack of motivation/ insecurities/ stress/ lack of sleep/ single- never in a relationship/ and its so embarrassing to admit, but tinges of jealousy of some of my friends happy lives. I feel I cannot reveal the true person I am to these friends because I am ashamed of who I am right now, and do not want to project that horrible image of myself while I am still that person. I cannot tell some of my closest friends, simply because they actually have alot of the plates too and I do not want to add worry/ stress on their own burdens. I havnt talked to some of my friends in a while, and I sometimes avoid the how are you doing question in texts because sometimes I am crying on the other side of the phone but I cant reveal it.. It is just all consuming. I dont want it to affect my relationship with my friends also.and in a few months for them to look on me as the girl with 'that problem.'
Facebook has started to really affect me- its just a complete FACE or gloss over ones life. It makes me feel bad looking at how everyone is living their lives so happily while I am have this dark cloud hanging over me. I want to take myself off, but it raises too many suspicions. I just dont know how to get through this, I have tried so hard and i feel my life will always be like this.
Thanks for reading.

looksee

You need to talk to your GP. I know this sounds like a cop-out on here, but you have enough issues to need professional help.

You do not have to use Facebook. I know this is revolutionary, but it isn't so very long ago that fb did not exist and people managed to keep in touch. All you are seeing is the superficial version of your friends. Just say to people, 'I'm wasting too much time on fb, if you want to contact me, text or email'. It will be a layer less hassle in your life.

I have a fb page but I do not use it, the only reason I have it is because a club I belong to keeps in touch through fb, we only post club stuff - where we are meeting, what is going to happen. I haven't even looked at my own page in months and I completely ignore all the 'be my friend' 'play a game with me' stuff. People get used to it.

Ease up on yourself, give yourself a bit of time and love, and talk to your GP.

wylo

I feel I cannot reveal the true person I am to these friends because I am ashamed of who I am right now, and do not want to project that horrible image of myself while I am still that person.

You may not beleive this now because its so frustrating having all those thoughts whirl around your head, but "who you are" is actually NOT all that crap floating in your head. Who you are is actually the other description you give, and the rest is just untrue negative relentless thoughts that actually lead to physical stress.

I think any time someone gives out about this issue, it is NOT a case of giving someone some mild advice. I second the other poster, get help, its a crap way to live and has you beleiving stuff about yourself that isnt true. Im not going to try remind you of your good factors because that will give you little help when you get up tomorrow and go through the same crap in your head again.

Honestly, read up on CBT, look up Byron Katies "the work", contact a GP, as in, treat this as an issue that must be dealt with now.

It is possible with alot of work to stop believing your thoughts, and this whole issue is entirely based around your thoughts and how they are shaping your view of the world.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your above replies. I know* i have a problem..i know if it was anyone else i would prob accompany them to the doctor too!but i just cant bear having to deal with the problem and have people remember me by it or let me be defined by it. I am worried because i dont want to have my mental health down on my medical records..forever to haunt me. I want to get through it and over it and never be reminded or blackened by it. I am bulimic by the way.. and a healthy size so no one (bar one friend) has the faintest idea. I feel i cant leave facebook as im worried about isolating myself even further.. and feeling even worse.yet i know i always feel like i cant keep up to everyone elses lives. Its like one big advertisement to show who has the best life?!!I feel sometimes there must be people like me hiding behind the smiles... Thank you also for suggesting that book- il look into getting it also. 'I think, therefore I am' I know my thoughts are shaping my world, but how do you escape your own head Id love a mute button..do anti-d's (i cant even say the word) make you feel nothing/numb or what is their purpose?
Thanks.

edellc

I have read your story OP and that was me many years ago, I had all these voices in my head telling me what a crap person I was, I literally hated myself, I threw up after meals too as it was the only thing that I seemed to be able to control but did it because I hated myself and disgusted myself.

OP what about your family, I know that I didnt tell my friends either because of the stigma, so is your mother still with you, do you speak to her....Im sure she would be distraught knowing one of her children was going through this

I know that even though I was living out of home at the time with my partner, it was my mam who brought me to the doctors, who got me on anti depressents...they stop the negetive thoughts and put downs it does take time....maybe a councillor too would help that way you can talk openly about your issues without getting judged or dragging your friends into it

