Being so sensitive and self conscious is ruining my life

LegacyUser

I need some advice, gonna go unreg for this. All my life i have been really sensitive, i take offence easily and i am really self conscious. In work the other day a customer gave out to me because i made a mistake. I got so upset and so embarrassed it reduced me to tears. The slightest thing gets me down, comments from people bother me, I can be very shy and i feel like people hate me for it. Sometimes when im with my friends we could be chatting away and id ask something and no one would answer and i get really upset and embarrassed yet again.

I dont wanna ramble on. i think im a nice person, im always helpful and friendly with people but just feel people dont like me and i dont know why. i think it has caused me to become depressed and i dont know what to do

looksee

That is good advice from sunflower. I am no longer a teenager (:D) but occasionally if I am tired or stressed I can get that feeling and it is not pleasant.

Try and stand outside yourself and ask if it were someone else would you consider they had been 'put down'. Don't allow yourself to concentrate on it, as Sunflower says, try and rationalise it. Someone cuts across you in a conversation or doesn't answer your point - if you pay attention you will become aware that, with the best will in the world, you do that yourself occasionally to other people - maybe someone else is talking to you at the same time, maybe you are concentrating on answering someone else.

There are times when someone is having a go at you or being deliberately off with you, that is different and you can ignore or deal with as you see fit, but all the other times are just the way life is, not aimed at you personally at all.

It is also possible to say with a grin - as I was saying when you all ignored me...

In customer service, don't take it personally - keep smiling, be courteous, deal with the issue, apologise if necessary, but don't allow yourself to be any more involved than that. Consciously stand up straight and take a breath, you will distance yourself from the customer a bit and be more able to cope. I don't know why that works, but it does.

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for your kind words, means alot.

Im actually not a teenager im in my mid twenties, thats probably why it frustrates me so much.
As i am shy with many people i do try my best to be helpful where i work and smile all the time. Today however a customer i dont ever remember seeing before passed a remark to me saying "cheer up you were this miserable last week too". I could feel tears in my eyes, because i knew this was certainly not the case. I was in a perfectly fine mood today. Just because im not overly chatting like others that i work with does not make me miserable. How would other deal with a comment like that, would you ignore it or take it to heart? I have taken it to heart i must say.

wylo

OP, you've taken a first step which is good, you dont blame the other people , you know its entirely your own issue and nothing to do with them. Not saying that suddenly makes it better, but its a start.

Believe me, Ive been there, I know what its like, its not nice wanting other peoples approval, and its not the other peoples fault for not serving your constant needs to prop up your sense of self. I know that seems harsh but its the truth of the situation.

I dont know if I can agree with looksee here in terms of trying to stand out of the situation , rationalising it and trying to see that you do that too. Maybe you dont do that.

Again, the issue isnt that you get cut off, or receive insults or whatever. The issue is that you are so invested in your sense of self and your self esteem that it becomes a HUGE deal when it happens.
It happens us all, truth is, alot of people just dont care, and thats the way it should be.

I would seriously recommend seeing a counceller or consider CBT or something about this,especially if its bothering you to the point of depression.

Because its an awful way to live, you are basically waiting around for the perfect situation to keep you happy, i.e. someone responding to you the way you'd like, no-one cutting you off, receiving compliments instead of insults. It can get VERY tiring wanting things to be always ideal.


Ive been there, I know exatly how it feels, Ive put myself beneath people and hoped they responded or treated me like an equal, and if they didnt Id be gutted, sometimes to the point that I would begin to dislike the person.
Truth is,it was MY problem, not theirs, they were decent nice people, its just I wanted their personality and their attitude to completely fit in with my expectations.

I took a philosophical route, its gone now, Im completely and totally free from it.
Have you considered Byron Katie, the work? Its worth looking up on youtube, very interesting and powerful and simple process. And free of course.

looksee

OverSensitive wrote: »

Thank you very much for your kind words, means alot.

Im actually not a teenager im in my mid twenties, thats probably why it frustrates me so much.
As i am shy with many people i do try my best to be helpful where i work and smile all the time. Today however a customer i dont ever remember seeing before passed a remark to me saying "cheer up you were this miserable last week too". I could feel tears in my eyes, because i knew this was certainly not the case. I was in a perfectly fine mood today. Just because im not overly chatting like others that i work with does not make me miserable. How would other deal with a comment like that, would you ignore it or take it to heart? I have taken it to heart i must say.

Look OP, that remark by the customer is absolutely nothing to do with you or how you behave. That is a busy-body old cow who ought to mind her own business, and you don't have to get involved in it.

In your job you can't really make a smart remark, which would be the best way of telling her to get lost, so you do exaggerated patience and say 'is there anything else?' or a similar 'please go away' remark. I agree with Wylo though, if you are as sensitive to others comments as you are suggesting, maybe some counselling would be helpful.

In the meantime though, look at your question - 'would you take it to heart'?
Why should you take it to heart? Try and figure out what makes you think you should. You don't know her, or she you. This is not a partner making a comment that you feel you ought to at least consider. This is a complete stranger who has not right or reason to make personal remarks, and you certainly have no reason to pay any attention, unless you wish to. Even then, you don't have to take it to heart, just use it as a bit of feedback, with the option of dismissing it.

LegacyUser

Thanks again

I think what has really gotten to me is not my friends cutting me off, because im sure its not intentional. And maybe i am guilty of it myself, though i like to think i pay more attention than that.

What has really gotten to me most, to the point of tears is strangers commenting. What i said above that was said to me in work today has gotten to me so so much that its all i can think of. I hate to think of someone who doesnt know me thinking im rude or miserable. When im not at all i am just very shy. People dont know how their comments get to people, i am not very thick skinned. It amazes me that people could say something like that to a stranger.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

OP - rationalise it, how many customers do you see on a given month and how many have said to you what this customer did?

It is not a common occurence - as said, it was some busybody sticking her oar in.

I did not mean to imply you were a teenager, just that I was shy as a teen and in college up until I travelled in my mid-20s.

Would you consider a few counselling sessions?

You make a good point, i could see hundreds a day and have had maybe 4 bad experiences in nearly two years, but of course i only focus on the bad.
I am just shy and a comment like that bothers me because strangers dont know me, they dont know im shy they dont know that what they have said really bothers me. I know i would never ever dream of saying that to anyone ever i wouldnt ever make an assumption like that about someone whos first name i didnt even know. Looking back now i wish i had of replied and said "sorry i dont think its fair of you to make a hurtful remark like that to someone you dont even know" but i think i was a bit too shocked at the time!!

I would be interested in counselling im stupidly not really certain how to go about it though.

ihsb

OP. This could have been written by me. Counselling has helped me but I know that I probably will always battle it.

As a previous poster suggested. You have to rationalise things. Try to concentrate on the good things people say. Also; when you are not in work, when you are with friends and family. Make sure you only surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself. Do not waste your time on toxic people.

looksee

OverSensitive wrote: »

I am just shy and a comment like that bothers me because strangers dont know me, they dont know im shy they dont know that what they have said really bothers me.

Of course they do not know you, they are strangers! They don't know you are shy either, why would they?

This is not about you, this is about a nosy auld one that just automatically parrots the first thing that comes into her head, under the impression that she is making conversation. You are giving her too much credit, assuming she has more than three brain cells. Let it go, why would you give her control over your happiness? That is what you are doing, giving her power over you.