STD Issue(long post)

LegacyUser

I have a personal issue with my girlfriend and I would like some advice. So basically met this lovely girl in college 2 years ago, she was attached during the first year so I never made a move but we became close friends etc.
Roll on till last August and we got together after the breakup of her relationship with her then boyfriend. Things were going great and sex was wonderful etc. but she always insisted on condoms which I had a problem with as I had trouble maintaining erection with them on but not all the time with erection. We did have unprotected sex a few times and there was never a problem with erection. I withdrew during those times and one time she took the morning after pill, just in case. She said she was afraid of getting pregnant and the pill did not agree with her so I just had to accept the condoms.
I accepted this and tried to work through it and I found that if I left it alone for a few days I would be so wound up for sex I could maintain an erection with the condom.
6 weeks ago however, I find an opened pack of contraceptive pils in my bathroom that she forgot to put back in her bag and I confront her on it. (I was a bit freaked btw) Her excuse was that she is afraid of catching an std and she doesnt want to risk it so condoms must be used! I then tell her that I am willing to get checked and it would be an idea for both of us to go together. She declines point blank!! She says to not push the issue or she would be reluctant to have sex altogether !!
Roll on to 1 week ago and she says that she wants to give sex a break for a while as she is under a bit of stress. I have had it at this stage and put it to her that if she wants to call it off, say so cause I am losing my patience. She then blurts out that she has something to tell me which is that she currently has an outbreak of genital herpes!!!
I am in shock at this and did not know what to say. Shes crying and saying you will break up with now, I know you will...etc.
I am now at the stage that I am worried about whether I have caught it but she assures me that I am ok. I am going to see about a test but I am told that it is undectable unless you have an outbreak. I have not seen her since last thursday cause I told her I want some time to think. She is crying, pleading forgivness etc but I cant get this out of my mind. On one hand I understand about her hiding it and lying about it but then I dont know how I could trust her anymore. Also not being able to have unprotected sex etc with the risk of catching this in the future is weighing heavily on me. I love this girl but this has really has hit me hard.
I just dont know what to think, really confused and upset about this. I know she is upset too and I feel sorry for her but this is hard for me to deal with.
Any thoughts or advice please?

cynder

A blood test will tell you if you carry the herpes virus. I'm not 100% sure but think the person is only contagious during an outbreak. (when sores are present)

Speak to your gp. S/he will be able to give you the correct info.

If the above is correct then you can still have sex without a condom, she can have kids, if sores are present during labour jthey do a c-section so baby is ok. It's very much like having a cold sore, if you kiss someone when they have one you can get it, however if you kiss someone who gets cold sores when they don't have one, they don't pass on the virus.

You should be ok.




Hope this helps.


It is a good idea to for both of you to have a full std check up. So you know exactly where you both stand and can take it from there.

LegacyUser

grindelwald wrote: »

It's very much like having a cold sore, if you kiss someone when they have one you can get it, however if you kiss someone who gets cold sores when they don't have one, they don't pass on the virus.

The above is incorrect the herpes virus can still be spread even when no sores or other symptoms are present, the risk is lower then when there is a clear out break but you can still pass on the virus. Alot of people carry the HSV-1 or the HSV-2 virus but never have an visible outbreaks. OP if you've ever had a cold core then you already carry the HSV-1 strain. The HSV-2 strain is the virus that causes genital herpes but you can also pass the cold sore strain during oral sex and vice versa the HSV-2 strain to the mouth. You should go to your GP or a health clinic to get the correct information. There is no cure for herpes so you need to speak to a professional health care worker to get the correct advice to reduce the risks of spreading the virus during sex.

jellygems

For me, it would be a deal breaker keeping something so huge from me, even using condoms you can catch herpes. Imo she decided it was in her interests not to tell you.

Hope it works out for you.

Magicmatilda

To be honest OP if you want to have unprotected sex then you will be putting yourself at risk of STIs. Plenty of women have these and show no symptoms so may not know they have them. So if the problem is that then you may need to accept it as a risk. You can get all the women you sleep with in the future to have STI test before sleeping with them but I would wonder how realistic that is.