I know you dont want a medical record of it but whats the alternative, get so down that you start thinking of ways to end it all :eek: I was there and its a very dark place to be don't let it get that far and don't say it wont because you can not predict the future either, and seeking help is the bravest thing you can do

it only stays on your record as long as you stay with your GP, and anti depressants dont have to be for life, I was on them for a few years only mam and my OH knew and after 3/4yrs I came of them as I had started to feel nothing , not happy not sad just numb and thats not how your suppose to live life as life is about feeling but not feeling sh*t all the time, so I came off them and after a while I started to struggle so went back to the GP and went back on them....Its about recognising the signs of when you need help and seeking it out...non of your friends need to know anything, its not like your doctor is going to ring them and advertise it you are the only one that will know and whoever you choose to tell

I am off them nearly 3years now and I am in a happy place, I feel so sad for the person I was as depression is such a horrible illness with so many stigmas attached, yet I am in the happiest place I have ever been now and that is down to getting the help I needed for the depression and talking about my issues.

As for the bulimia, that was an effect of depression for me and once I started to feel better about myself I stopped throwing up as I stop being so disgusted about myself, I know this doesnt happen for eveyone and you may need to seek special help for this, but I urge you to go to your GP and seek the help you need as from what I have read this will not just disappear on its own

As for FB you know its a fake, ppl put there best foot forward and let ppl see what they want to see, I had to stop with it as it was making me very down, however I do have a page and check in every second day but I dont post about my life and I take what others have posted with a pinch of salt

I do hope you help yourself OP

Peace and love x

girlonfire

OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time. I know how lonely it is when you feel you are alone in something so all-consuming. The truth is, you only think you are alone in this. You sound like a really good friend. I'm sure people who care about you would want to support you in this.
I've been there op and it - the depression, eating disorders, anxiety, etc. - took away years of my life that I cannot get back. I've felt that I had absolutely nothing to live for and that is such a dark place to be. I agree with everything @edellc said. You need to confide in someone. If you continue to sweep these problems under the carpet and deal with them alone, you will undoubtedly feel worse. I tried to do that and it resulted in a complete breakdown, which took a very long time for me to come back from.
It's simply not worth it. The only way through is to deal with the issues/feelings at the root of your problems.
I wish you all the best op.
X

looksee

There is no shame, and nothing wrong with going to your GP when your emotions need a bit of help. Its just a chemical imbalance most of the time that needs to be adjusted. I can tell you from personal experience that the relief of having those kinds of issues sorted is amazing. Its not something that being told to 'pull yourself together' or 'be grateful for what you have' is going to help.

Sometimes you may find counselling will help, sometimes you need both medication and counselling, but you will not figure that out on your own, you need to get some advice from an expert. No-one other than your doctor will see your medical records, having medical help in that regard is not 'going on your record' in any way that matters. Stressing out and finding reasons not to go to your doctor is, in a way, part of the problem. Make a decision to do it and make an appointment.

LostTazMan

OP, you are getting very good advice here. Please go to your GP for help, every one and every case is different but all can be helped.

LTM.

LegacyUser

Thank you again for your replies, you are very kind hearted to offer me your advice. I am so afraid of going to the doctors and revealing this.. I am afraid of the person I am, and I am afraid of the person I could become on Anti d's, numbing yourself of emotions, i just dont see how it solves the problem, only masking it beneath a haze of drugs. I am crying as I write this, as my weekend started off so well, yesterday I did not overeat, then i just lost the run of myself and purged. It is disgusting.How can I reveal this to a friend, a family member, I actually think they would think it was sick, literally, too. I dont have a great relationship with my mother. I would rather die than tell her, she would only think it was my fault anyways or else think I am greedy. Siblings- simply could not put them through the worry, i know they would really care, but seriously it would kill me more to reveal it Its so hard- you cannot give up food if its a problem, like an recovering alcoholic can never chance just one drink and so they have to abstain forever. I know I cannot continue living this semi-life, in the public i am normal, in private I am unstable. I'll just have to keep trying. I feel pretty bad about myself, but Im not in as bad a place as I have been before. If i go back there again, I'll remember your advice and go to the doctor.
Thanks again.

