Can't get over guilt of break-up

LegacyUser

Two years ago I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. We never fought. I simply did not love him any more. I've never regretted the decision to break up. But I still think he's an amazing man, and I have the utmost respect for him.

In a way, I feel it would be much easier if we broke up on bad terms, if we hated each other.

We've only spoken a handful of times since. However he's never gotten over the break-up. He is miserable and depressed (he never was when we were together.) He still has lots going for him in life - a great job, family and friends - but, according to mutual friends, as far as he's concerned, his life ended when I broke up with him. He doesn't think he'll ever be happy again.

I've moved on. Six months ago, I met a new man, and we're very happy together. I'm excited about our future.

However I don't think I'll ever be able to get over the guilt of ruining my ex's life. I think about him most days, even if only fleetingly. I don't think I'll ever again be able to be fully happy, knowing that he's not.

Is this normal, and is there anything I can do?

calex71

No you did the right thing OP , what was the alternative? Stay in a relationship you were not happy in for the sake of his feelings? I've been where he is and as much as it hurt I would rather the straight up approach then lies or being cheated on etc. you did the right thing how he feels as a result is unfortunate but better than being false about the situation imo.

SunnyDub1

Hi Op,

You did the right thing. Its naturally to feel the way you are feeling. But at the end of the day, there is nothing you can do to change how he is feeling. getting over a break up can be hard and it takes some time. It was in no way your fault and he will appreciate your honesty in the future.

Try not to get to hung up over and enjoy your new relationship. Your ex will soon meet someone that will make him as happy as you are.

I think your best off now cutting all contact with your ex and try avoid hearing stories about how is feeling or what he is doing with his life. It won't help the situation.

Kooli

After any serious break up or heart-break, it is ALWAYS impossible to imagine being happy again. But then, eventually, things get better and then suddenly it happens - happiness!

He's not there yet, but there's nothing you can do about that. You shouldn't have anything to do with him or play any part in his life. I presume your guilt isn't just about breaking up with him (because that was obviously the right thing to do) - perhaps you feel guilty about other things in the relationship like letting it go on as long as it did? Or other things that you may have done to him that were unfair.

You're going to have to make your peace with this yourself and forgive yourself. He will get over you. You didn't 'ruin his life' - if his only chance at happiness was to be in a relationship with someone who didn't really love him, then his problems are bigger than you.

BraziliaNZ

God he's had 2 years, it's not your fault he's wallowing. You shouldn't be talking to him at all though. If he's not moving on he has bigger issues that you dumping him, but they should not be your concern. I thought my life was over forever last year having been dumped, now I couldn't care less and wouldn't mind meeting someone else but I realise now it would never have worked with the ex.
Leave him to it, he might grow a pair in time.

stargazer 68

OP you did not 'ruin his life' - he will get over it and as someone said if he doesn't then he has bigger issues! Move on with yours and stop contacting him - you are not helping. You certainly aren't doing your new man a favour either.

djimi

You didnt ruin his life; he is making himself miserable by not moving on. You did nothing wrong; if you didnt feel it any more then you were right to break it off with him. Its understandable to feel a bit bad about it for a short while afterwards, but two years later he really should be copping onto himself and getting over it. The fact that he hasnt is in no way your problem; Id say the best thing for you to do is to cut all contact and get on with living your own life. Nothing you say or do is going to help him sort himself out.