That said she should have told you and allowed you to make the choice. I can understand her fear and why she didn't but she really should have. She probably feared that you would react as you are, unsure about whether to continue the relationship. But she should have allowed you that choice and if she had done at the beginning then at least you both wouldn't have been so attached.

Plenty of people have STDs these days and as some one who has unprotected sex you are in no position to be judgemental. It can happen anyone. That said she was dishonest and for me this would be the problem.

ash23

I would be ok with everything other than the fact that she allowed you to have unprotected sex with her on a few occasions while withholding the fact that she has an STD from you.

That to me would be the dealbreaker. She put your health at risk.

It's not necessarily her "fault" she has an STD and it must be a difficult thing to live with and have a relationship with someone who is accepting of it. And she was dead right to insist you wear condoms to protect you and her from STDs you might have.

However as I said above, she was so so so wrong to have unprotected sex with you without giving you all the information.
But you need to take personal responsibility for it too because you were also pressuring her in a way, to have unprotected sex. I just hope it hasn't come at a high price.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replys. I am going to see my doctor tomorrow about getting checked and for some advice on this.
I feel a bit stupid and yes I do feel a bit responsible but I really didnt expect hepres. I just thought it was because of a pregnancy risk like she told me.
She is not returning my texts and calls and I feel that this is the end. I love this girl and now I am at a loss. I feel like **** now.

P. Breathnach

It looks as if she thought, as some people do, that there was no risk to you when her infection was not active. If that is the case, her not telling you was less bad than if she believed that she was putting you at risk. But she really should have told you.

It's a tough call for you to make. You love her, but you might have to accept a sex life with restrictions as part of the package of being with her.

I'm not surprised that she has gone into hiding (I suppose that you aren't either). But you both need to address the situation, whatever way things are to go. Have you managed yet to decide what you want?

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

It looks as if she thought, as some people do, that there was no risk to you when her infection was not active. If that is the case, her not telling you was less bad than if she believed that she was putting you at risk. But she really should have told you.

It's a tough call for you to make. You love her, but you might have to accept a sex life with restrictions as part of the package of being with her.

I'm not surprised that she has gone into hiding (I suppose that you aren't either). But you both need to address the situation, whatever way things are to go. Have you managed yet to decide what you want?

Yes, I am trying to address the situation. She is not helping by ignoring me and making me feel guilty for finding out. I mean its not my fault but I am made feel like it is my problem. I mean, I am trying to talk to her but she only answered 1 text that was asking was she alright and she said well what do you think? Then she said she doesnt want to talk. She doesnt seem to care how I feel ! I am in love with her and this is really hurting me.
As regard the restrictions, it will be a problem for me, I can't deny that. I have a high sex drive and I know it will cause problems. The fact that I will have to wear a condom for the rest of my days if I am with her is a bit disappointing to say the least.

Chucky the tree

Alan310 wrote: »

Yes, I am trying to address the situation. She is not helping by ignoring me and making me feel guilty for finding out. I mean its not my fault but I am made feel like it is my problem. I mean, I am trying to talk to her but she only answered 1 text that was asking was she alright and she said well what do you think? Then she said she doesnt want to talk. She doesnt seem to care how I feel ! I am in love with her and this is really hurting me.
As regard the restrictions, it will be a problem for me, I can't deny that. I have a high sex drive and I know it will cause problems. The fact that I will have to wear a condom for the rest of my days if I am with her is a bit disappointing to say the least.

Jesus, she sounds horrible. First she puts your health as risk and then she throws the toys out of the pram and tries to guilt you into feeling bad about it? You should definitely end it and be glad to be rid of her.

P. Breathnach

You know her rather better than I do. Do you really think she doesn't care how you feel? I'd be very surprised if that were the case - except in the limited sense that she may be in an emotional heap right now.

I think you need to have your mind largely made up before you speak to her. I can imagine her hiding from you because she is in fear of a really difficult conversation.