girlonfire

op, at one stage I was being sent to hospital and still saying the same things you've stated here. I wanted my family to pretend I was gone away for a while so I could keep up the facade - absolutely insane to think that that's the amount of pressure I was putting on both myself and my family when I look back now.
It also goes to show the level of denial I was in about my situation. I know it's hard. I know anti-depressants seem like a foreign concept when you've never even had to think along those lines before, but what they actually do is lift your mood to a stable level whereby you can begin to uncover the underlying reasons for your eating disorder, depression, etc. I'd be more inclined to think of them as a safety net.
As an adult, it's up to you to take action - you could talk to your gp and your mother doesn't necessarily have to know. Ultimately, you have to make the decision to keep living this way or to get help.
I truly wish you all the best.
Love and peace, X

edellc

OP from your last post you really do sound like you have a bad depression and a very serious eating disorder and I really do think you need help

the fact that you are making excuses as to why you wont seek it is proof enough of how depressed you are, that is part of the illness

and anti depressants do make you feel nothing EVENTUALLY but not at first and when they make you feel nothing that is the time to come off them and see how you are, this process can take years to happen and what would you rather, feel the way you do now for ever or get the tablets stabilise the chemicals in your brain (that's what depression is caused by) and get a proper perspective on how your life is and seek the help and then and only then when you feel well or dont feel up or down come off the anti depressants and go from there

Life is what you make it and you are the only one who can control it, you make the decisions for yourself and you decide what is right or wrong for you, but when you have depression your brain is not functioning right and you need to get that fixed so you can take back control, its like having a chest infection and not getting anti biotic's to cure it and leaving it go on and on until you get phenomena which can actually kill you, depression is just an illness that can be cured with medication, get over it and get help or wallow in self pity...its your choice and your life

LostTazMan

OP, in my case those closest to me knew something was very badly wrong with several months even though I kept denying it. Turns out it was a huge relief to them when I could admit to it. My GP recommended councelling and did not put me on anti Ds, I was able to climb a good bit of the way out of the hole I was in without them. Please go talk to a GP, and explain how you feel. Even if medication is necessary in the short term you can work towards the day you don't need it. Life can be so much better, get help to get out of the hole. LTM

LegacyUser

I dont want to seem like I am fighting against what you are saying here, I know I have problems, but if I put them in perspective, I am not as bad as some people are when they are depressed. I can hold down a job, get up and go in the morning with work, but its just in the evenings, I lack any form of motivation, and i spend so much time focused on food that it leaves me little room to do much else. maybe there is an alternative than going down the anti d route, are there herbal remedies? certain foods I can take, I know exercise is also important, i find it hard to actually feel enough zing to make me get up and go. Is it possible that I am just weak, lazy, disillusioned and not really depressed?Surely there are people out there that would like to shake me and say COP YOURSELF ON, you are doing this harm to yourself, why cant you just stop!I am not the strong, confident individual everyone thinks I am, but maybe thats whats keeping me going. It subtracts from the reality.
I am worried about going on anti d's, when I really wasnt ready for them and what would the side effect be, are you on a major high as a result? Do you only take anti d's when you are down as a boost or is it a regular 3 a day thing? Thanks for your advice, Ive been mulling over it since and it has helped me knowing that I am and will not be the only one who falls on hard times.
Thanks again.

Ickle Magoo

OP, we can't give medical advice.

We can't tell you what kind of medication you would need, how often you would need them, nor what the likely side-effects would be - these are all things you need to discuss with your GP.

All the best

edellc

Seriously OP read your post, most people with depression do hold down jobs, do have normal social lives, their friends think they are the happy ones...that is what depression does and the people who have it put up masks

if you are not willing to go get help then why post here looking for advice, if you want to know about foods go to a nutritionist or google it, you are making a big deal out of anti depressants and its people like you that give a stigma to people with depression even tho you clearly have it, as I said its like taking anti biotics for a chest infection would you let that fester and turn into something more deadly...no so why treat depression any differently its not it needs medication as its a chemical imbalance in the brain, educate yourself

Have you actually read any of the posts as if you have then your last post full of question makes it look like you havent as your questions have been answered, or are you a troll???

Go to your GP seek help if you dont want to then eat yourself into oblivion, you know you need help but wont help yourself and as they say you can lead a horse to water but cant make it drink well you are that horse

I dont mean to sound harsh but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind and depression is certainly one of those illnesses that need a bit of it

Ickle Magoo

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a fat guy

Sounds like your problems are snowballing pretty badly OP, but if you went out to seek help you'd be on the road to recovery.

I really don't want to belittle your troubles and problems, but if you used EVERY LAST BIT OF WILLPOWER IN YOUR BEING to force yourself into a good mood, it would have a hugely positive effect on you.

Please do not think that I'm saying that you have it easy (As I'm sure some people would think, after reading this post), but I was down in the dumps in a horrible way for a very long time myself and I changed many things about my lifestyle. I started by giving up bad habits, and from there I took control of my life and forced happiness upon myself and refused to be sad. Giving up things is easy enough, but forcing a good attitude can be difficult. Don't give up on yourself and I'm sure that you'll be right as rain in the end

Never underestimate what one person is capable of.