You could give it a day or two, or you could seek her out and force the issue (but the macho approach might be too like a bad film script). Or you could send her flowers, which might signal to her that the next conversation might not be too horrible.

judgefudge

She may just be ignoring you out of embarrassment or as someone else said she may be scared you will dump her. It can't have been an easy thing to live with and although I don't think she should have kept it from you for so long I can sorta understand why she did. I very much doubt she doesn't care how you feel, she's probably just highly embarassed, I know I would be.

LegacyUser

Just got a breakup text from her saying she wants to end it and it would be good for both our sakes!!!!!!! What a ****ing week, girfriend breaks up with me and now I have to wait and see if I have herpes. Can it get any worse?
Thanks for all the replies, I'm out of here.

P. Breathnach

Sorry it seems to be going badly for you.

It might be worth your while trying to get her to see things differently. She has probably been in some sort of turmoil, and it might not be a rational decision.

Whatever is best for both of you, I hope you find it.

ButterflyABC

Alan310 wrote: »

I have a personal issue with my girlfriend and I would like some advice. So basically met this lovely girl in college 2 years ago, she was attached during the first year so I never made a move but we became close friends etc.
Roll on till last August and we got together after the breakup of her relationship with her then boyfriend. Things were going great and sex was wonderful etc. but she always insisted on condoms which I had a problem with as I had trouble maintaining erection with them on but not all the time with erection. We did have unprotected sex a few times and there was never a problem with erection. I withdrew during those times and one time she took the morning after pill, just in case. She said she was afraid of getting pregnant and the pill did not agree with her so I just had to accept the condoms.
I accepted this and tried to work through it and I found that if I left it alone for a few days I would be so wound up for sex I could maintain an erection with the condom.
6 weeks ago however, I find an opened pack of contraceptive pils in my bathroom that she forgot to put back in her bag and I confront her on it. (I was a bit freaked btw) Her excuse was that she is afraid of catching an std and she doesnt want to risk it so condoms must be used! I then tell her that I am willing to get checked and it would be an idea for both of us to go together. She declines point blank!! She says to not push the issue or she would be reluctant to have sex altogether !!
Roll on to 1 week ago and she says that she wants to give sex a break for a while as she is under a bit of stress. I have had it at this stage and put it to her that if she wants to call it off, say so cause I am losing my patience. She then blurts out that she has something to tell me which is that she currently has an outbreak of genital herpes!!!
I am in shock at this and did not know what to say. Shes crying and saying you will break up with now, I know you will...etc.
I am now at the stage that I am worried about whether I have caught it but she assures me that I am ok. I am going to see about a test but I am told that it is undectable unless you have an outbreak. I have not seen her since last thursday cause I told her I want some time to think. She is crying, pleading forgivness etc but I cant get this out of my mind. On one hand I understand about her hiding it and lying about it but then I dont know how I could trust her anymore. Also not being able to have unprotected sex etc with the risk of catching this in the future is weighing heavily on me. I love this girl but this has really has hit me hard.
I just dont know what to think, really confused and upset about this. I know she is upset too and I feel sorry for her but this is hard for me to deal with.
Any thoughts or advice please?

My thoughts are not to break up over something so small (yes I think this is a minor thing). It really is not the end of the world. Yes she should have told you but it would have been such a hard thing to tell you. Look at the statistics and you'll see that there is such a small chance of catching it unless she is having an outbreak, there is still always a small risk but I guess you'll have to weigh that up against how much you want to be with this girl. With a bit of communication you can limit your chances hugely.

So many people have it and don't even realize so who is to say that the next girl you're with doesn't already have it and you'll have given up on a girl that you are in love with.

All the best to you, it's a difficult situation for you both but I bet she's glad that you know now.

Ickle Magoo

Alan310 wrote: »

Just got a breakup text from her saying she wants to end it and it would be good for both our sakes!!!!!!! What a ****ing week, girfriend breaks up with me and now I have to wait and see if I have herpes. Can it get any worse?
Thanks for all the replies, I'm out of here.

Sorry things didn't work out OP.

As posters are still responding to your opening OP, I'll lock this thread.

All the very best.